Waiting for the End of the World

Everybody still here?

We've all had fun awaiting the imminent non-destruction of the world. REM has probably collected more royalties in the last week than they have at any time since "Losing My Religion" appeared on an album that people couldn't yet download. Blondie and Barry McGuire did well, too, we suppose.

We all waited for Judgment Day, a day when we would be wracked by monstrous earthquakes and devastating tsunamis, or, as they call it in Japan, Saturday. (Too soon?) Unsurprisingly, Judgment Day has apparently not come.

It's easy to be snarky at a time like this. A little too easy, actually. What would a non-snarky response to today's non-events look like?

The vast majority of the population took easy potshots at Harold Camping and his acolytes who believed the world would end today, May 21, 2011. Even the high-minded paper of record headlined its article on our impending doom, "Make My Bed? But You Say the World's Ending." We, too, had a good laugh or two about the whole thing. But how ridiculous was the prophecy, really?

After all, a large number of mainstream, non-lunatics--ordinary Christians, Jews, Muslims, and others--believe in the eventual arrival of a messiah who will in one way or another bring about the end of days. What makes the Harold Campings of the world crazier than these folks?Specificity? For that matter, strictly speaking, Harold Camping and his followers were not wrong. When today comes and goes, won't THEIR world as THEY know it have, in fact, come to an end?

Also we can't help but notice, amidst all the levity about the failed Armageddon, a certain disappointment, and not just from those who expected to be raptured. Those of a more secular bent, too, must feel at least a small letdown. And why wouldn't we? Look at the world: wars, economic uncertainty, disease, natural disasters. Who wouldn't, on some level, welcome cataclysmic change?

When Monday morning rolls around, and people drag themselves out of bed to face another week of the same old same old, more than a few will daydream about how things might have been different, and more than a few will wonder if it really would have been all that bad.

Newt's Testaments

If you've paid attention to the news this week, you've no doubt heard about the travails of former House speaker and current presidential "candidate" (adorable, really!) Newt Gingrich. If you haven't been paying attention--SHAME ON YOU! But to recap:

On Sunday, Gingrich went on "Meet the Press," and, responding to a question about entitlement spending, made some comments that seemed critical of Rep. Paul Ryan's (R-Easy Street) budget proposals, specifically his proposal to transform Medicare into a voucher-based program:

"I don't think right wing social engineering is any more desirable than left wing social engineering. I don't think imposing radical change from the right or the left is a very good way for a free society to operate. I think we need a national conversation to get to a better Medicare system with more choices for seniors."

As much as we generally disagree with Gingrich's policies, we were impressed by his willingness to make a reasonable statement of what we can only assume are his true principles. It's sad to say, but that takes courage in today's political environment. We commend Gingrich for displaying it.

This courageous stand lasted, maybe, through the credits of "Meet the Press." Unsurprisingly, conservative activists across the country expressed outrage at a candidate deviating from the party line. How can Gingrich expect to lead the Republican Party if he can't follow orders! Newt quickly backtracked, first claiming he was blindsided by an "attack" question (which was certainly not an attack). Later, though, he took a page from the playbook of Senator Jon Kyl (R-The Realm of Story).

Kyl, you may recall, ran into trouble about a month ago for claiming, in a speech on the Senate floor, that some 90% of Planned Parenthood's services involved abortion. When it was pointed out that abortion services actually comprise about 3% of Planned Parenthood's offerings, Kyl explained that his remarks "were not intended as a factual statement." Gingrich went Kyl one better: Not only were his words a "mistake," but

"I want to make sure every House Republican is protected from some kind of dishonest Democratic ad. So let me say on the record, any ad which quotes what I said on Sunday is a falsehood. Because I have said publicly those words were inaccurate and unfortunate and I'm prepared to stand up..."

In commenting on Newt's creative retraction, Jon Stewart said something to the effect of, it's difficult to engage in a reasonable conversation with someone when his opening gambit is, "If you quote me accurately and in proper context, you're a liar!"

As a teacher, the Solipsist has a different problem with Gingrich's rationalizations. What if our students "Gingrich" us? "Mr. Solipsist, when I wrote those incorrect answers and ungrammatical sentences, those words were inaccurate and unfortunate, so you cannot use what I said against me. I demand an 'A'!"

Ah, who are we kidding--like anybody is paying attention to anything Gingrich says, anyway.

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In case the world ends tomorrow, we thank our devoted Sloppists for sticking with us for the last three years.

Another Job We Won't Be Getting

The jockeying to replace Dominique Strauss-Kahn as head of the IMF has begun. Normally, we throw our hat into the ring for any prestigious job opening, but French finance minister Christine Lagarde is a shoo-in for the position. After all, she possesses the most important qualification for the job: complete lack of interest in sexually assaulting chambermaids.

"Strauss-Kahn Resigns from I.M.F. in Wake of His Arrest"

Less Than Total Recall

This Schwarzenegger-lovechild story amazes us. Not because it happened, but because it happened ten years ago, yet, somehow, Arnold Schwarzenegger managed to run successfully for governor--twice!--without the story coming out. This in an era where any rumor, no matter how outlandish, is snapped up by reporters, pundits, bloggers (ahem), twitterers and others and plastered across all media faster than you can say long-form birth certificate. How did Arnold manage to keep an actual, living, breathing illegitimate child under the radar?

The short answer is hush money. Certainly, payoffs to Schwarzenegger's babymama helped keep things quiet. But hush money only keeps things quiet for so long, especially when it comes to those seeking elective office. Just ask President John Edwards.

And Arnold was governor of California! It's not like he was whiling away the days in some low-level political post like mayor of Podunk, South Dakota, or president of Canada. Maybe that helped him. The story sounded too much like a plot twist from a political melodrama for anyone to take it seriously.

Indeed, rumors of illegitimate children circulated during the early days of the governator's political career. But these rumors got buried. It didn't hurt that Schwarzenegger has never come across as some paragon of moral probity: His serial gropings of the fair sex were much ballyhooed during his first campaign. It would, we suppose, be easy for a political reporter, on hearing the lovechild rumors, to simply roll his eyes and assume these were just more of the same.

Still, any aspiring politicians with skeletons in the closet--which is probably all of them--should get on the phone to Schwarzenegger's cover-up people immediately. Those folks are good.

Solipsistography
"Schwarzenegger Whispers Become an Admission"

More Musings

Just a brief observation/comment/question:

Have you guys ever listened to the music of Death Cab for Cutie? Maybe it's just us, but there's something about the lead singer's voice that makes us want to punch someone in the face. Preferably the lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie.

Kumon Sense?

Today's trendy New York Times articles feature an op-ed lamenting (yawn!) the lack of standards in modern college education. Professors Richard Arum and Josipa Roksa report that a large percentage of college students report not taking any classes requiring even 40 pages of reading per week or 20 pages of writing over the course of a semester. Furthermore, the average college student spent a mere 12 to 13 hours a week studying, which is less than half the average of students in the 1960s. (In fairness, though, the quality of television in the 1960s was nowhere near what it is today.) Arum and Roksa further note that these slacking students still manage to earn solid B's.

Just below this article, as of this writing, is a story about the increasing number of Kumon (and Junior Kumon) tutoring centers in the New York area that cater to a younger set of students--much younger. We're talking 2 to 3 years old. As one Kumon executive explained, "if they're out of a diaper and they can sit still with a Kumon instructor for 15 minutes, we'll take them." For those horrified at the thought of two-year-olds sitting in a classroom, you'll be happy to know that everybody gets the equivalent of an 'A.' (All students are allowed to keep redoing the assignments until they're "perfect.")

The advent of Junior Kumon seems somehow the logical consequence of the concern with academic rigor displayed by Profs. Arum and Roska. Perhaps if we start drilling students in the immediate post-embryonic phase of development, they will be accustomed to rigorous studying by the time they reach college. They probably won't be particularly good at creative or critical thinking, but at least they'll be able to sit still and reproduce rote learning,

Maybe the whole "diaper" thing is negotiable, too.

Solipsistography
"Fast-Tracking to Kindergarten"
"Your So-Called Education"

Offensive Fouls

At first, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the managing director of the International Monetary Fund, would seem to have little in common with NBA great Kobe Bryant, other than a silly name and a sweet jump shot. Now we find out that they share a predilection for raping chambermaids.

Yesterday afternoon, New York police arrested Strauss-Kahn for the sexual assault of a maid at the posh Sofitel New York. With room rates around $3,000 a night, maybe Strauss-Kahn thought that a certain droit de seigneur was part of the turndown service.

This sounds like the set-up for a bad political thriller. Get Gene Hackman to play Strauss-Kahn. We can call it "Still No Way Out."

(DIGRESSION: If you haven't seen "No Way Out," Friend of Solipsist is an expert on the movie. We're sure he could tell you all about it. [Sorry for the inside joke.] EOD)

What was this guy thinking? That his celebrity would protect him from the consequences of his actions? Doesn't he realize that the managing director of the IMF doesn't qualify as celebrity?

Reached for comment, Kobe Bryant expressed outrage about Strauss-Kahn's actions.

"This is disgusting," Bryant said. "Who does this guy think he is? Raping a maid! That's MY thing. You don't see me going around restructuring Mozambique's foreign debt!"