Quote of the Day

"The grind of the drive [to work from the suburbs of Washington] provokes such frustration that commuters do odd things to stay calm. One commuter waiting for a ride at a meeting point here said that one driver had become notorious among the regulars — 'the puppet guy,' who apparently used hand puppets to act out arguments to manage his anger over being stuck in traffic."

We think we need to get WOS some hand puppets.

(WOS: I HEARD THAT!!!)

Help us.

Solipsistography
"Once Popular, Carpools Go the Way of Hitchhiking"

More Undeserved Bailouts

Take heart, Nation! Your faith in humanity is not misplaced. Consider the case of Gil Meche.

Meche is a mediocre Major League pitcher. Some years back, the Kansas City Royals inexplicably decided to lavish a major portion of their extremely limited payroll (the Yankees they ain't) to sign Meche as a free agent. They signed him to a guaranteed five-year, $55 million contract before the 2007 season, despite his frankly unspectacular record with the Seattle Mariners. After some injury-plagued seasons, Meche announced the other day that he would retire, rather than collect the $12 million due him this season. Because realistically he could not pitch at anywhere close to peak performance, Meche felt it would be wrong to accept the exorbitant salary that the Royals would have been obligated to pay him--particularly since the team had already paid him more than $40 million over the last four years.

Mr. Meche, your self-respect is exemplary. This act of civility and, frankly, generosity takes our breath away, and we can think of only one appropriate response:

What are you, a moron?!?

It must be nice to have the luxury to walk away from $12 million, but, still, IT'S TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS!!! When the Royals offered you this contract, they showed the kind of sound business judgment we've come to associate with Lehman Brothers, but that's hardly your fault. They were prepared to pay you; they were obligated to pay you. If you would have felt bad about accepting "undeserved" money, you could have donated your paychecks to charity.

All you've done is let a baseball team--a big business even if it is the Royals--off the hook for what turned out to be a calamitous financial decision. It's one thing for the government to bail out spendthrift corporations. Why should the employees have to bear the brunt?

Solipsistography

"Pitcher Spurns $12 Million, to Keep Self-Respect"

Deconstructing Lucy

The Solipsist congratulates Mary-Lu Zahalan-Kennedy (of the Oakville, Ontario, Zahalan-Kennedys) for being the first person in the world to complete a masters degree in Beatles studies (not to be confused with a masters in beetles studies, which has been attained by any number of entomologists). We would also like to chastise Ms. Zahalan-Kennedy for being Canadian, but perhaps with her higher education she will now be able to find a job in the developed world.

Offered by Hope University in (where else?) Liverpool, the MA in Beatles studies is hardly frivolous, nor is the curriculum confined strictly to the Beatles' catalog. Candidates must complete coursework in understanding popular music (the final exam requires students to correctly identify at least 70% of the lyrics to "Louie, Louie"); the history of Liverpool ('cause apparently it existed before the Beatles); Beatles musicology; and historical and critical approaches to the Fab Four.

The first question most people ask is, "What are the job prospects for someone with an MA in the Beatles?" We don't ask that question: It's patronizing. If Ms. Zahalan-Kennedy had completed a masters in the work of, say, Mozart or Beethoven, far fewer eyebrows would be raised. The Beatles have certainly had as great an impact on modern culture as any musicians. So the simple answer to the first question is that Ms. Zahalan-Kennedy's job prospects are just as good as those of anyone with any masters in any musical field: slim to non-existent.

The better question, though, is, if she is the first person to complete a masters degree in Beatles' studies, who the heck were her professors? Unless Paul and Ringo showed up to explain the cultural significance of what they were doing, we can't help but think that Ms. Zahalan-Kennedy got scammed.

Solipsistography

eCanadaNow.com

Hope University, Liverpool

If You Love Tomato Sauce So Much, Why Don't You Marry It?

Watching TV the other day, we noticed, at the end of a commercial for Ragu spaghetti sauce, a Facebook symbol. This got us to wondering. Facebook? Ragu? Now, we know it's become de rigeur (which is French for "de rigeur") for any self-respecting corporation to establish a social-networking presence. We further understand why people would "friend" some of these entities. Non-profit corporations would attract supporters of whatever cause the corporation unprofitably promotes. And as for commercial entities, we understand why someone might want to "friend," say, a car company (e.g., for service updates) or an airline (e.g., for special fares). But who would want to befriend spaghetti sauce?

The Solipsist, that's who!

Today, we added "Ragu" to our Facebook, and, much to our delight, we were accepted! We had immediate access to all things Ragu! And what, you may ask, is happening on Ragu's wall? Well, a couple of Raguistas (as we imagine we would demand to be called) are involved in a withering critique of those who would mistake tomato's [sic] for vegetables. Apparently, they are responding to another horticulturally illiterate follower who made the mistake of thanking Ragu for "having 4 tomatoes in EACH bottle! helps peeps KNOW the importance of veggies!! ;)" (OK, she may not know her fruity ass from her vegetably elbow, but at least she can spell.)

Kindly, the good folks at Ragu have included a tab on their page--"Tomatoes?"--where we find out that, in fact, tomatoes can be considered vegetables. We quote:

"The word vegetable lacks scientific definition and is prone to subjectivity. Modern society commonly classifies tomatoes as vegetables primarily due to the fact that vegetable is a culinary term that depends on how the food will be used."

As further evidence, Ragu informs us that, in 1893, the Supreme Court ruled that a tomato is a vegetable (it's an often overlooked clause in the Dred Scott decision). We think they push the argument too far by explaining that the tomato is the official state vegetable of Arkansas. We think Clinton probably pushed that one through so he could claim he was getting a proper serving of vegetables when he got extra ketchup on his Big Mac. (We still love you, President Bill.)

We have a bit of advice for our new "friends" at Ragu. Reconsider the labeling of the tab "Tomatoes?" It seems too much like something someone might say after tasting the sauce.

Solipsistography

You, too, can become a Raguista! Just check out their Facebook page.

We Want Our FTV

The latest trend among the recently deceased and those who loved them is streaming video of funeral services. No longer the province solely of the famous (e.g., Michael Jackson) or monumentally strange (e.g., Michael Jackson), now any (dead) Tom, Dick, or Harry can have their passing mourned and/or celebrated by a virtual worldwide audience.

Frankly, there's nothing particularly shocking in the development of online funerals: We live in a virtual age. Our friends and loved ones are scattered across the country and around the world. (Well, not OUR friends and loved ones; we have only enemies, worshippers, and irate creditors, but you get the idea.) It probably comforts people to know that--were they to drop dead tomorrow--their Facebook "friends" could in some way pay their last respects and receive whatever closure they need to receive.

The interesting tidbit, to us, is that, while some online funerals are "invitation only," a large number (94% in the case of one provider) are not password protected. Theoretically, then, one could simply sit back and stream "funerals." Bored at work? Why not give the funny cat videos a rest and check out the service for Edna Calabash (74) of Nunplunk, Wyoming?

Can a funeral go viral? If so, could the family sell ad space?

Solipsistography
"For Funerals Too Far, Mourners Gather on the Web"

More Bang for Your Buck

Those who wish to repeal the recently passed healthcare reform law have philosophical objections to what they perceive as governmental "overreach." They believe that market-based solutions are best. Yesterday, an article announced that the federal government was going to spend approximately a billion dollars on a center to develop new drugs. Why? Because drug companies "have neither the will nor the resources to undertake the effort" to develop drugs for things like Parkinson's disease.

Really? Maybe if the drug companies spent a little less money on marketing--which typically costs the companies twice as much as research--they might have more "resources" to spend on developing drugs for pernicious diseases. Apparently they don't have the "will" to do that.

We applaud the government's efforts to support important research into potentially life-saving medications. The part that bothers us is the ultimate commercialization of the efforts:

“None of this is intended to be competitive with the private sector,” Dr. [Francis S.]Collins [the Director of the National Institutes of Health] said. “The hope would be that any project that reaches the point of commercial appeal would be moved out of the academic support line and into the private sector.”

So, if we read this correctly, with this new center, the government will do the heavy lifting--the research that the drug companies, despite enormous profits, don't want to do. Then, once the research is completed--or at least once the huge payout is within easy reach--the government turns things over to the drug companies. They can then efficiently spend even more of their budgets to market back to the consumers the drugs that their own tax dollars have helped to develop.

Solipsistography
"Federal Research Center Will Help Develop Medicines"

Ugh

That's all. Ugh.