In Which We Fix Homeland Security

Whatever their politics--whether left-wing liberal, right-wing conservative, or Trump idiot--most people, including your not-so-humble correspondent, would agree that keeping track of visa holders in the United States would be a good idea--sort of a basic element of the whole visa system.  After all, if a country can't keep track of who has overstayed a visa, it kind of defeats the purpose of issuing the documents in the first place.  I was surprised, therefore, to read this morning that the Department of Homeland Security has no idea how many people with expired visas remain in the US.  And this despite the fact that Congress mandated such a tracking system over twenty years ago.

This is by no means to suggest that people who overstay visas do so for nefarious reasons.  I'm sure the vast majority of such visitors are gainfully employed or pursuing higher education or just happily backpacking across the Appalachians.  What I don't understand is why this is apparently such a difficult mechanism to create.  When someone enters the country on a visa, I assume this information is entered into some kind of database.  It seems to me that a tracking system could basically consist of a large Excel file: Visitor's name, date of entry, date of visa expiration, and--I don't know--ideal first date.  Don't tell me that this technology doesn't exist.  If Amazon can keep track of the fact that I once clicked on a Hello Kitty foot massager (by accident, I swear!), then the Department of Homeland Security can keep track of who legally comes into and goes out of the country!

In fact, the technology does exist.  The main sticking point--or one of them, anyway--is that building the necessary infrastructure would cost about $3 billion, and the airline industry has balked at picking up the cost.  Of course, considering the fact that $3 billion is a rounding error in the federal budget--and that politicians never miss an opportunity to pontificate on the threat of terrorism--one would humbly suggest that the Feds could just build the system themselves.  But that would require an embrace of common sense seldom seen at the national governmental level.

In Which We Ring Out the Old Not With a Bang But with the End of the World as We Know It

KFOG, a San Francisco rock station, does a regular feature every weekday morning at 10:00 AM, "Ten at ten": "Ten great songs from one great year," as the tagline says.  It's a fun show.  The year is always a surprise, and between the songs, the DJ's play audio clips of significant news events or cultural milestones from the year in question.  Warm fuzzy nostalgia ensues.

In honor of New Year's Eve, today's theme was different: Instead of focusing on just one year, the segment featured one song from each year of the 1980's.  So my short car ride this morning began with "Girls Just Want to Have Fun," segued into "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)," moved on to "Walk Like an Egyptian," and culminated, as I reached my destination in "I Wanna Dance with Somebody."  Now, I defy you to find a happier, more feel-good medley than that!  Until that moment when you realize that these songs were popular thirty years ago!  And then you feel old.  And then it just goes back to being chilly New Year's Eve 2015.

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Remember 16 years ago when we all braced ourselves for the technopocalypse that was the "Y2K virus"?  How we worried that all our electronic devices would mistakenly believe that it was 1900 and, I don't know, send us back in time to the days of horses and buggies and bubonic plague?  Remember that?  As you will recall, nothing happened.  But that didn't stop any number of fearmongers and fraidy cats from declaring the end was nigh and stocking up on canned goods and ammunition.

I mention this because today a massive solar flare is headed towards earth, and, while the most significant effect is likely to be greater visibility of the aurora borealis, there is at least the possibility--admittedly remote but definitely present--that electronics could be fried and we could, I'm guessing, be plunged into the oft-discussed zombie apocalypse that you just know is coming soon.  And yet, from the major news outlets?  Nary a peep!  All I'm saying, folks, is that you might want to party like it's 1999.   

In Which Boats Suddenly Sound a Lot More Interesting

Everybody's heard of repo men, those guys who snatch back cars from owners who have fallen behind in their loan payments.  Not the most noble profession, perhaps, but arguably a necessary evil.  And back in the 1980's, someone thought the job interesting enough to make an Emilio Estevez movie about it. . . .

That someone might well have been Emilio Estevez, now that I think about it, but still. . . .

Anyway, today I read an article about maritime repo men, people who repossess boats.  At first, I thought, well, who cares?  Boats are boring.  They're basically just floating cars, right?  But then I started reading the article: These aquarepo guys don't just grab up boats from people who've neglected to pay their bank notes; they frequently grab up boats from boat thieves, which adds a nice Omar Little-type wrinkle to the whole enterprise.  To accomplish this, they devise all kinds of ruses and shenanigans to get themselves on board the boats--forging IDs, hiring prostitutes, casting voodoo spells, etc.  Once they manage to get on board, they have to dash for the 12-mile limit of international waters to escape whatever jurisdiction the boats are being held in.

My question: How has George Clooney not optioned this for a screenplay?

In Which I Slipped Myself a Rickey

I was shocked this morning when, browsing through Facebook, I saw a notice that Oakland A's legend Dave Henderson had died at the age of 57. Then I realized that I was mainly shocked because I was confusing Oakland legend Dave Henderson with Oakland legend Rickey Henderson who is, in fact, still alive. So I guess I'm...relieved?