But What Have You Done for Us Lately?

An open letter to the Chilean miners:

It's been a year since you made your triumphant ascent  Around the world, we watched, transfixed, throughout your ordeal: trapped for months hundreds of feet below the surface of the earth.  And not even good ol' American earth, either: Chilean earth!  We shared your joy and the joy of your families as you rose triumphantly in those FABULOUS sunglasses.  We eagerly await the inevitable Hollywood extravaganza and hope the producers lock down Antonio Banderas and Jimmy Smits to play ALL of you ('cause, frankly, they're the only two Latino actors any of us have ever heard of).  But, frankly, it's time for you to show us some love again.

Look, don't think we all don't appreciate your noble story of salvation in the face of horrifying odds.  But it has been a year.  While you were off "recovering" from "trauma" and "horror" in your cushy psychiatric hospitals, the world hasn't stood still.  Lots of other things have happened to feed our unending need for distraction.  There was a revolution in Egypt!  We killed Bin Laden!  A transsexual performed on "Dancing with the Stars"!

All I'm saying is this: If you want us to keep caring, you really need to do something.  I'm not saying you need to go out and kill Bin Laden, but one of you could get a sex-change and go on "Dancing with the Stars."  Or at least get stuck in an elevator.  Something!

Love,

Solipsist
 

 Don't you think it's time you all stepped up a little?  Could you at least get stuck in an elevator?  Or maybe a traffic jam?  We all need some inspiration.

Tuesday Paper Recap

Congratulations to the Chilean miners, rescued after two months trapped 2,000 feet underground:

The second miner to reach the surface, Mario Sepúlveda, left the rescue capsule in a kind of victory dance, hugging family members and officials. He embraced President Piñera three times and presented people with gifts: rocks from the mine.

Rocks? OK, it's not like they had a duty-free shop down there, but. . . rocks? We suppose it's better than a "My Daddy spent two months in a collapsed mine and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" shirt.

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A new entrant in the least-interesting-job ever competition:

The reason these grains [of ancient wheat] make good pasta, said Andrea Brondolini, an ancient-wheat specialist at the Italian Agricultural Research Council in Sant’Angelo Lodigiano, can be traced to the early history of agriculture. As ancient types of wheat were hybridized into modern varieties, they were bred for a higher yield.

"Ancient wheat specialist"? That must have been an interesting dinner-table conversation:

"Ay, Papa, I'v-ah decided what I want to do with my life!"

"Whaddaya mean, 'what you're gonna do wit' your life'? You follow inna da family footsteps! You tak-ah over da harmonica shop!"

"Nah! I'ma not-ah gonna take-ah over da harmonica shop! I'ma gonna be an ancient-ah wheat especialist at the university!"

"Ancient-ah wheat?!?"

"Yeah, ancient-ah wheat!"

"Fuggedaboutit! Whatta you gonna learn about ancient-ah wheat?"

"Dere's lots ta learn about ancient-ah wheat! Farro! Spelt! Einkorn!"

"Whadda ya talkin' about 'einhorn'? Who's-a gonna give-ah you money to tell 'em about einhorn?"

"Ah, fuggedaboutit!"

"YOU fuggedaboutit!"

"NO! YOU FUGGEDABOUTIT!"

And so on into the night.

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Hmmm. . . . WOS says we have a message from the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League. . . . We'll get back to them.

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Finally, this tidbit from the world of infant and child development:

"Babble is increasingly being understood as an essential precursor to speech, and as a key predictor of both cognitive and emotional development."

Looks like there's hope for Sarah Palin after all!

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY! WE'RE HERE ALL WEEK! DON'T FORGET TO TIP YOUR WAITRESS!