Conspiracy Theory

This is Bernard Madoff, the man behind one of the biggest financial frauds in history:



This is "Sonja Kohn," an Austrian banker who originally portrayed herself as one of Madoff's victims, but who is now being sued as one of his biggest accomplices:


Again, Bernard Madoff:

"Sonja Kohn," a "self-made woman," according to The New York Times:


I'm sorry, are we the only one who sees this?

(Image of Madoff from wikipedia.org; image of "Sonja Kohn" from The New York Times)

Scenes from Grading

Yesterday and today, our students took a final writing exam. Today, the Solipsist, along with several of his colleagues, sat around for about three hours reading them. Herewith, a few highlights.

One of the writing prompts asked students to write an essay discussing some of the challenges faced by people living in poverty. One student wrote (we paraphrase slightly):

"It always makes me want to cry when I see those TV commercials with children hungry and starving. It makes me feel very sorry for them. Then I change the channel."

The other prompt asked students to think about a specific goal they have and to discuss the steps needed to achieve that goal. One of our colleagues made the following observation:

"I find it a little disturbing that so many people who want to be doctors can't spell the word 'career.'"

Another student wrote that, to achieve her goal, one of the steps she needed to take was to "believe in myself."

We know how she feels. The Solipsist often has difficulty believing in himself. Every morning, we have to go up to a cat and go "BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA." When the cat runs away, we feel a great sense of relief.

Grammar by Elvis

"Bentley said to Craig, 'Let him have it Chris.'
They still don't know today what he meant by this."

So begins Elvis Costello's "Let Him Dangle." The song, from the CD "Spike," tells the story of Eric Bentley and Chris Craig. Some years back, these two murdered a man named Sidney Miles--specifically, Craig killed Miles, following Bentley's command, cited above. At his trial, though, Bentley. who had already been placed under arrest at moment of the shooting, claimed that, when he said, "Let him have it," he meant, "Give him the gun. Surrender." The jury didn't buy that story, though: They found Bentley guilty of murder, and he was subsequently executed.

We cite the above story and its lyrical interpretation when we explain to our students the importance of unambiguous pronouns. It's not just good grammar; it could be a matter of life and death.

Medical Alert

An epidemic is sweeping Hollywood. It strikes actresses in their prime--and in their prime parts--at a time when they should have nothing to do but lay back, relax, and collect residuals. We refer, of course, to "Bloobs": the tendency of women's chestal areas to become inexplicably blurry after they appear on basic cable.

While the cause of this condition is unknown--we suspect the FCC released a virus into the water supply of various studios--the truly alarming fact is that the condition has spread from the rarefied world of the Hollywood starlet to the general population of anonymous women who go topless on the internet:

Not only this, but we have heard rumors that the virus has mutated. We have heard about reported cases of a similar condition, which has come to be called, "Blutts." We fear that "Blenis" can not be far behind.

Nation, we need to fight this scourge. Please, don't fall victim to "Bloobs." Doctors encourage people to perform regular self-checks and, should you find yourself getting soft around the edges, vigorous isometric exercises have proven successful in warding off Full-Blown Bloobs.

(Solipsist's Note: WOS coined the term "Bloobs" and "Blutts." We wanted to call the condition "Buzzkill" ourselves, but we were outvoted.)

(Image from dailymotion.com)

Social Insecurity Numbers

It pleases us greatly to see that the United States Army, the world's premier fighting force, has finally caught up with our local community college district. We figured out years ago that using a social security number for student identification was a bad idea. Students were subsequently assigned a seven-digit ID, which put at least a little more distance between them and fraudulent Nigerian princes who would part them from their money. Today we read that the army has recognized that social security numbers are dangerously insecure identifiers for military personnel. Wasting no time, the Defense Department has decreed that this will not stand! New identification numbers will be issued to al soldiers. . . by next May.

Sigh.

In the meantime, we invite service members to take the Solipsist's Facebook Fun Quiz, and feel free to supply your military ID.

Lowering the Bar

The Gulf Cup, a two-week soccer tournament just concluded in Yemen. The event is being hailed as a smashing success, primarily because no one was killed.

Seriously, according to the New York Times, people were so concerned about the seeming inevitability of disruptive terrorist strikes that they were literally preparing their wills before traveling to the tournament. Which raises the obvious question: If you need to prepare your will before heading to a soccer tournament, wouldn't you rather just stay home and watch the thing on TV?

We've all heard the pilot's maxim that any landing you can walk away from is a good one. We get that, but we still don't imagine that pilots brag about not crashing the plane.

Wikileaks: The Rest

Over the past week, the New York Times has run stories about the troves of diplomatic cables leaked by Wikileaks.org. We can't help but notice, however, that the Times has shown a clear bias in their reporting, focusing exclusively on cables related to countries like China, Iraq, the Koreas, Afghanistan, Yemen--you know, "interesting" countries. Relatively nothing has come from the diplomatic outposts of our less intransigent or confrontational neighbors in the community of nations.


Fear not, though, the Solipsist has gained access to these most sensitive of reports from our least sensitive of embassies. Herewith, a sampling.


Sometimes, foreign-service officers let their feelings get the best of them, as we see in this cable from a mid-level staffer in the US consulate in Paris:


March 2008: Attended a gala at the Presidential Palace last night. Could not help but notice that Carla Bruni-Sarkozy is FREAKIN HOTTTTTT!!!!!! I'm not talking "hot-for-a-First-Lady" hot, like Hilary [REDACTED] or Lady Bird [REDACTED]: I'm talking supermodel, leave-your-wife-for hot! I mean, if she weren't shacking up with, y'know, the POF [President of France] I would TOTALLY hit that. I'd be on her like flies on camembert. . . .




A somewhat common malady among longtime diplomats is "Graham Greene Syndrome." The most prominent sign of infection: a tendency of those stationed even in the least exotic postings to write world-weary reports in overly florid language. Consider this report from the director of the passport office in El Paso, TX:


June. . . June. . . I've forgotten the date. The days blur together like water lilies in a post-impresssionist painting. I look at the memo pad on my desk. It's actually May 17. Nelson comes into my office. He barely suppresses a sardonic grin as he hands me the stack of G-318's to sign off on. I picture him with Elise, on the porch of my house, sipping gin and tonic and thinking that they're getting away with something. It takes all my will to convince myself that I care.


Outside my office window, a blood red sun sets blindingly over the parking lot. The kids at the Jack in the Box across 17th Street move like phantoms behind the tinted glass. The constant stream of cars on the freeway sounds like nothing so much as a mass of automobiles streaming along miles of asphalt.


I processed only 17 H-19 (x)'s today. Down from 19 yesterday, but more than the 16 I did on Monday. As I pick up my jacket and head out for the night, I wonder if the world--my world--will still be here tomorrow, as it was today, as it might be for many days to come.


Other signs include increasing paranoia:


October 13, 2009: Lunch with the Canadian Minister of Travel and Tourism today. He was pleasant--too pleasant. He asked if we would be willing to help promote "Saskatchewan-a-thon," a nineteen-day festival of all things Saskatchewanee. I couldn't help but notice that he kept trying to make eye contact with the waiter--even after the waiter had filled his water glass. Obviously a spy.


Saskatchewan-a-thon is clearly nothing more than a pretext for a full-scale invasion. We should fortify the border, particularly in those states that lie near this supposed "Saskatchewan." A pre-emptive strike at the Canadian capitol--wherever that is--should be considered.


Finally, some leaked memoranda reveal embarrassing oversights in State Department programs:


February 13, 2009

TO: Secretary of State Hilary Rodham Clinton
FROM: [REDACTED]
RE: Hawaii


Regarding the staff meeting of February 7: After careful review, my staff and I have confirmed that you were right: Hawaii IS, in fact, a part of the United States. Preparations for closing the embassy have commenced.

(Image from Wikipedia)