Over the last few weeks, you've heard of several activities about which I am less than pleased--I am less than pleased, that is, with the fact that you have heard about these activities: The targeting of conservative groups by certain rogue elements of the IRS; eavesdropping on members of news gathering organizations; collection of data from cellphone and internet providers. Frankly, it's gotten to the point where I can't turn on the television or open a newspaper without discovering something else about which I supposedly had no idea. I'm tired of it, and I suspect you are all tired of it as well. So, I would like to take this opportunity to reveal all of the secrets my administration is currently concealing before you read about them in the New York Times.
First, let me be clear, I had NO KNOWLEDGE that employees at the Cincinnati IRS offices were targeting conservative groups for special scrutiny. That being said, I confess to snickering for exactly three minutes when I heard the news. There is a possibility that a memo about the incident addressed to my attention might surface, on which a handwritten note--"How you like me now, Motherf****rs?"--might appear. I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of such a memo.
All right, so, as for the additional secrets and covert operations underway:
--The United States is, in fact, behind the following recent uprisings: Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, and Turkey. We do not, however, have anything to do with what is going on in Syria: Those people are just plain nuts.
--I have had orders drawn up authorizing drone strikes against the headquarters of Fox News, the Texas office of Senator Ted Cruz, and Mr. John Travolta.(I'm sorry. I just have hated everything he has done since "Pulp Fiction.") Let me be clear: I have not signed these orders, and I have, in fact, signed a signing statement signifying that I intend never TO sign them. Seriously. Drawing up the orders was done at the suggestion of my therapist, who felt it would be cathartic, and, I have to say, she was right.
--Yes, I am seeing a therapist. In fact, I have been in treatment and taking a cocktail of psychotropic medications for the last seventeen years. You don't think this Spock-like demeanor just happens, do you?
--A plan is in place to balance the budget, involving a sizable wager on the Houston Astros winning this year's World Series. A Bahamian bookmaking outfit locked in our odds at 2,000-1. To that end, I have also ordered St. Louis Cardinals management to trade the entire team to Houston.
--I personally convinced Columbia Pictures to hire M. Night Shyamalan to direct "After Earth." I take responsibility for that one. I still believe he has another "Unbreakable" in him. I'm beginning to think I was wrong.
I think that's everything. Well, except for the secret recording of everyone's keystrokes on Google that has been going on since August 2009. But I assume you all knew about that.
Good night, and God Bless America.