Not Shaken, Not Stirred

Mr. Rouhani, who had mounted an aggressive charm offensive in the weeks before arriving in New York, also declined a chance to shake hands with Mr. Obama — avoiding a much-anticipated encounter that would have bridged more than three decades of estrangement between the leaders of Iran and the United States.
--"Obama Defends U.S. Engagement in the Middle East"

Despite what that quote might lead you to believe, President Obama himself was ambivalent at best about the opportunity to "grip and grin" with the Iranian president.  Indeed, senior White House advisers were so concerned about the political repercussions of such a handshake that they drew up extensive contingency plans to avoid just such an eventuality.

The following memo was drawn up at the highest echelons of the Obama administration, outlining plans to avoid a handshake between Presidents Obama and Rouhani.  (By the way, I fully expect to be extremely renditioned for sharing this information.  I can only hope my legion of fan will rally to my support--and prove more effective than the supporters of Chelsea "Don't Call Me Bradley" Manning.)

FROM:  REDACTED
TO: REDACTED
RE: DACTED

Working with a select team of kinesiologists, etiquette experts, and modern-dance choreographers, we have devised a set of options for allowing President Obama to avoid shaking hands with President Rouhani of Iran.  We have taken pains to ensure that the President maintains dignity and an air of statesmanship at all times.

OPTION ONE: THE MULTI-TASKER
The simplest option for avoiding President Rouhani's presumably outstretched hand calls for President Obama to be surrounded at all times by a "moving shield" of people.  For the sake of diplomacy, the President must appear extremely busy at all times, so these people should appear to be mid-level members of the presidential staff.  We recommend they frequently thrust pens and papers at President Obama, requesting his signature, demanding decisions, etc.  The drawback, of course, is that this level of frenzied supplication is generally associated with true national security emergencies, and the Iranians may well become suspicious when they find out that no such emergency has arisen.  Perhaps a small fire can be lit at the Air and Space Museum Gift Shop?

OPTION TWO: THE FRESHMAN
Should the moving shield be impractical, we could simply load President Obama's arms with briefing papers, portfolios, binders, etc., thus leaving his arms too full to extend a hand in Rouhani's direction.  Should a handshake be offered, the President can simply smile, shrug, and point his chin at the unwieldy load with which he is, unfortunately, weighted down.  (Concern: Too implausible that Leader of Free World would not have someone to carry his books for him?  Or at least a luggage cart?)

OPTION THREE: THE SENIOR
In this scenario, President Obama confidently walks up to Rouhani, extending his hand, smiling broadly.  Then, at the last second, just before Rouhani clasps the outstretched hand, President Obama whips his hand up and "smooths" his hair--perhaps throwing in a "Psych!" for good measure.  (NOTE: The Israelis are particularly fond of this option.)

OPTION FOUR: NO HARAM, NO FOUL
As we all know, pigs are considered "Unclean" in the Islamic faith.  We therefore suggest that President Obama be issued a presidential pot-bellied big to carry around the United Nations.  President Rouhani will obviously be dissuaded from shaking a hand that has touched a pig.  Added bonus: Malia's birthday is just around the corner, and the pig can be repurposed as an early b-day gift.)

OPTION FIVE: THE NUCLEAR OPTION
Seal Team Six breaks all of President Rouhani's fingers.  (NOTE: This option, too, is an Israeli favorite.)

The Solipsist Reads the Paper! (So You Don't Have To)

A couple of interesting nuggest from today's paper.

As President Obama winds up his trip to Israel, he can boast at least one significant accomplishment: brokering a rapprochement between the governments of Israel and Turkey.  The two American allies had maintained a frosty relationship since an incident in 2010 when Israeli troops enforcing a naval blockade on the Gaza Strip boarded a Turkish vessel that was on a humanitarian mission.  Violence broke out, several people were killed, and the Turkish government broke off diplomatic relations with Israel.  At the urging of President Obama, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu offered a formal apology to Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayip Erdogan, who accepted the apology.  The two countries will once again exchange ambassadors.

What was interesting about the apology is that it occurred in a phone call that was made from. . .  a trailer.  One doesn't normally see such high-level diplomacy conducted from such a location--at least, diplomacy that doesn't involve Mexican drug cartels.  The trailer itself was at Ben Gurion airport.  Were the phones in Air Force One not working?

**********************************************
Another article profiled Brian Brown, the president of the National Organization for Marriage, which is the primary organizational force behind the battle to forbid governmental recognition of same-sex marriage.  Brown is a Catholic who has already fathered eight--count 'em, eight!--children.  So, if we assume that one of the arguments against same-sex marriage is that the purpose of marriage is to produce children, I say that as long as we have dedicated procreators like Brian Brown, we have little to fear from a few gay marriages: He alone has already made up for the presumed barrenness of four to eight gay couples!

Also, has anyone considered the irony of the fact that the primary organization battling against the right to same-sex couples to wed is the National Organization for Marriage.  Orwell would be proud. 

************************************************
Finally, another front-page piece describes the dearth of female students in a number of New York City's most selective high schools.  How bad is the situation?  Well, at Stuyvesant High School, "Kathryn Rafailov, 16, a junior, said boys so dominated her square-dancing class that they had to pair off with one another."

Try to put aside for the moment the fact that Stuyvesant High School has a square-dancing class.  More troubling is the fact that a public high school is apparently OK with boys dosey-do-ing other boys!  Alert Brian Brown!

The Counsel of Worm's

Following his surprisingly successful visit with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, former NBA star Dennis Rodman was dispatched on a worldwide "basketball diplomacy" tour.

IRAN--Originally scheduled to meet with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Rodman insisted on meeting with Grand Ayatollah Ali Khameini.  "I ain't travelin' 8 million miles just to meet no bench player," the Hall of Famer explained during a press conference.  Granted an audience, Rodman ended up meeting with Khameini for nearly seven hours.  The two discussed the effects of ongoing sanctions.  Rodman also offered what he described as a blueprint for future nuclear negotiations with the United States and other nations.

According to Rodman, "It was nothin' official, you understand?  Jus' some thoughts I came up with on the flight over.  I explained to Ali K. that he needed to, like, offer some concessions--confidence-buildin' and shit--otherwise, ain't no way O. [President Obama] gonna stop cappin' on his ass."
After the meeting, Rodman and Khameini enjoyed a meal of lamb shanks and non-alcholic beer and took in a basketball game.  Then Rodman had sex with two of the Grand Ayatollah's wives.

DAVOS, SWITZERLAND--Addressing assembled world leaders and captains of industry, Rodman presented a keynote speech entitled, "The Way Forward: A Keynes-Hayek Dialectic Approach to Stabilizing National Economies."  In the speech, the two-time All-Star explained that "For a nation, addressing structural trade imbalances is like a basketball team improving its defensive rebounding statistics: It's not flashy, yo, but it's what wins championships."

After the speech, Rodman and economics Nobel laureate Joseph Stiglitz took in a basketball game and attended a "rave" in the neighboring resort town of Klosters.  Stiglitz was arrested for indecent exposure, and Rodman had sex with three Princeton economists.

VATICAN CITY, ROME--Dropping in on the Conclave of Cardinals, Rodman created a bit of a stir due to his choice of wardrobe.  Rodman apologized, explaining that a dress, pointy hat, and ruby slippers simply comprised his typical Thursday afternoon outfit and that he in no way meant to pass himself off as the Pope.  "Still," Rodman quipped, "them Cardinals is my boys, y'know?  And if they wanted me to be Pope, I'd be down with that."

The five-time NBA champion and two-time defensive player of the year told the College of Cardinals that the retirement of Pope Benedict XVI offered the Church an unprecedented opportunity to heal rifts caused by years of scandal and weak leadership.  "Y'all gotta lay off the kids, y'know?  That's just some messed up shit!"  Later, Rodman and the newly retired Benedict took in a basketball game where, during halftime, Rodman participated in a wrestling exhibition and accidentally had sex with his opponent.

My Luck, I'll End Up in Canada

I'd like to believe that, to be named an official overseas representative of the United States, one must exemplify the highest ideals of what it means to be an American citizen on the world stage: a firm grasp of geopolitics, a reputation for sophisticated public intellectualism, that sort of thing.

Turns out, one just needs a lot of cash and a willingness to lavish it on one's political patrons.

Which, I guess, when you think about it, is a pretty appropriate representation of Americanism after all.

Now that President Obama has secured a second term, the time has come for him to reward his most stalwart supporters with choice ambassadorships around the world.  Top fund-raisers may soon be invited to lead embassies in such desirable locales as London, Paris, and Rome.  While career diplomats--i.e., those who have devoted their lives to public service--get stuck in such garden spots as Yemen and the Sudan, those who wrote nice big checks have to go slumming in Papeete, Tahiti, or Oranjestad, Aruba.

Sure, there's a certain logic to this breakdown of responsibilities: Since trouble is far more likely to flare up in Pakistan than in the Bahamas, it makes sense to have more experienced foreign-service officers in these potential hotspots.  On the other hand, if a billionaire heads an embassy in an underdeveloped land, he or she could probably just buy the country in the event of revolution.

Bottom line, though, this practice of doling out plum ambassadorships to well-heeled political cronies strikes me as more than a little corrupt, and I want in on it!  I'm realistic: I understand that the five dollars I sent to the Obama campaign in 2008 will not get me into the Court of St. James.  But I don't want to get sent to one of those loser countries like Uruguay or Denmark, either!  I've given this a great deal of thought over the last ten minutes, and I think Australia would be perfect: I sort of speak the language (what the hell's a didgeridoo?); I have a full appreciation of grilled meats; and I know the words to every Men at Work song ever recorded.  President Obama, you know where to find me.

Pack up the cats, WOS, we're heading to Canberra!

(WOS: Oh, God, what is it this time?)

What Would Jesus Do? Probably Not What Mitt Did

The last 24 hours have been rather hectic in the Middle East, and I, sadly, have had scant time to check out the news in other than a cursory manner.  Here's what's happened so far:

Yesterday, US embassies in Egypt and Libya were attacked by mobs, apparently responding to an inflammatory, anti-Muslim video produced by some fringe amateur filmmaker.  How sleazy is the video?  Well, I haven't seen it, but it received a seal of approval from Terry Jones--organizer of International Burn a Koran Day (which I'm sad to say falls on a Saturday this year, so no day off!).  Apparently, a large portion of the Islamic world has yet to realize that just because a mentally defective racist American happens to say something, this does not reflect the official position of the American government or the vast majority of Americans.  At any rate, these protests turned particularly violent in Libya, where four Americans, including Ambassador Christopher Stevens, were killed.

It goes without saying--or it should--that no one in his right mind--American, Libyan, Egyptian; Democrat, Republican, or Independent--condones these actions.  The Libyan government condemned the attacks, as did any number of decent people the world over.  As for the domestic US reaction, the consensus could be summed up as anger at the perpetrators, sympathy for the victims, and resolve not to be cowed by international terrorists.  Despite their well-publicized differences, political figures both Democratic--President Obama, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Senator John Kerry--and Republican--Speaker of the House John Boehner, Senator Mitch McConnell--issued sensible, sensitive responses to the horrific events.  Politics, as it has been often said, stop at the water's edge.

But someone forgot to tell Mitt Romney.  Rather than taking the opportunity to appear statesmanlike, Romney wasted no time in politicizing the incident, spewing partisan misinformation to an anxious nation.

A bit of background: Before--let me emphasize, BEFORE--the attacks on the embassies, an embassy employee, in an apparent attempt to soothe the feelings of Muslims over the offensive video--issued a statement essentially affirming the United States' commitment to religious freedom and its fundamental respect for members of all faiths.  This relatively benign statement--again, made BEFORE the attacks--was seized upon by Mitt Romney as some kind of "apology" offered up by President Obama to the very people who killed his Ambassador.  The fact that it was not an apology nor was the statement made by the President or any member of his Cabinet only adds to the inanity of Romney's statement.

Andrew Sullivan has done a thorough job of destroying Mitt Romney for this egregious act of tactlessness.  I would just like to emphasize the utter cluelessness this betrays.  Because who's Romney trying to impress?  Anyone who would conceivably believe these blatant misrepresentations is already firmly in the "Vote Romney" column.  Anyone else--anyone undecided--must surely listen to this repulsive act of blatant politicization and shake his head over the depths to which an intelligent, historically moderate representative of the American elite has allowed himself to sink.

Not in the Darkest Imaginings of Graham Greene. . . .

Of course, no one ever said that the life of an international diplomat was all brandy and sex tourism, but the news from today's Times is still harrowing nonetheless.  If you prefer not to be harrowed, may I suggest you check out "Sleep Talkin' Man," this week featuring delightful pictures of sloths.  Otherwise, read on at your own risk.

"After the American troops departed in December, life became more difficult for the thousands of diplomats and contractors left behind. . . . Within days, the salad bar at the embassy dining hall ran low. Sometimes there was no sugar or Splenda for coffee. On chicken-wing night, wings were rationed at six per person." ("U.S. Planning to Slash Iraq Embassy Staff by Half")

Dear. God.

Diminished salad bars?  No sugar?  OR Splenda?  ONLY SIX CHICKEN WINGS ON CHICKEN-WING NIGHT?!?!  To what kind of barbarity are we reducing our noble diplomats?  Even Somalian refugees can expect at least eight wings each on chicken-wing night!  I'm fairly certain that such deprivation runs afoul of several clauses of the Geneva Convention.  A whole sub-section--right after the bits about waterboarding--protects the rights of those held as prisoners of war or serving in diplomatic capacities to have access to a "break room" with adequate coffee supplies; no less a figure than Henry Kissinger faces indictment before the International War Crimes Tribunal for advocating policies during the 1970s denying Half-and-Half to Vietnamese POWs.

Alert Amnesty International!  Alert the Red Cross!  Alert Wing Stop!

Strategic Error

A few year's back, a survey revealed that cabbies held the most potentially fatal job.  It should tell you something, then, that a number of Iranian nuclear scientists have recently applied for jobs driving cabs.

Well, maybe not, but I wouldn't be surprised.

On Wednesday, an Iranian scientist was killed when a bomb was attached magnetically to his car during rush hour.  The killers, who were riding a motorcycle, got away.  This was just the latest such assassination of people involved in Iran's nuclear program.  Most international observers suspect that the United States and Israel have played a role in the attacks, and the slick, high-tech nature of the assaults certainly sounds like the kind of thing the CIA or, more likely, the Mossad would pull off.  The Mossad don't play.

While the thought of a nuclear-armed Iran is slightly less appealing to an Israeli (or to most Americans) than the thought of eating a Madagascar cockroach, I find myself troubled by this particular strategy--if, indeed, Israel is behind it (more on that later).  To disrupt Iran's progress toward nuclear weapons, certain tactics are legal and acceptable--economic sanctions, for example.  Other strategies of questionable legality still fall under the heading of morally acceptable.  Whoever launched the Stuxnet computer virus against Iranian systems (again, most people suspect Israel and/or the United States), violated international law; however, by avoiding violence and "collateral damage," this action meets certain ethical standards.  Once you start assasinating people, however--especially when these people are ostensibly involved in peaceful activities (Iran claims to want nuclear power only for civilian purposes)--you have crossed a line.

I understand that Israel considers a nuclear-armed Iran to be an existential threat, and that the Israeli government will take any steps they can to prevent such an eventuality.  I could even see a case being made for assassinations--even though these obviously violate norms of international law.  But there are "more or less" acceptable targets for such actions.  Military targets, of course: Soldiers and officers have chosen to pursue a career that, by definition, entails a risk of death.  Even politicians may be considered fair game, especially when they engage in apocalyptic rhetoric about wiping other countries off the map, for example; I certainly wouldn't shed any tears if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had an "unfortunate accident."  Scientists, however, are not legitimate targets.  They are civilians.

Beyond being unethical, targeting scientists would seem to be counterproductive.  After all, if Iran feels that its nuclear scientists are being targeted by foreign agents, the government will simply take steps to make sure that these people are under protective custody at all times.  Whereas political figures must make public appearances--and therefore put themselves at risk--scientists are under no such obligations.  Indeed, the fact that scientists continue to die has caused some to speculate that the Iranian government itself is behind the recent assassinations, killing relatively minor figures in the nuclear industry in order to cast blame on its foreign enemies.  That sounds a little far-fetched--Israel has certainly never been shy about violently eradicating perceived threats--but who knows?

Israel has a rough enough time in the court of international opinion.  In many respects, this is a result of fanatical anti-Zionism or, indeed, anti-Semitism.  But Israel does itself no favors by targeting civilians in other countries for assassination.  If the Israelis are doing this, they need to stop.

Wikileaks: The Rest

Over the past week, the New York Times has run stories about the troves of diplomatic cables leaked by Wikileaks.org. We can't help but notice, however, that the Times has shown a clear bias in their reporting, focusing exclusively on cables related to countries like China, Iraq, the Koreas, Afghanistan, Yemen--you know, "interesting" countries. Relatively nothing has come from the diplomatic outposts of our less intransigent or confrontational neighbors in the community of nations.


Fear not, though, the Solipsist has gained access to these most sensitive of reports from our least sensitive of embassies. Herewith, a sampling.


Sometimes, foreign-service officers let their feelings get the best of them, as we see in this cable from a mid-level staffer in the US consulate in Paris:


March 2008: Attended a gala at the Presidential Palace last night. Could not help but notice that Carla Bruni-Sarkozy is FREAKIN HOTTTTTT!!!!!! I'm not talking "hot-for-a-First-Lady" hot, like Hilary [REDACTED] or Lady Bird [REDACTED]: I'm talking supermodel, leave-your-wife-for hot! I mean, if she weren't shacking up with, y'know, the POF [President of France] I would TOTALLY hit that. I'd be on her like flies on camembert. . . .




A somewhat common malady among longtime diplomats is "Graham Greene Syndrome." The most prominent sign of infection: a tendency of those stationed even in the least exotic postings to write world-weary reports in overly florid language. Consider this report from the director of the passport office in El Paso, TX:


June. . . June. . . I've forgotten the date. The days blur together like water lilies in a post-impresssionist painting. I look at the memo pad on my desk. It's actually May 17. Nelson comes into my office. He barely suppresses a sardonic grin as he hands me the stack of G-318's to sign off on. I picture him with Elise, on the porch of my house, sipping gin and tonic and thinking that they're getting away with something. It takes all my will to convince myself that I care.


Outside my office window, a blood red sun sets blindingly over the parking lot. The kids at the Jack in the Box across 17th Street move like phantoms behind the tinted glass. The constant stream of cars on the freeway sounds like nothing so much as a mass of automobiles streaming along miles of asphalt.


I processed only 17 H-19 (x)'s today. Down from 19 yesterday, but more than the 16 I did on Monday. As I pick up my jacket and head out for the night, I wonder if the world--my world--will still be here tomorrow, as it was today, as it might be for many days to come.


Other signs include increasing paranoia:


October 13, 2009: Lunch with the Canadian Minister of Travel and Tourism today. He was pleasant--too pleasant. He asked if we would be willing to help promote "Saskatchewan-a-thon," a nineteen-day festival of all things Saskatchewanee. I couldn't help but notice that he kept trying to make eye contact with the waiter--even after the waiter had filled his water glass. Obviously a spy.


Saskatchewan-a-thon is clearly nothing more than a pretext for a full-scale invasion. We should fortify the border, particularly in those states that lie near this supposed "Saskatchewan." A pre-emptive strike at the Canadian capitol--wherever that is--should be considered.


Finally, some leaked memoranda reveal embarrassing oversights in State Department programs:


February 13, 2009

TO: Secretary of State Hilary Rodham Clinton
FROM: [REDACTED]
RE: Hawaii


Regarding the staff meeting of February 7: After careful review, my staff and I have confirmed that you were right: Hawaii IS, in fact, a part of the United States. Preparations for closing the embassy have commenced.

(Image from Wikipedia)