(A follow-up to yesterday's post)
November 16, 2012
SOL (On phone): Hey, I'm heading out. I'm going to stop by the grocery store on the way home. We need milk and stuff. . .
WOS: OK.
SOL: Um. . . Listen, I have something to tell you.
WOS: What?
SOL: Well. . . have you seen the news today?
WOS: No. Why?
SOL: OK. . . . Um. . . Well, maybe you'd better sit down.
WOS: What happened?!?
SOL: Well. . .OK, Hostess is going out of business. . .
WOS: Yeah, so?
SOL: So. . . Y'know. . . No more Twinkies.
WOS: WHAT?!?
SOL: I know.
WOS: No!
SOL: I'm sorry. I know this comes as a shock, but--
WOS: No. This-- This is bad!
SOL: Well, there's nothing we can do about it.
WOS: OK, you need to go to the store and get ALL the Twinkies!!!
SOL: Well, I'm not--
WOS: Yes. You. Are.
(A few minutes later. I get into my car. My cell phone rings.)
SOL: Yes?
WOS: OK, here's what you do: You buy up all the Twinkies, all the Ho-Ho's, all the cupcakes. We store them on the shelves in the pantry, then we SELL them on eBay for a fortune!
SOL: Um. . .
WOS: Pretty good, huh?
SOL: You're just gonna eat them, aren't you?
WOS: Yeah, probably.
SOL: Bye.
WOS: OK, BUT DON'T FORGET TO BUY LOTS OF--
(I hang up.)
(A few minutes later. I am walking through the parking lot to the supermarket. My cell phone rings.)
SOL: Hi.
WOS: Did you just try to call me?
SOL: No.
WOS: I was on the other line, and somebody called. I thought maybe it was you.
SOL: Nope.
WOS: OK. (Pause) So. . .
SOL: I'm NOT buying up the whole supply of Twinkies!
WOS: COME ON, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! TWIIIIIIN-KIIEEEES!!!!
(I hang up.)
(I am walking through the store. I am in the bread aisle. I think we need bread. I call.)
SOL: Hey, do we need bread?
WOS: Um, yeah. (Pause.)
SOL: (Sigh) Go ahead.
WOS: Have you gotten the Twinkies yet?
SOL: You need to let this go.
WOS: I CAN'T LET IT GO.
SOL: I'll get you some Twinkies. As long as they haven't already been cleaned out. . .
WOS: Don't even joke!
(A few minutes later, I call home again.)
SOL: (Struggling not to laugh hysterically) OK, you're going to think I'm kidding, but I'm not.
WOS: What?
SOL: ALL the Twinkies are gone! All that's left are the chocolate-filled ones, and a few boxes of cupcakes!
WOS: WHAT ABOUT HO-HO'S?!?
SOL: Nope. But here's the best part: There's a woman here whose ENTIRE SHOPPING CART is filled with Hostess products!
(WOS and I both start laughing hysterically!)
WOS: Well, wait, that's not cool! You need to confront her!
SOL: I'm not going anywhere near her! I'm just going to consider myself lucky if I make it back to my car with the two boxes of cupcakes I've managed to snag!
WOS: Yeah, you better move fast!
SOL: This place is scarier than a Staten Island gas station!
WOS: Can we go to Target tomorrow?
SOL: Only if you acquire weapons.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
Twinkie the Kid Shrugged
See what happens when you elect Democrats? For over seventy-five years, Twinkies have expanded the waistlines and decayed the teeth of sugar-addicts the world over. Along with cockroaches, Twinkies were presumed capable of surviving a nuclear apocalypse! But they couldn't survive the prospect of a second Obama term. Not one week after the President's re-election, the apparently emboldened Twinkie-making proletariat at Hostess Brands went on strike. Unwilling to meet the workers' radical demands--presumably including frills like living wages and decent working conditions--Hostess today announced a suspension of operations. The Twinkie, my friends, is dead!
It's not like we weren't warned. The job creators told us what would happen if we re-elected Obama. We all yawned when Papa John's CEO threatened to raise the price of pizza and/or reduce his workforce--mainly because we wouldn't eat his crappy pizza if he paid us. But now, with the bigwigs at Hostess going all John Galt on us, well. . . shit just got real!
Laugh all you want, but I have seen what the future has in store. At my college's bookstore, you know what's being sold as "snacks"? Pickles! Individually wrapped pickles floating in pouches filled with some kind of gelatinous brine! Suddenly Ho-Ho's don't sound so disgusting anymore, do they?
OK, maybe they do. I'll admit, Twinkies vs. gelatinous pouch-pickles is something of a Sophie's Choice. But at least it WAS a choice. We've gone from Sophie's to Hobson's! The creeping socialism feared by so many encroaches ever-so-much further on our beloved American freedoms! Today Twinkies, tomorrow freedom to assemble! Or, y'know, maybe Go-gurt, who knows?
It's not like we weren't warned. The job creators told us what would happen if we re-elected Obama. We all yawned when Papa John's CEO threatened to raise the price of pizza and/or reduce his workforce--mainly because we wouldn't eat his crappy pizza if he paid us. But now, with the bigwigs at Hostess going all John Galt on us, well. . . shit just got real!
Laugh all you want, but I have seen what the future has in store. At my college's bookstore, you know what's being sold as "snacks"? Pickles! Individually wrapped pickles floating in pouches filled with some kind of gelatinous brine! Suddenly Ho-Ho's don't sound so disgusting anymore, do they?
OK, maybe they do. I'll admit, Twinkies vs. gelatinous pouch-pickles is something of a Sophie's Choice. But at least it WAS a choice. We've gone from Sophie's to Hobson's! The creeping socialism feared by so many encroaches ever-so-much further on our beloved American freedoms! Today Twinkies, tomorrow freedom to assemble! Or, y'know, maybe Go-gurt, who knows?
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Presents Perfect
Mitt Romney has caught substantial flak lately for comments made on a conference call to supporters. During this chat, he blamed his recent electoral drubbing in part on "gifts" that President Obama had offered to such traditional Democratic supporters as African-Americans, Hispanics, and younger voters. These comments were greeted with the predictable howls of outrage.
(DIGRESSION: Unbeknownst to Romney, a New York Times reporter had been invited by one of the conference-call participants to listen in on the conversation. You would think Mittens would have learned by now never to say anything controversial during "supporters-only" affairs. Indeed, for all our sakes, maybe he could just stop saying anything. Ever. EOD)
Lost amidst all the indignation is an important point: Romney is absolutely right. President Obama DID win re-election largely because he shamelessly bestowed "gifts" upon the aforementioned constituencies. What kind of gifts? Well, a reliable liberal such as myself would say these "gifts" were such things as forgiveness of college loans, ensured access to contraception, and, of course, healthcare reform. But of course, these are just liberal talking points; I'm sure Romney was referring to more obvious pandering on the part of the President. So let's see what he meant by "gifts":
“With regards to the young people, for instance, a forgiveness of college loan interest was a big gift,” Mr. Romney said.
Hm. OK. Go on.
“Free contraceptives were very big with young, college-aged women. And then, finally, Obamacare also made a difference for them, because as you know, anybody now 26 years of age and younger was now going to be part of their parents’ plan, and that was a big gift to young people."
Sigh. OK, I get the point. I-- What's that?
"You can imagine for somebody making $25,000 or $30,000 or $35,000 a year, being told you’re now going to get free health care, particularly if you don’t have it, getting free health care worth, what, $10,000 per family, in perpetuity — I mean, this is huge.”
Yeah, I mean, dangle shiny healthcare in front of a bunch of poor folks--how could Mitt have competed with that?!? In retrospect, his counter-offer--REVOCATION of said healthcare--may not have been the game-changer he had been counting on. Look, Mitt, it's one thing to get mad at President Obama for playing Santa Claus, but nobody told you that you had to play the Grinch!
So, what Mitt Romney considers "gifts" are things that most people--apparently including Mitt Romney--would consider policy initiatives, initiatives that any politician would pursue to satisfy his constituents. Only a churl would point out that Romney intended to bestow similar gifts--tax breaks, deregulation--upon HIS supporters if HE had won.
In other words, in making these comments, Mitt Romney is guilty of nothing more sinister than a firm grasp of of electoral politics. If only he had a better grasp of math. He might then realize that the sheer number of people who appreciate Obama's gifts is substantially larger than that of the gazillionaires who would have appreciated Romney's.
(DIGRESSION: Unbeknownst to Romney, a New York Times reporter had been invited by one of the conference-call participants to listen in on the conversation. You would think Mittens would have learned by now never to say anything controversial during "supporters-only" affairs. Indeed, for all our sakes, maybe he could just stop saying anything. Ever. EOD)
Lost amidst all the indignation is an important point: Romney is absolutely right. President Obama DID win re-election largely because he shamelessly bestowed "gifts" upon the aforementioned constituencies. What kind of gifts? Well, a reliable liberal such as myself would say these "gifts" were such things as forgiveness of college loans, ensured access to contraception, and, of course, healthcare reform. But of course, these are just liberal talking points; I'm sure Romney was referring to more obvious pandering on the part of the President. So let's see what he meant by "gifts":
“With regards to the young people, for instance, a forgiveness of college loan interest was a big gift,” Mr. Romney said.
Hm. OK. Go on.
“Free contraceptives were very big with young, college-aged women. And then, finally, Obamacare also made a difference for them, because as you know, anybody now 26 years of age and younger was now going to be part of their parents’ plan, and that was a big gift to young people."
Sigh. OK, I get the point. I-- What's that?
"You can imagine for somebody making $25,000 or $30,000 or $35,000 a year, being told you’re now going to get free health care, particularly if you don’t have it, getting free health care worth, what, $10,000 per family, in perpetuity — I mean, this is huge.”
Yeah, I mean, dangle shiny healthcare in front of a bunch of poor folks--how could Mitt have competed with that?!? In retrospect, his counter-offer--REVOCATION of said healthcare--may not have been the game-changer he had been counting on. Look, Mitt, it's one thing to get mad at President Obama for playing Santa Claus, but nobody told you that you had to play the Grinch!
So, what Mitt Romney considers "gifts" are things that most people--apparently including Mitt Romney--would consider policy initiatives, initiatives that any politician would pursue to satisfy his constituents. Only a churl would point out that Romney intended to bestow similar gifts--tax breaks, deregulation--upon HIS supporters if HE had won.
In other words, in making these comments, Mitt Romney is guilty of nothing more sinister than a firm grasp of of electoral politics. If only he had a better grasp of math. He might then realize that the sheer number of people who appreciate Obama's gifts is substantially larger than that of the gazillionaires who would have appreciated Romney's.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Everything New Is Old Again
"As the nation’s largest banks stay stingy with credit and a growing portion of the population has no bank at all, major retailers are stepping into the void. Customers can now withdraw cash at an A.T.M. with a prepaid card from Walmart, take out a loan at Home Depot for a kitchen renovation or kick-start a new venture with a small-business loan from Sam’s Club. This year, Walmart even started to test selling a life insurance policy." ("On the New Shopping List: Milk, Bread, Eggs, and a Mortgage")
How many aspiring bankers dreamt of working at Costco? How many finance majors compete for those super-selective summer internships at PetSmart?
Everything old is new again. In days of yore, local barbers tended to their communities' medical needs, offering therapeutic bleedings alongside more traditional tonsorial services. Perhaps all this crossover retailing will inspire a return of such time-honored traditions: Come in for a wash and cut, and, while you sit 'neath the hair dryer, have your appendix removed by the onsite surgical staff.
Meanwhile, traditional financial institutions will react as you might expect. I look forward to the Bank of America creperie: The special rooty-tooty-fresh-and-variable-interest-rate breakfast platter will be delicious.
How many aspiring bankers dreamt of working at Costco? How many finance majors compete for those super-selective summer internships at PetSmart?
Everything old is new again. In days of yore, local barbers tended to their communities' medical needs, offering therapeutic bleedings alongside more traditional tonsorial services. Perhaps all this crossover retailing will inspire a return of such time-honored traditions: Come in for a wash and cut, and, while you sit 'neath the hair dryer, have your appendix removed by the onsite surgical staff.
Meanwhile, traditional financial institutions will react as you might expect. I look forward to the Bank of America creperie: The special rooty-tooty-fresh-and-variable-interest-rate breakfast platter will be delicious.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
More Musings
Some people may have taken umbrage at the fact that yesterday's (Veterans' Day) post failed to honor those who have served in our nation's military. It is, of course, the privilege of those who subscribe to a solipsistic worldview to ignore such nods to convention. I was glad to see, however, that Google supported the troops whole-heartedly in its daily "doodle," which yesterday presented a tribute to. . . Auguste Rodin's 172nd birthday.
Now there's a company that knows how not to pander!
Now there's a company that knows how not to pander!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Thursday Trendwatch, Veterans' Day Edition
10. TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSE
Why it's trending: As FOS used to say, I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count. . . . Right! A solar eclipse is on the way. Tuesday, at 12:30 PM Pacific, our old pal the sun will find itself completely occluded by the moon. Chances are, unless you're a dolphin, you won't see it live, as the path of coolness (official astronomical term, by the way) lies mostly over the Pacific. Perhaps more interesting: Apparently, total solar eclipses look just like big blocks of cheddar cheese:
Why he's trending: The Washington State football coach has denied abusing his players.The accusations came from Leach's star receiver, Marques Wilson, who spoke of physical and verbal abuse, but declined to provide specifics. When pressed, Leach acknowledged that practices could get a little rough, but that all players could at any time invoke the "safe word" ('diphthong').
8. DENISE RICHARDS
Why she's trending: In an effort to "do her part" after Hurricane Sandy, she adopted a puppy. Why she chose to adopt a puppy from Nebraske, I have no idea.
No, no, no: The puppy was from Long Island, and the celebrity wanted to promote animal adoptions, especially of pets displaced by the storm (I think Richards is the one on the right). Thousands of Staten Islanders who still have only sporadic electricity service applauded Richards' selflessness.
7. DEREK DOOLEY
Why he's trending: Wasn't that the name of Mark Wahlberg's character from "Boogie Nights"? Anyway, Dooley is the football coach at the University of Tennessee, and he might or might not be on the verge of getting fired. If he IS fired, though, I think he should move to Canada and become a Mountie. He's got the perfect name for it.
6. KAT VON D
Why she's trending: Apparently, she and something called "Deadmau5" are no longer dating. I wonder if she had tattooed--I'll say "his"--name on her--I'll say arm.
5. ASTHMA
Why it's trending: A Danish study has linked acetaminophen (Tylenol) use in infancy to the development of asthma in pre-schoolers. In other news, a study sponsored by Tylenol has linked the intake of Danish to being fat.
4. MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
Why it's trending: Because it would be stupid for it to be trending on Thursday! Tonight's game features the Kansas City Chiefs against the Pittsburgh Steelers. To be sporting, the Steelers have agreed to play with only nine men on defense. They are still 19 point favorites.
3. FIRST NFL TIE SINCE 2008
Why it's trending: Yesterday, the San Francisco 49ers played the St. Louis Rams to a 24-24 tie. For those not familiar with NFL rules: In a regular-season game, if neither team is ahead after one overtime period, the game officially ends in a tie. As you can see, this happens quite rarely. I suppose a team would rather have a tie than suffer a loss. Frankly, though, if I had gone to that game and paid good money, I'd want a refund. Look, if I want to see something with an indeterminate endings, I'll just stay home and watch DVD's of "Lost."
2. MCAFEE MURDER
Why it's trending: John McAfee--of antivirus software fame--is being sought for questioning by police in Belize in connection with the death of McAfee's neighbor, Gregory Viant Faull. Faull was found dead of a gunshot wound to the head this weekend. McAfee is described as a "person of interest," not a suspect. Rumors of extensive high-fiving at Norton are unconfirmed.
And the top-trending story at this moment on the space-time continuum. . .
1. TEXAS SECESSION
Why it's trending: Over 25,000 people have signed a petition requesting that Texas be allowed to "peacefully secede" from the United States. No word on what percentage of those signatures came from outside Texas.
Why it's trending: As FOS used to say, I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count. . . . Right! A solar eclipse is on the way. Tuesday, at 12:30 PM Pacific, our old pal the sun will find itself completely occluded by the moon. Chances are, unless you're a dolphin, you won't see it live, as the path of coolness (official astronomical term, by the way) lies mostly over the Pacific. Perhaps more interesting: Apparently, total solar eclipses look just like big blocks of cheddar cheese:
9. MIKE LEACHWhy he's trending: The Washington State football coach has denied abusing his players.The accusations came from Leach's star receiver, Marques Wilson, who spoke of physical and verbal abuse, but declined to provide specifics. When pressed, Leach acknowledged that practices could get a little rough, but that all players could at any time invoke the "safe word" ('diphthong').
8. DENISE RICHARDS
Why she's trending: In an effort to "do her part" after Hurricane Sandy, she adopted a puppy. Why she chose to adopt a puppy from Nebraske, I have no idea.
No, no, no: The puppy was from Long Island, and the celebrity wanted to promote animal adoptions, especially of pets displaced by the storm (I think Richards is the one on the right). Thousands of Staten Islanders who still have only sporadic electricity service applauded Richards' selflessness.
7. DEREK DOOLEY
Why he's trending: Wasn't that the name of Mark Wahlberg's character from "Boogie Nights"? Anyway, Dooley is the football coach at the University of Tennessee, and he might or might not be on the verge of getting fired. If he IS fired, though, I think he should move to Canada and become a Mountie. He's got the perfect name for it.
6. KAT VON D
Why she's trending: Apparently, she and something called "Deadmau5" are no longer dating. I wonder if she had tattooed--I'll say "his"--name on her--I'll say arm.
5. ASTHMA
Why it's trending: A Danish study has linked acetaminophen (Tylenol) use in infancy to the development of asthma in pre-schoolers. In other news, a study sponsored by Tylenol has linked the intake of Danish to being fat.
4. MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
Why it's trending: Because it would be stupid for it to be trending on Thursday! Tonight's game features the Kansas City Chiefs against the Pittsburgh Steelers. To be sporting, the Steelers have agreed to play with only nine men on defense. They are still 19 point favorites.
3. FIRST NFL TIE SINCE 2008
Why it's trending: Yesterday, the San Francisco 49ers played the St. Louis Rams to a 24-24 tie. For those not familiar with NFL rules: In a regular-season game, if neither team is ahead after one overtime period, the game officially ends in a tie. As you can see, this happens quite rarely. I suppose a team would rather have a tie than suffer a loss. Frankly, though, if I had gone to that game and paid good money, I'd want a refund. Look, if I want to see something with an indeterminate endings, I'll just stay home and watch DVD's of "Lost."
2. MCAFEE MURDER
Why it's trending: John McAfee--of antivirus software fame--is being sought for questioning by police in Belize in connection with the death of McAfee's neighbor, Gregory Viant Faull. Faull was found dead of a gunshot wound to the head this weekend. McAfee is described as a "person of interest," not a suspect. Rumors of extensive high-fiving at Norton are unconfirmed.
And the top-trending story at this moment on the space-time continuum. . .
1. TEXAS SECESSION
Why it's trending: Over 25,000 people have signed a petition requesting that Texas be allowed to "peacefully secede" from the United States. No word on what percentage of those signatures came from outside Texas.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Just Another Day at Solipsist Central
(An addendum to yesterday's post.)
SOL: We can't eat Papa John's pizza.
WOS: OK. . . .We never really do.
SOL: I know, but now we can't eat it out of principle, not just because they make bad pizza.
WOS: Why?
SOL: Their CEO is threatening to raise the price of pizza and, more importantly, cut back on his workers' hours so that he won't have to pay for healthcare.
WOS: Jerk.
SOL: I know.
WOS: Anyway, Papa John's pizza is terrible.
SOL: Is it?
WOS: Yeah, don't you remember? We got it once. It was so bad even YOU didn't finish your pizza.
SOL: Oh, really? I don't remember, and-- Hey!
WOS: What?
SOL: What do you mean "EVEN YOU"? What are you insinuating?
WOS: I. . . Uh. . .
SOL: You're saying something about me! And eating things!
WOS: No! No, I. . . That is. . . Oh, look a cat!
SOL: Ooooh. . . Cat.
SOL: We can't eat Papa John's pizza.
WOS: OK. . . .We never really do.
SOL: I know, but now we can't eat it out of principle, not just because they make bad pizza.
WOS: Why?
SOL: Their CEO is threatening to raise the price of pizza and, more importantly, cut back on his workers' hours so that he won't have to pay for healthcare.
WOS: Jerk.
SOL: I know.
WOS: Anyway, Papa John's pizza is terrible.
SOL: Is it?
WOS: Yeah, don't you remember? We got it once. It was so bad even YOU didn't finish your pizza.
SOL: Oh, really? I don't remember, and-- Hey!
WOS: What?
SOL: What do you mean "EVEN YOU"? What are you insinuating?
WOS: I. . . Uh. . .
SOL: You're saying something about me! And eating things!
WOS: No! No, I. . . That is. . . Oh, look a cat!
SOL: Ooooh. . . Cat.
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