At or around Christmas, DOS always takes time out from his "busy" schedule to compose a Christmas Fable, which he then sends out to All and Sundry--or at least to All: DOS and Sundry haven't been on speaking terms since the cheese-grater incident. This year's fable was typical, only more so. DOS assumed I would not share this year's fable--which he prefaced with "I've never been so ashamed"--with Solipsist Nation, as I've done in the past. I saw this as a dare, and I've never been one to back down from a dare!
Plus, it's Christmas! I don't feel like actually writing anything.
Without further ado, then, I present DOS's Christmas Fable, 2012:
A Whale of a Tale Of a Fable
Call me… Maybe,…..not Moby.
I signed on to the Pee-Nutt as a whaler. Which was unfortunate, because it was a cargo ship that carried only Tuna.
I promised to keep that fact private or, as we musicians say, “piano”.
This made me a piano tuna.
The only other crew was made up of slaves (or, “Bought Men”, as we called them) and Jews who, while not slaves, were, indeed, “Kept” men in that they were the “property” of the captain’s wife who used them at her pleasure.
The events I will tell you of, happened right around the Passover holidays.
The Jews wanted to celebrate, but the captain, jealous of the attention his wife gave to them, would only allow it. if they gave up the one thing that mattered most to them; dinghy ( that’s “Ding”- EE) racing in their rowboats.
Henceforth, only the slaves could use the boats.
Reluctantly, the Jews agreed
And so, to this day, that fateful holiday is recorded as:
Bought Men and Row Ban: The Kept Crew Seder.
BUT, I DIGRESS
“No! No!”, said Gress, “Don’t Die!!!!!!”
“But I must!”
“No! No! You have so much to live for! It’s Christmas (See, I got to it)!
We NEEEEED you!
You’re the Spirit that holds the gum to our fake beards; You’re the Angle on top of the tree, we tilt when it won’t fit in low ceiling-ed rooms; you’re Seasonal Affective Disorder, Mothers Against Drunk Driving and the knowledge we gain from denims ( Sad, Madd, and Dungarees to Know… look it up under “Byron”).
“But I must, “ said I “For I am under a curse.”
“Is it Mayan?”
“No, you nit, it’s not yours! Why must everything be about you!?”
“Many years ago, when my name wasn’t “Maybe”, but Fersher, I was engaged to a girl. Not, however, just any girl, but the daughter of Santa Claus. Her name was “Morality”.
“And. I violated my Morality Claus!”
“YES! I kissed her under the Mistletoe… before CHRISTMAS EVE!”
“Um, no, I only kissed her!”
“Well, because of that, I was placed under a curse. Doomed to wander the Earth; sail on ships (see: above) and Die, Gress, every Christmas Eve, until the late actress Rue McLanihan is witness to bad weather in my presence (Just go with it! It’s late) And that can never happen, now!”
“Don’t be so sure!”
“What! Who said that?”
“I did! I am the ghost of Christmas Future, played by the Emmy-winning Ghost Of… you, guessed it!... Rue McLanihan!
And I brought with me the Ghost of Christmas Present played by Tony-Award winning actor/lyricist Adolph Green author of such hits as On The Town, Wonderful Town, Singin’ In The Rain, and others, too numerous to mention!”
“Thank you, Rue. But you left out one important thing that is vital to this particular story.”
“What’s that ‘Dolph?”
“Well, for about 10 minutes in the late 1930s, I was a semi-member of the Communist Party!”
“And why is that important, ‘Dolph?”
“Because, thanks to that lapse in my youth, I am going to set Maybe free of his curse!”
“And how will you do that, ‘Dolph?”
“Why, my sweet, by noticing that it is precipitating, quite fiercely out there, and thus fulfilling the terms of lifting the curse!”
But, ‘Dolph, are you sure?”
(OKAY, folks, Here it comes!!!!!!!!!!!)
“Rue, ‘Dolph, the Red, knows, Rain, dear!”
and they lived happily, and curse-free, ever after.