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Tuesday, June 4, 2013

To The Victors Go the Spoils

Did you know that the winner of the America's Cup gets to set the rules for the competition the next time it takes place?  Well, of course you didn't!  Why would you?  My guess is that no more than about, say, one percent of the population follows yachting's premiere event.  And leave it to a "sport" tailor-made for the richest of the rich to embrace a rule whereby the rich, in effect, get richer.  Still, when they heard about this, the champions in other major sports--who, let's face it, are also members of the ultra-rich--thought it was a great idea, and they have all proposed certain rules changes of their own.

The San Francisco Giants have introduced the following adjustments to the standard baseball rules for this season.  For their home games, Giants players will have the option to use either standard wood bats or bats made out of aluminum.  Visiting teams will be required to bat with whatever loose chunks of concrete and rebar may be found around AT&T Park.  Additionally, the Giants will play all 162 games at home.

The Super-Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens have required all opposing players, in the interest of safety, to encase themselves in large blocks of memory foam.  Furthermore, Raven field goals will be worth seven points, and, in order to earn seven points for a touchdown, players on visiting teams must, after reaching the end-zone, recite from memory a Shakespearean sonnet (of Joe Flacco's choosing) in Maori.

The Miami Heat have declared that, for the finals, the San Antonio Spurs must field a team composed only of native-born American citizens, thus disqualifying Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and Tony Parker.  Duncan may receive dispensation to play, however, if and only if he agrees to wear wooden shoes, in keeping with the traditions of the Virgin Islands' colonial history.

Speaking of beating up on the Dutch, the 2010 World Cup champions, Spain, have decided that they will just use their hands from now on, 'cause, let's face it, that was always a stupid rule anyway.

Finally, in defense of his 2012 US Open golf championship, Webb Simpson has declared that only players with stupid first names be allowed to compete.  Many commentators feel this was a flawed strategy, as either "Tiger" or "Eldrick" certainly qualify.

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