10. UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS: The Senate has rejected President Obama's jobs bill, and unless something happens soon, millions of Americans will start to see their unemployment benefits disappear. I don't think Congress understands the true ramifications of the situation. Unless people start finding jobs soon, they're liable to start doing anything--ANYTHING--just to keep themselves occupied. Including blogging! And I've got enough competition as it is! (Hell, I can't even garner a small percentage of the followers of someone who does nothing but talk in his sleep!)
9. DIE HARD 5: An Al-Qaeda-esque terrorist group (all of whom are British, though, so as not to inflame, um, public opinion) takes over the senior center where John McClane (Bruce Willis) has taken up residence. We're especially looking forward to the extended fight sequence involving shuffleboard equipment.
8. PENNY STOCKS: An awesome name for an actress who does corporate porn. It's a legitimate genre!
7. RICHARD GERE: The world's most famous Buddhist-- What's that? Dolly who? Sorry, where was I? Ah, yes, the world's most famous Buddhist sold his impressive collection of guitars for close to $1 million, which he will donate to charity. I hope he saves a little to pay for another weekend with Julia Roberts.
6. FANTASIA BARRINO: Another awesome name for a corporate porn star, the former American Idol--or is that a lifetime title?--has revealed the sex of her unborn child (male). These celebrity kids! Not even BORN and already having sex!
5. LEUKEMIA DRUGS: Bristol-Myers has a new two-drug combo that may help treat a hard-to-treat form of leukemia, but the FDA says that the treatment may raise the risk of lung problems. Damned if you do, gasping if you don't.
4. JANET JACKSON: "According to The Smoking Gun, the legal document stipulates that should any comedians open for the performer, jokes about her family are off limits." As I have always wanted to open for Janet Jackson, I will end this comment here.
3. HARRY BELAFONTE: Everyone's favorite recipient of tallied bananas has released his memoir, My Song, in which he reveals that he's always really preferred polkas to calypso.
2. ELIZABETH TAYLOR JEW: I always suspected that! Sure, she had those classic shiksa looks, but still! Now it can be told! Now, we know--what? Oh. Ahem:
2. ELIZABETH TAYLOR JEWELRY: Never mind.
And the number one trendiest topic of this moment in the time-space continuum. . . .
1. DANICA PATRICK: What's interesting about this topic is that, if you click it, you get to a link to a "Danica Patrick Weight Loss Program." If you click THAT link, you get to an article about celebrity weight-loss programs that literally does not mention the lovely Ms. Patrick AT ALL. Frankly, as good as Danica Patrick looks, an "athlete" whose "sport" essentially requires sitting in traffic would hardly seem an ideal spokesperson for a weight-loss regimen.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, my corporate-porn name is Junk Bonds.