In Which We Fix Homeland Security

Whatever their politics--whether left-wing liberal, right-wing conservative, or Trump idiot--most people, including your not-so-humble correspondent, would agree that keeping track of visa holders in the United States would be a good idea--sort of a basic element of the whole visa system.  After all, if a country can't keep track of who has overstayed a visa, it kind of defeats the purpose of issuing the documents in the first place.  I was surprised, therefore, to read this morning that the Department of Homeland Security has no idea how many people with expired visas remain in the US.  And this despite the fact that Congress mandated such a tracking system over twenty years ago.

This is by no means to suggest that people who overstay visas do so for nefarious reasons.  I'm sure the vast majority of such visitors are gainfully employed or pursuing higher education or just happily backpacking across the Appalachians.  What I don't understand is why this is apparently such a difficult mechanism to create.  When someone enters the country on a visa, I assume this information is entered into some kind of database.  It seems to me that a tracking system could basically consist of a large Excel file: Visitor's name, date of entry, date of visa expiration, and--I don't know--ideal first date.  Don't tell me that this technology doesn't exist.  If Amazon can keep track of the fact that I once clicked on a Hello Kitty foot massager (by accident, I swear!), then the Department of Homeland Security can keep track of who legally comes into and goes out of the country!

In fact, the technology does exist.  The main sticking point--or one of them, anyway--is that building the necessary infrastructure would cost about $3 billion, and the airline industry has balked at picking up the cost.  Of course, considering the fact that $3 billion is a rounding error in the federal budget--and that politicians never miss an opportunity to pontificate on the threat of terrorism--one would humbly suggest that the Feds could just build the system themselves.  But that would require an embrace of common sense seldom seen at the national governmental level.

In Which We Review the Republican Debate

So, let me get this straight: At last night's Republican debate, Donald Trump argued that no increase in the minimum wage is necessary because wages are "too high."  At the same time, the tide of illegal immigration must be stemmed and some 11 million people deported because, as Ted Cruz claims, these illegal immigrants are "pushing down American wages."  In other words, restricting immigration will raise the wages of American workers, who are already overpaid.  I'm so confused.  Not as confused the masses of red-state blue-collar workers supporting billionaire Donald Trump, who apparently thinks that they--the workers--are paid too much, but confused nonetheless.

Also from the debate, according to Marco Rubio, America needs "more welders and less philosophers.”  As Stannis Baratheon would surely point out, what we need are "fewer" philosophers, but aside from that Rubio is absolutely right.  America must reduce its well-documented glut of philosophers!  Why, one can't swing a dead cat--or, if you're a Schrodingerian, a dead and alive cat--without whacking a philosopher in the face!  And I, for one, am sick and tired of placing ads for welders on Craigslist (none of your business!) and having twenty to thirty philosophy majors show up!

Absolutely!

"Daniel Stein, president of the Federation for American Immigration Reform, which favors reducing immigration, said many Americans still strongly oppose legalization for the 11 million immigrants in the country illegally because they feel that life in the United States 'is a precious asset that should be not be handed out easily.'” (New York Times, Saturday, June 21)

I could not agree more with Mr. Stein.  I think it completely unfair that these migrants should be allowed to achieve American citizenship without going through the hard work of people like me who had to be born here to get it!

Give Us Your Healthy. . . And We'll Mess That Up

I have been unfair to Republicans.  Here I thought their knee-jerk resistance to immigration reform was based on nativist prejudices or a desire to pander to their basest base.  Turns out, they were simply concerned for the well-being of immigrants.  A front-page article in today's Times reports on the health risks faced by immigrants, who have inordinately high rates of heart disease, diabetes, and--I don't know, let's say rickets--especially when compared to their foreign-born relatives.  I guess when people move to this country, the sudden availability of high-calorie, high-fat foods is too much to resist; or maybe immigrants just want to blend in with the girthy native population.  Either way, it turns out those conservatives really are being compassionate.

Anchor Embryos

Ellie Lavi, an American native living in Israel, was told that her children, who were conceived via in vitro fertilization, did not automatically qualify for American citizenship unless she could confirm that either the egg and/or sperm used to conceive the girls was that of an American citizen.

In a bizarre, bureaucratic way, this makes sense.  I have to admit, though, I had never thought of sperm as possessing a nationality.  You realize what this means?  Every time an American man masturbates overseas, he facilitates a massive (albeit short-lived) invasion.  Don't let the strident anti-immigrant lobby get ahold of this information: Customs agents will be strapping non-removal condoms onto every arriving international male passenger, lest "anchor-semen" start crusting up the bedspreads at America's finest hotels.

Sorry.

Give Us Your Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe FABULOUS!

Say this for Americans: We don't do things by half measures. Now that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" has been repealed, and gay servicemembers no longer have to hide their sexual orientation to serve in the military, the government has apparently decided that no one should hide their sexuality. In fact, hiding one's sexuality can get you into trouble, especially if you're applying for asylum in the US. Many asylum-seekers are running into trouble because they are not "gay enough" to qualify for asylum in the eyes of immigration authorites.

This is the U S of A, god damnit! We like our steaks rare, our beer cold, and our gays flaming! You want to stay in this country? Show us the gay!

(Too subtle)

At the same time, though, don't take things too far. When Romulo Castro applied for asylum, he considered going as his drag-queen persona, Fidelia Castro. Wisely, he decided against this. It's gilding the lily. And let's face it: Anyone can dress up as a member of the opposite sex. It hardly proves anything. Hell, the Solipsist himself once donned a black mini-dress, red wig, and high heels and marched in the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade. That doesn't make us gay!

It doesn't right?

(This guy's trying too hard)

Our advice to potential asylum seekers: Just be yourself--with a little extra gay. And when the immigration man asks just how gay you are, lick your lips, give a big wink, and say, "Honey, how gay do you want me to be?"

(Just right)

Solipsistography

"Gays Seeking Asylum in US Encounter a New Hurdle"

Images from: TheTomCruise.com, Examiner.com, and Entertainment Weekly.

Sports Update (from the Fyooooo-turrrre).

July 19, 2010, Phoenix--In light of Arizona's draconian new anti-immigration law, several members of the New York Mets opted out of this week's series against the Arizona Diamondbacks. Fearing jail, deportation, or flogging, those Mets not born in the United States--Manny Acosta (Panama); Luis Castillo, Jenrry Mejia, Jose Reyes, and Fernando Tatis (D. R.); Henry Blanco, Fernando Nieve, Francisco Rodriguez, and Johan Santana (Venezuela); Oliver Perez (Mexico); Jason Bay (Canada); Raul Valdes (Cuba); and Hisanori Takahashi (Sweden--just seeing if you were still paying attention)--remained in New York.

Although probably not subject to deportation, Puerto Ricans Alex Cora, Pedro Feliciano, and Angel Pagan decided to remain behind as well. And although they were born in California, catcher Rod Barajas, manager Jerry Manuel, and broadcaster Keith Hernandez thought it best to be on the safe side and not make the trip, as did broadcaster Ron Darling. When asked to comment, Darling replied, "Hey, I was born in Hawaii, just like Barack Obama. And look at all the grief that he's been getting. And he's the President!"

With only eight players available, the Mets have decided to go with two outfielders in the series. Two of the four infield positions, as well as catcher, will be fielded by pitchers.

The Diamondbacks will be shorthanded, too, with five of their players having been deported early last month. When asked to comment on the loss of hometown players, Governor Jan "Forcefield" Brewer, quipped, "Well, they are baseball players. I should think they'd have been happy to make it home."

Tonight is "Patriot Night" at Chase Field. The national anthem will be sung by Toby Keith, and all fans fifteen and older will receive a free white hood emblazoned with the Diamondbacks logo. All fans are requested to bring proper documentation to show upon entering the stadium.