Thursday Trendwatch--Saturday Edition

When I was a yeshiva boy, we always bought HANUKKAH CANDLES (10) through my school.  The boxes contained the exact number of candles needed for the eight-night holiday.  On the first night of Hanukkah, observant Jews--as well as others who simply like to look at shiny things--light two candles, and each subsequent evening calls for the addition of one candle.  Those members of Solipsist Nation preparing for the SATs can figure out the total number of candles for themselves.  For the benefit of those of you NOT interested in math, we will forego commentary on TAX PLANNING (9) and OIL PRICES (8).

We hope this will not lead to accusations of APPEASEMENT (7), of which one Yahoo! contributor has accused President Obama.  Apparently, this commentator feels that Obama's withdrawal from Iraq and his coddling (?) of Iran constitute Chamberlainian acts of weakness.  Granted, we haven't started bombing Iran--yet, but I hardly see how the establishment of sanctions on Iran--to say nothing of Syria and Libya--and the killing of various terrorist leaders around the world, including a guy named bin Laden, constitute appeasement.  This writer keeps using that word, though; I do not think it means what he thinks it means. . . .

Okay, ladies, ASHTON KUTCHER (6) has turned down an invitation to spend New Year's Eve with Lea Michele, his co-star in "New Year's Eve."  No doubt he has heard about the unfortunate incidents that occurred way back when Jamie Lee Curtis accepted an invitation to spend Halloween with her "Halloween" co-star, Donald Pleasance.  Meanwhile, Rainey Qualley (Rainey Qualley?), the daugher of ANDIE MACDOWELL (5), has been named "Miss Golden Globe" for 2012.  I have no idea what this means, but I suspect this is an honor slightly greater than winning a Golden Globe.

According to Miss Manners, you must take several things into account when juggling numerous HOLIDAY INVITATIONS (4).  While it is all right to accept multiple invitations, one must strive to remain at each stop for a certain "minimum" time: about 45 minutes for drinks but for the entire meal at a dinner party.  (I wonder if Ashton Kutcher consulted the etiquette expert before publicly refusing an invitation fro,m his RomCom co-star?)

Speaking of etiquette, how long does propriety require one to wait after a divorce before diving back into the dating pool?  I ask on behalf of KRIS HUMPHRIES (3).  I have no inside information on whether the basketball "star" and former Mr. Kardashian has started seeing anyone.  But I am concerned that, if he starts dating too soon, it could call into question the sincerity of his marriage, and I would hate to see the sanctity of this romance for the ages besmirched by any premature gallivanting on the part of Humphries.

If he IS back on the dating market, maybe the newly single "Glee" star DIANNA AGRON (2) would be interested.  Then she could totally screw with Lea Michele: "Ha, ha!  I'm dating Kris Humphries and you got dissed by Kut-cher!  Neener, neener, billy goat!"

I'm pretty sure that's what she would say.

Finally, ELLIE KEMPER (1), of "The Office" is engaged to a former writer for Conan O'Brien.

Since I've only watched up to, like, season 5 of "The Office," I'm not exactly sure who Ms. Kemper is, but I wish her the best.  I wonder if she'll invite Ashton Kutcher to the wedding.

NOT Dinnertime Reading

Last night on "The Colbert Report," Stephen reported on a new treatment for people suffering from a lack of beneficial bacteria in their guts--

--Now, before I go on, I want to emphasize once again that this is NOT appropriate reading if you are eating dinner. . . . or if you are planning to eat dinner. . . ever.

--As I was saying: A new treatment for people suffering from a lack of beneficial intestinal bacteria: Fecal transplants!

Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like: Doctors take fecal matter from healthy people and transplant it into the digestive tract of the afflicted.

I had actually heard of this treatment before.  What I had NOT heard was the fact that, apparently, the method of transplantation is, well, oral.  For some unimaginable reason, the helpful bacteria can not simply be injected into the intestine: They must be swallowed.  As Stephen commented, doctors can now write prescriptions for people to "Eat shit and LIVE!"

What I don't understand is this: People who suffer from the lack of helpful parasites can hardly manage to eat anything.  One woman mentioned that, for a year, the only thing she could keep down was crackers and water.

Now, if you can barely stomach crackers and water, how the hell are you going to manage to swallow a big helping of poop?

Oh, and, I apologize.

Not That It Matters to ME, Of Course. . .

On commercials for the impotence-fighting drug Cialis, the voice-over warns that men should "avoid drinking alcohol to excess" when taking Cialis.

So. . . which drugs ALLOW you to drink alcohol to excess?

This Is Maybe a Test

How not to run an evacuation drill:

Yesterday, we who work in the library at my college were informed that there would be an evacuation drill today. Of course there would. It's the week before finals, everyone is stressed out and rushed--let's practice running out of a building! Anyway, the emergency services folks told us that the drill would occur sometime before noon, most likely around 11:00.

Yesterday, coincidentally, I became aware of the fact that I was actually a building monitor, responsible for assisting during things like evacuation drills. Fair enough. I studied up, did some stretching, took a Xanax, and felt fully prepared to take part in today's festivities.

Now, funny thing: Contra Costa County has a number of refineries and chemical plants on its outskirts. Not coincidentally, the county also has a sort of early-warning system of sirens placed throughout the area that sound an alarm in the event of a leak. When the siren goes off, people are supposed to "shelter-in-place," i.e., get inside and stay inside until the all-clear is given. I've never actually heard the alarm go off for real. However, on the first Wednesday of every month, at 11:00 AM, the system is tested and the alarm sounds. Today, the first Wednesday in December, was no exception. At 11:00 on the dot, the alarms sounded as they always do.

Now, everybody KNOWS about regular, monthly shelter-in-place siren-testing. So, at 11:00, when the county-wide siren went off, I looked up briefly and then went back to what I was doing--let's say working. So did everybody else.

Well, almost everybody else. I heard a ruckus coming from the other side of the library and went to investigate. The head librarian, a somewhat. . .excitable sort, was going through the library telling everybody to get out of the building immediately! We needed to evacuate.

I made the mistake of approaching and asking whether she was SURE this was the evacuation drill?

"Yes, this is it!"

"But, I'm pretty sure that was just the regular shelter-in-place test--"

"I know, but they said around 11:00! They probably combined them!"

"'Combined them'? Can they do that?"

"THEY'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW!"

"OK, but. . . you've noticed that OUR alarms aren't going off in here, right?"

"Doesn't matter! This is it!"

Deciding that this was a battle not truly worth fighting, I went back into the tutoring center and told everybody that they had to leave right away.

"But, Mr. Solipsist, that was just the shelter-in-place--"

"DON'T START WITH ME, TIMMY."

An embarrassing number of minutes later, we managed to get everyone out of the library. As I was heading to the assembly area, I found myself walking next to a police aide, who asked me why everybody was leaving the library. I explained that we were doing our evacuation drill.

"But that's not happening for another 20 minutes!"

"Yeah, well, the librarian heard the siren, and. . . "

"That was just the shelter-in-pl--"

"DON'T START WITH ME, TIMMY!"

"My name is Angela."

Anyway. In fairness to the frazzled head librarian, I cannot help but question the wisdom of an emergency services department that schedules a drill for the same day and approximately the same time as a regularly scheduled siren test. This all could have been made much clearer. Still, a valuable experience nonetheless. Nice to know that, in the event of an actual emergency, we will all most likely die.

Thursday Trendwatch

Back on November 10, I did the usual Thursday trendwatch.  While writing, my computer shut down unexpectedly.  When I signed back on, I saw that I had just finished number 5.  I completed the column and posted it as usual.

At least, I THOUGHT I had published it as usual.

Today, as I looked through my "Drafts," hoping to find something I could quickly and easily revise and slap up on the web, I saw that, for some reason, the post for Thursday, November 10, never made it up.  Worse yet, I had lost numbers 1-4!

Anyway, since I don't have much to say today, here's part of what you missed back on November 10.

And, by the way, did NOBODY notice that there was no post for November 10?  You could have SAID something!  Yeesh!

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Here are the top-trending topics on Yahoo! as of 6:48 PM, PST (11/10/11).

10. OGOPOGO: Ogopogo (full name, Dr. Ogopogo Clancy Bernstein, Psy.D) lives in LakeOkanagan in Canada--or does he?  Like that of the Loch Ness Monster, Ogopogo's existence has never been conclusively established, but now someone has caught him on tape.  As a Canadian, Ogopogo was a exceedingly polite to the videographer, asking nicely before biting the man's head off.

9. SCHIZOPHRENIA: A research study in Toronto (headed, I believe, by Dr. Ogopogo Bernstein) has linked schizophrenia to heavy use of methamphetamines.  Surprising, really, as meth addicts seem so mentally stable.

8. KRISTALLNACHT: In 1938, the "Night of Broken Glass" occured when Nazis rampaged through Germany, destroying synagogues and Jewish-owned businesses.  I tried to come up with a joke for this, but I'll take it as a good sign that I couldn't.

7. JON SANDUSKY: Sandusky is the director of player personnel for the Cleveland Browns.  His father, Jerry Sandusky, has been accused of sexually assaulting a series of young boys, starting when he was working as an assistant football coach at Penn State.  Proving that the sins of the father are visited upon the son, the younger Sandusky has been forced to continue working with the Cleveland Browns.

6. MADONNA LEAK: I don't care how trendy it is, I don't want to KNOW what part of Madonna is leaking.

5. 30-YEAR MORTGAGE RATE: The 30-year mortgage rate has fallen below 4%.  Nobody has any money to make a down payment, or anything, but let's call this good news anyway.

Monday Miscellany

SOLIPSIST (On phone): Hel-lo!

WOS: Hi!

SOL: What's happening?

WOS: Nothing much.  I just got back from the store.  I got a bunch of food!

SOL: Great.  What do you want to have for dinner?

WOS: Oh. . .well, I didn't really get "dinnery" food.

SOL: Oh.  Um. . . OK. . . .So. . . ?

WOS: Like, I got you one of these Hickory-Farm type things?  And it comes with some sausages and cheese and crackers, AND it has a cutting board and a little knife.  It's really cute!

SOL: Well, cuteness IS a quality I value highly for in food.

WOS: Right?!?  And I got you a GIANT Reese's cup.

SOL: OK.

WOS: And butterscotch pudding!  They had this great deal!  Like 24 pudding cups for $2.00!

SOL: That is a good price for pudding.

WOS: I KNOW!

SOL: OK, don't take this the wrong way?  But I think I should go to the store with you from now on.

WOS: Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

Important Changes to The Solipsist

A piece by Susan Crawford in today's Times, discusses the "digital divide" separating those with adequate (i.e., home) access to the internet from the great unwashed who must make do with slower (if cooler) access through smartphones.  This is a disturbing topic.  It suggests that some of my devoted followers may not have a fully optimized Solipsist experience.  Not to worry, though; until the federal government does something to remedy this appalling situation, Your-Not-So-Humble-Correspondent is looking out for you.  To make things easier for those of you with slower connections, I will henceforth type much slower.  You're welcome.