Sony Avenged

Earlier this morning--so early, in fact, that you were no doubt sleeping--President Obama released the following statement:

"My fellow Americans, I recently vowed that the United States would 'respond proportionally' to the North Korean cyberattack against Sony.  This heinous attack deprived the American public its opportunity to see the Seth Rogen-James Frisco [sic] comedy 'The Interview.'

"This blatant cultural aggression will not stand.

"Some have called for a military response.  I have decided, however, that this would be disproportionate.  Besides, all our military assets are otherwise deployed around Iraq, Afghanistan, and Belgium.  (You'll be hearing about that at a press conference later this afternoon.)  And so I am mandating a gentler--yet no less devastating--response.

"I call upon all American filmmakers to include the assassination of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un in all movies from this point forward.  And not only that.  I have directed all major studios to go into their archives and, through the magic of digital technology, add the assassination of Kim Jong-un to all previously released films.

"The Nakatomi Tower hijackers in 'Die Hard'? They're North Korean now, led by Korean Alan Rickman as Kim Jong-un.

"Oz the Great and Powerful?  Try Kim the Squat and Infantile--and, yes, he dies now.

"All the raptors in 'Jurassic Park' will soon be computer-generated mini-Kim Jong-uns.  It's actually really cool.

"So in conclusion, my fellow Americans, I encourage you to go out this holiday season and take in a movie or two.  Enjoy some popcorn and a cornucopia of cinematic assassinations of North Korea's premier. Just don't go see the new 'Annie'--it's terrible.

"Thank you. And God bless America."

Sony Evil

To be clear, I had neither plans nor, indeed, desire to see "The Interview."  If the advertising is any indication, the movie--a comedy about a plot to assassinate North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un--is an unmitigated piece of crap.  Still, the decision by Sony Studios to abandon plans for a Christmas Day release, in response to threats of violence and/or continued cyberattacks on the corporation, is disappointing to say the least.

In Sony's defense, I'm not sure they had much choice.  Earlier in the week, the largest theater chains in the country had already announced their plans to pull the film.  Still, what kind of precedent has been set?  A few hardcore lunatics depriving the world of two hours of dick jokes from Seth Rogen and James Franco may not seem like that great a tragedy, but what happens when a controversial film with actual artistic merit becomes the target?  If the internet had been around when "The Last Temptation of Christ" was released, would a band of tech-savvy Christian fundamentalists have succeeded in shutting down that film?  Assuming there is such a thing as a tech-savvy Christian fundamentalist.  Maybe that's a bad example.  But you get the point.

If the studio has truly given up on the thought of releasing the film in theaters, I have a modest proposal: Sony should post the whole thing on YouTube right now.  Why not?  They've already lost any money they sank into producing the movie, and hackers have already damaged the company tremendously with their steady release of embarrassing Sony documents.  What have they got to lose?  More importantly, by posting the movie online, Sony will thwart the terrorists who sought to stop the film's release, all while allowing people to see the movie in the comfort and safety of their own homes.  The film would find an exponentially greater audience than it could ever have found in the theaters.  Hell, I might even watch it, if only out of spite.

C'mon, Sony: Korea subjected us to "Gangnam Style"; let's show these hackers that payback's a bitch.