The Solipsist Reads the Times (So You Don't Have To)

"Scores of federal regulators are stationed inside JPMorgan Chase’s Manhattan headquarters, but none of them were assigned to the powerful unit that recently disclosed a multibillion trading loss."

I'm no expert on bank regulation, but I think I've figured out the problem!  Did you know that there are more than 100 federal regulators embedded at JPMorgan Chase?  Yet not ONE was placed in the unit that caused all the recent agita.  Makes you wonder where they were assigned.  Turns out about 60 of them were working on lower-profile accounts, 13 were assigned to the cafeteria, 10 to the supply closet, and one was responsible for feeding the company hedgehog.  The bad news: JPMorgan Chase lost billions.  The good news: Spiny Nigel is fat and happy.

The first post-revolutionary, freely-elected Egyptian president will be chosen in a run-off between a committed Islamist and a member of deposed dictator Hosni Mubarak's inner circle.  This seems a textbook case of choosing the lesser of two evils, and I have to throw my weight behind the Islamist, Mohamed Morsi.  Why?  Well, the secular candidate Ahmed Shafik, previously served as Prime Minister, but was forced to resign because of his propensity to make comments like this: "I fought in wars.  I killed and was killed!"

The Muslim Brotherhood may be worrisome, but do we really need an Egyptian George W. Bush?

Pedro Hernandez has been arraigned in the 33-year-old disappearance and murder of Etan Patz, to which Hernandez confessed earlier this week.  While investigators have not released many details, there are suggestions that Hernandez has long suffered from mental illness, including hallucinations. According to Hernandez, he killed Etan and then disposed of the body in a nearby dumpster.  My question: With the intense searching that was going on at the time, how could the body not have been found?

For the sake of Etan's family, we can all hope that this arrest brings closure.  But I have my doubts.  After all, while mental illness could explain why Hernandez murdered Etan, it could also explain why he would confess to a murder he didn't commit.  And with no physical evidence, it may be hard to prosecute.

The biggest bank in Spain is seeking a huge government bailout.  Officials at Bankia thought they would need about 4 billion euros.  Turns out, they need a little bit more: about 23 billion euros.  I think the thing that is most shocking about the general corruption and incompetence of the banking industry--in Spain as well as the US (and probably everywhere else)--is not so much the fact that the banks made bad bets and lost huge amounts of money; nor is it the fact that they need public bailouts; the most egregiously pathetic aspect of this whole situation is that, once they have turned to the government for help, and the government has agreed to help them, the bankers cannot apparently even figure out how much they need!  I mean, as I may have mentioned, I'm no expert on bank regulation--and what I don't know about finance could fill a book (specifically, a book about finance)--but if someone said to me, "Hey, I'm going to give you money to settle up all your outstanding financial commitments," I could tell them off the bat how much I need!  I certainly wouldn't be "off" by about 500 freakin' percent!

In a scandal that the Italian press has dubbed "Vatileaks," a number of confidential documents detailing papal finances and other internal communications have been released to the public.  Who leaked the documents?   Paolo Gabriele, the Pope's butler, has been arrested.  So, yes, according to the authorities, the butler did it.  No word on whether it was on a dark and stormy night.

Finally, Miralax, a laxative for adults, is extremely popular among parents of young children.  Many parents dispense Miralax as part of a daily regimen to help chronically constipated children, presumably because it's easier than convincing them to eat a piece of broccoli.  So far, no harmful side effects have popped up, but people are understandably leery of overmedicating children.

I admit, my exposure has been limited, but given what I've heard about the abundance of poopy diapers in the world, I was shocked to hear that childhood constipation had reached such epidemic proportions as to make the front page of the New York Times.

You're welcome, Nation!

If You Like It, Then You Better Put a Label on It

People often deride genetically modified (GM) food or food that contains genetically-modified organisms (GMO) as "Frankenfood."  Surely, I'm not the only one who thinks that calling it "Frankenfood" makes it sound cool?

Consumer groups have long demanded that the FDA require food manufacturers to clearly label their products that include GMOs, efforts that manufacturers have strenuously--and so far successfully--resisted.  The manufacturers fear that consumers will avoid products containing GMOs, despite the fact that there has been no clear evidence that these foods are dangerous; indeed, manufacturers tout the benefits of GM foods.

Considering the fact that consumers, unless they religiously buy only the most organic of organic products, have likely been eating GM products for some time, and considering the additional fact that some light internet research can reveal whether someone's favorite foodstuffs contain GMOs whether or not the manufacturers label the products, thes resistance to labelling makes no sense.  Indeed, it's counterproductive: The more food manufacturers resist labels, the less consumers will accept at face value that there is nothing to worry about.  If there is nothing to hide, why hide it?

Nebraska Man Realizes Rush Limbaugh Is a Fucking Idiot

Insurance claims adjuster Franklin Tinsley, 37, of Arapahoe, Nebraska, on Wednesday became the final person in the United States to discover that Rush Limbaugh is a fucking idiot.

"I have to admit, I'm a little embarrassed," Tinsley said in a telephone interview from his office.  "I've always considered myself a pretty well-informed guy.  I read the papers, watch the news. . . . Of course I'd heard people talk about Rush Limbaugh.  Call him an idiot and so forth.  I guess it just never sank in."

Tinsley, a self-described conservative Republican, explained that, in principle, he agrees with most of Limbaugh's policy proposals.  "Yeah, I've listened to his show.  And I admit there were times that I had a problem with the way he was expressing himself.  Didn't seem particularly Christian, if you know what I mean?  I thought maybe he was just trying to stir things up.  It seriously never occurred to me that he was just a complete and utter fucking idiot."

Tinsley's realization did not come, as you might expect, from any of Limbaugh's more notorious outbursts--his recent moronic diatribe against Georgetown Law student Sandra Fluke, for example, or his insanely ill-informed accusation that President Obama wanted to kill Christians because he had sent US troops to assist in the hunt for African warlord Joseph Kony.  Rather, Tinsley says he was just performing some simple household chores when it hit him:

"I don't really know what it was.  I was just washing the dishes, looking out the window, not really thinking about anything in particular, when all of a sudden I was like, 'Good lord!  Rush Limbaugh is just a king-size, no-doubt-about-it, grade-A fucking idiot!'"

Asked if he had heard of Al Franken's book Rush Limbaugh Is a Big, Fat Idiot, Tinsley said he had not.  "The title makes sense, though, because that man--Rush Limbaugh--is a fucking idiot.  I must say, though, I really can't approve of Senator Franken making fun of the man's weight."

Despite his revelation, Tinsley says he continues to support the broader Republican agenda.  Still, this experience has made him wary about other celebrated members of the party establishment.  "I mean, if Rush Limbaugh is a fucking idiot--and now that I think about it, kind a douche bag--who else might be a little weak in the thinking department?  Romney?  Boehner?  Who knows?"

"I guess you really just can't be too sure about anybody these days," Tinsley said.  "Hey--have you guys heard anything bad about Sarah Palin?"

Lexicographers Confirm Removal of "Gullible" from Dictionary

TERRE HAUTE, IN--After a week-long symposium held behind closed doors, the Dictionary Society of North America confirmed its decision to have the word "gullible" immediately expunged from all dictionaries.

Mel Stockton, a spokesman for the society, explained at a press conference that DSNA had decided that the word served no major purpose in common usage.  "We decided that the word 'gullible' had. . .uh. . .  outlived its . . .um. . . usefulness.  Excuse me for a moment."  At this point Stockton ducked his head below the podium, and several of the gathered reporters swore they heard snickering.

When will these changes take effect?  "Oh, immediately," replied Stockton.  "I mean, uh, it's already happened. . . You should. . . You should all totally check out a dictionary right away!  Seriously!"

At this point, Mr. Stockton ran offstage, inexplicably cackling.

I'm Going to Miss That Grumpy Cripple

All things being equal, the "House" series finale was pretty good.  Not the best I've ever seen--"Newhart" or "Star Trek: The Next Generation"--but far from the worst--"The X-Files," followed closely by "Seinfeld."  Let's say that "House" settles nicely into the "M*A*S*H"/"Cheers"-level of finale quality: a bit melancholy, sure, but overall satisfying.  I'm glad we didn't actually have to watch Wilson die.  My only real complaint: I was hoping for a Cuddy sighting; realistically, would Lisa Cuddy not have shown up at House's funeral--if only to make sure he was actually dead?  (That must have been some nasty contract dispute.)

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Some have wondered whether Hugh Laurie will ever escape this iconic character, but he has a major advantage over other typecast actors: that accent.  I caught as little of the pre-show "House" retrospective as possible, but, still, when I saw (or, more relevantly, heard) Hugh Laurie chatting with Robert Sean Leonard in this deep, Oxonian register, even I had a hard time remembering that this was the same man who's been playing the adenoidal Greg House for the last eight years--and I've always known he was British.  If/when he wants to do other shows in the States, all he has to do is use his regular voice.  I can hear the viewers now: "Man, this guy really looks like the guy who played House!  Must be related."

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The saddest thing about all this is that "House" was about the last high-quality drama on network TV.  I'm sure this will be a temporary situation, though.  I mean, look: Fox already has "House"'s replacement all ready to roll:  "The Mob Doctor". . . .

God, I'm depressed.

That Seems Gratuitous

"The damage was irreparable. The former intelligence agent, Yu Junshi, rushed home and stuffed a bag with 1.2 million renminbi, or nearly $200,000, to take to a bank with Ma Biao, the other businessman, known for his girth." ("Leader's Fall in China Put Allies in Peril")

"Known for his girth"? Was that absolutely necessary?  The answer, by the way, is No, it wasn't necessary--at least based on the remainder of the article, which in no way refers again to Mr. Ma's "girth."

Perhaps this reflects a change in the Times's editorial policies; perhaps from now on people featured in news articles will all have such questionable descriptive details added: "The unnaturally-tinged Speaker of the House, John Boehner, known for a propensity to weep like a depressive toddler, today introduced a bill re-authorizing the defense department. . . ."  "Actress and singer Jennifer Lopez, known for her spectacular backside, signed on to star in an upcoming Stephen Soderbergh film. . . " "Former President George W. Bush, a moron, traveled to Canada over the weekend. . . ."

Maybe this was an editorial oversight.  Perhaps in an earlier draft, the reporter included a paragraph's worth of fat jokes that got left out of the final version:  "Ma Biao is so fat!  When he gets onto a China Air flight, he's sitting next to everybody!"  "When Ma Biao sits around the Great Wall of China, he sits around the Great Wall of China!"  "Ma Biao so fat, he joined the Communist Party 'cause he thought they'd be serving cake!"  "Ma Biao so fat, Chinese Buddhists worship him!"

(WOS: Are you done yet?

(SOL: Uh. . . One more!)

"You know Ma Biao had some special fortune cookies made up?  They all say, 'You will eat another cookie!'"

(WOS: You're really obsessed with this, huh?

(SOL: Yeah, a little.)

It's All a Popularity Contest--Thank God!

Joe Ricketts, billionaire owner of the Chicago Cubs "baseball team," made news last week because of a since-abandoned plan to finance an ad campaign, in which voters were to have been reminded of connections between President Obama and incendiary preacher Jeremiah Wright.  Outrage over this blatant race-baiting forced Ricketts to renounce this campaign.  Smart move.

But who thought this was a good idea in the first place?  Times Columnist Frank Bruni quotes a memo prepared for Ricketts, in which consultants who worked on the campaign express frustration that the American people "still aren't ready to hate this President."  Bruni goes on to lament the incivility implicit in that memo, and the general scorched-earth nature of American politics, which demands personal demonization of one's enemies rather than mere disagreement with one's rival's policies.

With all due respect to Frank Bruni, though, Ricketts' consultants had exactly the right idea.  We can lament this reality all we want, but the truth is that electoral politics truly is a popularity contest.  I used to think this was glib oversimplification, but it occurred to me after reading Bruni's piece that, at least since television became a driving force in presidential politics, the more likable candidate has always won.  The dashing Kennedy beat the dour Nixon.  Affable Ronald Reagan beat Jimmy Carter (likable enough, but kind of a dweeb) and Walter Mondale.  Good ol' Bill Clinton beat Bush I and Bob Dole.  And as much as I despise George W. Bush for what he did to this country, as much as I consider him arguably the wort President in American history, he was more personally "likable" than either the robotic Al Gore or the cadaverous John Kerry.

Exceptions?  Well, it was before my time, but from what I understand, Lyndon Johnson was not exactly Mr. Warmth. Which to me just suggests how far beyond the pale Barry Goldwater must have been.  Had he survived, does anyone seriously doubt that Bobby Kennedy would have beaten Rochard Nixon?  And as for George H. W. Bush vs. Michael Dukakis?  Well, neither of them was exactly what you would call the life of the party.

Which brings us to Barack Obama.  He was certainly more likable than crusty old John McCain.  And even now, with the exception of lunatic-fringe, right-wing birthers, most people--even if they dislike Obama's policies or think he's done a lousy job--like and respect Barack Obama.  Why wouldn't they?  He's young(ish), attractive, cool, smart, and--to borrow a line from "Malcolm in the Middle"--I'm just gonna say it, he gets two points for being black.

For all I know, Mitt Romney may be a perfectly pleasant man at home.  He may be the life of the wine-and-cheese party--well, except since he's a Mormon, it would be the grape-juice-and-cheese party--and see, that's what I mean!  He's boring!  Ultimately, Romney faces the unenviable task of trying to get Americans to accept wrong-headed, retrograde policies.  The good news is, he probably won't succeed; the bad news is, if he were only a little more likable, he would.