TRENDS!!!

Back despite lack of popular demand, it's the Thursday Trendwatch!  Let's see what people are looking at on Yahoo! today! 

(Yeah, I know, I tried doing this a few weeks back with Twitter's trending topics, but that was boring: Just a bunch of TV shows that people were talking about.  I'm hoping Yahoo! will provide a more eclectic mix of things to riff on.)

10: Luka Doncic

Why he's trending: NBA fans now Doncic as the 22-year-old wunderkind (or whatver's Slovenian for "wunderkind") of the Dallas Mavericks.  After only a few years in the league, he's blossomed into a perennial MVP candidate, and he's in the news today thanks to his participation in the Olympics as a member of the Slovenian national team. . . that just lost to France. FRANCE!  That's almost as embarrassing as losing to the Knicks!

9: Doris Duke

Why she's trending: After Luka Doncic made his unceremonious exit from the Olympics, the disturbingly tall and long-dead heiress took the silver medal in the women's shot put. . . OK, seriously, though: Doris Duke's killing of a gay man in Newport, Rhode Island. in 1966 was long ruled an accidental homicide.  Recently, though, it's been conclusively established that Duke intentionally murdered her erstwhile friend.  Yet more proof of the deadly effects of tobacco.

8. NFL Tickets

Why they're trending: . . . ? Because, football?

7. Prostate Cancer Treatment

Why it's trending: I can only assume that it has something to do with the demographic profile of users of Yahoo! being middle-aged men with questionable health practices. . . .Considering who's reporting on their current trend list, I can't really take issue with this.

6. Jennifer Aniston

Why she's trending: There seem to be a few things going on with "Morning Show" star and famous haircut, Jennifer Aniston. She apparently has a "TikTok doppelganger" that has gone viral. She announced recently that she has cut people out of her life over their continued propagation of Covid-19 disinformation. But perhaps most importantly, her favorite underwear, the Hanky Panky thong, may soon disappear from the shelves of Nordstrom's.  America mourns with her.

5: The Hoshizaki Ice Machine

Why it's trending: Because when you need ice, you need Hoshizaki!

4. Nina Dobrev

Why she's trending: Because she "shows off toned abs in red bikini."  I mean, I'm all for this kind thing, but I note a clear double-standard.  Nobody ever seems interested when I show off my abs in a red bikini.  And lord knows I show them off often enough!

3. Elizabeth Holmes

Why she's trending: Holmes was an executive with Theranos, a biotech company that claimed revolutionary diagnostic capabilities, like the capacity to diagnose all manner of illnesses from just a single drop of blood.  It was astounding!  It was world-changing! It was bullshit! And now Holmes faces criminal charges for fraud.  When she does go on trial, it has been decided that patients who received "erroneous" test results will be allowed to testify against her.  Too bad for Holmes that Doris Duke isn't around to bump off some of the peskier witnesses.

2. Carli Lloyd

Why she's trending: She, along with teammate Megan Rapinoe, scored two goals in today's Olympic match against Australia to clinch the bronze medal for Team USA.  At least they didn't lose to France!

And the number one trending topic today is.. . . 

1. Tana Mongeau

Why she's trending: She's a YouTuber who apparently needs a belt.

. . .I tell ya, folks.  Trends ain't quite what they used to be.

Thursday Trendwatch--Tuesday Edition

All right, back despite popular lack of demand, it's the Yahoo! Trendwatch.  I know it's been a while, but I'm sure we could all use a little bit of levity.  Let's see what whimsical topics are "Trending Now" for all of us to share a good laugh about!

10. PERU EARTHQUAKE: Seriously?  Well, OK, maybe it's not exactly "whimsical," but at least no one died!  (No one died, right?  Right?!?  OK, good.)  The U.S. Geological Survey--which you've gotta figure just lives for this shit--measured the earthquake at 4.6 on the Richter Scale, whereas the Peruvian geological survey (which apparently can't even afford capital letters) measured it at 4.6.  But I think that's metric.

9. CAMBODIAN LOST CITY:  It wasn't lost in the earthquake, was it?!?  No?  OK, good.  The city, located near Angkor, is called Mahendraparvata.  How people know what it is called despite its having been "lost" all this time is beyond my capacities to understand.

8. FIRED RADIO HOSTS: PleasesayRushLimbaugh. . . PleasesayRushLimbaugh. . . . PleasesayRushLimbaugh. . . . Oh, that's too bad.  The radio hosts in question, Nick Cellini, Steven ("Steak") Shapiro, and Chris (I don't know, let's say, "Tungsten") Dimino, comprise the cast of 790 the Zone's "Mayhem in the AM" (Atlanta) radio show.  They were fired after conducting a fake interview with former football player Steve Gleason, who is paralyzed as a result of ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).  The interview was filled with tasteless jokes: One of the co-hosts, for example, pretending to be Gleason and speaking with a computerized voice, asked if the hosts could, as a favor, "smother him."  OK, I admit, I kind of chuckled.  Tasteless though it undoubtedly is, I find it somewhat hypocritical for a radio station to fire shock jocks--I can't imagine that a show called "Mayhem in the AM" is known for its erudite discussions on the late works of John Updike--for being shocking.

7. PET FOOD RECALL: The Natura Company is recalling all pet food products made before last week.  This includes foods for cats, dogs, and ferrets.  Wait. . . . No, sorry, just ferret food--which would then be metabolized by the cats and dogs that eat the ferrets.

6. SHARK ATTACKS AT SURFSIDE: A 15-year-old boy was attacked while wading in waist-high water at Surfside Beach on the Gulf Coast of Texas.  According to the report, "The boy was bitten on his lower left leg, and then the teen started beating it." Why the teen felt that beating his lower left leg was an appropriate response to a shark bite is unknown.  Must be a Texas thing.

5. GREG LOUGANIS: The four-time Olympic Gold Medalist is getting married to. . . let's see. . . Johnny Chaillot.  But. . . but.. .  THAT'S A MAN!

The greatest athlete in the history of American diving is gay?!?  Well, I guess he always did show a marked enthusiasm for going down.  BWAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!  BWAAAAA-HA-HA! BWAA. . . Ah, shut up.

4. MAN OF STEEL: More about Greg Louganis?  Oh, no, the movie.  It has set the record for the biggest June opening in box-office history.  No doubt this record will last forever!  Or, perhaps until next June.  (By the way, why do we care?)

3. WATERMELON OREOS: Because what could be more refreshing on a hot summer day than to bite into a crisp piece of watermelon. . . cookie? 

(WOS: So is it juicy?

SOL: No, it's like an Oreo--except they use vanilla wafers. And watermelon flavored filling

WOS: So, it's not like Oreo crème?

SOL: Well, it is. . . I mean, it's that kind of crème, but it's lightly watermelon flavored.  And it's dyed pink and green.

WOS: What?  Why don't they just dye it pink?

SOL: Well, because they wanted it to look like watermelon.

WOS: But you don't eat the green part!

SOL: True. I guess they should have used a pink filling and dyed the cookie parts green.

WOS: Yeah. . .  But then of course you'd still be eating the green part that nobody actually eats.

SOL: Right.  Nobody eats the green part of the watermelon. . . .

WOS: . . .  You eat the green part of the watermelon, don't you?

SOL: No.

WOS: You do.

SOL: Maybe.

WOS: [Sigh.]

SOL: I LIKE THE CRUNCHY!)

2. O. J. SIMPSON: It was 19 years ago today that O. J. Simpson led Los Angeles police on a low-speed highway chase while sort of fleeing arrest for the murder of his ex-wife Nicole Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman.  The 19th anniversary is traditionally the bronze anniversary, so if you're thinking gifts, perhaps a bronzed pair of gloves or some sort of cutlery?  I don't know whether the Simpson chase qualifies as one of those iconic "Where were you when. . . " moments, but I will never forget where I was: In a sports bar in New York, surrounded by a mob of people who just desperately--desperately--wanted NBC to go back to showing the GOD-DAMNED KNICKS-ROCKETS GAME!  It was the FINALS, for fuck's sake!

And the number one top-trending topic for today is. . . .

1. DAVE CHAPPELLE: The mercurial comedian, who practically dropped off the face of the earth several years ago, is making a comeback and preparing to go on tour.  Good for him.  I don't really have a joke for this.  I mean, Dave Chappelle is nothing like the comedy gold that a Peruvian earthquake is!  Good thing I'm not a drive-time radio host.

Thursday Trendwatch, Veterans' Day Edition

10. TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSE
Why it's trending: As FOS used to say, I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count. . . . Right! A solar eclipse is on the way.  Tuesday, at 12:30 PM Pacific, our old pal the sun will find itself completely occluded by the moon.  Chances are, unless you're a dolphin, you won't see it live, as the path of coolness (official astronomical term, by the way) lies mostly over the Pacific.  Perhaps more interesting: Apparently, total solar eclipses look just like big blocks of cheddar cheese:



 



9. MIKE LEACH
Why he's trending: The Washington State football coach has denied abusing his players.The accusations came from Leach's star receiver, Marques Wilson, who spoke of physical and verbal abuse, but declined to provide specifics.  When pressed, Leach acknowledged that practices could get a little rough, but that all players could at any time invoke the "safe word" ('diphthong').

8. DENISE RICHARDS
Why she's trending: In an effort to "do her part" after Hurricane Sandy, she adopted a puppy.  Why she chose to adopt a puppy from Nebraske, I have no idea.

No, no, no: The puppy was from Long Island, and the celebrity wanted to promote animal adoptions, especially of pets displaced by the storm (I think Richards is the one on the right).  Thousands of Staten Islanders who still have only sporadic electricity service applauded Richards' selflessness.

7. DEREK DOOLEY
Why he's trending: Wasn't that the name of Mark Wahlberg's character from "Boogie Nights"?  Anyway, Dooley is the football coach at the University of Tennessee, and he might or might not be on the verge of getting fired.  If he IS fired, though, I think he should move to Canada and become a Mountie.  He's got the perfect name for it.

6. KAT VON D
Why she's trending: Apparently, she and something called "Deadmau5" are no longer dating.  I wonder if she had tattooed--I'll say "his"--name on her--I'll say arm.

5. ASTHMA
Why it's trending: A Danish study has linked acetaminophen (Tylenol) use in infancy to the development of asthma in pre-schoolers.  In other news, a study sponsored by Tylenol has linked the intake of Danish to being fat.
4. MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
Why it's trending: Because it would be stupid for it to be trending on Thursday!  Tonight's game features the Kansas City Chiefs against the Pittsburgh Steelers.  To be sporting, the Steelers have agreed to play with only nine men on defense.  They are still 19 point favorites.

3. FIRST NFL TIE SINCE 2008
Why it's trending: Yesterday, the San Francisco 49ers played the St. Louis Rams to a 24-24 tie.  For those not familiar with NFL rules: In a regular-season game, if neither team is ahead after one overtime period, the game officially ends in a tie.  As you can see, this happens quite rarely.  I suppose a team would rather have a tie than suffer a loss.  Frankly, though, if I had gone to that game and paid good money, I'd want a refund.  Look, if I want to see something with an indeterminate endings, I'll just stay home and watch DVD's of  "Lost."

2. MCAFEE MURDER
Why it's trending: John McAfee--of antivirus software fame--is being sought for questioning by police in Belize in connection with the death of McAfee's neighbor, Gregory Viant Faull.  Faull was found dead of a gunshot wound to the head this weekend.  McAfee is described as a "person of interest," not a suspect.  Rumors of extensive high-fiving at Norton are unconfirmed.
And the top-trending story at this moment on the space-time continuum. . .

1. TEXAS SECESSION
Why it's trending: Over 25,000 people have signed a petition requesting that Texas be allowed to "peacefully secede" from the United States.  No word on what percentage of those signatures came from outside Texas.

Thursday Trendwatch (Saturday Edition)

10. ROBOT SURGERY
Why it's trending: According to a headline on Foxnews.com (and I can only imagine what kind of sinister GOP cookies just got embedded in my computer when I went to THAT site), "Questions remain on value of robot prostate surgery."  I didn't even realize robots had prostates!

9. MITT ROMNEY
Why he's trending: I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count.  Specifically, though, the Mittster has affirmed that, if elected, he "will not take God out of the name of our party platform."  The Democrats, of course, first removed and then reinstated the Almighty in their party platform, a non-story that Republicans predictably milked for all it was worth.  I was unaware that God appeared in the "name" of the Republican party platform, which is actually titled "Republican Platform: We Believe in America."  Perhaps it's in a special font that only Republicans can see?  Or did Mitt just have dyslexic moment when he saw the letters "GOP"?  Which don't appear in the name of the platform, either, but what are you gonna do?

Asked for comment, Yahweh replied, "I'd appreciate if everyone could leave me out of it.  I stopped following politics after the dissolution of the Whig party."

8. CLINT EASTWOOD
Why he's trending: Why do you think?  Personally, I had no problem with Clint's rambling interview with the invisible POTUS at the RNC.  I did think it was a little tacky to wrap up with, "And remember, 'Trouble with the Curve' opens on September 7. Peace out!"

7. COCA-COLA FLAVOR DROPS
Why it's trending: Technically, what's trending is "Dasani drops," a soon-to-be-introduced water-enhancer from the Coca-Cola Company.  Added to water, the drops turn boring H2O into a fruity, refreshing treat.  One word of caution: Do NOT  drink undiluted Dasani drops: Stuff's like uncut heroin.

6. KIM ZOLCIAK
Why she's trending: Because she just gave birth a few weeks ago, and CHECK. HER. OUT!

Now I just need someone to tell me who the balls Kim Zolciak is!

5. GOLD MINING
Why it's trending: With the weak jobs report, and speculation that the Federal Reserve will take further action to stimulate the economy (and thus potentially cause inflation to rise), end-timers and other survivalist types will flock to gold as a safe financial harbor.  Only a churl would point out that the value of gold is exactly as arbitrary as that of fiat currency like the American dollar, and I am not a churl.  Still, I recommend like-minded citizens join me in an internet movement to transfer the symbolic value of gold onto a more accessible medium.  Dasani drops, perhaps.

4. AMY POEHLER
Why she's trending: She and husband Will Arnett are splitting up after nine years of marriage.  I didn't know they were a couple.  Must have been a lot of fun around the dinner table. Or maybe not.  They are splitting up, after all.

3. KHLOE KARDASHIAN
Why she's trending: After completing a mini-marathon to help raise money for Medecins san Frontieres (Doctors without Borders), the reality-TV star and respected medieval scholar joined MSF volunteers on a trip to Nicaragua, where over 100 children received free cleft-palate surgeries.  She also dined with President Daniel Ortega and his cabinet and discussed opportunities to subsidize tenant farmers in the country's interi--  Nah, I'm just messing with you: She's a finalist for the "X Factor" hosting gig.

2. MICHELLE OBAMA NAIL POLISH
Why it's trending: Style-obsessed Americans have been buzzing for days about the nail polish that First Lady Michelle Obama wore the other night at the DNC.  Now, it can be told: The striking color, "Vogue," was created by extracting stem cells from aborted fetuses.  It's true!  That's what Rush Limbaugh said, anyway.

And the number-one trending topic at this moment on the space-time continuum is. . . .

1. JENNIFER GRANHOLM
Why she's trending: The former governor of Michigan gave a fiery speech at the Democratic National Convention, blasting Mitt Romney for opposing President Obama's plan to save General Motors.  Too bad she can't run for President: She was born in Canada.  I mean, I obviously have no fundamental objection to a foreign-born President, but Canada?  I have to draw the line somewhere.

Thursday Trendwatch (Friday Edition)

So, let's see what people are talking, texting, and twittering about today:

10. DOGSHAMING
Why it's trending: Either harmless fun or a "sick online trend," depending on which website you link to, dogshaming is--well, pretty obviously, it's the "shaming" of man's best friend: The shaming in question takes the form of photographs shared on social websites--pictures capturing family pets caught in the act of inappropriate behavior.  I'm not sure how effective this would be in most households, because most people I know don't let their dogs surf the web--oh, and also because, THEY'RE DOGS!  How much shame can reasonably be felt by creatures whose preferred mode of introduction is butt-sniffing?

9. AMAZON SMARTPHONE
Why it's trending: I guess because people are basically pathetic sheep ever always to fall prey to savvy marketers who will convince them they simply must have the latest upgrade to replace the perfectly fine piece of technology they already own (and probably just bought).  Amazon's entry to the smartphone market is rumored to be launching in early September.

8. CLINICAL TRIALS
Why it's trending: In November, the city of Atlanta will host the first "Clinical Trials in Georgia" conference.  With any luck, this conference will prove more successful than last year's "Clinical Trials in Wisconsin" conference.  Milwaukee authorities say they are still not close to containing the mutant-squid outbreak.

7. SERENA WILLIAMS
Why she's trending: The other night, she appeared on Letterman wearing a skintight red dress.

Yowza!  She can double-fault me any time she likes!  (I have no idea what that means.)

6. CELINE DION PHOTO SHOOT
Why it's trending: I think the headline says it all, "Celine Dion Photo Shoot Involves Nudity, Stuffed Animals."  I don't think I can improve on that.

5. MAYAN COLLAPSE
Why it's trending: Scientists have determined that drought and deforestation most likely led to the collapse of Mayan civilization.  Personally, I think the fact that they insisted on stitching teddy bears to their pants probably had more to do with it.

4. KHLOE KARDASHIAN
Why she's trending: Having recently completed a tour of sub-Saharan Africa, where she met with local leaders to discuss ways of modernizing the region's water delivery systems, Kardashian held a press conference today to draw attention to public-health infrastructure problems here in the United States.  "We can no longer afford to turn a blind eye to the growing threats posed by substandard infection-control processes at our nation's hospitals, doctor's offices, and nursing homes," Kardashian said.  She then introduced Bill and Melinda Gates, with whom she will partner to establish a non-profit organization to--

Nah, I'm just messing with you: She went to Rite-Aid without wearing make-up.  No, really, that's why she's trending.

3. TERRELL OWENS
Why he's trending: The Kardashian of the NFL, Owens may have already worn out his welcome with the Seattle Seahawks, his 18th professional football team.  In fairness, he's been with the team for nearly a week, thus confounding the expectations of his doubters by a good seven days.

2. TEEN SUES BURGER KING
Why it's trending: Ashanti McShan is suing Burger King for religious discrimination.  When she came to her orientation wearing a long skirt--as required by her Pentecostal religion--instead of black pants--as required by the high holy men of the fast-food franchise--the manager told her to leave.  I'm not entirely certain about the law here: Burger King is a private corporation and would seem able to hire whomever it wants, but at the same time, McShan claims she was told at her interview that her religiously mandated attire would be no problem.

Ultimately, I hope the restaurant prevails.  After all, when I go to Burger King, I'm not just going for the "food"!  I'm going for the complete experience!  Plastic chairs!  Flourescent lighting! And, by God!, ebon-slacked employees!

1. VIVIENNE JOLIE-PITT
Why she's trending: The 4-year-old daughter of Brangelina will make her acting debut opposite her mom in "Maleficent," a live-action version of Sleeping Beauty.  I guess Honey Boo Boo was unavailable.

Where's the Outrage?!?

Oh.  My. God!  Did you hear about Prince Harry?

You haven't?!?  Oh, man, it's awful!  He was partying with this girl!  Naked!  And there are pictures!!!

What?  Well, no, I mean a "girl," but, y'know, a woman.  She's not, like, underage or anything.  No. . .No, I mean, he isn't raping her or holding her prisoner or anything. . . . In fact, from what I've read and seen, everybody was just having a good time.  So. . . yeah, um, I guess, well, if you put it that way, I guess the only part of this that actually rises to the level of scandal is the fact that somebody took pictures of a private party where at least one pair of consenting adults probably engaged in sexual activities and then saw fit to sell these pictures to an internet sleaze factory.

At least we can all agree that Harry is a creepy ginge.

Saturday Trendwatch

10. RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS

WHY IT'S TRENDING: A recent study determined that people with rheumatoid arthritis were no less likely than non-sufferers to receive screening for various cancers.  These findings contradict those of an earlier study that found that RA sufferers did undergo fewer such screenings.  It was later determined that the original study suffered from a major design flaw: Instead of assessing people suffering from RA (rheumatoid arthritis), scientists mistakenly interviewed those suffering because of  RA's (resident advisors) at a number of northeastern colleges.  This not only explained the comparative scarcity of cancer screenings (among what was, after all, a generally young population), but also the abundance of respondents who referred to their "rheumatoid arthritis" as "a douchebag."

9. GAS PRICES

WHY IT'S TRENDING: Why wouldn't it be?  Gas prices are always a subject of discussion.  If they go up, it's news.  If they go down, it's news.  If they do nothing, it's news!  Might as well just throw darts at a wall with "Lower," "Higher," and "No change" signs taped to it.  This week, the answer is. . . .HIGHER!!!  HIGHER!!!  HIGHER!!!  At least in some parts of the nation.  In Massachusetts, gas prices have crept up nearly a nickel a gallon over the past week.  Blame Obama!  Of course, prices are still down significantly copmpared to this time last year.  Thank Obama!

8. BANKRUPTCY PROTECTION

WHY IT'S TRENDING: San Bernardino, California, has filed for bankruptcy protection.  Interim Mayor Andrea Miller worries that the city will be unable to meet payroll over the next three months.  Meanwhile, Pat Morris, the Mayor of San Bernardino, "said the decision was the beginning of a 'difficult conversation about the city's budget and the city's future.'"

I would humbly suggest that, if San Bernardino is in such dire financial straits, having two mayors could be considered an unnecessary expense.

7. JENNIFER LOPEZ AMERICAN IDOL

WHY IT'S TRENDING: Well, duh! If a major pop icon like Jennifer Lopez has decided to abandon traditional religion and worship Ba'al or something, I would HOPE it would make the news!  Millions of girls look up to J-Lo, and if she's turned to idolatry?!?  Look, I am all for the First Amendment, and I believe everyone has the right to pursue the religion of his/her choice, but a public figure has a certain responsibility to. . .

What?

TV show?  She's leaving it?

Oh.

Never mind.

6. MISSING MILLIONAIRE CASE

WHY IT'S TRENDING: Millionaire Guma Aguiar of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, has been missing since June.  Now, GPS data suggest that Aguiar may have abandoned his ship, which floated back to shore unattended, and jumped onto another one.  Frankly, this all sounds like a plot point from an episode of "Dexter."  Do we know if Aguiar ever got away with murder on a technicality?

5. CHEVY BUY-BACK

WHY IT'S TRENDING: General Motors has announced a new program, wherein buyers of 2012 and 2013 model year Chevrolets can bring their cars back for a full refund if they are not completely satisfied.  GM is introducing this strategy in order to compete with a newly resurgent Toyota.  Additionally, GM is promoting a "No Haggling" pricing policy, incorporating deep discounts on new cars to allow people to circumvent the negotiating process, which many people find the most unpleasant part of the whole car-buying experience.  If these plans don't succeed in allowing GM to increase or maintain market share, the company may consider other strategies, like giving away a free llama with every purchase of a Chevy Malibu.

4. SIGOURNEY WEAVER

WHY SHE'S TRENDING: Sigourney Weaver stars in the new USA show, "Political Animals," which premieres tomorrow night.  In the show, Weaver plays the ex-wife of a philandering American President.  After running for office herself, Weaver's character accepts the post of Secretary of State.  But it's not about Hillary!  Personally, we're looking forward to episode 3, where Weaver travels to LV-426 on a diplomatic mission to meet with a group of aliens who have taken over a terraforming community.  In space, no one can hear you negotiate.

3. MICHELLE OBAMA THREAT

WHY IT'S TRENDING: A Washington, DC, policeman has been suspended for making a threat against First Lady Michelle Obama.  The officer, who has not been publicly identified, has worked on motorcycle details involving Washington political figures.  Some have suggested the policeman may simply have been joking.  In which case, he should certainly be fired for sheer stupidity.

2. GAY COUPLE'S PICTURE MISUSED

WHY IT'S TRENDING: Brian Edwards and Tom Privitere are a nice married couple from New Jersey.  A picture from their engagement party

was photoshopped and used by a rabid anti-gay group as part of a campaign to defeat a Colorado Republican politician who supports gay marriage.  The Southern Poverty Law Center has requested that the hate group, Virginia-based Public Advocate, remove the picture from its publications, and Edwards and Privitere are considering a lawsuit.  In fairness, though: Look at that picture!  If those guys aren't a threat to everything that is good and pure, I don't know what is!

And the number one trending topic is. . . .

1. MOM SUING JUSTIN BIEBER

WHY IT'S TRENDING: Stacey Wilson Betts took her five daughters to a Justin Bieber concert where the Oregon woman claims she suffered permanent hearing loss.  Just to clarify, Betts is not claiming that the music itself was too loud--in fairness, any Bieber song played at a level to allow human perception could be said to be "too loud."  Rather, Betts is claiming that Bieber himself was showing reckless disregard for her hearing (and perhaps sanity), when he exhorted the arena full of screaming "Beliebers" to scream even louder.  His specific offense? "[W]aving his arms in an upward motion while riding over them in a heart-shaped gondola."

I kind of feel like screaming myself.

Thursday Trendwatch

SAMSUNG (10) has introduced its latest Galaxy Smartphone.  I think I speak for everyone when I say, please stop.  Please.  How can it be time to upgrade again?  What can this phone do that could possibly make it worthwhile for someone to shell out hundreds more dollars for the latest incarnation?  Unless the phone allows me to order a pizza and play "Angry Squids" (or whatever) at the same time that I'm listening to the latest "beats" to "drop" from "Lady" "Gaga," all the while sexually servicing me. . . I'll just stick to my flip phone that does little more than allow me to talk to people.

Despite some early promise, it appears that "smell tests" are poor predictors of incipient ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE (9).  Scientists have found that a diminishing sense of smell may be associated with Alzheimer's, but the association is not strong enough to be predictive. Meanwhile, despite some early promise, it appears that "smell tests" are poor predictors of incipient ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE (9).  Scientists have found that a diminishing sense of smell may be associated with Alzheimer's, but the association is not strong enough to be predictive.  (That joke, unlike most Alzheimer's patients, never gets old.  Sorry.)

SEN. MARCO RUBIO (8) is mentioned often as a potential vice-presidential pick for Mitt Romney.  Bad idea!  In a recent interview, the neophyte senator committed a gaffe of epic proportions, perpetuating the most offensive of ethnic stereotypes when he mentioned that, a mere five years ago, his mother, a proud Latina, worked as a "maid."  Seriously, Marco: Talk about opening la boca and inserting el . . .uh. . .  footo.

A movement to BOYCOTT SPIRIT AIRLINES (7) has been gathering steam on Facebook, since the company refused to refund the $197 airfare of Vietnam vet Jerry Meekins who was ordered by his doctor not to fly as he is dying of esophageal cancer.  Bravo, Spirit!  That's the. . . uh. . . well, spirit!  Who does this Meekins character think he is, anyway, trying to sucker an all-American company like Spirit Airlines?  What, he's tough enough to fight Charlie in 'Nam, but he hasn't got the BALLS--or, at any rate, the esophagus--to take a widdle bitty plane flight?  Pussy!  You go, Spirit!

Sad news from VOGUE MAGAZINE (6).  The editors of all 19 editions (?!?) have agreed to stop running photographs of models who are under the age of 16 or who "appear" to have eating disorders.  Great!  Now what do I have to look forward to every month?  Pictures of fat-ass, size-4 19 year olds?  Thanks a lot, Anna Wintour!

I frankly don't even understand the next item: SARAH PHILLIPS ESPN (5).  From what I can gather, Phillips is a writer who may or may not exist, and who, if she does exist, might be guilty of some sort of crime.  The possibly corporeal writer was definitely fired by ESPN, though.  So, for those of you who thought never to see existential drama at the network that gave you Chris "Boomer" Berman and the Two-Minute Drill. . . well, there you go.

KATE UPTON (4) is. .  . ah, who cares, here's a picture:

In the "news to no one" category comes a report that CNN RATINGS (3) suck.  The only bright spot for the venerable broadcaster is that, when disaster strikes, CNN is often the "go-to" network.  In other words, CNN benefits from cataclysmic news. . . . Can anyone account for CNN's whereabouts when the Fukushima reactor went kerflooey?  Too soon?

LINDA EVANGELISTA (2) is. . . never mind, here's a picture:

(Incidentally, given Vogue's above-mentioned policy eschewing anorexic jailbait, THIS is the kind of atrocity we can look forward to on future covers.  Ugh!)

Finally, KELLY RIPA (1) has ruled out her husband, Mark Consuelos, as a permanent co-host for her "Live with Kelly and Not Regis" show.  Having apparently exhausted every Hollywood resource, Ripa will continue to audition friends and family members--next up, Ripa's periodontist, Dr. Murray Goldstein.  I expect a call to Solipsist Central any day now.

Thursday Trendwatch--Monday Edition

If you don't want to contract PROSTATE CANCER (10)--and these days, who does?  I mean, prostate cancer went out with Crocs and Tamagochi.  Anyone who's anyone is coming down with bird flu these days. . . . Wait, what was I talking about?  Oh, yeah: If you want to avoid prostate cancer, you may want to consider circumcision.  Scientists are unsure about the exact mechanism, but a recent study found that men who have prostate cancer are less likely to be circumcised.  Less likely than what was not made clear.

Speaking of prostate cancer--and, for that matter, circumcision--LARRY KING (9) is reportedly launching his very own show on internet TV.

With an internet show, King can now add another media outlet to a list of previous platforms that includes television, radio, print media, Vaudeville music hall, and the Lascaux cave paintings.

Larry King is very old, is what I'm saying.

Number 8 on the Trendwatch is AT&T, but when I clicked on the link, I was directed to a page that said, "Did you mean AT&T?"  Well, I don't know, Yahoo!!  It's your "Trending Now" list!

(DIGRESSION: That first exclamation point is part of the Yahoo! name--like that--and should not be interpreted to mean that I considered the previous statement worthy of two exclamation points.  I mean, it's upsetting, but not that upsetting!! EOD)

Maybe I'll have better luck with CRYSTAL CATHEDRAL (7).  I have no idea what the Crystal Cathedral is, but yesterday its senior pastor, Sheila Schuller Coleman (quite a tongue twister, by the way), announced that she was leaving the Cathedral to start her own church.  Somehow, I doubt this announcement is up there with Martin Luther nailing his 95 theses to the church door, but who knows?  Maybe five-hundred years from now Schuller-Colemanism will have supplanted Islam as the world's most misunderstood religion.

HALLE BERRY (6) is engaged--to a Frenchman!  Seriously, there's something seriously wrong when Halle Berry can't get a date in America.  Well, since I forced you all to look at Larry King, here:

SARAH PALIN (5) is reportedly upset about the HBO movie "Game Change," about the 2008 presidential campaign, which starred Julianne Moore as Palin.  I have not seen the movie; however, if I were Palin, I wouldn't complain too much: No disrespect to Tina Fey, but going from being portrayed by her to being portrayed by Julianna Moore has got to be considered a step up.  It's like when the rights to my life story were transferred from Pauly Shore to George Clooney.

It could happen.

To wrap up the Trendwatch, TIGER WOODS (4) has a mid-Achilles sprain, which will provide a suitable rationale for his next round of general mediocrity.  No words will be wasted on RUSH LIMBAUGH (3).  The Bay Area can look forward to a BART EXTENSION (2).  From now on, the area's public transportation network will be known as HOBART--nobody knows why. And not to be outdone--or out-extended--by BART, 49ers' quarterback, ALEX SMITH (1) is reportedly close to a contract extension.

And speaking of Alex Smith's extension, no word on whether Smith has a prostate-cancer-risk-lowering circumcision or not.

Thursday Trendwatch

It's been a few weeks, but the Trendwatch is back.  Let's see what we've been missing:

First off, as we've always suspected, organic food will kill your baby!  That's because "Big Vegan" just looooves it some arsenic.  Turns out that organic brown rice syrup, an ingredient in many organic all-natural baby foods, may contain amounts of arsenic far in excess of the federally recommended amounts.  Kind of disconcerting to discover that there IS a federally recommended amount of arsenic, but I guess arsenic is the new riboflavin.  Anyway, BABY FOOD ARSENIC (10) kind of makes high fructose corn syrup sound not so bad.

Ready for some good news?  OIL PRICES (9) held steady!  Of course, that was only after they surged earlier this week on news that Iran might cut off European supplies.  Even so, we're happy to report a story with the word "surge" in it that doesn't involve Santorum--of any definition.

A new study suggests a relationship between SLEEP AND ALZHEIMER'S (8).  Specifically, people who wake up frequently during the night may be at higher risk of the disease.  Great!  I have always had a problem sleeping through the night.

Also, a new study suggests a relationship between SLEEP AND ALZHEIMER'S (8).  Specifically, people who wake up frequently during the night may be at higher risk of the disease.  Great!  I have always had a problem sleeping through the night.  (That joke just NEVER gets old.)

The Kennedys are trendy again!  Were they ever not?  JOSEPH KENNEDY III (7) is running for Congress, while JACKIE KENNEDY (6) is still dead.  Her White House Tour special turns 50, though, so her vital hold on American culture continues.  ALCOHOLISM (5) is also trendy, but that may just be a coattail effect from the whole Kennedy thing.

CISSY HOUSTON (4), Whitney's mom, is "devastated" over her daughter's death.  This is what passes for journalism these days?  In an equally shocking story, a majority of women surveyed find George Clooney "handsome."

In honor of President's weekend, the San Francisco area will experience a BAY BRIDGE CLOSING (3) this weekend.  San Francisco department stores anticipate a profitable weekend and are advertising major discounts on items that no one will be able to get to.

JULIA ROBERTS (2) and Meryl Streep will play a mother-daughter pair in a film adaptation of "August: Osage County."  Only Julia Roberts, though, is trendy.  Had Meryl gone ahead with the original plan, in which she would have played both roles, as well as the role of Winston Churchill (written into the screenplay just to give Streep the chance at a Best Supporting Actor Oscar)., she might have made the cut.

Finally, the top spot on the Trendwatch goes to none other than MONICA LEWINSKY (1).  Because, like the Trendwatch itself, illicit presidential fellatio just never goes out of style.
 

Monday Miscellany--Friday Edition

Earlier today, the number one trending topic on Yahoo! was "Cher Not Dead."  Cher's not dead?!?  I didn't even know she wasn't sick!

***************************************

From the "Was-This-Headline-Really-a-Good-Idea?" file:

"Israel Senses Bluffing in Iran's Threats of Retaliation" (New York Times, January 27, 2012).

To be fair, it's better than the original idea, "Netanyahu Calls Ahmadinejad 'Giant Pussy,' Gives Him Wedgie."

Thursday Trendwatch

Starting off our trendwatch is everyone's favorite royal in-law PIPA (10).  Yes, Kate Middleton's sister is in the crosshairs of public opinion again: Everyone's really pissed off at her apparently: "Stop PIPA!"  "Down with PIPA!"  What's really strange about the anti-PIPA movement is that many of these people also seem to want Mexicans to stop eating soup.  Many of the "Stop PIPA" protestors are surrounded by people waving signs saying "Stop SOPA!" and the like.  Does Pippa Middleton like to eat a lot of soup?  In Spain?

What's that?

Oh.

Never mind.

Eddie Brill, a comedian and longtime booker for DAVID LETTERMAN (9), received a demotion for saying that female comedians will "act like men" in order to get gigs.  Boy, that is. . .   That is. . .   Um. . .  Wait, why exactly is that a problem?  I mean, generalizing about any group--especially a group held in such reverence as female stand-up comedians--can often lead to problems, but I'm not clear on what precisely is so bad about suggesting that these performers "act like men."

Lest you think I am minimizing Brill's affront by decontextualizing, here is his entire quote: "There are a lot less female comics who are authentic. I see a lot of female comics who, to please an audience, will act like men." Since he doesn't even make clear what constitutes "man-like" behavior, this hardly seems like a major insult.  And considering the unapologetic raunchiness of female comics like Lisa Lampanelli, Sarah Silverman, and Kathy Griffin, one must at least entertain the possibility that Brill was not only NOT being insulting; he was probably also right.

A new definition of the condition may lead to a major change in the prevalence of AUTISM DIAGNOSES (8).  Revisions in diagnostic criteria proposed by the American Psychiatric Association could significantly reduce the number of people who receive a diagnosis of autism.  Texas Governor Rick Perry would presumably still qualify.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN (7) has declared that she is NOT exploring fertility treatments, so there is still hope that the Kardashians will not breed.  If and when Kardashian DOES have a baby, though, she will not be able to record the blessed event with Kodak equipment, as the venerable company has filed for CHAPTER 11 (6) bankruptcy protection.  Yes, we at the Solipsist were just as surprised as you are to hear that Kodak still existed.

JESSICA CAPSHAW (5) of "Grey's Anatomy" is pregnant.  Take THAT Khloe Kardashian!

Coming in next is HOPE SOLO (4).  This is AWESOME!  I didn't know Han and Leia had a baby!  That must happen in "Episode 7," which must mean that THERE IS GOING TO BE AN EPISODE SEVEN!!!  Oh, Ican'twaitIcan'twaitIcan'twaitIcan'twait!  I'm gonna find out where it's going to be playing and I am getting on line to-NIGHT!  I--

What's that?

Soccer?

Oh.

Never mind.

JENNIFER GARNER (3) is pregnant.  Take THAT, Khloe Kardashian!

And rounding out the trendwatch, San Francisco Giants' ace TIM LINCECUM (2) has requested $21.5 million, but he may have to settle for a mere $17 million is the Giants prevail in arbitration; and country music star MERLE HAGGARD (1) has cancelled some tour dates due to health problems.

Take THAT, Khloe Kardashian!

Thursday Trendwatch

The Trendwatch begins on a somber note this week, with NAVY PILOT KILLING (10) starting us off.  On New Year's Eve, John Robert Reeves, a pilot in training killed three people and himself at a party in southern California.  Police are unsure what motivated the killing.

On a lighter note, we have the story of EFFIE GRAY (9), a 19th-century Englishwoman who endured a an oppressive marriage to the noted art critic John Ruskin.  The story goes that, on their wedding night,

something about his bride — historians still debate exactly what — so horrified Ruskin that the union was not consummated. Ruskin maintained it was her personality that had put him off, but Gray later wrote that her husband "had imagined women were quite different to what he saw I was."

One would have thought that a noted art critic would have, at some point in his life, studied art and, by extension, have some knowledge of basic human anatomy.  Of course, maybe that was the problem: We all laugh at Ruskin, but maybe, under all the hoop skirts and corsets, Effie Gray was something other than human!  Now THAT would make a good movie.  I suspect, however, that is not the approach taken in the upcoming film "Effie," starring Dakota Fanning.  Too bad, really.

For those of you non-creative types, resolving to lose weight in this new year, DIET PLANS (8) remain trendy.  For those of you more creative types, resolving to avoid costume dramas, see above.  And for those of you resolving to avoid all things Kardashian, good luck!  You won't even make it all the way through today's Trendwatch, where we find model AMBER ROSE (7) blaming Kim Kardashian for Rose's break-up with musician Kanye West.

Not for nothing, Amber, but have you considered it has less to do with Kim Kardashian than with the Kim Jong-il sunglasses?

VICTORIA GOTTI (6) will compete in the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice," along with "Real" "Housewife" and fellow Trendwatch participant TERESA GUIDICE (4) (thereby laying to rest the rumor that they were the same person). 

Other contestants will include two other members of today's Trendwatch, former "Hulk" LOU FERRIGNO (2) and the still hot CHERYL TIEGS (1); Clay Aiken ("American Idol"), Paul Teutul, Sr. ("American Chopper"), and Adam Carrolla (American idiot); comedian Lisa Lampaneli, rocker Dee Snider, former Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza, singer Debbie Gibson, actress-model Patricia Velasquez, actress Tia Carrere, and. . . .  Oh, no. . . . Oh, say it ain't so!  Sigh. . . George Takei.

I used to think you were cool, Man!

Rounding out the non-Trump-related Trendwatch are BANKRUPTCY PROTECTION (5) and MUIR WOODS (3).  The Muir Woods story is interesting because. . .

Oh, screw it!  George!  What are you thinking?  You had totally reinvented yourself as a witty, engaging spokesman for gay rights and a poster of amusing videos on Facebook, and now. . .THIS?  Yeah, I know, it's not like Shatner or Nimoy debasing themselves in front of the Donald, but this puts you in the same category as, like, Gary Busey!  GARY BUSEY!!!  You've written an opera, Man!  Have some dignity!  Get out while you still can!

Thursday Trendwatch

Following the logic that the enemy of my enemy is, at the very least, my frenemy, the Obama administration announced that it would sell F-15 FIGHTER JETS (10) to Saudi Arabia for about $30 billion, which will quickly be returned to the monarchy in exchange for oil.  Still, the move makes sense when you consider that Saudi Arabia is a staunch American allies in the volatile Middle East, not like that nasty country from which most of the 9/11 hijackers came, Saudi Arabia.

With all that oil money, perhaps we could interest the Saudis in purchasing some shiny new American houses.  They could take advantage of ridiculously low FIXED MORTGAGE RATES (9), which, while finishing the year slightly above their all-time low, nevertheless present an irresistible opportunity to anyone with money to buy a new house.  So, y'know, nobody in America, but still. . . .

Coming in at number 8 on the Trendwatch is ALZHEIMER'S.

And, coming in at number 8 on the Trendwatch is ALZHEIMER'S.

Now, some sad news for all you fans of KATY PERRY AND RUSSELL BRAND (7) (the couple, not the individuals, 'cause God knows why anyone would be fans of either one individually).  They may be having difficulties.  I'm surprised.  Not that they're having difficulties, I'm surprised that they're married, but that just shows you the level of my pop-culture knowledge.  I suspect the trouble started when Katy Perry spent that "platonic" weekend with Elmo after her infamous "Sesame Street" appearance.  Just friends, my eye!

Fear not, though: The world of celebrity romantic entanglements continues to spin with news that ZOE SALDANA (6) is dating Bradley Cooper.  How he got all the way to Pandora, I'll never understand.

Today, for those of you who missed it, was DUMP GODADDY DAY (5).  The online domain-name company has found itself the target of boycotts because of its initial unwillingness (since disavowed) to oppose SOPA--the Stop Internet Piracy Act--which goes before Congress next month.  So, yes: Sexist advertising?  Fine.  Corporate legislative policy, which, frankly, would seem to have little impact on the legislation under consideration anyway?  Boycott 'em!  Incidentally, December 29 is also Pepper-Pot Day, a holiday on which we commemorate the soup that the Continental Army ate during the harsh winter of 1777-78.  Seriously!  More people should know about this holiday.  Maybe I'll start a website about it.  Wonder if the name Rememberpepperpotday.com is taken?  Where could I go to find out. . . .?

PIPPA MIDDLETON (4), having attended numerous weddings this past year, says she herself feels she is "undatable."  Has she considered that nobody wants to date someone named "Pippa"?

REGGIE BUSH (3), the Miami Dolphins running back missed practice today.  At the same time, he also speculated that he was capable of breaking various football records.  Not sure whether one of the records he's shooting for is most practices missed, but, if so, he might have a shot.

I'm going to skip right by number 2 (DEBRA MESSING), 'cause it's just another celebridating story, and I really want to get to number 1, which is ELLY MAE CLAMPETT.  This is why I enjoy the Trendwatch.  I mean, I can honestly say that I had not given Elly Mae Clampett a thought in the last, oh, ever.  And yet, here she is, a fictional character from a 40-year-old TV show, sitting pretty atop the Trendwatch at the end of 2011.  What can this possibly be about?  If I find out she's dating Tim Allen or something, I just quit!

Well, OK: It seems that Elly Mae--or more precisely, Donna Douglas, who played the character on "The Beverly Hillbillies"--has settled a suit with Mattel over its use of "her" likeness for a Barbie doll.  Next, she is going after the people who decided that her character's official outfit should become known as "Daisy Dukes."

Thursday Trendwatch

Much as we hate to do so, we must begin today's Trendwatch in Europe, where TURKEY AND FRANCE (10) have come to the diplomatic equivalent of blows over France's passage of a law declaring it "a crime to deny that the mass killings of Armenians by Ottoman Turks nearly a century ago constitute genocide."  This is a sensitive subject for the Turks, who prefer to refer to the mass killings of 1915 as merely a "large-scale de-lifing."  While I sympathize with the French decision, and agree that Turkey should face up to its past, uh, indiscretions, I have no great enthusiasm for laws that restrict free speech.  If people want to deny the Armenian genocide--or, indeed, the Holocaust--they are free to do so, and everybody else is free to subject them to the scorn and ridicule that they deserve.  Besides, is there some enormous wave of Frenchmen running around denying the Armenian genocide?

Maybe San Francisco can pass a law criminalizing the disparagement of ALEX SMITH (9).  Not that this is much of a problem anymore.  At least for now, the previously maligned 49ers quarterback would seem safe from criticism, with the team having already clinched their division and cruising toward the playoff.  Smith should remain above criticism until at least mid-January and the inevitable evisceration by Green Bay.  The Packers not only have a nearly unstoppable offense and strong defense, they also have an added advantage: access to Wisconsin cheese.  According to a new study, cheese provides surprising benefits in a person's LDL CHOLESTEROL (8)  level (that's the bad one).

In fairness, the "benefits" are relative: Cheese is "better" than butter for a person's LDL cholesterol levels.  So, if you were considering drinking a big ol' glass of butter, you might want to consider shotgunning some Cheez Wiz instead.

The Solipsist sends its best wishes to the family of ETTA JAMES (7).  The 73-year-old singer has been hospitalized with incurable leukemia.

Ms. James has suffered from a series of illnesses over the last several years, including dementia and kidney failure, and we hope she and her family can find some peace at last.

In lighter news, the husband of "real" housewife of "New" Jersey, TERESA GIUDICE (6), has been arrested for pretending to be his own brother.  Seriously, I know nothing about this show, but I can understand wanting to change one's identity to avoid being associated with it.  I just think the guy should have looked beyond his own family.  Kind of defeats the purpose, you know. . . .

Coming in at number 5 are INVESTMENT STRATEGIES, which I guess means it's time for the Solipsist's Can't-Miss-Investment of the week:  I recommend putting everything into. . . LLAMAS!  You're welcome.

BRITNEY SPEARS (4) is in the news.  Again.  For getting married.  Again.  Her first ex-husband, Jason Alexander (no, not THAT Jason Alexander) thinks her latest engagement is a scam.

Well, he would say that!  After his own 17-minute marriage to Britney, ANY future relationship the pop-princess would pursue would necessarily seem sham-like, but, Jason, you can't expect a girl to stay single forever!  Shame on you!

And shame on CHRISTIAN BALE (3)!  At least, that's what the Chinese authorities are saying.  Last week, Bale stirred up some trouble when he had the audacity to try and visit a human-rights activist while in China doing publicity for a movie that was financed by the Chinese government.  When he tried to meet Chen Guangcheng, simply to shake the man's hand, Bale was physically stopped by a group of government-backed guards, an altercation captured by a CNN film crew.  It should be noted that Chen is not in prison and is thus, in theory, free to meet and/or be visited by whomever he wants.  But still, the Chinese government is right!  Christian Bale SHOULD be ashamed of himself!  I haven't heard of such outrageous, offensive behavior since that time Bono gave a thumbs-up to Nelson Mandela!  Celebrities!

I think China should throw the book at Christian Bale!  Maybe he can share a cell with  "American Idol" runner-up ADAM LAMBERT (2), who was arrested in a bar-brawl in Finland.  I'm sure. . .one of them would learn. . .some kind of lesson.

And speaking of learning lessons, CALLISTA GINGRICH (1) will need to learrn some lessons about Twittequette.  The aspiring First Lady has taken to Twitter to bash Mitt Romney, making fun of him for, among other things, his unseemly displays of wealth--this from the woman who, along with her husband, had a half-million dollar credit line at Tiffany's.  By the way, wasn't Callista Gingrich the name of the Necromancy Professor at Hogwarts?

Thursday Trendwatch

It occurs to me that anyone who needs Yahoo! to tell them that HOLIDAY CARDS (10) are currently a trendy topic probably isn't trendy enough to be on the interwebs in the first place.  The same could be said about FORECLOSURES (9), except for the refreshing news that foreclosures are down significantly from the same period last year.  Whatever refreshment one feels, though, is tempered by the realization that the main reason for the slowdown was the fact that banks were pretty much forced to cease and desist after the uproar over "robo-signers": robots from the future that came back in time to authorize foreclosures and kill Sarah Conner.  It looks like foreclosures will shoot up again next year--unless, of course, we find out that banks have engaged in even more recklessly illegal activities.  So, y'know, it's a 50-50 kind of shot.

Morning people--at least morning women--seem to be at lower risk for DEMENTIA (8), according to a new study.  People who are more active in the morning were significantly less likely to develop signs of dementia or mild cognitive impairment.  They also displayed greater worm-catching abilities.

A grotesque ELEVATOR ACCIDENT (7) claimed the life of a woman in New York City the other day.  In what sounds like a sketch for a scene in the next installment of "Final Destination," the 41-year-old was killed after she stepped onto an elevator that suddenly, unexpectedly, and violently shot up, pinning her between the elevator and the wall of the elevator shaft.  Investigators are trying to figure out what went wrong.

From the tragic to the. . . inane?. . .HOWARD STERN (6) will replace Piers Morgan as a judge on NBC's "America's Got Talent."  I guess NBC wanted to class things up a bit.  And speaking of people who have fallen out of the national consciousness, ANNA CHLUMSKY (5) of "My Girl" fame has made the trendwatch in recognition, I guess, of her ability to grow from an attractive tween into an attractive adult.  (Well, at any rate, far more attractive than you would expect something called "chlumsky" to be.)

Still marveling over holiday cards?  Well, hurry down to number 4, where you will find UNIQUE GIFT IDEAS.  The top three unique gift ideas are as follows: a vial filled with the ebola virus; ocelot cutlers; and a lifetime subscription to "The Solipsist" (including an official Solipsist, "I'm With No One" t-shirt.  If you'd rather go with a gag-gift, you could always buy your friend GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS (3) tickets.

Someone keeps putting ZOOEY DESCHANEL (2) on the trend list, and I can only assume it's to annoy me.  It won't work!  I'll just ignore her and zip on down to the number-one trendiest topic of this moment in the space-time continuum, SOFIA VERGARA, who received a Golden Globe nomination for her role in "Modern Family."  On the show, she plays a stunningly gorgeous Latina with a funny accent.  I have no idea how she manages to pull that off.

Thursday Trendwatch--Saturday Edition

When I was a yeshiva boy, we always bought HANUKKAH CANDLES (10) through my school.  The boxes contained the exact number of candles needed for the eight-night holiday.  On the first night of Hanukkah, observant Jews--as well as others who simply like to look at shiny things--light two candles, and each subsequent evening calls for the addition of one candle.  Those members of Solipsist Nation preparing for the SATs can figure out the total number of candles for themselves.  For the benefit of those of you NOT interested in math, we will forego commentary on TAX PLANNING (9) and OIL PRICES (8).

We hope this will not lead to accusations of APPEASEMENT (7), of which one Yahoo! contributor has accused President Obama.  Apparently, this commentator feels that Obama's withdrawal from Iraq and his coddling (?) of Iran constitute Chamberlainian acts of weakness.  Granted, we haven't started bombing Iran--yet, but I hardly see how the establishment of sanctions on Iran--to say nothing of Syria and Libya--and the killing of various terrorist leaders around the world, including a guy named bin Laden, constitute appeasement.  This writer keeps using that word, though; I do not think it means what he thinks it means. . . .

Okay, ladies, ASHTON KUTCHER (6) has turned down an invitation to spend New Year's Eve with Lea Michele, his co-star in "New Year's Eve."  No doubt he has heard about the unfortunate incidents that occurred way back when Jamie Lee Curtis accepted an invitation to spend Halloween with her "Halloween" co-star, Donald Pleasance.  Meanwhile, Rainey Qualley (Rainey Qualley?), the daugher of ANDIE MACDOWELL (5), has been named "Miss Golden Globe" for 2012.  I have no idea what this means, but I suspect this is an honor slightly greater than winning a Golden Globe.

According to Miss Manners, you must take several things into account when juggling numerous HOLIDAY INVITATIONS (4).  While it is all right to accept multiple invitations, one must strive to remain at each stop for a certain "minimum" time: about 45 minutes for drinks but for the entire meal at a dinner party.  (I wonder if Ashton Kutcher consulted the etiquette expert before publicly refusing an invitation fro,m his RomCom co-star?)

Speaking of etiquette, how long does propriety require one to wait after a divorce before diving back into the dating pool?  I ask on behalf of KRIS HUMPHRIES (3).  I have no inside information on whether the basketball "star" and former Mr. Kardashian has started seeing anyone.  But I am concerned that, if he starts dating too soon, it could call into question the sincerity of his marriage, and I would hate to see the sanctity of this romance for the ages besmirched by any premature gallivanting on the part of Humphries.

If he IS back on the dating market, maybe the newly single "Glee" star DIANNA AGRON (2) would be interested.  Then she could totally screw with Lea Michele: "Ha, ha!  I'm dating Kris Humphries and you got dissed by Kut-cher!  Neener, neener, billy goat!"

I'm pretty sure that's what she would say.

Finally, ELLIE KEMPER (1), of "The Office" is engaged to a former writer for Conan O'Brien.

Since I've only watched up to, like, season 5 of "The Office," I'm not exactly sure who Ms. Kemper is, but I wish her the best.  I wonder if she'll invite Ashton Kutcher to the wedding.