From today's Times comes the news that ordinary citizens are taking the law into their own hands ("Crusaders Take Page, and Outfits, from Comics"). Unlike tacky vigilantes of yore, though, today's citizen-crimefighters are doing things right: They are donning ridiculous costumes and patrolling the mean streets of metropolises like Salt Lake City, armed only with cellphones and an inflated sense of their own imperviousness to grievous personal injury.
I am inspired!
Our streets are not safe! The police cannot control the city! The time has come for ordinary citizens and self-promoting bloggers to enter the fray, casting aside concerns for personal safety and common sense. Like the costumed heroes of Utah's Black Monday Society--ordinary citizens who have declared war on crime and apathy--I shall take it upon myself to uphold all that is good!
Now, all I need is a costume. . . . Let's see. Criminals are, by nature, a superstitious and cowardly lot, so my disguise must be able to strike terror into their hearts. I must become a creature of the night, dark, dangerous, mysterious. Ah. Of course. I shall become a lemur.
Scampering around the city by night--not too late, though, 'cause I have to go to work in the morning--I shall harass and confound the criminals who plague our fair city. I shall snatch sunglasses and baseball caps and run quickly up nearby trees or telephone poles, waving my trophies tauntingly while, below, frustrated felons howl in impotent rage.
Fear not, good citizens. The Lemur is on the case!
Well, right after dinner, anyway.