National Boredom Association

I suppose, as a sports fan, I should be happy that NBA team owners and players have reached a tentative deal to end their lockout and avoid canceling an entire season.  The National Hockey League canceled an entire season several years ago, and they still haven't regained the dozens of fans they had before that labor dispute.  I'd hate to see basketball become just so much hockey.

At the same time, I find it hard to get overly excited about the coming season.  Maybe this is just a side effect of being a Knicks fan.  But maybe not.  I'd like to say my lack of enthusiasm stems from the fact that, as part of the 99%, I got turned off by squabbles between a bunch of multi-millionaire players and billionaire owners who shut down their industry because they couldn't reach agreement on how to divide an enormous pie.  Adding insult to injury, the ultimate agreement essentially calls for owners and players to split league revenues fifty-fifty: a big pay cut for the players (who previously earned about 57% of revenue), but in the end the kind of incredibly simple solution that a grade-school student could have come up with months ago.

I'd like to say that's why I'm unenthusiastic, but I don't think that's it, either.

I think what I'm feeling stems from a fact that I'm only now coming to realize: Most regular-season basketball games are, frankly, dull as dirt.  Many of the games are complete mismatches--say, the Miami Heat against the Cleveland Cavaliers, or the Cleveland Cavaliers against absolutely anybody.  And even games between two competitive teams are essentially just back and forth affairs that don't really become interesting until the final five minutes or so.  And the season just drags on forever--66 games in this thankfully shortened season but 82 games in a normal year--so that any one game really doesn't matter all that much.

I suppose if my Knicks find themselves competitive, my apathy may dissipate.  Otherwise, just wake me for the playoffs.

Black and Blue

Yesterday morning, I ran to the store to buy milk and cat food (we were out of cereal).  On my way home, I passed Best Buy.  In front of the store were some temporary barricades, and behind the barricades were. . . tents.  A new front in the "Occupy" movement, perhaps?  Sadly, no.  Just people lining up early for the big deals on Black Friday.

When I was a child, I remember asking someone--I think it was DOS--in all sincerity whether stores were open the day after Thanksgiving.  I guess I figured, since I had no school, maybe everything was closed.  Anyway, DOS informed me that, not only were stores open, but the day after Thanksgiving was probably the biggest shopping day of the year.  I don't recall whether he used the term "Black Friday" or not; the phrase wasn't so commonly circulated back then.  At some point, I learned that the day earned its nickname from the fact that this was the day on which stores got "into the black" (and "out of the red") for the year.

I'm honestly not sure when "Black Friday" became a common meme, a regular fixture on the national calendar.  I realized this year, though, that many people discussed Black Friday as if it were an actual, official holiday.  Like, "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?  Where are you going for Black Friday?"  If as many people celebrated Arbor Day, we'd probably go a long way toward solving the world's environmental crisis.

I tell myself those people camped out in front of Best Buy must be enjoying themselves because otherwise there is truly no rational explanation for their behavior.  I saw in the paper that one of the mega deals being offered was a $500 HDTV for $200.  A hefty savings, sure.  But assume these people got to the "campsite" at, say, 9:00 AM (a highly conservative estimate) and would be on line 'til the doors opened at, say, 10:00 PM (again, a conservative estimate); that means people were "earning" a bit less than $25 an hour for their "labor" (the $300 savings divided by 13 hours).  $25 an hour is not a bad wage, but remember, the estimates of the time spent on line are conservative: Most people probably earned a much lower "hourly wage."  And even those at the higher end of the "payscale" are simply working for the privilege of handing over $200 to a major retailer.

OK, for some families, the opportunity to miss the drama around the Thanksgiving dinner table is a reward in and of itself--but you don't need to patronize Best Buy to receive it!

Maybe some of the nation's "Occupiers" should move their own tents in front of Best Buy and Macy's and Wal-Mart and have a discussion with their fellow campers.

Thursday Trendwatch

Among the things the Solipsist is thankful for today, I am thankful that I am not in Maryland.  Not only because, you know, it's in Maryland, but also because, if I were there, I might have significant trouble getting my Social Security DISABILITY BENEFITS (10).  Marylanders are reporting long delays in receiving approval for these vital payments, and, with disability claims soaring by about 30%, there is no relief in sight.  And if the rate of disability among Marylanders has gone up by 30%, that suggests yet another reason to be thankful I am far, far away.

I am also thankful for the GIFT BASKETS (9) I am sure to receive from my adoring fans.  Godiva Chocolates, Hickory Farms meats and cheese, Beers of the world--really, anything is fine.  In fact, to save yourselves some trouble, you could always send me a gift basket filled with gift baskets.

If you're shopping for a teenager, though, you should consider buying a gift basket filled with SMARTPHONES (8) and "minutes."  A new report finds that teens would rather receive a smartphone than a new car.  This suggests something that I have long suspected: Teenagers are idiots.

Speaking of idiots, if you believed that the ALIEN SKULL (7) unearthed in Peru belonged to an actual, um, alien, you were wrong.  (Sorry.  Here, have a smartphone.)

The headline on this article reads "Alien Skull in Peru Almost Definitely a Hoax of Some Description."  Love the "almost."

Maybe the alien skull is actually just an aborted Muppet.  We could always ask AMY ADAMS (6) who co-stars in this weekend's big release, "Yet Another Muppet Movie" (that may not be the actual title).  She plays "the human."

Thanksgiving is a day when we give thanks and look back to a simpler time before we cared about such things as electricity or the rights of native peoples.  So it stands to reason that today's trendwatch should contain a feature on CLEAN ENERGY (5).  Turns out that using renewable energy resources like wind and solar may not only be good policy but good politics--and better for the planet.  There must be a catch.

Next on the trendwatch, NATALIE WOOD (4) is still dead.  The captain of the ship she was sailing on when she drowned has come forward to say that he suspects her husband, Robert Wagner, had something to do with her death.  I didn't know that she was on the ship with Wagner and Christopher Walken.  This makes me think that maybe her death wasn't accidental: Lord knows, I'd consider jumping into open water to escape whatever those two might have thought up.

Natalie Wood's obvious heir, of course, is MILEY CYRUS (3), who spent Tuesday night partying like she was 19--which she was.  Happy birthday, Hannah Montana!  Stay away from Robert Wagner's yacht!

KARINA SMIRNOFF (2) has a lot to be thankful for today, too.  The vodka heiress won the celebrity competition "Dancing with the Stars" the other night, and--  What?  She's not related to the vodka?  Oh, so. . . what makes her a "Star"?  Oooh, she's the PROFESSIONAL DANCER part of the couple.  Her "Star" is J. R. Martinez.  I get it.

Now, who the hell is J. R. Martinez?

Finally, SARAH PALIN (1) and family are no doubt thankful today for the efforts of Knoxville, TN, prosecutors, who gained a conviction against David Kernell for hacking into Caribou Barbie's e-mail.  But thinking about Sarah Palin should make us all thankful for a couple of other things, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

Happy holidays, everybody!

The Quest for the Perfect Sentence (Continued)

Just a brief pre-Thanksgiving post.

From a student essay:

"If you join the military, you risk having to kill people or getting killed yourself and then having to live with that."

Unjustified

I've watched a few different videos of the UC Davis pepper-spray incident.  In case you've missed it, a number of protesters at the college, inspired by both the nationwide "Occupy" movement and the ever-increasing tuition at California state schools, staged a sit-in.  They were confronted by campus police, one of whom (as the video shows) strolled along the line of seated students, pepper-spraying them casually as if he were freshening his living room with Febreze.

For the record, I like the police.  I respect the police.  I think police officers do a difficult and often dangerous job, and any time I have had to deal with police, I have found them helpful and considerate.  So I want to give the police the benefit of the doubt when possible.  And I am sure that the police officers involved in this incident will offer some kind of justification for their actions.  But watching the various videos, I can see none.

For me, the most distasteful moment comes early on, as the officer triumphantly brandishes the can of pepper spray before the crowd.  Perhaps he is warning the seated students about what's about to happen, but, if so, why isn't he facing them?  Instead, he appears to be addressing the watching crowd.  The way he waves the can around reminds one of nothing so much as a magician showing the audience that he's picked the correct card.  There is something so stylized in the motion, and then so casual about the way he walks down his row of victims, that it looks as though the policeman is performing--like this is some big moment for which he's rehearsed.

What's also striking is the sheer arrogance of the police.  It was shocking when the video of policemen clubbing Rodney King surfaced: It was sheer luck (if that's the right word) that a witness with a camera happened to be in position to capture the action.  But in Friday's incident, the police could see cameras all around--both professional caliber video gear and ubiquitous cell phones recording every wretched moment.

One wonders if the police will use the very fact of the cameras' obvious presence as a defense: Of course we were justified!  How stupid would we have to be to pepper-spray helpless students--unprovoked--when we know there are cameras everywhere?

How stupid indeed?

Monday Miscellany

From the "Way-Too-Much-Time-on-Their-Hands" Department: Some folks in Arizona have launched a campaign to name the chimichanga the state's "official food."  We suspect that this will come to pass.  And immediately after being named the official food, the chimichanga will be asked for its papers and deported.

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"WASHINGTON — The summons from the president came without warning the Thursday before Labor Day. As she was driven the four blocks to the White House, Lisa P. Jackson, the administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, suspected that the news would not be good. What she did not see coming was a rare public rebuke the president was about to deliver by rejecting her proposal to tighten the national standard for smog." ("Re-Election Strategy Is Tied to a Shift on Smog")

Is anyone else troubled by the fact that the head of the Environmental Protection Agency "was driven the four blocks to the White House"?  The woman couldn't have walked?

Silly Afghans! Triskadekaphobia Is for Kids!

Regular readers of this blog know that the writer of this blog is a regular reader of The New York Times.  Despite the parlous state of newspaper journalism, the Times remains the paper of record not only for New York, but for the nation as a whole.  Still, every once in a while, an editorial oversight so glaring occurs that the Solipsist has to step in and fix things.  And so it was today.

In an article about a recent loya jirga in Afghanistan by Rod Nordland, the following factoid appeared:

"Even before the delegates, divided into 40 working committees, began to take up the jirga’s main issues on Wednesday, there was the thorny matter of Committee 39.

In recent years, Afghans have come to strongly associate that number with pimps, considered the absolute dregs of Afghan society. Most Afghans are so touchy about it that they won’t buy a car with 39 on the license plate, or even use a telephone number with those digits in it."

Now, the jirga simply adopted the strategy--long practiced by elevator-designers in more-than-thirteen-floored buildings--of skipping the offending number, thus making committee #39 into committee #41.

(DIGRESSION: Technically, comittee #39 should have become committee #40, and committee #40 should have become committee #41, but this is Afghanistan we're talking about; any solution that avoids the beheading of a goat is something to be thankful for. EOD)

But, come on Nordland!  How can you provide us with this delightful--yet essentially meaningless--tidbit without explaining where this superstition comes from?

Don't worry, Nation.  The Solipsist is on the case.  According to a few different sources, the precise origin of the superstition is unclear.  Several sites, however, suggest that there was, in fact, a pimp nicknamed '39' because the number appeared on his license plate and was also his apartment number.  Another reliable source (OK, Wikipedia) suggests that the number 39 translates into 'morda-gow,' which is a slang term for 'pimp.'

Just to throw my own meaningless interpretation into the mix: '39' is three times 13, the only TRULY unlucky number.

Now, was that so hard?

(NOTE: I know the post title isn't exactly relevant, but I couldn't resust.)