Sympathy or Snobbery

Several years ago, the Solipsist was teaching an expository writing class. We assigned the class to write a personal-experience essay. One girl wrote a sincere, thoroughly non-ironic paean to what was, for her, a magical, romantic evening. The highlight of said romantic evening? An unforgettable dinner at a fancy restaurant. The fancy restaurant? Red Lobster.

How do you respond to that story? Back when we read it, we smiled but also felt kind of sad. It was undeniably sweet and kind of cute, but we couldn't help feeling a little sorry for this girl-this girl who saw Red Lobster as an exquisite boite. To this day, though, we wonder: Were we expressing sympathy or snobbery?

We like to think sympathy. After all, we certainly have no problem with restaurants like Red Lobster. One of our simpler pleasures is pigging out at Outback.

(Digression: Outback is home of the tastiest bread ever! What do they put in it? Crack? EOD)

Just last week, WOS and the Solipsist had a lovely dinner at Applebee's. And don't even get us started on the joy one feels after overindulging on Big Macs! (Yes, that was plural. We admit we have a problem.)

So why was our knee-jerk, perhaps condescending, smirk not an example of snobbery? We think because snobbery entails a belief that one has some kind of special insight into the finer things in life. But while it entails this belief, it does not solely consist of this belief. When one appreciates the finer things in life--when one recognizes that there is more to fine dining than discount lobster--one is cultured, but not snobbish. It is only when one denies the fact that discount lobster can bring sincere joy--and that sincere joy is too rare a commodity to scoff at, no matter what the underlying cause--that one crosses the line into snobbery.

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Cultural Illiteracy Update

Here are the "Top Ten" Yahoo! searches as of this moment:

10. U.S. Women's Open (Golf): Going on now. Plus, the LPGA Commissioner has tendered her resignation, effective after the tournament (not sure why, but we know it's happening).

9: Richie Sambora: Isn't he Mr. Heather Locklear? No idea.

8. World Population Day: We suppose we could guess what that is (everyone goes out and counts each other?). And we could speculate that it IS World Population Day. But that would be disingenuous, so we'll say we don't know.

7. MLB FanFest: Pre-All-Star Game festivities (e.g., Home Run Derby, etc.), and it's almost the All-Star break.

6. UFC 100: Some kind of major Ultimate Fighting tournament. We happen to know it's happening tonight because, for some reason, a cashier asked us if we were going to watch it. WHY he thought the Solipsist was a UFC fan, we have no idea. Perhaps because we were bleeding from several orifices. Long story. Anyway, we're claiming knowledge of this.

5. Cobbler recipes: No idea. The thought of people desperately searching for cobbler recipes is odd. We'd have thought all the Aunt Millie's out there keep their recipes in teeny file boxes, not PDF files.

4. Levi Johnston: The former-future-Palin son-in-law. He's dishing the dirt!

3. Beyonce: Don't know why she's of particular interest today.

2. Free Slurpee Day: It's 7/11, don'tcha know?

1. Erin Andrews. Sounds familiar, but we don't know.

Our score for today: 50%. For the week: 46%

(Image from Red Lobster--well, duh!)

Field of Dreams

Why we love baseball:

OK, so here's the situation: The Washington Nationals played the Houston Astros on May 5 in Washington. It was a high-scoring but otherwise unremarkable game. Anyway, with the game tied in the bottom of the 11th inning, and with Elijah Dukes (of Washington) on first, the rains came. The teams were unable to resume play that night. So what happens?

(Above, Joel Hanrahan; below, Nyjer Morgan)

In baseball, a game is "official" after five innings (or four and a half if the home team is ahead). So, if a game is rained out before five innings are completed, it's as if the game never started, never happened. Back when Cal Ripken, Jr., of the Baltimore Orioles broke Lou Gehrig's record for consecutive games played, the celebrations didn't occur until after the 5th inning. Pity the player who does something remarkable--say, hits a couple of home runs in one inning--before the bottom of the 5th on a cloudy day; those stats disappear if the game does not reach official status. Of course, if a game is rained out after the 5th inning, then the game is official and the results stand. Frustrating for the team down by a run in the 7th, but that's the way it goes.

What happens, though, when it starts to rain after the 5th inning of a tie game? In that situation, the game is suspended. At some later date, the teams will pick up exactly where they leave off. This is what happened in the otherwise unremarkable Washington-Houston game, and this is where things get weird.

Last night, the teams resumed their delayed game. They were in Houston, though, where the Nationals were the visiting team. Well, OK, no big deal. The game still "began" in the bottom of the 11th, with the Nationals batting and a runner on first. If Washington scored, the game would end--the "home team" having gotten "last licks." Indeed, within seven minutes, the Nationals DID score, ending the game.

The winning pitcher for the Washington Nationals was Joel Hanrahan. . . of the Pittsburgh Pirates. See, between May 5 and yesterday, Hanrahan had been traded to Pittsburgh. Still, he was the "pitcher of record" for Washington (i.e., the last pitcher who was in the game for the team before they scored the winning run). Here's an even odder statistic: Remember Elijah Dukes? He was the guy on first for Washington when it started to rain. He's no longer with the team either. So Washington put Nyjer Morgan into the game as a pinch-runner for Dukes, and he scored the winning run.

By the way, you know who the Nationals got from the Pirates for Joel Hanrahan? You guessed it: Nyjer Morgan!

In other words, the Nationals won the game behind a pitcher who is no longer with the team, and the winning run was scored by someone who isn't on the official game-day roster.

If you followed all that, children, you're ready to unravel the mysteries of the infield-fly rule.

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Cultural Illiteracy Check

Here are the Top Ten Yahoo! searches as of this moment:

10. MLB Scores: Quite possibly due to the situation described above.

9. BBQ Recipes: Umm. . . .4th of July reminiscences already?

8. Pedro Martinez: Future Hall of Fame pitcher, last played for the Mets. No idea why he's in the news now.

7. Eureka TV Show: New season starts tonight. Good show, by the way. Fluffy, but fun.

6. Pamplona Bull Run: Is it time for that again already? Our stitches have just healed from last year!

5. Bruno Movie: Now playing.

4. Jason Priestley: "Beverly Hills 90210" heartthrob not named Luke Perry. No idea. Maybe he and Joyce DeWitt were discovered in flagrante delicto.

3. Angelina Jolie: Always nice to look at, but we don't know of any particular reason she's in the news today.

2. Robert Plant: Led Zeppelin lead singer. Is he dead?

1. David Arquette: Now we know Yahoo! is just making stuff up. There is NO reason ANYONE would be searching David Arquette! Not even Courtney!

We're giving ourselves a cultural literacy score of 40% for today, for an overall weekly rating of 45%. Three days to go!

(Images from foxsports.com)

On the Roads

Not long ago, the world reached a demographic milestone: more people now live in cities than not. This trend is expected to continue. Nevertheless, when it comes to government largesse, cities continue to get short shrift. Consider, "Cities Lose Out on Road Funds from Federal Stimulus." According to this article, the 100 largest metropolitan areas in the country, combined, will receive less than half the transportation-related stimulus money. North Carolina, for example, has approved $423 million dollars in projects, but only $7.8 million dollars--less than 2%--is going to Mecklenburg County (home of the teeny tiny little hamlet of Charlotte).

We probably shouldn't complain. With a focus on out-of-the-way places, maybe some stimulus money will be employed to pave the wetlands around Solipsist HQ. Still, as a former New Yorker, the Solipsist is sensitive about these kinds of disparities. New Yorkers constantly hear complaints from the "heartland" that too much taxpayer money goes to the city's welfare queens and freaky conceptual artists; in fact, any basic examination of the federal budget shows that big cities provide far more in federal revenue than they receive in federal services. It's your red-meat, salt-of-the-earth, rugged-individualist-types in Wyoming and the like who are freeloading.

It reminds us of something. Sometime during "the darkness" (i.e., the Bush administration) a Republican operative (maybe Karl Rove, but it hardly matters) pointed to the electoral map as an illustration of GOP dominance:

Indeed, looking at this map, one could reasonably conclude that blue-state liberals are a hopelessly overmatched minority. No wonder George Bush won! But, wait, take a look at the Obama-triumphant map:

Doesn't really look that much bluer. The Rovian (oh let's blame him!) fallacy is to conflate the size of a state--actual square mileage--with political relevance. Vast empty swaths of switchgrass and cattle cannot confer executive authority. Sadly, it seems that a more-enlightened Obama administration is making a similar miscalculation in the way it is allowing state's to distribute stimulus money.

Call us crazy, but we think money meant to stimulate productivity should be spent in the most productive places. Build highways in Seattle, not bridges to nowhere. Sheep and coyotes don't need well-paved roads, but New York City commuters could use an upgraded subway system. A little common sense, people!

Solipsist Central: Slated for an upgrade?

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Cultural Illiteracy Check

As of this moment, here are the "Top Ten" Yahoo! searches:

10. Big Green Egg: Uh. . .?

9. Lorenzo Lamas: One of the finest actors of his generation! Although his generation was only about 10 minutes in the 1980s. No idea why he's being searched.

8. Demi Lovato: See "Big Green Egg."

7. Bottled Water: Well, we know that there's been talk that bottled water is bad for people (as well as the environment). We'll assume that's why it's being searched.

6. Climate Change: Big topic at the G8 summit is environmental concerns/global warming.

5. Big Brother 11: Dear God! How many seasons of this show have there been?!? Well, OK, probably 11, but YEESH!

4. GM Bankruptcy: We heard that GM will be emerging from bankruptcy fairly soon.

3. Eve Plumb: Janet Brady? No idea why she's "hot."

2. Lisa Ling: Reporter being held by Iran--or maybe North Korea. Still, it's familiar to us.

1. Project Runway: New season starting soon.

So, today, we'll give ourselves a Cult-Lit score of 60%--we could identify and surmise the relevance of 6 of the 10 items. If you're keeping score, our 3-day average is 46.7%. We're creeping up!

Irrelevant Pizzas

Mr. Irrelevant News Story of the Day

It's all about pizza today, folks: "Crust Is a Canvas for Pizza's New Wave" . OK, really, is pizza EVER irrelevant? Whether it's more relevant than

"In Iran, a Struggle Beyond the Streets" (A4)

"At Least 16 Killed in Reported Drone Strike in Pakistan" (A8)

or "Washington. D.C., Recognizes Same-Sex Marriages" (A17)

is a matter of personal opinion.

The writer, Frank Bruni, makes a good point about pizza: "[T]he surest element of success is balance." This is true, but it really serves more as a clarification of the points of contention than as a hard and fast metric for pizza success. Because balance is in the eye (mouth) of the beholder. If you take your basic pizza components--sauce, cheese, and toppings--the proper ratio is peculiar to each palate. Only a fool or Domino's would consider defaulting to a simple 33 1/3% apportionment of each. WOS, for example, is a 40-20-40 type: She loathes an overabundance of cheese. The Solipsist, on the other hand, can't get enough cheese: Give him a 20-40-40 everytime! (But it's imperative that the cheese be properly melty so as not to slide off the crust in a gooey mess. That's just nasty.)

The article speaks of a renaissance in pizza craftsmanship that has been going on in New York since about 2004. Gourmet pizza is all well and good, but, when it comes right down to it, aren't we all basically in love with the pizza of our youth (whatever that may be)? Sure, we know that Romeo's on 37th Avenue was probably not the grandest or best pizza in the world. But it was OUR pizza. And this, by the way, is why it's rude to snicker at residents of, say, Arkansas, who SWEAR that Mrs. Wilson's Pizza and Cake Shop features the BEST PIZZA IN THE WORLD! Of course it doesn't, but these people don't know any better.

Why, we've recently heard from a friend who swears she's found delicious pizza in (wait for it) PITTSBURGH! Adorable. Then again, she's from Canada and can't be expected to understand. When first confronted with a pizza, she thought it was just a particularly pungent device for teaching fractions.

(Digression: The Solipsist will be getting his ass kicked shortly. EOD)

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Cultural Illiteracy Check

As of this moment, here are the "Top Ten Yahoo" searches:

10. G8 Summit: A meeting of the world's 8 largest economies. Must be happening soon.

9. Swine Flu: Well, we all know what that is. Must be a popular search because Rupert (Ronald Weasley) Grint has it.

8. Judith Hill: No idea who that is or why people are looking her up.

7. Strep Throat: Uh. . . . Maybe people who look up swine flu get hooked on disease? No idea.

6: Claude Lemieux: Hockey player? Related to Mario? No idea why he's being searched.

5. Battlefield 1943: ????

4. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: Movie coming out soon.

3. Anna Paquin: Academy-Award winning actress ("The Piano"), also plays Rogue in the X-Men franchise. No idea why she's being searched.

2. LeBron James: Well, why WOULDN'T he be searched. We heard on "SportsCenter" that he's involved in some controversy. The rumor is that he contacted Trevor Ariza (who left the Lakers for the Cavs) and assured him that he was going to stay in Cleveland after 2010, when his contract expires.

1. Steve McNair: Obvious.

OK, so we're going to give ourself a cultural literacy score of 50% for today--that is, for 5 of these ten items, we know what they are and can at least speculate on why they are major search items. If you're keeping track, we're at 40% for the week.

(Image from Pizza Hut)

Cultural Illiteracy?

Jennifer Hudson; Charlie Chaplin's Smile; Celebrity Mugshots; Shaheen Jafargholi; King Herod; Michael Jackson Tributes; John Mayer; Rupert Grint; Acetaminophen; Jeremy Mayfield.

What do these ten things have in common? We'll give you a minute.

Dum-de-doo-doo-dee. . . .

Give up? As of the writing of this entry, these were "Today's Top Searches" on Yahoo!

We always see this "top searches" list, but we've never given it much thought. On the one hand, it provides a snapshot of the zeitgeist: A look at this list gives one a sense of where the collective consciousness resides. On the other hand, there's something a bit. . . tautological about the list. If a subject appears in the "top searches," does that not lead people to click on that subject, if only to see what the fuss is all about? Especially when it is not immediately apparent WHY something is being searched?

Consider today's list: "Michael Jackson Tributes" is unsurprising. We heard that Jennifer Hudson performed at today's Jackson tribute, which probably inspired interest in her. Did John Mayer perform, too? See, we don't know, and, if he didn't, why does he show up in today's top-search list? So we have to look. One sec. Well, no, no immediate indication that he did perform. Then again, from what we know about John Mayer as a self-promoter, it wouldn't surprise us if he had somehow worked out a way to keep himself in the top ten perpetually.

Celebrity mugshots? Well, earlier, when we first contemplated this post, we saw that "Joyce DeWitt" was in the top searches. That stunned us: Joyce DeWitt hasn't done anything notable since serving as the perpetually dumpy roommate through every episode of blonde (to borrow a phrase from Elvis Costello) on "Three's Company." Which is essentially to say she hasn't done anything notable EVER, but that's a whole 'nother concern. At any rate, when we investigated, we found out that DeWitt had been arrested for DUI, and this presumably generated interest. We're going to assume that "Celebrity Mugshots" is just an outgrowth of that. Now things get interesting:

From the "Who" files:

Shaheen Jafargholi: OK, it's a Michael Jackson thing. He's some Welsh kid who was a finalist on "Britain's Got Talent," and he sang at the Jackson tribute.

Rupert Grint: He plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter movies. And he apparently has Swine Flu. Well, Innoculatus!

Jeremy Mayfield: A NASCAR driver who was suspended for testing positive for drugs. A judge overturned the suspension, and other NASCAR drivers want the judge to reconsider. Can't say we blame them. We'd be concerned about going around a track at 180 MPH with a crack addict. (No, he didn't test positive for crack.)

Now for the "Why" files:

Charlie Chaplin's Smile: We have NO idea.

King Herod: Apparently Israeli archaeologists have made some new King Herod-related discoveries.

Acetaminophen: We're going to go out on a limb here and try to answer this without looking. We think this has something to do with an FDA Advisory Panel's recent decision to ban Vicodin.

Is an ability to interpret the "Top 10" a sign of pop-culture literacy? If so, the Solipsist is not doing so well. Our literacy score for today was a mere 30%--we knew what was significant about 3 of the 10 search items (or, if not "significant," at least "buzzworthy"). We don't know how this score stacks up against others'--perhaps the fact that so much searching occurred suggests that most people are no more informed than the Solipsist. Still, we feel we should do better. For the next seven days, we're going to test our pop-culture recognition by seeing how many of the top-10 items we can interpret without clicking. We'll see what our "baseline" knowledge is. After all, you folks COUNT on the Solipsist to keep you in the know. We'd hate to let you down.

And if anyone can shed light on the Charlie Chaplin thing, that would be appreciated.

Staples Sucks!

We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it anymore!

Well, all right, we're probably going to take it, but we're NOT going to be happy about it.

What are we talking about? Glad you asked.

Here at Solipsist HQ, we occasionally have projects that require a process that we have come to call "stapling." Just the usual stuff: checks and receipts, reports, gaping stab wounds. Well, anyway, for these projects we used to just use our shoes to hammer little pieces of metal through whatever papers we wanted to connect. One day, we heard people talking about a special tool that they called a "stapler." Could such a thing be? It would certainly save us money on shoes. We thought we'd look into it.

Sure enough, we checked out the internet, and we saw video clips of people using this miraculous invention. It was settled. The Solipsist Would Purchase a "Stapler"! Now, though, we were at a loss. Where does one find a "stapler"? Mac's Feed and Bait was fresh out of office supplies. And then we discovered a retail establishment that seemed perfect for our needs. It was called--get this--Staples. Staples! It was like a sign.

Well, anyway, we purchased what seemed like a perfectly acceptable "stapler":

Looks nice, right?

The problems started when we went to "staple" some documents. Instead of making that pleasing "ker-CHUNK" sound that we and all other normal people are accustomed to, THIS "stapler" just goes "thwack." "THWACK"!!! What the hell is THAT? And then, to add insult to injury, WOS goes and says she PREFERS this! She sees it as a modern "stapler"--as the next generation in paper-fusing technology. "Don't you like it better that there isn't that sort of resistance?" she asks us. NO! No, we damn well DON'T prefer it! We LIKE the resistance! Vive la resistance! Resistance lets us know that something is being accomplished, that assures us that those two pieces of paper are joined and will never, ever be unjoined. (Well, unless someone invents some kind of "staple remover," but that's just ridiculous!) With a simple frictionless "thwack," we feel compelled always to double-check and make sure that the staple "took," that we won't have random sheets flying randomly in a flurry of, of, of RANDOMNESS!

Progress sucks!

(We're also bothered by Keith Morrison and gum that loses its flavor too quickly, but we'll save those for another day.)

Solipsistic Salons

Last week, The Washington Post had to do some serious damage control when it came to light that their marketing department had developed plans to host "salons" at the home of the publisher, Katharine Weymouth. These salons would be attended by Post journalists, Washington political insiders, and lobbyists; the latter would pay $25,000 to sponsor said salons. (Alternatively, lobbyists could get eleven for the price of ten by ponying up $250,000. That is not a joke.) Proving that journalistic ethics do not preclude Schadenfreude, The New York Times trumpeted the Post story on its front page.

We feel for the Post. We really do. Lord knows newspapers are floundering; scarcely a week goes by without a story of some venerable broadsheet facing massive cuts to staff or other resources or closing altogether. Newspapers need to come up with ever more creative ways to compete in this age of massive competition from other print media, television, and of course the internet. (Damn bloggers! Oh, wait. . . .) Still, there is something unsavory about the thought of corporate lobbyists paying for access to reporters. Of course, there's even more that's unsavory about the lobbyists paying for access to politicians, but at least we could hope that newspapers would be interested in uncovering such corruption-lite. If the papers are on the payroll, too. . . .

Still, as one door closes, another opens. And since we at The Solipsist have no such compunction about journalistic ethics, we would like to offer our services to those lobbyists left out in the cold by the Post's fickleness. In fact, we'll beat their offer. For a mere $20,000, any firm can sponsor a salon at Solipsist HQ ($150,000 gets you a series of ten salons and an autographed "Solipsist" baseball cap) . Granted, Solipsist Central is not as physically close to the seat of power at Ms. Weymouth's townhouse; at the same time, the Bayou is lovely this time of year, and we have recently installed new citronella candles all around the perimeter to keep the mosquitoes away. WOS has offered to prepare hors d'oeuvres, and she is even now at the Piggly Wiggly stocking up on assorted crackers.

What else will you get for your money? What WON'T you get?!? Well, for one thing, you probably won't get access to President Obama's inner circle or key players in Congress. On the other hand, we can line up some heavy hitters of our own. There's Mitch down the road--he VOTED for President Obama. We think. Anyway, he has some very interesting views on firearms restrictions that he would be more than happy to share with, say, a lobbyist from the NRA. We can't guarantee local journalists will show up, but we already have a verbal commitment from Clem "Buckskin" Parker, who has personally written over 300 letters to the editor of the Delta Democrat Times on topics ranging from the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty to Noodling. He firmly expects to get one published soon. We also hear that Sarah Palin may be available.

So don't despair lobbyists! You can still pay for access. No need to go through the Washington Post. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Just ask Buckskin Parker.

(Image of Solipsist Headquarters from Wikimedia Commons--how they got the picture, we have NO IDEA!)