(Background: I subscribe to a number of periodicals, and I'm a bit. . . behind in my reading.)
SOL (flipping through the sections of today's New York Times): Hm.
WOS: What?
SOL: Uh. . . nothing.
WOS: What?
SOL: Well. . . Don't judge me, OK?
WOS: OK.
SOL: This is today's New York Times Magazine. (I hold up the magazine, which features a picture of Keira Knightley on the cover.) It's their Hollywood issue: They do this every December.
WOS: OK, so?
SOL: Well, this (holding up a copy of the New York Times Magazine with Brad Pitt on the cover) is the next magazine I have to read.
WOS: But. . .that says "Hollywood Issue," too.
SOL: I know.
WOS: But TODAY's magazine is the Hollywood issue. . .
SOL: Yes.
WOS: So this other one is from. . .a year ago?
SOL: Yes.
WOS: And you haven't read it yet?
SOL: I said don't judge me!
WOS: You really have to get caught up with this! You need to stop reading books! And student papers!
SOL: I know.
WOS: I mean, what'd going to happen when you're 92 and lying on your death bed and you still have, like, a year's worth of magazines to read?
SOL: Well, I guess that just means. . . I can't die!
WOS: No, I don't think that's what it means. . .
SOL: YES! As long as I haven't caught up with my magazine reading, I can never die!
WOS: But. . .
SOL: It's the magazine rack of Dorian Gray!!!
(Pause.)
WOS: . . . What?
Showing posts with label Magazines. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Magazines. Show all posts
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Thursday Trendwatch
SAMSUNG (10) has introduced its latest Galaxy Smartphone. I think I speak for everyone when I say, please stop. Please. How can it be time to upgrade again? What can this phone do that could possibly make it worthwhile for someone to shell out hundreds more dollars for the latest incarnation? Unless the phone allows me to order a pizza and play "Angry Squids" (or whatever) at the same time that I'm listening to the latest "beats" to "drop" from "Lady" "Gaga," all the while sexually servicing me. . . I'll just stick to my flip phone that does little more than allow me to talk to people.
Despite some early promise, it appears that "smell tests" are poor predictors of incipient ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE (9). Scientists have found that a diminishing sense of smell may be associated with Alzheimer's, but the association is not strong enough to be predictive. Meanwhile, despite some early promise, it appears that "smell tests" are poor predictors of incipient ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE (9). Scientists have found that a diminishing sense of smell may be associated with Alzheimer's, but the association is not strong enough to be predictive. (That joke, unlike most Alzheimer's patients, never gets old. Sorry.)
SEN. MARCO RUBIO (8) is mentioned often as a potential vice-presidential pick for Mitt Romney. Bad idea! In a recent interview, the neophyte senator committed a gaffe of epic proportions, perpetuating the most offensive of ethnic stereotypes when he mentioned that, a mere five years ago, his mother, a proud Latina, worked as a "maid." Seriously, Marco: Talk about opening la boca and inserting el . . .uh. . . footo.
A movement to BOYCOTT SPIRIT AIRLINES (7) has been gathering steam on Facebook, since the company refused to refund the $197 airfare of Vietnam vet Jerry Meekins who was ordered by his doctor not to fly as he is dying of esophageal cancer. Bravo, Spirit! That's the. . . uh. . . well, spirit! Who does this Meekins character think he is, anyway, trying to sucker an all-American company like Spirit Airlines? What, he's tough enough to fight Charlie in 'Nam, but he hasn't got the BALLS--or, at any rate, the esophagus--to take a widdle bitty plane flight? Pussy! You go, Spirit!
Sad news from VOGUE MAGAZINE (6). The editors of all 19 editions (?!?) have agreed to stop running photographs of models who are under the age of 16 or who "appear" to have eating disorders. Great! Now what do I have to look forward to every month? Pictures of fat-ass, size-4 19 year olds? Thanks a lot, Anna Wintour!
I frankly don't even understand the next item: SARAH PHILLIPS ESPN (5). From what I can gather, Phillips is a writer who may or may not exist, and who, if she does exist, might be guilty of some sort of crime. The possibly corporeal writer was definitely fired by ESPN, though. So, for those of you who thought never to see existential drama at the network that gave you Chris "Boomer" Berman and the Two-Minute Drill. . . well, there you go.
KATE UPTON (4) is. . . ah, who cares, here's a picture:
In the "news to no one" category comes a report that CNN RATINGS (3) suck. The only bright spot for the venerable broadcaster is that, when disaster strikes, CNN is often the "go-to" network. In other words, CNN benefits from cataclysmic news. . . . Can anyone account for CNN's whereabouts when the Fukushima reactor went kerflooey? Too soon?
LINDA EVANGELISTA (2) is. . . never mind, here's a picture:
(Incidentally, given Vogue's above-mentioned policy eschewing anorexic jailbait, THIS is the kind of atrocity we can look forward to on future covers. Ugh!)
Finally, KELLY RIPA (1) has ruled out her husband, Mark Consuelos, as a permanent co-host for her "Live with Kelly and Not Regis" show. Having apparently exhausted every Hollywood resource, Ripa will continue to audition friends and family members--next up, Ripa's periodontist, Dr. Murray Goldstein. I expect a call to Solipsist Central any day now.
Despite some early promise, it appears that "smell tests" are poor predictors of incipient ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE (9). Scientists have found that a diminishing sense of smell may be associated with Alzheimer's, but the association is not strong enough to be predictive. Meanwhile, despite some early promise, it appears that "smell tests" are poor predictors of incipient ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE (9). Scientists have found that a diminishing sense of smell may be associated with Alzheimer's, but the association is not strong enough to be predictive. (That joke, unlike most Alzheimer's patients, never gets old. Sorry.)
SEN. MARCO RUBIO (8) is mentioned often as a potential vice-presidential pick for Mitt Romney. Bad idea! In a recent interview, the neophyte senator committed a gaffe of epic proportions, perpetuating the most offensive of ethnic stereotypes when he mentioned that, a mere five years ago, his mother, a proud Latina, worked as a "maid." Seriously, Marco: Talk about opening la boca and inserting el . . .uh. . . footo.
A movement to BOYCOTT SPIRIT AIRLINES (7) has been gathering steam on Facebook, since the company refused to refund the $197 airfare of Vietnam vet Jerry Meekins who was ordered by his doctor not to fly as he is dying of esophageal cancer. Bravo, Spirit! That's the. . . uh. . . well, spirit! Who does this Meekins character think he is, anyway, trying to sucker an all-American company like Spirit Airlines? What, he's tough enough to fight Charlie in 'Nam, but he hasn't got the BALLS--or, at any rate, the esophagus--to take a widdle bitty plane flight? Pussy! You go, Spirit!
Sad news from VOGUE MAGAZINE (6). The editors of all 19 editions (?!?) have agreed to stop running photographs of models who are under the age of 16 or who "appear" to have eating disorders. Great! Now what do I have to look forward to every month? Pictures of fat-ass, size-4 19 year olds? Thanks a lot, Anna Wintour!
I frankly don't even understand the next item: SARAH PHILLIPS ESPN (5). From what I can gather, Phillips is a writer who may or may not exist, and who, if she does exist, might be guilty of some sort of crime. The possibly corporeal writer was definitely fired by ESPN, though. So, for those of you who thought never to see existential drama at the network that gave you Chris "Boomer" Berman and the Two-Minute Drill. . . well, there you go.
KATE UPTON (4) is. . . ah, who cares, here's a picture:
In the "news to no one" category comes a report that CNN RATINGS (3) suck. The only bright spot for the venerable broadcaster is that, when disaster strikes, CNN is often the "go-to" network. In other words, CNN benefits from cataclysmic news. . . . Can anyone account for CNN's whereabouts when the Fukushima reactor went kerflooey? Too soon?
LINDA EVANGELISTA (2) is. . . never mind, here's a picture:
Finally, KELLY RIPA (1) has ruled out her husband, Mark Consuelos, as a permanent co-host for her "Live with Kelly and Not Regis" show. Having apparently exhausted every Hollywood resource, Ripa will continue to audition friends and family members--next up, Ripa's periodontist, Dr. Murray Goldstein. I expect a call to Solipsist Central any day now.
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