Another Day at Solipsist Central

WOS: You know what I haven't had in while?  Dirty rice.

SOL: What makes dirty rice dirty?

WOS: Um . . . you know, I'm not exactly sure.

SOL: Bad parenting, probably.

Elmo Money, Mo' Problems

So I'm in line at the pharmacy, where the television is tuned to what I can only assume is a science-fiction program: Onscreen, a red, furry creature with an orange nose and high-pitched voice (a child?) is negotiating with some purple-skinned gypsy to purchase a "Stupendous Ball."  I missed the beginning, but apparently the red creature (who I subsequently learned was named "Elmo") was four dollars short of the five-dollar price.  Still, he desperately wanted Stupendous Ball: "Ooooooh, Stupendous Ball can bounce on people's heads!" Elmo squeaked.

Elmo wandered off and found "Luis," attempting to fix an ice cream machine.  Elmo asked Luis how people got money.  Luis, a sinister gleam in his eye, explained that most people "worked" for money.  He then explained that he, Luis, could actually use some help fixing the ice cream machine--Luis was having trouble because he couldn't "hold the wrench and tighten the bolt at the same time."  If you know what I mean.  Anyway, would Elmo help him?  "Yes!  Elmo will help," Elmo replied.

Apparently, Elmo is mentally handicapped.

Luis asked Elmo to tighten the bolt while he, Luis, held the wrench.  I couldn't help but think that LUIS should have tightened the bolt while ELMO held the wrench steady--Elmo possessing less manual dexterity due to his significant shortage of fingers--but at any rate, the job was soon completed.  "Hooray!" Elmo exclaimed, "Elmo and Luis fix the ice cream machine!"

Definitely retarded.

 "And because you did SUC H a good job," Luis explained, "here's something for you."  Then, violating any number of minimum-wage and child-labor laws, he hands Elmo a dollar.  ONE MEASLY DOLLAR.  (DIGRESSION: I am SICK and TIRED of all these Mexicans exploiting good, hard-working, red-blooded--er, red-FURRED Americans--or whatever Elmo is. EOD)  Elmo proudly goes back to the gypsy ball-impressario, two dollars in hand, only to be informed that "Two dollars is still less than five dollars."

Seriously, what's the educational system like where he comes from?  It's worse than California.

Anyway, two dollars would allow Elmo to purchase "Average Ball," which not only DOESN'T bounce on people's heads, but hardly bounces AT ALL.  Elmo no like that!  So he goes back to Luis in search of more money.  Sadly, at this point, I reached the front of the line, so I don't know what happened next!  I fear Luis sold poor Elmo into red slavery or something.

If anyone out in Solipsist Nation knows whether Elmo was ultimately able to purchase "Stupendous Ball," please leave a note in the comments.  Thanks for your help.

Looking for the Union Libel

It's bad enough that dairyland dictator Scott Walker prevailed in his recall election in Wisconsin.  Now comes news that voters in San Diego and San Jose have approved legislation to cut pensions of city employees--and not just benefits for future hires, either, but for those currently employed as well.

Being a public employee myself, I am not unbiased, but I would like to reiterate my disgust at these maneuvers.  I understand states and municipalities are struggling to make ends meet.  I understand public-sector workers should share in the burdens imposed by fiscal exigency.  But allowing the general public to override collective bargaining agreements calls into question the rule of law--contract law, at any rate.

People have some misguided notion that city and state employees are generally lazy or incompetent or parasitic.  No doubt some are--just as some employees in any industry are.  The vast majority, though, are not.  Many voters probably see public-sector employees as disposable bureaucrats whose jobs add nothing to the public weal.  In contrast, "public employee" should conjure images of policemen, firefighters, and, yes, teachers: highly trained, highly motivated people, who willingly choose careers that do not make them rich--and often put them in physical danger--out of a sense of public duty.

Sure, one reason people choose these careers is the comparatively generous (when compared to the private sector, anyway) guaranteed pensions.  And I understand these pensions can seem "unfair" to a voter who has seen his or her own retirement savings vaporized by greedy corporate raiders.  The solution, though, is not to punish people who chose less lucrative career paths in large part because of the guaranteed (though hardly lavish) pensions; the solution is to claw back money from feckless robber barons who have done quite well, thank you very much, amidst the general misery.

Unions are not the enemy, people!  And unless you all want to be working for the Koch Brothers and their ilk, you should realize that unions--shrinking and endangered as they are--are about your only useful ally.

Farewell to the Master

They reached the canal.  It was long and straight and cool and wet and reflective in the night.

"I've always wanted to see a Martian," said Michael.  "Where are they, Dad?  You promised."

"There they are," said Dad, and he shifted Michael on his shoulder and pointed straight down.

The Martians were there.  Timothy began to shiver.

The Martians were there--in the canal--reflected in the water.  Timothy and Michael and Robert and Mom and Dad.

The Martians stared back up at them for a long, long silent time from the rippling water. . . .

--Ray Bradbury, "The Million-Year Picnic"

In one of The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror" Halloween specials, Homer tries to fix his toaster and inadvertently transports himself millions of years into the past. When he realizes what has happened, he thinks back on the advice his father gave him on his wedding day: "If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything. Because even the slightest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine." Of course, Grandpa Simpson is referencing a familiar cliche in the world of science fiction, a cliche that originated in "A Sound of Thunder," a short story by Ray Bradbury, who died yesterday at the age of 91.

Ray Bradbury was a legend. Along with Isaac Asimov, Bradbury essentially defined twentieth-century American science-fiction, the main difference between the two being that Bradbury could actually write. You could also argue that Bradbury's science fiction had absolutely nothing to do with science, and you would be correct. Bradbury was first and foremost a humanist; his stories told of completely recognizable people in completely recognizable situations. His "Mars" bears no resemblance to the actual planet, much less the darker fantasies of Phillip K. Dick or any of numerous modern writers and filmmakers; instead, the red planet is a more-or-less hospitable version of the small town in which Bradbury grew up, complete with a breathable atmosphere.

As you know, I don't like to toot my own horn. (WOS: ?!?!!!!) I did, however, write the book on Ray Bradbury. Well, OK, not so much the BOOK as the entry, in The Encyclopedia of American Literature.  I said everything there that I need to say about Bradbury's body of work.  Sadly, though, the first line, about Bradbury being "the greatest living science-fiction writer," is no longer accurate.  He certainly had a long and productive life, and his works will live on for years to come.  Still, Ray Bradbury was a unique voice in the world of science-fiction--and, indeed, of literature in general.  He will be missed.

Snopes.com "Completely False," Says Snopes.com

Snopes.com, the self-described "definitive Internet reference source for urban legends, folklore, myths, rumors, and misinformation," has blown the whistle on perhaps the biggest internet scam of all.  "According to our research," said Snopes spokeswoman Carolyn Fenstermaker, "Snopes.com has provided completely false information on a whole host of topics."  Researchers at Snopes have debunked such classic Snopes debunkings as "Girl Kills Herself after Father Posts Something Awful on Facebook Wall" and "Family Member Mugged in London and Desperately Needs Money."

"Yes, that one was totally true," Fenstermaker confirmed.  "I feel really bad about all those people's poor relatives stuck in London hospitals with no money.  You know they still have debtor's prisons over there?"  (NOTE: According to Snopes.com, London does not, in fact, still have debtor's prisons.)

The investigation of Snopes was launched at the request of Nigerian banker Oluwasun Oneofagyebi.  "I have an entire vault filled with millions of unclaimed dollars.  I'm running out of space!"

Kabul Game of Thrones

If you're like me, you have a paralyzing fear of gravlax.  Also, you're wondering what you're going to do for the next several months until "Game of Thrones" comes back.  May I suggest, Afghanistan!  The Central Asian hotspot has all the intrigue of "GoT," albeit with a disappointing scarcity of dragons.  With American forces scheduled to leave the country and the end of President Hamid Karzai's term approaching, a looming power vacuum promises to create all manner of intrigue.  The catch, of course, is that the key players--the aspiring politicians, the corrupt businessmen--are all named "Karzai."  So if you had trouble telling Lannisters from Starks from Baratheons from Targareans, just imagine the difficulty of keeping straight the machinations of Mahmoud Karzai, Shah Wali Karzai, Qayum Karzai, Ahmed Wali Karzai, and others.  (Pretty sure at least one of those guys is dead; don't know whether that makes things more or less complicated.)

The "buried lede" of this story? "When asked through Gerald Posner, a Karzai family lawyer, about Zamarai and whether he is holding him, Shah Wali Karzai declined to comment."  Gerald Posner?  So, even this most prominent of Pashtun families, leaders of a Muslim country, turns to a Jewish lawyer.  Gotta love it.

The Solipsist Reads the Times (So You Don't Have To)

84-year-old former Egyptian dictator and Robert De Niro look-alike Hosni Mubarak was sentenced to life in prison.  He thus has nothing to look forward to but sitting around his room, watching television, and eating bland food, as opposed to your typical octogenarian who's out there windsurfing.  The Egyptian people, though, are disappointed in the verdict--some people are just never satisfied!--as the judge only found Mubarak guilty of being an accomplice to the murders of a couple hundred protesters during the early days of the uprising.  I suppose this is technically true, in the same way that Hitler was an accomplice to the SS.  Interestingly, this disappointing verdict has once again united the country: Islamists, liberals, and bears (oh my) have once again banded together to protest the corruption of the ruling elite.  Nothing like a common enemy to bring out the best in people.

In other news, the world economy still sucks.  The basic problem seems to be that we live in a globally interconnected world without globally interconnected regulatory systems.  (Don't say that out loud, though: People will accuse you of being a New-World Order leftist like, uh, the first President Bush.)

It turns out that Mitt Romney is a "Star Trek" fan.  Initially, this news worried me, as I feared it might induce certain people--FOS, for instance--to vote for the man.  Then I realized this was unlikely: After all, Romney may be a closet "Trek"-enthusiast (he rejects the "Trekkie" appellation), but Barack Obama is the nation's first Vulcan president.  Finding out Mitt Romney likes "Star Trek," though, does make him harder to hate, until I remember his attitudes toward everything that people who value a decent society hold dear; then I regain my urge to hurl tribbles at the man.

Iraq has increased its oil output tremendously, so much so, in fact, that the international community is cautiously optimistic that stronger sanctions against Iran may not prove as disruptive to world oil supplies.  Commenting on this news, former National Security Advisor and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said, "This is welcome news, of course.  Still, I would once again emphasize that increased oil production was never the predominant concern; liberating Iraq from a dictatorial regime and bringing democracy to the Middle East were."  Former Vice President Dick Cheney, in contrast, cackled and exclaimed, "Yahtzee!"

I was also disturbed to hear that, despite the fall of Saddam Hussein, the tradition of state-sanctioned torture continues in Iraq.  At an auction for oil contracts, "An elevator-music rendition of Lionel Richie's 'Hello' played over and over."  Monsters!

The more painkillers are used--and the earlier in treatment they are prescribed--the greater the overall costs to employers.  Hm.  You know, when you see that sentence typed out, you realize that one of the central premises of this article is that if you take more pills and use them for a longer period of time, it will cost more money.  No wonder Times readers are so well-informed!

Finally, the Times provides an interesting discussion of the various controversies and disputes around the Sept. 11 Memorial Museum.  One ongoing debate focused on whether or not to include photographs of the 19 hijackers who crashed planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania.  Those opposed claim that this affords the murderers an undeserved honor.  It really doesn't, though.  Photographs of criminals don't celebrate the criminals.  Think of these as mug shots.