Dubious Moments in Management

This semester has featured some calendrical oddities: In addition to beginning on a Friday--which is actually typical--this semester offers less than two weeks of classes between Thanksgiving and the end of the semester.  What this means for me and other teachers in my department is that final exams--which are all administered department-wide on the same day--have to be graded in a compressed timeframe.

We grade the exams collectively: One teacher reads an exam (not knowing who has written it--the students' names are covered), grades it, and then it is passed along to another teacher--who doesn't know what the first teacher has given it--to grade.  Usually, we have at least a week to do all this, but this semester, we have only about three days.  So, in the spirit of efficiency, I pulled department-chair rank and called in all the teachers to come together today for a sort of grading party.  We would all bring our exams--having done the first readings--and then we would just stay and read until all the second reads were done.  To make the offer palatable, I suggested people bring snacks.  Which they did.

We all got together, got our snacks, and proceeded to sit down and start to read.  Now, by general consensus, I am the fastest reader of these tests.  I pride myself on speed.  And, indeed, I train my students to accommodate the speedy reader: I tell them that these exams are graded holistically and that, when reading them, I do not want to think!  I should be able to read an exam quickly, smoothly, without having to pause or linger over anything.  Because, I explain, while making a reader think is sometimes the mark of a great piece of writing, it is more often--at least at this level--a result of opaque prose.  The less a piece of writing makes me think, the more likely it is to receive a passing grade.  So anyway, I can usually blast through these exams at a rate of 10-12 an hour.  Today, however, I got through about eight--in two hours!

The problem, of course, is that when you get a bunch of teachers together at the end of the semester, and set them a task of reading dozens of essays--or, more accurately, essentially the SAME essay dozens of times--they tend to get a bit slap-happy.  Throw in Nutter Butter cookies and Coca-Cola, and productivity is not going to be high.  And it seemed like such a good idea at the time!

Well, anyway, I'm home now.  And, if you'll excuse me. . . I have a bunch of essays to read.

Just Another Day at Solipsist Central (Workplace Edition)

COLLEAGE OF SOLIPSIST: I hate the Elf on the Shelf.

SOLIPSIST: What exactly is the Elf on the Shelf?

COS: Well, he's an Elf. . .  and you put him. . .

SOL: . . .On the shelf. I got that part.  I mean, what's his. .  . purpose?  His mission?  His raison d'Elf?

COS: He just kind of sits on the shelf and keeps an eye on the tree. . . .Makes sure the children aren't being naughty.

SOL: He's a narc.

COS: Basically.

SOL: So this is some Christian thing.

COS: Right.

SOL: Is there a Channukah Elf on the Shelf?

COS: I don't know.

SOL: "The Menorah in the Corna," maybe?

COS: Doesn't really rhyme. . . .Plus, a menorah doesn't narc on anyone.  A menorah just. . . .is.

SOL: Right.  "The Jew in the Loo"?  Too British.  "The Yid in the Frid. . .ge"?

COS: That's awful.

SOL: Yeah. . . . Oh!  "The Maccabee in the Back-Cubby"!

COS: What's a back cubby?

SOL: Like, if you have a couple of cubbies in your house?  And. . . And. . .And one's in the front of the house. . . And. . .uh. . . one's in the, uh. . . the back?

COS: I think you need to keep working on this one.

SOL: I will.

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UPDATE:

Personally, I Think the Focus Should Be "Teacher Entertainment"

I am on the "Student Success" committee at my college, student success being the current catchphrase used by unseen bureaucrats to describe the purported guiding ethos of community-college educators.  Previous catchphrases have included things like "Equity" and "Learning."  I suppose "student success" is as good a lodestar as any.  Certainly better than "student failure," at any rate--although that would be considerably easier to achieve.

Monday Miscellany

You've probably heard about the deadly train crash that occurred on New York's Metro-North line yesterday morning, killing four people and injuring dozens more.  I actually rode that train line every day for about two and a half years in the mid-90's.  I am, in retrospect, terrified to think about all the days I dozed in my seat as the train careened through "one of the sharpest curves in the Metro-North system."  Ah, the uneasy nostalgia of bullets dodged!

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On a lighter note, doesn't the sport of football have enough of a problem with subliminal homoeroticism without the announcers talking about how Seattle has "great backside penetration"?

Deep, Insightful Sports Analysis

From an article in today's Times, explaining why the New York Giants have struggled so much over the last twelve months:

"The Giants had a third-down conversation rate of 40.6 percent last season, but in their final two losses of 2012 that rate dropped to 30 percent. This season it is 34.7 percent. . . ."

Now, I don't claim great knowledge of football strategy, but if the Giants are engaging in conversations with the opposing teams on 40% of their third downs--instead of trying to move the football down the field--I think I know why they're having so much trouble!