Today's Post Brought to You (FINALLY!) by Jiteco

Finally, someone has recognized the vast reach and influence of Your-Not-So-Humble-Correspondent and is willing to remunerate him appropriately.  The other day, I received an e-mail from the good folks at Jiteco:

"Dear The Solipsist," the letter began (such formality!  Most people just call me "Solipsist"), "We would like to promote Camtica 4.3.49578 on your blog."  In exchange for such promotional consideration, they offered to GIVE me a full copy of the product!

Sign me up!

What's the product?  I have no idea.  Well, here:

Camtica enables you to create professional screen recordings, presentations, tutorials and more. You can record any desktop activity with voice, webcam and animated mouse clicks. The resulting video can be saved in various formats including AVI and WMV.

Why do you need Camtica?

* To create professional screen recordings, demonstrations, presentations, screencasts, tutorials and more

* To generate effective videos that help you train, teach, sell and more

* To create demonstration videos for any software program

* To show customers how to use your product
* To create on-demand interactive training, tutorials for school or college class

* To create a set of videos answering your most frequently asked questions

* To share your recordings on YouTube, Screencast.com and other videos sites

Features:

* Records entire desktop, selected rectangle region, dynamic region around mouse cursor, webcam

* Records anything on the screen including windows, objects, menus, full screen and rectangular regions

* Records desktop screen with audio and webcam together - personalizing your videos by including a webcam movie of yourself over * your desktop at any position

* Records video chats, Skype video calls, games, flash movies played on sites

* Mouse highlighting spotlights the location of the cursor

* Records video in many video file formats including AVI and WMV

* Supports various video and audio codecs

* Free support and advice

* Free lifetime updates and upgrades

* System requirements: Windows XP/2000/2003/Vista/Windows 7

It’s easy to use as one, two, three.

Sounds good to me. (OK, I still don't exactly understand what the product is, but, hey, FREE!)

Folks, this is big news.  For three years now, I've faithfully posted to this blog, enlightening you and bringing just a small bit of joy to your empty, empty lives.  And finally I have received that greatest reward to which any blogger can aspire: SWAG!  I think my New Year's resolution will involve the prominent mention of commercial products in every post.

Some may accuse me of selling out.  To them I say, I've been trying to sell out since early 2009!

A Pre-Emptive Review

There's a new movie coming out starring Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah.  As far as I can tell, the play dueling choir directors.  The movie is called "Joyful Noise."  It opens some three weeks AFTER Christmas.  Draw your own conclusions.

Thursday Trendwatch

Following the logic that the enemy of my enemy is, at the very least, my frenemy, the Obama administration announced that it would sell F-15 FIGHTER JETS (10) to Saudi Arabia for about $30 billion, which will quickly be returned to the monarchy in exchange for oil.  Still, the move makes sense when you consider that Saudi Arabia is a staunch American allies in the volatile Middle East, not like that nasty country from which most of the 9/11 hijackers came, Saudi Arabia.

With all that oil money, perhaps we could interest the Saudis in purchasing some shiny new American houses.  They could take advantage of ridiculously low FIXED MORTGAGE RATES (9), which, while finishing the year slightly above their all-time low, nevertheless present an irresistible opportunity to anyone with money to buy a new house.  So, y'know, nobody in America, but still. . . .

Coming in at number 8 on the Trendwatch is ALZHEIMER'S.

And, coming in at number 8 on the Trendwatch is ALZHEIMER'S.

Now, some sad news for all you fans of KATY PERRY AND RUSSELL BRAND (7) (the couple, not the individuals, 'cause God knows why anyone would be fans of either one individually).  They may be having difficulties.  I'm surprised.  Not that they're having difficulties, I'm surprised that they're married, but that just shows you the level of my pop-culture knowledge.  I suspect the trouble started when Katy Perry spent that "platonic" weekend with Elmo after her infamous "Sesame Street" appearance.  Just friends, my eye!

Fear not, though: The world of celebrity romantic entanglements continues to spin with news that ZOE SALDANA (6) is dating Bradley Cooper.  How he got all the way to Pandora, I'll never understand.

Today, for those of you who missed it, was DUMP GODADDY DAY (5).  The online domain-name company has found itself the target of boycotts because of its initial unwillingness (since disavowed) to oppose SOPA--the Stop Internet Piracy Act--which goes before Congress next month.  So, yes: Sexist advertising?  Fine.  Corporate legislative policy, which, frankly, would seem to have little impact on the legislation under consideration anyway?  Boycott 'em!  Incidentally, December 29 is also Pepper-Pot Day, a holiday on which we commemorate the soup that the Continental Army ate during the harsh winter of 1777-78.  Seriously!  More people should know about this holiday.  Maybe I'll start a website about it.  Wonder if the name Rememberpepperpotday.com is taken?  Where could I go to find out. . . .?

PIPPA MIDDLETON (4), having attended numerous weddings this past year, says she herself feels she is "undatable."  Has she considered that nobody wants to date someone named "Pippa"?

REGGIE BUSH (3), the Miami Dolphins running back missed practice today.  At the same time, he also speculated that he was capable of breaking various football records.  Not sure whether one of the records he's shooting for is most practices missed, but, if so, he might have a shot.

I'm going to skip right by number 2 (DEBRA MESSING), 'cause it's just another celebridating story, and I really want to get to number 1, which is ELLY MAE CLAMPETT.  This is why I enjoy the Trendwatch.  I mean, I can honestly say that I had not given Elly Mae Clampett a thought in the last, oh, ever.  And yet, here she is, a fictional character from a 40-year-old TV show, sitting pretty atop the Trendwatch at the end of 2011.  What can this possibly be about?  If I find out she's dating Tim Allen or something, I just quit!

Well, OK: It seems that Elly Mae--or more precisely, Donna Douglas, who played the character on "The Beverly Hillbillies"--has settled a suit with Mattel over its use of "her" likeness for a Barbie doll.  Next, she is going after the people who decided that her character's official outfit should become known as "Daisy Dukes."

Overheard at Target

"So, if it says 'Buy 4, get 1 free,' that means I get five, right?"

"Right."

"And the FIFTH one is free?"

"Right."

"OK, because I wasn't sure if that meant that the FOURTH one is free."

"OK."

"You could make that clearer, you know."

"I--  Well, maybe, but, did you WANT five?"

"Yes."

"So, why not just bring five to the register and see what happens?"

"That's what I did."

"OK."

"I must have stood in the aisle for five minutes trying to figure that out."

I weep for our generation.

12 Monkeys and a Few Thousand Concealed Handguns--and I'm More Worried about the Monkeys!

What is the world coming to when I find myself more worried about science than I am about right-wing gun-nuts?  I blame the New York Times.

First, I flipped to (well, OK, clicked on) an article entitled "Guns in Public, and Out of Sight," about laws allowing people to carry concealed handguns.  Now, being a firm believer in robust gun-control laws, I prepared myself to look down with liberal disdain on the benighted proponents of such barbaric legislation.  And the Times' reporter, true to the paper's liberal-leaning editorial policy, clearly intends for the reader to find concealed-carry laws dangerous and wrong-headed.  Then I read these paragraphs:

"The New York Times examined the permit program in North Carolina, one of a dwindling number of states where the identities of permit holders remain public. The review, encompassing the last five years, offers a rare, detailed look at how a liberalized concealed weapons law has played out in one state. And while it does not provide answers, it does raise questions.

"More than 2,400 permit holders were convicted of felonies or misdemeanors, excluding traffic-related crimes, over the five-year period, The Times found when it compared databases of recent criminal court cases and licensees. While the figure represents a small percentage of those with permits, more than 200 were convicted of felonies, including at least 10 who committed murder or manslaughter. All but two of the killers used a gun."

Sounds worrisome, no? Well, actually, no.

Consider the numbers: "More than 2,400 permit holders" is of course vague.  We don't know how many more than 2,400, but we can assume that it is less than, say, 2,500, or the writer would have said "less than 2,500.."  Still, a couple of thousand convicted criminals running around just one state is no small potatoes.  Except note that "or" in "convicted of felonies OR misdemeanors."  Reading on, we see that, "more than 200 [i.e., less than 300] were convicted of felonies."  Well, OK, but still: a couple of hundred felonies committed by gun-wielding reprobates.  Except note that only 10 of these felonies were "murder or manslaughter."  And "all but two of the killers used a gun."

So another way of looking at this is that, over a five-year period, of the 2,400 crimes committed by people licensed to carry concealed firearms, less than 15% were felonies, and only five percent of these felonies involved the death of a victim--and 20% of the killings were not done with a gun anyway, making the whole concealed-carry permit somewhat irrelevant.  So even if we assume causation (which we can't), we can only conclude from this that concealed-carry gun laws led to eight homicides over a five-year period.  And note that the reporter stipulates that the 2,400 crimes committed by licensees represents "a small percentage of those with permits."

Obviously, any felonious homicide is unacceptable, but looking at these numbers carefully leaves one with the distinct impression that concealed-carry laws are hardly the threat to public safety that a liberal like me would tend to believe.

Well, OK, maybe I have to think more critically about my position on gun-control, but I can maintain my faith in science as an advancer of human well-being.  What;s that?  Oh, scientists have figured out a way to genetically alter bird flu so that it can be transmitted through the air?  And bird flu is about 50% fatal (compared, say, to the horrific flu pandemic of 1918 which killed about 2% of its victims)?  And they are thinking about PUBLISHING the information on how-to-engineer-a-world-killing-virus?

Look, I believe in the free exchange of ideas as much as anybody, but I would suggest that this is one piece of information that should, maybe, be guarded very very very carefully.  I mean, the fact that this genetic alteration can be done is scary, if not entirely surprising.  But you have to ask yourself who REALLY needs to know HOW to do this?  Considering that governments tenaciously guard secrets on things like how to make nuclear bombs, I would think that guarding secrets on something that is exponentially more dangerous to the human race is a no-brainer.

But what do I know?  After all, I'm beginning to think concealed-carry laws may not be such a bad thing.  Next thing you know, I'll be supporting Rick Perry for President.  The man does have nice hair.

Enter: The Lemur!

From today's Times comes the news that ordinary citizens are taking the law into their own hands ("Crusaders Take Page, and Outfits, from Comics").  Unlike tacky vigilantes of yore, though, today's citizen-crimefighters are doing things right: They are donning ridiculous costumes and patrolling the mean streets of metropolises like Salt Lake City, armed only with cellphones and an inflated sense of their own imperviousness to grievous personal injury.

I am inspired!

Our streets are not safe!  The police cannot control the city!  The time has come for ordinary citizens and self-promoting bloggers to enter the fray, casting aside concerns for personal safety and common sense.  Like the costumed heroes of Utah's Black Monday Society--ordinary citizens who have declared war on crime and apathy--I shall take it upon myself to uphold all that is good!

Now, all I need is a costume. . . .  Let's see.  Criminals are, by nature, a superstitious and cowardly lot, so my disguise must be able to strike terror into their hearts.   I must become a creature of the night, dark, dangerous, mysterious.  Ah.  Of course.  I shall become a lemur.

Scampering around the city by night--not too late, though, 'cause I have to go to work in the morning--I shall harass and confound the criminals who plague our fair city.  I shall snatch sunglasses and baseball caps and run quickly up nearby trees or telephone poles, waving my trophies tauntingly while, below, frustrated felons howl in impotent rage.

Fear not, good citizens.  The Lemur is on the case!

Well, right after dinner, anyway.

Season's Greetings

Kenzaburo Oe, winner of the Nobel Prize in literature, once said something in Japanese, which I do not speak.  I can only assume, therefore, that it was something poignant about Christmas.

My Christmas has been somewhat disappointing, as WOS refused to get me what I truly wanted:

I mean, the "Forever Lazy" even has a flap in the back so you can, y'know, do your business without excessive inconvenience!  WOS thinks they're stupid and embarrassing, though.  She did, however, get me a gift card to a major retailer, so I may be able to find one there.

Still, it's not about the gifts, right?  It's about family and togetherness and watching movies and eating Chinese take-out (well, for the New York Jewish contingent, anyway).  Wherever you may find yourself this holiday season, here's hoping you got whatever you wanted and enjoyed a pleasant and peaceful day.

A Solution in Search of a Problem

You've got to love the Republican Party--and by "love," I mean "roll your eyes at the cynical political machinations of."  Unwilling to propose policy addressing the actual problems of our society--foreclosures, mass unemployment, obscene levels of income inequality--the GOP instead goes out of its way to propound solutions to the non-existent problem of "rampant" voter fraud.  Since the 2010 elections, "more than a dozen states have passed laws requiring voters to show photo identification at polls, cutting back early voting periods or imposing new restrictions on voter registration drives" ("New State Rules Raising Hurdles at Voting Booth").  Yesterday, the Justice Department announced that it would challenge one such rule in South Carolina.

In theory, voter-identification laws sound reasonable: In order to safeguard our democracy, we should embrace legislation that seeks to ensure that only those eligible to vote are allowed to vote.  Voter ID laws, therefore, make sure that fraudulent voters cannot sway an election.  But, as many have pointed out, there is no evidence that this has happened.  Indeed, we could frame the issue differently and say that, in order to safeguard democracy, we should embrace legislation that seeks to ensure that anyone eligible to vote CAN vote.  Such legislation would give voters the benefit of the doubt and allow them to cast a ballot at least provisionally.  Either type of legislation has merits.

The fact, though, is that Republicans largely support the first type of legislation, which suggests that they feel confident that the vast majority of those who would be found ineligible under such legislation would be unlikely to support Republican candidates or causes.  Indeed, one of the more. . .amusing provisions, from Texas, would allow concealed-handgun licenses to be used for identification but not student ID cards.  Seriously, why not just say that a Republican Party membership card meets the ID requirements, while a Democratic one will not only prevent one from voting but lead to temporary detention?

"Republicans, who have passed almost all of the new election laws, say they are necessary to prevent voter fraud, and question why photo identification should be routinely required at airports but not at polling sites."  Well, probably because the threat of hijacking an airplane is literal, while the hijacking of our democracy is at most a metaphorical--and most likely an illusory--threat.

If Republicans are so concerned about threats to democracy, why are they not more incensed at the disproportionate electoral clout wielded by the wealthy and corporations?  Or are logos considered an acceptable form of voter identification?

Bah!

Sorry, but I'm feeling kind of grumpy these days.  Every time I turn on the TV it seems like I have someone else in my face telling me to think of those less fortunate, remember those less fortunate.  Those less fortunate get all the breaks!  Why won't somebody think about me?

That is all.

Thursday Trendwatch

Much as we hate to do so, we must begin today's Trendwatch in Europe, where TURKEY AND FRANCE (10) have come to the diplomatic equivalent of blows over France's passage of a law declaring it "a crime to deny that the mass killings of Armenians by Ottoman Turks nearly a century ago constitute genocide."  This is a sensitive subject for the Turks, who prefer to refer to the mass killings of 1915 as merely a "large-scale de-lifing."  While I sympathize with the French decision, and agree that Turkey should face up to its past, uh, indiscretions, I have no great enthusiasm for laws that restrict free speech.  If people want to deny the Armenian genocide--or, indeed, the Holocaust--they are free to do so, and everybody else is free to subject them to the scorn and ridicule that they deserve.  Besides, is there some enormous wave of Frenchmen running around denying the Armenian genocide?

Maybe San Francisco can pass a law criminalizing the disparagement of ALEX SMITH (9).  Not that this is much of a problem anymore.  At least for now, the previously maligned 49ers quarterback would seem safe from criticism, with the team having already clinched their division and cruising toward the playoff.  Smith should remain above criticism until at least mid-January and the inevitable evisceration by Green Bay.  The Packers not only have a nearly unstoppable offense and strong defense, they also have an added advantage: access to Wisconsin cheese.  According to a new study, cheese provides surprising benefits in a person's LDL CHOLESTEROL (8)  level (that's the bad one).

In fairness, the "benefits" are relative: Cheese is "better" than butter for a person's LDL cholesterol levels.  So, if you were considering drinking a big ol' glass of butter, you might want to consider shotgunning some Cheez Wiz instead.

The Solipsist sends its best wishes to the family of ETTA JAMES (7).  The 73-year-old singer has been hospitalized with incurable leukemia.

Ms. James has suffered from a series of illnesses over the last several years, including dementia and kidney failure, and we hope she and her family can find some peace at last.

In lighter news, the husband of "real" housewife of "New" Jersey, TERESA GIUDICE (6), has been arrested for pretending to be his own brother.  Seriously, I know nothing about this show, but I can understand wanting to change one's identity to avoid being associated with it.  I just think the guy should have looked beyond his own family.  Kind of defeats the purpose, you know. . . .

Coming in at number 5 are INVESTMENT STRATEGIES, which I guess means it's time for the Solipsist's Can't-Miss-Investment of the week:  I recommend putting everything into. . . LLAMAS!  You're welcome.

BRITNEY SPEARS (4) is in the news.  Again.  For getting married.  Again.  Her first ex-husband, Jason Alexander (no, not THAT Jason Alexander) thinks her latest engagement is a scam.

Well, he would say that!  After his own 17-minute marriage to Britney, ANY future relationship the pop-princess would pursue would necessarily seem sham-like, but, Jason, you can't expect a girl to stay single forever!  Shame on you!

And shame on CHRISTIAN BALE (3)!  At least, that's what the Chinese authorities are saying.  Last week, Bale stirred up some trouble when he had the audacity to try and visit a human-rights activist while in China doing publicity for a movie that was financed by the Chinese government.  When he tried to meet Chen Guangcheng, simply to shake the man's hand, Bale was physically stopped by a group of government-backed guards, an altercation captured by a CNN film crew.  It should be noted that Chen is not in prison and is thus, in theory, free to meet and/or be visited by whomever he wants.  But still, the Chinese government is right!  Christian Bale SHOULD be ashamed of himself!  I haven't heard of such outrageous, offensive behavior since that time Bono gave a thumbs-up to Nelson Mandela!  Celebrities!

I think China should throw the book at Christian Bale!  Maybe he can share a cell with  "American Idol" runner-up ADAM LAMBERT (2), who was arrested in a bar-brawl in Finland.  I'm sure. . .one of them would learn. . .some kind of lesson.

And speaking of learning lessons, CALLISTA GINGRICH (1) will need to learrn some lessons about Twittequette.  The aspiring First Lady has taken to Twitter to bash Mitt Romney, making fun of him for, among other things, his unseemly displays of wealth--this from the woman who, along with her husband, had a half-million dollar credit line at Tiffany's.  By the way, wasn't Callista Gingrich the name of the Necromancy Professor at Hogwarts?

Word of the Day: "Like"

Whenever Facebook introduces changes, people invariably complain.  At the risk, however, of causing major consternation in the social networking world, I would like to suggest a much-needed innovation.  Something needs to be done about the "Like" button.

As Facebookers know, when responding to someone's status or other postings, you currently have the option to leave a comment or, if you want to acknowledge the post without making the effort to write actual sentences, you can simply "Like" the entry.  This involves the highly complex procedure of clicking a button labeled "Like."  Interestingly, on Facebook, "Liking" is an active process: Once you "Like" something, the "Like" button changes to "Unlike," suggesting that, while you may instantly forget whatever it is you've just "Liked," you do, in some sense, continue "Liking" it indefinitely, as if in some remote corner of your subconscious, you continuously appreciate the fact that, say, your friend had a delicious dinner with Ralph and the kids.

Maybe you do.

At any rate, a problem arises when you wish to acknowledge a posting, a comment, a status update--when silence seems callous--and you don't really have anything to SAY about the post--words are superfluous--but somehow "Liking" seems inappropriate or insufficient.  Currently, you have no other options.

Twenty-three years ago today Libyan terrorists planted a bomb on Pan Am flight 103.  The plane blew up over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing everyone onboard as well as several people on the ground.  Thirty-five passengers on the flight were students from Syracuse University, including several friends and acquaintances of mine.  As you might imagine, several of my Facebook friends, also from Syracuse, have posted memorial comments on their walls today.  And I have nothing to add.

So I "Liked" the posts.  What else could I do?

Now I'm not suggesting that Facebook should--or even could--add buttons to express every possible emotional reaction to a friend's piece of news, much less to express the complex emotions one feels when confronted with important reminders of somber occasions.  But an "Agree" button would be a welcome addition.  Or even just a simple "Yes."

As for those people on Pan Am 103, especially Theo and Miriam, let me just say for now and always, "Like."

Fun with Lawsuits

"At the heart of the disputes are the kind of small but convenient features that would cause many people to complain if they were not in their smartphones. For example, the case decided Monday involves the technology that lets you tap your finger once on the touch screen to call a phone number that is written inside an e-mail or text message. It also involves the technology that allows you to schedule a calendar appointment, again with a single tap of the finger, for a date mentioned in an e-mail."
                                      --"U.S. Backs Apple in Patent Ruling That Hits Google"

In response to the ruling, makers of android phones have promised to alter the technology so that it requires one and one half finger-taps.  Meanwhile, in a countersuit, android manufacturers are suing Apple over the appearance of the word "android" in online dictionaries included as free apps for iPhones.  Washington is also suing Apple over the company's use without permission of the state's iconic fruit as both its corporate name and, by implication, as the nickname of downloadable features.  The Seattle tribe of Native Americans is in turn suing Washington State, but, as usual, no one is paying any attention.

Meanwhile, back in the mobile-phone-and-app arena, a group of ornithologists is suing Zynga for defamation on behalf of birds everywhere, who insist they are not angry, merely anti-pig.  Last year, the National Association of Pig Farmers settled with Zynga for an undisclosed amount.  The Solipsist will file a suit against Google next week for its continuous snubbing of this column as a "Blog of Note."

The Arab League is also suing mobile phone manufacturers for their unlicensed use of the numerals 1 through 9 on keypads.

Monday Miscellany

MIXED BLESINGS

'Tis the season when teachers--even the most inept, mean, or solipsistic ones--receive Christmas cards and/or thank-you notes from their students.  And nothing warms the cold, cold heart of a writing teacher quite so much as receiving a warm, deeply felt thank-you card riddled with grammatical and spelling errors.

****************************************************************
LET ME EAT THEIR CAKE

The hot new dessert trend seems to be "cake pops"--a pastry-lollipop hybrid that, when sold at places like Starbucks provides all of the overpricing at half the calories.  Last night, I saw an ad for "Bake Pops," a do-it-yourself cake-on-a-stick kit.  In the commercial, a housewifey-looking type explained that she "used to feel guilty when [she] ate a whole piece of cake."

I know how she feels.  I often feel guilty when I eat a whole piece of cake--especially when the kid I took it from won't stop crying!

It's the internet's world; we just bulk up in it

An interesting juxtaposition on the front page of today's "Sunday Review" in The New York Times.
We are nearing a point--if we have not already reached it--when the internet is no longer something we log onto, but something we exist within ("The Internet Gets Physical").  The development of sensor technology allows or will allow your refrigerator to order milk from the store when you're running low, hospital rooms to remind doctors to wash their hands before and after touching patients, and bridges to let structural engineers know that they are in need of repair in a way more congenial than the time-honored method of collapsing unexpectedly.  All of which sounds good, even as it does remind one disconcertingly of "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream"" (Harlan Ellison.  Read it) or Skynet (which was, I believe, based on "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream").  We seem well on our way to the Kurzweillian "Singularity"--that point at which we can ditch the meaty encumbrances we call bodies and simply upload our essential selves into a vast electronic consciousness.

And yet, at the same time, we have become ever more obsessed with the maximization of our brute physicality.  According to sportswriter Steve Kettman, testosterone supplements are not just for athletes anymore ("Are We Not Man Enough").Perhaps inspired by the sight of godlike--if puffy--sluggers shattering baseball's records, growing numbers of men are becoming aware of the benefits of increased testosterone--and the ravages of "Low T" syndrome.  Juicing is the new normal.

Is the obsession with physical enhancement--whether through testosterone injections, breast implants, or other more-or-less societally acceptable tweakings of the human form--perhaps a backlash against our diminishing reliance on our physical bodies?  As our physical selves become more superfluous, do we feel a need to assert our essential beings through greater emphasis on that which clearly separates us from the realm of pure thought?

Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am" (only he said it in Latin, so nobody could understand him).  It's looking, though, like "thought" will soon no longer be solely an activity of mankind.  Perhaps that which truly separates man from machine is not intellectual but physical achievement.  I juice, therefore I am.


 But as we become more wired, and more of the things that used to require human intervention can n

Hoist By My Own Petard

Solipsist: I know what I'm getting you for your birthday!

WOS: What?

SOL: Well, Justin Bieber has a new perfume!

WOS: (Sigh.)

SOL: You don't want to smell like Justin Bieber?

WOS: No, I don't want to smell like Justin Bieber!

(Pause)

SOL: Well, actually, you wouldn't smell like Justin Bieber, you'd just-

WOS: Smell like something he'd like to smell, yeah, I got that.  No, I still don't want the perfume.

(Pause.  SOL begins to look annoyed.)

WOS: What's wrong?

SOL: Nothing.

(Pause.  SOL continues to look annoyed.)

WOS: What's wrong?!?

SOL: Nothing!  It's just. . .

WOS: What?

SOL: Well. . . I remember reading something about Justin Bieber, and I remember it mentioned some stupid nickname that his fans were called. . . and I was going to call you that. . . but I can't remember what the nickname was.

WOS: Oh.

SOL: Yeah.

WOS: Can't help you there.

SOL: Yeah, I know.  It's really annoying me.

WOS: Well, that's what you get.

SOL: Yeah.

(NOTE: For the record, WOS is most emphatically not a Justin Bieber fan.  That's what makes it a funny funny joke.  Just wanted to clarify that.)

The Ghosts of Facebook Past

In my writing class, we had a textbook with an exercise designed to help students identify problems with audience and tone--or maybe it was just meant to be humorous.  Anyway, this exercise featured sentences from (supposedly) actual job application letters, all of which demonstrated problems.  The students were supposed to explain where the applicant had gone wrong.  The problems ranged from misspellings and grammatical mistakes to inappropriate comments (e.g., "I don't do well working in groups"; "While I have held fourteen jobs in the last two years, I have never been fired"; and so on).  One of the inappropriate lines I always appreciated was: "References: None.  I have left a trail of destruction behind me."

Now, I understand why the textbook authors included this sentence, and I get why it's technically inappropriate.  But I have to say, if I were an employer, and I got a cover letter with that sentence, I would want to meet that person.  After sifting through piles and piles of standard, inoffensive, perfectly appropriate applications, I would be intrigued by this person who is either a complete idiot or someone who took a chance on a fundamentally unconventional approach.  Either way, it would make for an interesting interview.

All of which, I guess, is basically my way of saying, Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

I thought of this today as I was reading about Facebook's new "Timeline" feature, which will apparently allow you--and, by extension, anyone who has access to your profile--to view everything you've ever posted on the website.  Many people are up in arms either because (A) some people have made a hobby out of complaining about any changes to Facebook--which is kind of stupid because it's a free site; (B) they worry about privacy issues--which, again, is kind of stupid because the things you post on your Facebook are, well, things that YOU post on YOUR Facebook; or, (C) because they fear repercussions when, say, potential employers or sexual partners can look at things you posted five years ago when you were younger and stupider and which make you look bad now.

That last concern is understandable, especially for people who first joined Facebook as, say, hedonistic college freshmen and who are now applying for jobs in the Republican Party.  OK, bad example, but you get the point.  Remember, though, that employers are people, too, and they will come to understand that a few youthfully indiscreet photographs posted years ago are simply examples of the kind of rambunctious shenanigans in which anyone might take part.  Indeed, they might become wary of applicants with suspiciously innocuous online personalities.

Remember, employers, you may have to live with this hire for some time.  You might consider going for people who seem like they'll be fun around the water cooler.

Thursday Trendwatch

It occurs to me that anyone who needs Yahoo! to tell them that HOLIDAY CARDS (10) are currently a trendy topic probably isn't trendy enough to be on the interwebs in the first place.  The same could be said about FORECLOSURES (9), except for the refreshing news that foreclosures are down significantly from the same period last year.  Whatever refreshment one feels, though, is tempered by the realization that the main reason for the slowdown was the fact that banks were pretty much forced to cease and desist after the uproar over "robo-signers": robots from the future that came back in time to authorize foreclosures and kill Sarah Conner.  It looks like foreclosures will shoot up again next year--unless, of course, we find out that banks have engaged in even more recklessly illegal activities.  So, y'know, it's a 50-50 kind of shot.

Morning people--at least morning women--seem to be at lower risk for DEMENTIA (8), according to a new study.  People who are more active in the morning were significantly less likely to develop signs of dementia or mild cognitive impairment.  They also displayed greater worm-catching abilities.

A grotesque ELEVATOR ACCIDENT (7) claimed the life of a woman in New York City the other day.  In what sounds like a sketch for a scene in the next installment of "Final Destination," the 41-year-old was killed after she stepped onto an elevator that suddenly, unexpectedly, and violently shot up, pinning her between the elevator and the wall of the elevator shaft.  Investigators are trying to figure out what went wrong.

From the tragic to the. . . inane?. . .HOWARD STERN (6) will replace Piers Morgan as a judge on NBC's "America's Got Talent."  I guess NBC wanted to class things up a bit.  And speaking of people who have fallen out of the national consciousness, ANNA CHLUMSKY (5) of "My Girl" fame has made the trendwatch in recognition, I guess, of her ability to grow from an attractive tween into an attractive adult.  (Well, at any rate, far more attractive than you would expect something called "chlumsky" to be.)

Still marveling over holiday cards?  Well, hurry down to number 4, where you will find UNIQUE GIFT IDEAS.  The top three unique gift ideas are as follows: a vial filled with the ebola virus; ocelot cutlers; and a lifetime subscription to "The Solipsist" (including an official Solipsist, "I'm With No One" t-shirt.  If you'd rather go with a gag-gift, you could always buy your friend GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS (3) tickets.

Someone keeps putting ZOOEY DESCHANEL (2) on the trend list, and I can only assume it's to annoy me.  It won't work!  I'll just ignore her and zip on down to the number-one trendiest topic of this moment in the space-time continuum, SOFIA VERGARA, who received a Golden Globe nomination for her role in "Modern Family."  On the show, she plays a stunningly gorgeous Latina with a funny accent.  I have no idea how she manages to pull that off.

Kaj Vi Thought Esperanto Estis Stulta

Today's word is "Conlanger," a "person who constructs new languages."  (I can't help but wonder if the presence of the word "con" has any significance.)  Apparently, the field of conlangering is one of the nation's fastest growing professions, right up there with nurse and Republican presidential candidate, because of the proliferation of science-fiction and fantasy films and TV shows that want to add a bit of verisimilitude to their productions by incorporating the native tongues of various alien or otherwise mythical civilizations.  No longer is it acceptable for Klingons, Romulans or other alien entities to enter our quadrant of the universe from an intergalactic wormhole, de-cloak their starfighter, teleport aboard the Enterprise, and proceed to vaporize redshirts with handheld photon blasters, all the while speaking perfect English.

Because it's the fact that they speak ENGLISH that makes the whole thing unbelievable.

And it's not good enough simply to throw together a bunch of random syllables, hoots, and warbles.  Today's discerning science-fiction nerd--uh, fan--will see right through that.  Instead, today's producers hire linguistic specialists to construct full-fledged languages, complete with grammatical rules and expansive vocabularies.  In other words, these are languages that people can actually learn and speak--and a handful of people do.  According to an estimate Marc Okrand, who invented Klingon and must therefore be considered the Isaac Newton of Conlangers, approximately 20 people worldwide are completely fluent in Klingon (for the record, Okrand is not one of them).  At the same time, thousands of people know enough Klingon "to get by."

I'll end today's column here so you can ponder the ramifications of that last phrase.

School for Scoundrels

Last week, while reading an article about the lobbying efforts of for-profit education providers and growing steadily angrier, I was brought up short by the following:

"In a coordinated approach that also included Capitol Hill protests, petition drives, newspaper ads and more, industry advocates stressed that jobs. . .would be lost if the institutions were put out of business. They questioned why nonprofit schools were untouched. And they accused the administration of highlighting some abuses to stigmatize an industry that educates second-chance students shunned by traditional academia."
("With Lobbying Blitz, For-Profit Colleges Diluted New Rules")

Right!  Pity the poor unfortunate students cast aside by the unfeeling guardians of the ivory tower!

Let's talk about these "second-chance students shunned by traditional academia."  Certainly, not everyone possesses the intellectual chops to flourish at Harvard or Berkeley or the University of Chicago.  Indeed, even lesser institutions of higher learning prove daunting to students who may well have struggled through high school or GED programs.  But there is an option for these students--an option that doesn't require students to take out massive loans or receive huge taxpayer-financed subsidies: It's called community college.

As I've mentioned before in this space, a student at a California community college can currently complete an entire associates degree (60) units for a little under $1,800; tuition costs are scheduled to increase, but a 60-unit associates degree will still cost under $2,500.  More to the point, many of these "second-chancers" pursue not degrees, but certificates--certificates that will enable them to pursue employment in the very vocational fields like automotive repair and culinary arts in which many of these for-profit schools specialize.  A certificate is typically about 18 units--or less than $800 in tuition, even taking into account the new, higher costs.  Compare this to the thousands of dollars typically charged by a for-profit institution.  Even an at-risk, second-chance student can do that math.

Market fundamentalists need to accept the fact that there are some things that for-profit enterprises do not do well.  One of those things is education.  There is an inherent contradiction in the mission of an organization that needs to maximize profits while providing a service that--if done right--may dissatisfy its clients.  And there is a problem when private profits are generated by the provision of public funds: The whole reason those lobbyists are lobbying is to ensure that their clients can continue to offer financial aid packages including federal student loans.

In the case of for-profit education, you get far less than what you pay for.  Stick to the public schools, and you'll get far more.

Monday Miscellany

What, exactly, does Dr. House do with all of his time?  In a typical episode, he'll brainstorm with his team for about five minutes, banter with Wilson for five minutes, see a couple of patients in the clinic, and maybe--maybe--spend a few minutes in his patient's room.  What does he do with the rest of the day?  Even if he writes a daily entry in a mordant, self-absorbed blog, that would only account for another seven minutes.

The 24/7 Rat Race

Today's Times featured a front-page story about high-flying traders--you know, the type who destroyed the world economy a few years back--who get up in the wee small hours of the morning to get a jump on the day's trading: They don't want to sleep through the opening bells in the euro zone, you see.  I imagine some of these folks probably alter their sleep cycles to keep pace with markets in Asia.

Does it make me a bad person that I take some satisfaction in knowing that the sleep debt these guys--and they are mostly guys--rack up will probably lead to a great deal of personal suffering and, perhaps, premature death?

Turn off your Bloomberg terminals!  Go to sleep!  Maybe you'll dream of a way to do something productive with your lives!

Thursday Trendwatch--Saturday Edition

When I was a yeshiva boy, we always bought HANUKKAH CANDLES (10) through my school.  The boxes contained the exact number of candles needed for the eight-night holiday.  On the first night of Hanukkah, observant Jews--as well as others who simply like to look at shiny things--light two candles, and each subsequent evening calls for the addition of one candle.  Those members of Solipsist Nation preparing for the SATs can figure out the total number of candles for themselves.  For the benefit of those of you NOT interested in math, we will forego commentary on TAX PLANNING (9) and OIL PRICES (8).

We hope this will not lead to accusations of APPEASEMENT (7), of which one Yahoo! contributor has accused President Obama.  Apparently, this commentator feels that Obama's withdrawal from Iraq and his coddling (?) of Iran constitute Chamberlainian acts of weakness.  Granted, we haven't started bombing Iran--yet, but I hardly see how the establishment of sanctions on Iran--to say nothing of Syria and Libya--and the killing of various terrorist leaders around the world, including a guy named bin Laden, constitute appeasement.  This writer keeps using that word, though; I do not think it means what he thinks it means. . . .

Okay, ladies, ASHTON KUTCHER (6) has turned down an invitation to spend New Year's Eve with Lea Michele, his co-star in "New Year's Eve."  No doubt he has heard about the unfortunate incidents that occurred way back when Jamie Lee Curtis accepted an invitation to spend Halloween with her "Halloween" co-star, Donald Pleasance.  Meanwhile, Rainey Qualley (Rainey Qualley?), the daugher of ANDIE MACDOWELL (5), has been named "Miss Golden Globe" for 2012.  I have no idea what this means, but I suspect this is an honor slightly greater than winning a Golden Globe.

According to Miss Manners, you must take several things into account when juggling numerous HOLIDAY INVITATIONS (4).  While it is all right to accept multiple invitations, one must strive to remain at each stop for a certain "minimum" time: about 45 minutes for drinks but for the entire meal at a dinner party.  (I wonder if Ashton Kutcher consulted the etiquette expert before publicly refusing an invitation fro,m his RomCom co-star?)

Speaking of etiquette, how long does propriety require one to wait after a divorce before diving back into the dating pool?  I ask on behalf of KRIS HUMPHRIES (3).  I have no inside information on whether the basketball "star" and former Mr. Kardashian has started seeing anyone.  But I am concerned that, if he starts dating too soon, it could call into question the sincerity of his marriage, and I would hate to see the sanctity of this romance for the ages besmirched by any premature gallivanting on the part of Humphries.

If he IS back on the dating market, maybe the newly single "Glee" star DIANNA AGRON (2) would be interested.  Then she could totally screw with Lea Michele: "Ha, ha!  I'm dating Kris Humphries and you got dissed by Kut-cher!  Neener, neener, billy goat!"

I'm pretty sure that's what she would say.

Finally, ELLIE KEMPER (1), of "The Office" is engaged to a former writer for Conan O'Brien.

Since I've only watched up to, like, season 5 of "The Office," I'm not exactly sure who Ms. Kemper is, but I wish her the best.  I wonder if she'll invite Ashton Kutcher to the wedding.

NOT Dinnertime Reading

Last night on "The Colbert Report," Stephen reported on a new treatment for people suffering from a lack of beneficial bacteria in their guts--

--Now, before I go on, I want to emphasize once again that this is NOT appropriate reading if you are eating dinner. . . . or if you are planning to eat dinner. . . ever.

--As I was saying: A new treatment for people suffering from a lack of beneficial intestinal bacteria: Fecal transplants!

Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like: Doctors take fecal matter from healthy people and transplant it into the digestive tract of the afflicted.

I had actually heard of this treatment before.  What I had NOT heard was the fact that, apparently, the method of transplantation is, well, oral.  For some unimaginable reason, the helpful bacteria can not simply be injected into the intestine: They must be swallowed.  As Stephen commented, doctors can now write prescriptions for people to "Eat shit and LIVE!"

What I don't understand is this: People who suffer from the lack of helpful parasites can hardly manage to eat anything.  One woman mentioned that, for a year, the only thing she could keep down was crackers and water.

Now, if you can barely stomach crackers and water, how the hell are you going to manage to swallow a big helping of poop?

Oh, and, I apologize.

Not That It Matters to ME, Of Course. . .

On commercials for the impotence-fighting drug Cialis, the voice-over warns that men should "avoid drinking alcohol to excess" when taking Cialis.

So. . . which drugs ALLOW you to drink alcohol to excess?

This Is Maybe a Test

How not to run an evacuation drill:

Yesterday, we who work in the library at my college were informed that there would be an evacuation drill today. Of course there would. It's the week before finals, everyone is stressed out and rushed--let's practice running out of a building! Anyway, the emergency services folks told us that the drill would occur sometime before noon, most likely around 11:00.

Yesterday, coincidentally, I became aware of the fact that I was actually a building monitor, responsible for assisting during things like evacuation drills. Fair enough. I studied up, did some stretching, took a Xanax, and felt fully prepared to take part in today's festivities.

Now, funny thing: Contra Costa County has a number of refineries and chemical plants on its outskirts. Not coincidentally, the county also has a sort of early-warning system of sirens placed throughout the area that sound an alarm in the event of a leak. When the siren goes off, people are supposed to "shelter-in-place," i.e., get inside and stay inside until the all-clear is given. I've never actually heard the alarm go off for real. However, on the first Wednesday of every month, at 11:00 AM, the system is tested and the alarm sounds. Today, the first Wednesday in December, was no exception. At 11:00 on the dot, the alarms sounded as they always do.

Now, everybody KNOWS about regular, monthly shelter-in-place siren-testing. So, at 11:00, when the county-wide siren went off, I looked up briefly and then went back to what I was doing--let's say working. So did everybody else.

Well, almost everybody else. I heard a ruckus coming from the other side of the library and went to investigate. The head librarian, a somewhat. . .excitable sort, was going through the library telling everybody to get out of the building immediately! We needed to evacuate.

I made the mistake of approaching and asking whether she was SURE this was the evacuation drill?

"Yes, this is it!"

"But, I'm pretty sure that was just the regular shelter-in-place test--"

"I know, but they said around 11:00! They probably combined them!"

"'Combined them'? Can they do that?"

"THEY'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW!"

"OK, but. . . you've noticed that OUR alarms aren't going off in here, right?"

"Doesn't matter! This is it!"

Deciding that this was a battle not truly worth fighting, I went back into the tutoring center and told everybody that they had to leave right away.

"But, Mr. Solipsist, that was just the shelter-in-place--"

"DON'T START WITH ME, TIMMY."

An embarrassing number of minutes later, we managed to get everyone out of the library. As I was heading to the assembly area, I found myself walking next to a police aide, who asked me why everybody was leaving the library. I explained that we were doing our evacuation drill.

"But that's not happening for another 20 minutes!"

"Yeah, well, the librarian heard the siren, and. . . "

"That was just the shelter-in-pl--"

"DON'T START WITH ME, TIMMY!"

"My name is Angela."

Anyway. In fairness to the frazzled head librarian, I cannot help but question the wisdom of an emergency services department that schedules a drill for the same day and approximately the same time as a regularly scheduled siren test. This all could have been made much clearer. Still, a valuable experience nonetheless. Nice to know that, in the event of an actual emergency, we will all most likely die.

Thursday Trendwatch

Back on November 10, I did the usual Thursday trendwatch.  While writing, my computer shut down unexpectedly.  When I signed back on, I saw that I had just finished number 5.  I completed the column and posted it as usual.

At least, I THOUGHT I had published it as usual.

Today, as I looked through my "Drafts," hoping to find something I could quickly and easily revise and slap up on the web, I saw that, for some reason, the post for Thursday, November 10, never made it up.  Worse yet, I had lost numbers 1-4!

Anyway, since I don't have much to say today, here's part of what you missed back on November 10.

And, by the way, did NOBODY notice that there was no post for November 10?  You could have SAID something!  Yeesh!

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Here are the top-trending topics on Yahoo! as of 6:48 PM, PST (11/10/11).

10. OGOPOGO: Ogopogo (full name, Dr. Ogopogo Clancy Bernstein, Psy.D) lives in LakeOkanagan in Canada--or does he?  Like that of the Loch Ness Monster, Ogopogo's existence has never been conclusively established, but now someone has caught him on tape.  As a Canadian, Ogopogo was a exceedingly polite to the videographer, asking nicely before biting the man's head off.

9. SCHIZOPHRENIA: A research study in Toronto (headed, I believe, by Dr. Ogopogo Bernstein) has linked schizophrenia to heavy use of methamphetamines.  Surprising, really, as meth addicts seem so mentally stable.

8. KRISTALLNACHT: In 1938, the "Night of Broken Glass" occured when Nazis rampaged through Germany, destroying synagogues and Jewish-owned businesses.  I tried to come up with a joke for this, but I'll take it as a good sign that I couldn't.

7. JON SANDUSKY: Sandusky is the director of player personnel for the Cleveland Browns.  His father, Jerry Sandusky, has been accused of sexually assaulting a series of young boys, starting when he was working as an assistant football coach at Penn State.  Proving that the sins of the father are visited upon the son, the younger Sandusky has been forced to continue working with the Cleveland Browns.

6. MADONNA LEAK: I don't care how trendy it is, I don't want to KNOW what part of Madonna is leaking.

5. 30-YEAR MORTGAGE RATE: The 30-year mortgage rate has fallen below 4%.  Nobody has any money to make a down payment, or anything, but let's call this good news anyway.

Monday Miscellany

SOLIPSIST (On phone): Hel-lo!

WOS: Hi!

SOL: What's happening?

WOS: Nothing much.  I just got back from the store.  I got a bunch of food!

SOL: Great.  What do you want to have for dinner?

WOS: Oh. . .well, I didn't really get "dinnery" food.

SOL: Oh.  Um. . . OK. . . .So. . . ?

WOS: Like, I got you one of these Hickory-Farm type things?  And it comes with some sausages and cheese and crackers, AND it has a cutting board and a little knife.  It's really cute!

SOL: Well, cuteness IS a quality I value highly for in food.

WOS: Right?!?  And I got you a GIANT Reese's cup.

SOL: OK.

WOS: And butterscotch pudding!  They had this great deal!  Like 24 pudding cups for $2.00!

SOL: That is a good price for pudding.

WOS: I KNOW!

SOL: OK, don't take this the wrong way?  But I think I should go to the store with you from now on.

WOS: Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

Important Changes to The Solipsist

A piece by Susan Crawford in today's Times, discusses the "digital divide" separating those with adequate (i.e., home) access to the internet from the great unwashed who must make do with slower (if cooler) access through smartphones.  This is a disturbing topic.  It suggests that some of my devoted followers may not have a fully optimized Solipsist experience.  Not to worry, though; until the federal government does something to remedy this appalling situation, Your-Not-So-Humble-Correspondent is looking out for you.  To make things easier for those of you with slower connections, I will henceforth type much slower.  You're welcome.

Unemployment Plummets after Fed Changes Meaning of "Unemployed"

WASHINGTON--Obama administration officials yesterday declared an end to the unemployment crisis, after a working group of economists, manufacturers, and anatomists released a report officially changing the meaning of the word "unemployed" from its previous definition--"without a job; out of work"--to the more politically useful, "state of having or possessing three or more  legs."

"We felt something had to be done to solve the unemployment problem once and for all," Labor Secretary Hilda Solis said.  "Finding jobs for 27 million people was just not a feasible solution.  We think this represents a good compromise."

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner seconded Solis.  "Have YOU ever tried to employ 43 million people?  Can't be done."

When asked about the new definition, Dr. Michelle Sokolove, the lead anatomist on the panel, explained, "Originally we looked at fingers.  We thought defining the unemployed as those lacking a full set of fingers--ten--might help us eliminate 96 million people from the ranks of the unemployed.  You'd be surprised, though, how many people in America are missing fingers--even if we exclude pinkies."  Sokolove went on to explain that this method of counting the "unemployed" actually produced an increase in the unemployment rate to 9.7%.  "We had a similar problem with toes."

Eventually, the panel thought about using a surplus of fingers as the defining characteristic of an "unemployed person."  While this did lower the official unemployment rate to 7.3%, the panel felt that more could be done.

"Actually," said Solis, "it was former Labor Secretary Robert [Too-Tall] Reich who came up with the ultimate solution. "We had him on a conference call, and he said, 'Well, if you're going to base the unemployment rate on ridiculous physical characteristics, why not only count people with three legs as unemployed?'  The man's a genius!"

"Yeah, that was what we call sarcasm," Reich explained, when asked for comment.

The new measurement will go into official use immediately.  With this announcement, the United States unemployment rate has now fallen to 0.0002%.

In a related story, unemployment benefits for Anthony "Sidecar" Montrose of Butters, NC, have been extended another 50 weeks.

I'll Have a Large Popcorn, No Butter, and Some Phenobarbital

Apparently, a scene in the latest "Twilight" installment ("Breaking Wind," I think) is, in rare cases, causing seizures ("Epilepsy Foundation Issues Warning About Latest ‘Twilight’ Movie").

People having violent physical reactions to movies is not unheard of.  The shaky camera work in "The Blair Witch Project" caused nausea in many people, including Your Not-So-Humble Correspondent.  And I also broke out in hives while watching "The Blind Side," although that was probably just a reaction to Sandra Bullock.

Thursday Trendwatch

Proving that fake fire alarms are comedy gold, NBC Nightly News anchor BRIAN WILLIAMS (10) interrupted "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" with a mock alarm.  Williams was responding to Stewart's mockery of Williams' handling of a false (but admittedly annoying) alarm that went off during NBC's news broadcast earlier in the week.  Just remember, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. . . or dies horribly in a fire that first responders couldn't reach because they were too busy responding to false alarms.

OK, that could be funny, too.

Speaking of funny, today is World AIDS Day.  (I checked my mailbox, by the way: Your cards and presents must still be in transit.  Just sayin'.)  Actually, some good news has come out of the front, as AIDS RESEARCH (9) has made great strides.  Now, instead of being an instant death sentence, AIDS has in many parts of the world become something like a manageable chronic illness like diabetes or halitosis.  New research also indicates that effective treatment also greatly reduces transmission.

Obviously, any hint that the scourge of AIDS may largely fade is great news.  My only concern is, What horrific disease is going to rear its head next?  Ebola?  Marburg Virus?  Mega-halitosis?  Stay tuned.

Up next in the trendwatch, HANUKKAH CANDLES (8).  Or, if you prefer the variant spelling: Hanukkah Kandels.  There's no particularly story here, other than the fact that the candles are on sale (insert your own mercantilistic Jew jokes here).  Still, since no one knows exactly when Hanukkah STARTS, it's probably a good idea to get your candles now.  And, of course, to get a jump on sending those gifts, cards, gelt, to your favorite blogger.  Or, better yet, to me: Fuck Huffington!

To go back to World AIDS Day for a moment, one of the big events is the premiere of a documentary about children living with the disease: "Keep a Child Alive with ALICIA KEYS" (7).  No word on whether the children were give a choice in the matter.

Well, look who's imitating the Solipsist, now: Yahoo!  See, we do our weekly capsule of Yahoo's trendwatch, and now Yahoo! horns in on our action by putting together its own YEAR IN REVIEW (6), or, as we call it here at the Solipsist: Plagiarism!  I mean, they're just trying to crush the little guy by putting together a sort of Meta-Trendwatch of the whole year!  I could do that.  I WILL do that.  Start sending in your suggestions for what we should include in our own Solipsistic year-end recap.  Suggestions will be ignored in the order received.

In a sign on blatant anti-Semitism, ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREES (5) sneak onto the trendlist three spots AHEAD of (REAL) Hanukkah candles.  Time to boycott!

And speaking of boycotts, KHLOE KARDASHIAN (4) has apparently not been boycotted off of TV yet, but she IS "counting down" to the birth of her sister Kourtney's new baby.  I guess this falls under the category of "newsworthy" because it suggests that Khloe possesses the ability to count.

 

KATHERINE HEIGL (3) is a castrating bitch!  Seriously!  Well, I don't know about the "bitch" part, but she's seriously into castration.  Of dogs, that is.  She's taken her talents to IHateBalls.com to promote the spaying and neutering of pets.

Just to be on the safe side, though, I'm officially crossing her off my list of fantasy-worthy celebrities: Everybody else moves up a notch (good news for Hillary Clinton).

Disgraced former Illinois Governor (Yeah, I know: Redundant) ROD BLAGOJEVICH (2) may get 15 to 20 years in prison for his role in a scheme to "sell" the senate seat of President Obama.  Prosecutors have actually offered Blago a choice: 20 years in prison or 20 minutes alone in a room with Katherine Heigl. . .and a pair of pruning shears.





The top item on this week's trendwatch is confusing: It's about SARA GILBERT (1), formerly of "Roseanne."  The article claims she has a new girlfriend.  I can only assume they meant "boyfriend."  I mean, Sara Gilbert's a WOMAN.  Isn't she?  I'll have to look into this.

"Consubstantial"? Really?!?

Last night, Stephen Colbert reported on recent changes to the Latin Mass.  Specifically, the Nicene Creed now states that Jesus Christ is "consubstantial with the Father."  This replaces the phrase "one in Being with the Father."  Now, I'm no Catholic, but I possess enough basic literacy skills to derive from the context of this discussion that "consubstantial" means "one in Being with"--except it's far more high-falutin'.  We can conclude from this revision, therefore, that Vatican scholars are like seventh-graders trying to impress their English teacher. 

Writers should never use five-dollar word when fifty-cent ones will do.  The single word "consubstantial" doesn't even really provide an advantage in brevity over the four-word "one in Being with": Both options contain the same number of letters and syllables.

As a Jew, I am apathetic.  As an English teacher, I am unimpressed.

The Cost of Doing Business

Among the financial shenanihoots that helped bring down the world financial system was a scheme by Citigroup to sell investments that were designed to fail so that the company could bet against them and reap huge profits.  The Securities and Exchange Commission took a dim view of this and filed suit against Citigroup.  The two parties agreed to settle the lawsuit: Citigroup would pay a $285 million fine, without admitting to any wrongdoing.  All that was left was for Federal Judge Jed S. Rakoff to sign off on the deal.  Yesterday, however, Judge Rakoff rejected this agreement.

Good for him.

The agreement bothered Judge Rakoff because he was asked, essentially, to serve as a "rubber stamp."  Despite the fact that the SEC alleged that Citigroup had committed fraud, the agreement provided insufficient specifics, and the company was not required to admit wrongdoing.  Therefore, the judge could not determine whether the agreement was “fair, reasonable, adequate and in the public interest."  And about that whole, "Is it in the public interest" question?  Let me save you some trouble, Judge Rakoff: It's not.

The judge correctly pointed out that, while $285 million may sound like a lot of money, it's basically pocket change to a company like Citigroup.  And paying such a fine--particularly if a settlement does not require a company to admit wrongdoing--can be written off as an acceptable cost of doing business.  The SEC wants to settle the cases because the agency worries--understandably--that it cannot win a trial against a company with the vast legal and financial resources of Citigroup.  A bird in the hand--or 285 million birds--is worth some even more hefty amount in the bush.

Except it's not.

If the government took Citigroup--or AIG or Bank of America or any of the other malefactors of great wealth--to trial, nobody knows what would happen.  The government might very well lose the case.  I suspect, though, they might not.  And at any rate, going to trial would send a message that the costs of doing business might turn out higher than Citigroup might like to pay.  Obviously, these petty-cash fines don't convince the wrongdoers to change their evil ways.

So Judge Jed Rakoff did his job.  Now it's time for the SEC to do theirs.

Monday Miscellany

Warning: This Commercial Contains Explicit Hypocrisy

In commercials for its "Black Friday" deals, Wal-Mart ("the happiest place on earth") used AC/DC's "Back in Black" as background music.  Does anyone else find it interesting that the store uses music in its commercials from a band whose albums it probably refuses to stock?

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At the Baseball Talks, They Did "Nude Descending a Staircase"

At a press conference announcing a tentative deal to end the lockout, representatives of the NBA, the team owners' group, and the players' union took a moment to recreate Leonardo Da Vinci's "Last Supper":

In an unrelated story, Miami Heat forward Lebron James (not pictured) announced that he was "taking his talents to Gethsemane."

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And, for a Great Dane, Scooby-Doo Is Really Cowardly!

I just noticed: On "The Flintstones," Fred powers his car with his feet!  That means that, when he's driving, he's actually just walking--and carrying his car at the same time!!!  What an idiot!

Plus, You've Got to Take the Kochs and Scaifes with the Gateses

Through the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, billionaire Bill Gates has donated millions of dollars to such causes as improving education, eradicating malaria, and upgrading water systems around the world.  Through the Open Society Foundation, billionaire George Soros has disbursed vast sums to promote democracy and human rights.  These guys are part of the problem.

Don't get me wrong: I think clean water and human rights are good things--especially when it comes to making soup.  But as Nicholas Confessore points out in today's Times, such aggressive philanthropy often finds itself at odds with democratic principles and the greater good.  While some would argue that any private support for public initiatives is welcome in these economically difficult times, such largesse often provides ammunition for conservative arguments about the rationale for shrinking government--"starving the beast," in their parlance: "See, government doesn't need to be involved: Private citizens can do a fine job of providing for society's well-being."

But even if private charity could conceivably fund public services at a level adequate for society's needs (it can't), the relinquishment of such services to the private sector would represent an unacceptable abdication of government responsibilities.  While everybody may support the idea of improving education, for example, not everybody agrees that Bill Gates' approach (which places particular emphasis on the role of charter schools) is the best way to get there.  But in a privately funded system, the citizens don't have a choice about the way the money is used: They can take it or leave it, and "leaving it" is not a realistic option.

Certainly, Gates and Soros and other public-spirited tycoons have every right to use their money the way they see fit.  As citizens, we can applaud their charitable impulses and appreciate their desire to "give back" to the society that has enabled them to amass their great fortunes.  But we must also remember that we cannot count on their support to meet all of society's varied needs.  The best way for the 1% to give back is to support (as, to their credit, people like Gates and Warren Buffett do) progressive taxation to meet the needs of the general public.

National Boredom Association

I suppose, as a sports fan, I should be happy that NBA team owners and players have reached a tentative deal to end their lockout and avoid canceling an entire season.  The National Hockey League canceled an entire season several years ago, and they still haven't regained the dozens of fans they had before that labor dispute.  I'd hate to see basketball become just so much hockey.

At the same time, I find it hard to get overly excited about the coming season.  Maybe this is just a side effect of being a Knicks fan.  But maybe not.  I'd like to say my lack of enthusiasm stems from the fact that, as part of the 99%, I got turned off by squabbles between a bunch of multi-millionaire players and billionaire owners who shut down their industry because they couldn't reach agreement on how to divide an enormous pie.  Adding insult to injury, the ultimate agreement essentially calls for owners and players to split league revenues fifty-fifty: a big pay cut for the players (who previously earned about 57% of revenue), but in the end the kind of incredibly simple solution that a grade-school student could have come up with months ago.

I'd like to say that's why I'm unenthusiastic, but I don't think that's it, either.

I think what I'm feeling stems from a fact that I'm only now coming to realize: Most regular-season basketball games are, frankly, dull as dirt.  Many of the games are complete mismatches--say, the Miami Heat against the Cleveland Cavaliers, or the Cleveland Cavaliers against absolutely anybody.  And even games between two competitive teams are essentially just back and forth affairs that don't really become interesting until the final five minutes or so.  And the season just drags on forever--66 games in this thankfully shortened season but 82 games in a normal year--so that any one game really doesn't matter all that much.

I suppose if my Knicks find themselves competitive, my apathy may dissipate.  Otherwise, just wake me for the playoffs.

Black and Blue

Yesterday morning, I ran to the store to buy milk and cat food (we were out of cereal).  On my way home, I passed Best Buy.  In front of the store were some temporary barricades, and behind the barricades were. . . tents.  A new front in the "Occupy" movement, perhaps?  Sadly, no.  Just people lining up early for the big deals on Black Friday.

When I was a child, I remember asking someone--I think it was DOS--in all sincerity whether stores were open the day after Thanksgiving.  I guess I figured, since I had no school, maybe everything was closed.  Anyway, DOS informed me that, not only were stores open, but the day after Thanksgiving was probably the biggest shopping day of the year.  I don't recall whether he used the term "Black Friday" or not; the phrase wasn't so commonly circulated back then.  At some point, I learned that the day earned its nickname from the fact that this was the day on which stores got "into the black" (and "out of the red") for the year.

I'm honestly not sure when "Black Friday" became a common meme, a regular fixture on the national calendar.  I realized this year, though, that many people discussed Black Friday as if it were an actual, official holiday.  Like, "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?  Where are you going for Black Friday?"  If as many people celebrated Arbor Day, we'd probably go a long way toward solving the world's environmental crisis.

I tell myself those people camped out in front of Best Buy must be enjoying themselves because otherwise there is truly no rational explanation for their behavior.  I saw in the paper that one of the mega deals being offered was a $500 HDTV for $200.  A hefty savings, sure.  But assume these people got to the "campsite" at, say, 9:00 AM (a highly conservative estimate) and would be on line 'til the doors opened at, say, 10:00 PM (again, a conservative estimate); that means people were "earning" a bit less than $25 an hour for their "labor" (the $300 savings divided by 13 hours).  $25 an hour is not a bad wage, but remember, the estimates of the time spent on line are conservative: Most people probably earned a much lower "hourly wage."  And even those at the higher end of the "payscale" are simply working for the privilege of handing over $200 to a major retailer.

OK, for some families, the opportunity to miss the drama around the Thanksgiving dinner table is a reward in and of itself--but you don't need to patronize Best Buy to receive it!

Maybe some of the nation's "Occupiers" should move their own tents in front of Best Buy and Macy's and Wal-Mart and have a discussion with their fellow campers.

Thursday Trendwatch

Among the things the Solipsist is thankful for today, I am thankful that I am not in Maryland.  Not only because, you know, it's in Maryland, but also because, if I were there, I might have significant trouble getting my Social Security DISABILITY BENEFITS (10).  Marylanders are reporting long delays in receiving approval for these vital payments, and, with disability claims soaring by about 30%, there is no relief in sight.  And if the rate of disability among Marylanders has gone up by 30%, that suggests yet another reason to be thankful I am far, far away.

I am also thankful for the GIFT BASKETS (9) I am sure to receive from my adoring fans.  Godiva Chocolates, Hickory Farms meats and cheese, Beers of the world--really, anything is fine.  In fact, to save yourselves some trouble, you could always send me a gift basket filled with gift baskets.

If you're shopping for a teenager, though, you should consider buying a gift basket filled with SMARTPHONES (8) and "minutes."  A new report finds that teens would rather receive a smartphone than a new car.  This suggests something that I have long suspected: Teenagers are idiots.

Speaking of idiots, if you believed that the ALIEN SKULL (7) unearthed in Peru belonged to an actual, um, alien, you were wrong.  (Sorry.  Here, have a smartphone.)

The headline on this article reads "Alien Skull in Peru Almost Definitely a Hoax of Some Description."  Love the "almost."

Maybe the alien skull is actually just an aborted Muppet.  We could always ask AMY ADAMS (6) who co-stars in this weekend's big release, "Yet Another Muppet Movie" (that may not be the actual title).  She plays "the human."

Thanksgiving is a day when we give thanks and look back to a simpler time before we cared about such things as electricity or the rights of native peoples.  So it stands to reason that today's trendwatch should contain a feature on CLEAN ENERGY (5).  Turns out that using renewable energy resources like wind and solar may not only be good policy but good politics--and better for the planet.  There must be a catch.

Next on the trendwatch, NATALIE WOOD (4) is still dead.  The captain of the ship she was sailing on when she drowned has come forward to say that he suspects her husband, Robert Wagner, had something to do with her death.  I didn't know that she was on the ship with Wagner and Christopher Walken.  This makes me think that maybe her death wasn't accidental: Lord knows, I'd consider jumping into open water to escape whatever those two might have thought up.

Natalie Wood's obvious heir, of course, is MILEY CYRUS (3), who spent Tuesday night partying like she was 19--which she was.  Happy birthday, Hannah Montana!  Stay away from Robert Wagner's yacht!

KARINA SMIRNOFF (2) has a lot to be thankful for today, too.  The vodka heiress won the celebrity competition "Dancing with the Stars" the other night, and--  What?  She's not related to the vodka?  Oh, so. . . what makes her a "Star"?  Oooh, she's the PROFESSIONAL DANCER part of the couple.  Her "Star" is J. R. Martinez.  I get it.

Now, who the hell is J. R. Martinez?

Finally, SARAH PALIN (1) and family are no doubt thankful today for the efforts of Knoxville, TN, prosecutors, who gained a conviction against David Kernell for hacking into Caribou Barbie's e-mail.  But thinking about Sarah Palin should make us all thankful for a couple of other things, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

Happy holidays, everybody!