More Stupid Questions (A Brief Post)

At the pharmacy counter today, the pharmacist--who presumably went to college--pointed at the bracelet on WOS' wrist and asked, "Is that a bracelet?"

No, it's a cinammon roll.

Sarcasm is wasted.

Sympathy for Cleveland

With apologies to the hordes of Sloppists who couldn't care less, we must weigh in on the whole Lebron James debacle.

What a pathetic disappointment.

We don't mind so much that he didn't choose the Knicks--we stick to our earlier analysis of that situation. But his ultimate choice--Miami--speaks volumes about the kind of competitor that James really is, and that is what's truly disappointing.

If Lebron had gone to New York--or even Chicago or New Jersey or just about anywhere else--Cleveland would still have felt a betrayal, and there would have been some shock and disappointment around the league. But there would also have been something almost noble about it. Lebron would effectively be saying that he wanted to take on a new challenge and that he felt he had a better chance of winning with a team other than the Cavaliers.

Look, we appreciate that the man wants to win a championship. If he says he wants to go somewhere that gives him the best chance to win a ring--and fast--we take him at his word. Indeed, he presumably would have received more money had he chosen to remain in Cleveland, so we accept the fact that cash is not James' primary motivation. And, with the Miami Heat's retention of Dwyane Wade and its signing of Chris Bosh, this team would seem to be in a position to cakewalk to the NBA finals.

But here's the thing about theHeat: This is the one team in the NBA--with the possible exception of the Lakers--that Lebron could go where he will not be the number-one guy. Oh, sure, we can argue that, in terms of pure talent, Lebron James is a better player than Dwyane Wade. But the Heat are Wade's team--have been, and will continue to be, regardless of the numbers that James puts up.

The situation reminds us of when A-Rod went to the Yankees. Rodriguez is one of the greatest baseball players of all time--possibly the greatest by the time he retires. But Derek Jeter has remained the face and voice and soul of the team.

Lebron is a terrific player taking a short cut to a title. However much he contributes to Miami--and we don't doubt he will contribute a lot--he will always be seen as someone who hitched a free ride on the back of someone else who has already truly earned a championship ring. He may still call himself the King, but he has cheapened his throne: Wade should now be referred to as the Prime Minister, the one who truly wields the power.

Charity Begins at Starbucks

A panhandler made his way down the line of cars at the drive-thru the other morning. We idled behind a minivan with Georgia plates. The panhandler stopped at the minivan's window. The woman behind the wheel shook her head apologetically. The panhandler approached our window, and we, too, shrugged and murmured something about having no spare change.

At about this moment, the minivan woman rolled down her window and called the man back--she had apparently located some spare change. He went to her window, accepted the coins graciously, and began to walk away. After he had gotten to the sidewalk, the woman honked her horn. She had found even more change and wanted to give it away. The man came back and took the extra money.

While we respect the woman's desire to go the extra mile--to search her purse or cup holders for something to give this indigent stranger even after he had walked away--we think that calling him back smacks of excessive piety. Maybe she was simply honoring the traditions of Southern hospitality or Christian charity, but, to us, her actions reflected less of a desire to reach out than to rub in.

Nation?

Just a Thought

What if someone wants to crunch but not to munch? Presumably one could just buy a Crunch bar, but then what about the need for gooey peanuts?

Evolutionary Dead-Ends and Hot Sauce

Gluttony: It's as American as that apple pie you're stuffing your face with.

Over the 4th of July weekend, one finds food-related programming across the dial, not just on Food Network. Many programs focus on food festivals across the country: lobsterfests in New England, barbecue extravaganzas in the South, chili cookoffs throughout the land.

Several shows revolve around challenges--not just cooking challenges, either. In addition to the famous hot dog eating contest in Coney Island--a major sporting event that gets the full ESPN treatment, there is "Man vs. Food," a staple of the Travel Channel. On this show, the portly Adam Richman treks from city to city, accepting restaurant challenges along the way: a six-pound burrito in Vegas, eight 3-pound omelets in Denver--you get the idea. Several of Adam's challenges involve not just size but strength--intestinal fortitude, if you will. He often must not only eat large quantities of some foodstuff, but said foodstuff must also contain enough capsacin to qualify as illegal under the Geneva conventions.

Which brings us to Darwin.

We imagine that a chili-pepper biologist (they must exist), would explain the capsacin content of chili peppers as a product of natural selection: The spicier a pepper, the less likely it is to be eaten by wild animals: After a leopard takes one ill-informed bite of a Guatemalan insanity pepper, he is unlikely to repeat the experiment.

What, then, does it say about humankind that we see this sort of defense mechanism as a challenge--as a dare? Does this represent a flaw in Darwinism? The theory of "survival of the fittest" crumbles in the face of a species too dumb to know when it is best to avoid what causes it pain.

When you think about it, "Man Vs. Food" goes a long way towards explaining everything from nuclear weapons to people who text while driving.

Brave New World

In the past three days, the New York Times has featured stories about iPhone apps that deliver debating points to atheists; about people altering their eyes with potentially destructive Anime-style contact lenses; and, today, about advances in artificially-intelligent companions. (Click here for video)

So, technology can now help us refute the existence of God, play God, and, when it comes to providing solace for those suferring from dementia, replace God. Not bad.

(Image from Wikipedia)

Rhetoric Sandwich, Hold the Pickles

We found ourselves saying this to our writing class the other day, and we think it might be profound. Or, rather, not profound. . . . What's that other thing? Oh, yes, inane:

"So, you see the introduction and the conclusion might not be the longest paragraphs in your essay, but that's OK. They're like the bread for a sandwich. You don't want the bread to be the thickest part of the sandwich, right? You want the turkey to be the biggest part of the sandwich. But you still need the bread, 'cause otherwise, you're just holding two big handfuls of turkey and you get mayonaisse all over your fingers. The point is: even if you're doing, like, a thin-wrapped pita kind of thing, you need to have the bread for your essays."

Just remember: Teacher of the year finalist.