Word of the Day: Unnatural

If a woman under the age of 30 gives birth, odds are the kid is a little bastard (or the female equivalent thereof) ("For Women Under 30, Most Births Occur Outside Marriage").  Not that we go around anymore condemning these wanton harlots bringing their illegitimate bundles of shame into the world.  Alas, such is "progress."  America awaits breathlessly the inevitable gusting from Hurricane Santorum about this latest sign of the nation's moral depravity.

I've never bought into the whole fetishization of marriage as a cure for society's ills.  Don't get me wrong: Some of my best friends are married.  And I do think children generally benefit from having two parents, scientists not having worked out all the kinks of parthenogenesis.  But I can't quite see why we should particularly care that a majority of women under 30 are having kids out of wedlock.

Conservatives see in the growing numbers of out-of-wedlock births a sign of society's collapse.  They point to single-parenting as a culprit in everything from children's diminishing academic achievements to rising crime to economic malaise.  Of course, economic malaise, at least, is as much a cause of out-of-wedlock births as it is a result: Women see fewer "marriageable" men--in terms of their mates' financial prospects--and make rational economic decisions not to commit themselves to what may well be a bad investment.

Interestingly, many of the conservatives who will no doubt decry this news are the same people who will also condemn such things as homosexuality as "unnatural."  I mention this because it occurs to me that, compared to the institution of marriage, homosexuality (as well as out-of-wedlock birth) is extremely natural: Creatures with (natural) urges for sex will satisfy those urges in whatever way is most pleasing to them--indeed, examples of "homosexuality" in the animal world are, if not common, certainly documented.  If right-wingers feel concern about behavior that goes against "nature," they should celebrate both homosexual behavior and this news about out-of-wedlock births and condemn the unnatural institution of marriage.  Puffins do not marry.  Man is the only animal that signs a pre-nup.

WOS's Wise Words of the Week

WOS (To the Solipsist, speaking about some actor): You know, that guy's just really funny.  If anybody else did that, it would come across as creepy; he'd look like a child molestor!  But when he does it, it's just endearing and funny.  He's like you!  You get away with all kinds of crap that normal people wouldn't.

Solipsist: Um. . .

WOS: What?  YOU think you're normal?  Seriously?

Solipsist: Um. . .

Thursday Trendwatch

It's been a few weeks, but the Trendwatch is back.  Let's see what we've been missing:

First off, as we've always suspected, organic food will kill your baby!  That's because "Big Vegan" just looooves it some arsenic.  Turns out that organic brown rice syrup, an ingredient in many organic all-natural baby foods, may contain amounts of arsenic far in excess of the federally recommended amounts.  Kind of disconcerting to discover that there IS a federally recommended amount of arsenic, but I guess arsenic is the new riboflavin.  Anyway, BABY FOOD ARSENIC (10) kind of makes high fructose corn syrup sound not so bad.

Ready for some good news?  OIL PRICES (9) held steady!  Of course, that was only after they surged earlier this week on news that Iran might cut off European supplies.  Even so, we're happy to report a story with the word "surge" in it that doesn't involve Santorum--of any definition.

A new study suggests a relationship between SLEEP AND ALZHEIMER'S (8).  Specifically, people who wake up frequently during the night may be at higher risk of the disease.  Great!  I have always had a problem sleeping through the night.

Also, a new study suggests a relationship between SLEEP AND ALZHEIMER'S (8).  Specifically, people who wake up frequently during the night may be at higher risk of the disease.  Great!  I have always had a problem sleeping through the night.  (That joke just NEVER gets old.)

The Kennedys are trendy again!  Were they ever not?  JOSEPH KENNEDY III (7) is running for Congress, while JACKIE KENNEDY (6) is still dead.  Her White House Tour special turns 50, though, so her vital hold on American culture continues.  ALCOHOLISM (5) is also trendy, but that may just be a coattail effect from the whole Kennedy thing.

CISSY HOUSTON (4), Whitney's mom, is "devastated" over her daughter's death.  This is what passes for journalism these days?  In an equally shocking story, a majority of women surveyed find George Clooney "handsome."

In honor of President's weekend, the San Francisco area will experience a BAY BRIDGE CLOSING (3) this weekend.  San Francisco department stores anticipate a profitable weekend and are advertising major discounts on items that no one will be able to get to.

JULIA ROBERTS (2) and Meryl Streep will play a mother-daughter pair in a film adaptation of "August: Osage County."  Only Julia Roberts, though, is trendy.  Had Meryl gone ahead with the original plan, in which she would have played both roles, as well as the role of Winston Churchill (written into the screenplay just to give Streep the chance at a Best Supporting Actor Oscar)., she might have made the cut.

Finally, the top spot on the Trendwatch goes to none other than MONICA LEWINSKY (1).  Because, like the Trendwatch itself, illicit presidential fellatio just never goes out of style.
 

HE Will Say He Was Being Ironic, But We Know the Truth. . .

Today, I logged onto Facebook and saw this rather lengthy status update from ACOS:

"I am about to do a mass delete of my Facebook friends.  I have a large number of friends from an online game that I no longer play because it is a massive time-suck [I'm paraphrasing] that has caused me to neglect my wife, children--a second one was apparently born sometime in the last seven months and I didn't even realize it!  Her name is Abigail--and job--suppliers have threatened to break my legs if I don't remit payment in the next four minutes [I may be embellishing].  Anyway, I'm getting rid of all these online friends, but, if you're reading this, it's because I don't want to delete you, SO, if you don't see another status update from me in the next hour or so, I probably deleted you accidentally.  Just send me a friend request if that happens."

Now, ACOS is an intelligent sort.  He has an MBA.  He's actually one of those "job-creators" we've all heard so much about lately (as opposed to the rest of us, who, I guess, are "job-doers"--but I digress).  I mention that so you will have the proper context for his NEXT status update, posted about thirty minutes later:

"Deletion done.  If you don't see this status, please let me know."

Valentine Miscellany

It's been a busy couple of days.  Sorry about all the random bits of miscellany I've subjected you to.  But here's another:

A Possible Beginning for a Love Story:

Fred and Amanda seemed perfect for each other.  Both from California, both possessing astrological signs, both carbon-based life-forms.  On paper, they were a perfect match.  But Fred could think of so few venues where the entire date could take place on paper.  There was, of course, Nelson's Magical Puppy Xperience, but Fred didn't know how Amanda would feel about frolicking and exploring her "inner puppy"--especially as it might involve public urination.  Perhaps he could arrange a traditional dinner date, but make sure that he and Amanda remained on paper at all times.  He would need a lot of paper: a large-ish piece of oak tab, at least.  Thinking of oak tab took Fred back to the fourth grade, where his teacher, Mrs. Lentil, had a penchant for assigning large-scale projects that had to be presented on oak tab paper.  Fred had failed his project on "Spices of the World," when the school janitor, Bob, stole all the spice samples Fred had carefully attached to a 4' x 4' slab of oak tab.  They later found Bob in the tool shed, attempting to smoke cumin, but by then it was too late for Fred's grade.  He had been phobic about spices ever since.

Douglas Adams Was Right

We live, according to yesterday's Times, in the age of Big Data.  Every day, with every Facebook "Like" and YouTube click, we contribute to an ever-expanding universe of facts and figures.  Collectively, humanity is generating a gargantuan trove of searchable, compilable, categorizable information.  No doubt, if we were to crunch every number, every statistic, we could, in fact, quantify the fundamental value at the heart of existence, proving, once and for all, that the answer to the question of life, the universe, and everything is, indeed, 42.

Why I'm Voting for Romney--Or Maybe Santorum

I give up.

Seriously, I've had it.  For years, I've been howling into the wilderness, trying to explain why the whole Republican agenda will destroy America.  I have used logic, rhetoric, humor.  I have devoted God knows how many pointless hours and how much energy--hours and energy that I am never getting back--to worrying over the direction the Tea Party is dragging this flawed but well-meaning country.  And it's just not worth it!

Today's Times features a lengthy front-page article all about all the federal financial benefits that go to some of the most vocal anti-government zealots ("Even Critics of Safety Net Increasingly Depend on It").  The article focuses on the residents of Chisago County, Minnesota, whose residents were largely responsible for sending a vocal Tea Party-type, Chip Cravaack, to congress last year.  While the residents of Chisago are not, generally, "poor" (at least by federal poverty standards), they do struggle to make ends meet.  Federal money helps residents there pay for everything from school activities to medical care to daily living expenses.  At the same time, when asked whether such spending is a good idea, many residents say it is not.  Nor should taxes be raised on anybody.

I suppose I should thank these folks.  After all, I live in a state (California) that constantly pays more per capita in federal taxes than it receives in federal services.  Interestingly, the article points out that it is the residents of states like California and New York--net losers when it comes to federal support--who consistently advocate policies designed to strengthen the federal safety net.  Meantime, many residents of Chisago County say they neither need nor want these services.  I could point out that, in many cases, they could simply choose not to use these services, but somehow that doesn't seem to be happening.

What's amusing about these folks' reluctance to raise taxes on anybody is that, in many cases, they are not paying any taxes to begin with.  Many of them receive the earned-income tax credit, which actually means they get money back from the federal government at tax time--and not a refund, either; effectively, they pay negative taxes.

You know how Tea Party darling Michelle Bachmann and her ilk make political hay out of the fact that nearly 50% of Americans pay NO federal income taxes?  And how everybody should pay something?  Well, guess what Chisagoans: YOU'RE WHO SHE'S TALKING ABOUT!  You don't think anybody should pay more taxes?  If Tea Partiers have their way: YOU WILL BE PAYING MORE TAXES!  If it makes you feel any better, though, folks like Michelle Bachmann and Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney and other one-percenters will probably pay less: And then you won't have to worry about hypocritically accepting government safety-net services, either, 'cause those will be gone!!!!

What's the point?  I'm turning Republican: Maybe at least then we Californians and New Yorkers can stop subsidizing the supposedly independent folks in the Rust Belt.  Sure, by voting Republican, I risk being cut out of my father's will, but as a lifelong liberal Democrat, he doesn't have much of an estate to leave behind anyway.  Now, where can I get me a Rick Santorum lawn sign?