Depp-artment of Redundancies Department

An open letter to Vanity Fair:

I enjoy your magazine and all, but could we please have a moratorium on Johnny Depp cover photos:

(And while we're at it: No more Kennedys or Marilyn Monroe pictures either!)

Love,

The Solipsist

A Bit of Misplaced Hostility to Start the Weekend Right

Another open letter, this time to my Words-with-Friends-playing friends:

I've never taken sides in the "Coke vs. Pepsi" debate: Whatever's brown and bubbly works for me.  Honestly, I'm more of a diet root beer kind of guy altogether.  Paper or plastic?  Same thing.  I don't care, as long as you're not one of those self-righteous, tree-hugging envirobots with the reusable cloth carry-all, acting oh-so-superior as you waddle about in your handmade hemp overalls, driving your chicken-fat powered go-kart to the Whole Foods and recycling your own urine for hot-water bottles on cold winter nights, GOD YOU ALL MAKE ME SICK!  I JUST WANT TO--

Sorry, where was I?  Oh, yeah.

While you can embrace neutrality on any number of subjects, some things are either/or, black or white.  Like "black" and "white," for instance.  You're either PC or Mac, Mets or Yankees, toilet paper or twigs--not "either" and NEVER "both."

So it is with Scrabble and Words with Friends.  I am a Scrabble man.  I care not for the bells and whistles and dancing pandas of Words With Friends.  Call me old-fashioned, call me an online version of crossword-based board-games purist, call me irresponsible, just call me!  But don't call me to play Words with Friends.  I will not accept the invitation.  I will not play.

Understand, friends, it's nothing personal.  I will gladly play Scrabble with you any time.  It's certainly not that I don't consider you "Friends."  I simply consider you idiots.

Love,

Solipsist

Thursday Trendwatch

Here are the top-trending topics on Yahoo! as of 5:45 PST:

10. UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS: The Senate has rejected President Obama's jobs bill, and unless something happens soon, millions of Americans will start to see their unemployment benefits disappear.  I don't think Congress understands the true ramifications of the situation.  Unless people start finding jobs soon, they're liable to start doing anything--ANYTHING--just to keep themselves occupied.  Including blogging!  And I've got enough competition as it is!  (Hell, I can't even garner a small percentage of the followers of someone who does nothing but talk in his sleep!)

9. DIE HARD 5: An Al-Qaeda-esque terrorist group (all of whom are British, though, so as not to inflame, um, public opinion) takes over the senior center where John McClane (Bruce Willis) has taken up residence.  We're especially looking forward to the extended fight sequence involving shuffleboard equipment.

8. PENNY STOCKS: An awesome name for an actress who does corporate porn.  It's a legitimate genre!

7. RICHARD GERE: The world's most famous Buddhist-- What's that?  Dolly who?  Sorry, where was I?  Ah, yes, the world's most famous Buddhist sold his impressive collection of guitars for close to $1 million, which he will donate to charity.  I hope he saves a little to pay for another weekend with Julia Roberts.

6. FANTASIA BARRINO: Another awesome name for a corporate porn star, the former American Idol--or is that a lifetime title?--has revealed the sex of her unborn child (male).  These celebrity kids!  Not even BORN and already having sex!

5. LEUKEMIA DRUGS: Bristol-Myers has a new two-drug combo that may help treat a hard-to-treat form of leukemia, but the FDA says that the treatment may raise the risk of lung problems.  Damned if you do, gasping if you don't.

4. JANET JACKSON: "According to The Smoking Gun, the legal document stipulates that should any comedians open for the performer, jokes about her family are off limits."  As I have always wanted to open for Janet Jackson, I will end this comment here.





3. HARRY BELAFONTE: Everyone's favorite recipient of tallied bananas has released his memoir, My Song, in which he reveals that he's always really preferred polkas to calypso.

2. ELIZABETH TAYLOR JEW: I always suspected that!  Sure, she had those classic shiksa looks, but still!  Now it can be told!  Now, we know--what?  Oh.  Ahem:

2. ELIZABETH TAYLOR JEWELRY:  Never mind.

And the number one trendiest topic of this moment in the time-space continuum. . . .

1. DANICA PATRICK: What's interesting about this topic is that, if you click it, you get to a link to a "Danica Patrick Weight Loss Program."  If you click THAT link, you get to an article about celebrity weight-loss programs that literally does not mention the lovely Ms. Patrick AT ALL.  Frankly, as good as Danica Patrick looks, an "athlete" whose "sport" essentially requires sitting in traffic would hardly seem an ideal spokesperson for a weight-loss regimen.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, my corporate-porn name is Junk Bonds.

But What Have You Done for Us Lately?

An open letter to the Chilean miners:

It's been a year since you made your triumphant ascent  Around the world, we watched, transfixed, throughout your ordeal: trapped for months hundreds of feet below the surface of the earth.  And not even good ol' American earth, either: Chilean earth!  We shared your joy and the joy of your families as you rose triumphantly in those FABULOUS sunglasses.  We eagerly await the inevitable Hollywood extravaganza and hope the producers lock down Antonio Banderas and Jimmy Smits to play ALL of you ('cause, frankly, they're the only two Latino actors any of us have ever heard of).  But, frankly, it's time for you to show us some love again.

Look, don't think we all don't appreciate your noble story of salvation in the face of horrifying odds.  But it has been a year.  While you were off "recovering" from "trauma" and "horror" in your cushy psychiatric hospitals, the world hasn't stood still.  Lots of other things have happened to feed our unending need for distraction.  There was a revolution in Egypt!  We killed Bin Laden!  A transsexual performed on "Dancing with the Stars"!

All I'm saying is this: If you want us to keep caring, you really need to do something.  I'm not saying you need to go out and kill Bin Laden, but one of you could get a sex-change and go on "Dancing with the Stars."  Or at least get stuck in an elevator.  Something!

Love,

Solipsist
 

 Don't you think it's time you all stepped up a little?  Could you at least get stuck in an elevator?  Or maybe a traffic jam?  We all need some inspiration.

Why Don't You Just TEACH Them?

My first teaching-type job was tutoring at the Hunter College Writing Center, a peer-tutoring program wherein students helped students with all manner of writing difficulties.  Sometimes, while we tutors sat around waiting for cloients, we would bemoan the fact that so many of the students we worked with lacked even the most basic grasp of English grammar.  Overhearing this, our supervisor would often chime in, "Well, then, why don't you TEACH them?"

It's a simple question that bears consideration.  Because the bemoaning-impulse never completely goes away.  But impatient behavior acceptable on the part of relatively inexperienced tutors new to the education racket, should not be so blithely overlooked when engaged in by professional teachers.

Every semester, teachers glance over students' diagnostic writings and feel their spirits sink.  Every semester, students seem to get worse.  "Oh my goodness golly," they exclaim, "these students don't know anything about writing!"  Well of course they don't!  That's why they're here!

I have made it a point never to despair over my students' early semester writings, and I encourage my fellow educators to do the same.  There are any number of reasons why those first writing samples may be underwhelming.  Students may not take early-semester writings--especially of the "diagnostic" sort--seriously.  They may be tired.  They may even be in need of some serious writing instruction.  But don't complain: Just TEACH them.

Monday Miscellany

Physician Heal Thyself--No, Really, HEAL THYSELF!

Dr. Ralph Steinman last week received the Nobel Prize in medicine for his ground-breaking work in immunology.

"But Dr. Steinman would never see the message nor learn of the prize. He died of pancreatic cancer on Friday, three days before the phone call from the Nobel committee. He had been battling the highly deadly disease for four years, using a treatment he devised to try to prolong his life, essentially turning his body into an extension of his research."

So basically he won the Nobel Prize for failing miserably.

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Are You Ready for Some Treason?

Hank Williams, Jr., was fired from his gig as America's official football-readier for his comments on Fox about President Obama.  The specific comment that got everyone all fired up was when he compared Obama's playing gold with House Speaker John Boehner to "Hitler playing gold with Netanyahu."  While obnoxious, this was not the worst comment that Williams made; after all, one could argue that Williams' comments were ambiguous: Perhaps Boehner was Hitler in the equation.

Far more serious, though, was the fact that Williams went on to state that Obama and Biden were "the enemy."  Think about that: Here is an American--a famous American--declaring on national television that the President--HIS President--is "the enemy."

Now, I hated George W. Bush, and I hated Dick Cheney--scratch that, I STILL hate Bush and Cheney.  But I would not go on record declaring myself their "enemy." Certainly if I were a public figure, I would not declare to a national audience, some of whom have a (pathetically misplaced) allegiance to me, that these men are "the" enemy.

When the next Jared Loughner guns down the next Gabrielle Giffords, let's hear Fox News again distance themselves from responsibility.

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A Rose by Any Other Name Is Still a Day Off from Work

It's an American tradition to rename holidays when the initial impetus for their celebration goes out of fashion.  Thus, Armistice Day became Veteran's Day when peace became gauche.  Decoration Day becaome Memorial Day around the time wallpaper went out of style.  And of course National Kitten-Drowning Day became Christmas.  Isn't it about time Columbus Day became National Immigration Day.  Or at least, National Celebration-of-Empire Day?

Of course, it's harder to change the name of a holiday named after a person, even when sordid truths about the honoree come to light.  OK, St. Patrick was a drunk, MLK liked the ladies, and George Washington was a cannibal.  It's just too hard to push those changes through.

I'll Take the Pro-Life Pinky-Swear

The president of the right-wing advocacy group Americans for Tax Reform, Grover Norquist (who, in a stunning upset, was recently named the single-most annoying "Grover" ever), has a mission: He wants politicians to sign his pledge promising that, if elected, they will under no circumstances introduce or raise taxes.  On a recent episode of "The Colbert Report," Stephen Colbert asked Norquist what he would do if terrorists threatened to kill everybody's "Nana" unless taxes were raised slightly on the richest one per-cent of Americans.  Norquist said something to the effect that Nana had had a good run.

You've got to admire intellectual consistency.

Of course, Colbert posed the question as a joke, and one should give Norquist the benefit of the doubt. Surely he was playing along for laughs, right?  Right?

At any rate, Norquist's opposition to taxes is beside the point.  He's a right-wing zealot, and he's entitled to his opinion.  But what about this whole "pledge" thing.  What, exactly, is the point?  From a political perspective, signing's a no-brainer--at least for those who want the imprimatur of a major conservative organization: You sign the pledge, you get Norquist's endorsement (and presumably access to his Rolodex of well-heeled co-religionists).  Since, as a good conservative, you likely oppose tax increases anyway, why wouldn't you do this?

At the same time, the pledge is completely non-binding.  It's not like you get expelled from office or jailed or flogged if you break it.  (Now THAT would be interesting!)  Sure once you're in office, if you break the pledge and support some form of tax increase, you can expect to suffer consequences from Norquist and his ilk in subsequent elections.  But you will suffer these consequences anyway if you support tax increases whether you originally signed the pledge or not.  As a smart politician (not an oxymoron), you sign the pledge and then do whatever you're going to do anyway: You have no need to buy Norquist's cow when he's already given you the milk for free.  Or, to put it another way, once you leave the $20 on Norquist's nightstand, you really don't owe him anything else.

All these right-wing loons tell you incessantly that Washington (i.e., professional politicians) is corrupt and evil and untrustworthy.  But somehow they believe that getting people to sign a non-binding pledge, which they obviously do for the sole reason of sucking up to potential voters in a naked bid for electoral success, will sufficiently convince these "corrupt" politicians to keep their word.  If Norquist believes this, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell him cheap--I'll even sign a pledge to do so.