Emergency Procedures

Emergent Biosolutions has emerged as more of a problem in the realm of coronavirus vaccine production. The company has won contracts worth hundreds of millions of dollars from the federal government to produce vaccines developed by Astra Zeneca and Johnson & Johnson. Very few doses of any vaccine, though, have been distributed because the company’s quality-control levels fall short of your average meth lab.

Actually, I take that back. Walter White would never accept such shoddy manufacturing practices.

There’ve been all manner of production snafus, most notably cross-contamination of the two different vaccines. Apparently, the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup theory of vaccine production didn’t fly with government regulators.

And while the rest of the world has become adept at basic hygiene over the last 18 months, Emergent employees still display some lapses.

I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that squirrels have taken up residence in the company’s cafeteria.

I would like to formally offer my own home as a production facility for vaccine production. Sure, I’m not the cleanest fellow in the world. Maybe I haven’t changed my bedsheets since the Million Nazi March in Charlottesville—I’m protesting! But, hey, my kitchen can’t be that much filthier than Emergent’s. And I’ll let the government rent it out for pennies on the BioSolutions dollar!

#Trendwatch

 Back in the day, before our reboot, we used to do an occasional feature called “Trendwatch.” We would go to Yahoo! and see what the trending stories were, mainly as a way to test our knowledge of pop-culture and current events: Do we know why the thing trending is trending without actually clicking on the link.

We wanted to revive the practice, but Yahoo! is SO 2012. All the kids these days are on Twitter, so “Trendwatch” will now become #Trendwatch, a review of the top trending topics on Twitter. The advantage being that maybe that hashtag makes things searchable and will expose us to all new followers! 

That is how these things work, right?

Anyway: Number 1: #JacobdeGrom Well, we know what this is about. You will recall our earlier discussion of Mets’ pitcher and resident super-alien Jacob deGrom. He started the game tonight against the San Diego Padres. He was his usual brilliant self: Six innings, one hit, no runs, ten strikeouts. As I watch the game now, the Mets’ bullpen is doing their best to throw the game away, but deGrom continues to dominate.

Number 2: #SmackDown I assumed this referred to what people want to do when listening to the ravings of Marjorie Taylor Greene, but it turns out it’s a wrestling thing. Or “wrestling” thing. Or wrestling “thing.” Anyway, it’s apparently on TV tonight, so watch if you’re into that sort of thing.

Number 3: #spacesgottalent The description: “Musicians are throwing it back to the 2000s as they perform for a panel of judges on spaces.” I first read that as “. . .in space,” and I thought, “I have no idea what that is, but it sounds incredibly cool.” Then I read it correctly as “…on spaces,” and I thought, “I have no idea what that is.” But whatever it is, musicians are performing on it! So… watch if you’re into that sort of thing.

Number 4: #TheLastDriveIn I think this is a series on Shudder, which I think is like Netflix for horror movies. . .  I thought Netflix was Netflix for horror movies.

Number 5: #readytolove Also apparently a TV show. Certainly not descriptive of Your Not So Humble Correspondent. More like #readytomisanthropize here.

Hoist by Their Own Cyberpetard

Every day, it seems, we glean a little more insight into the wonderful world of Bitcoin. Only a matter of time before we’re cryptocurrency savants. Whether we achieve this knowledge before or after the whole thing completely collapses like the scam it is remains to be seen.

To recap recent events, a few weeks ago, Russian-based cybercriminals hacked into the servers of Colonial Pipeline and locked up their systems, causing chaos up and down the East Coast. The hackers, working with a syndicate known as DarkSide, demanded 75 Bitcoin in ransom to release the company’s computers. Colonial paid the ransom, which was worth somewhere north of $4 million at the time of the payment.

Forward to this week: The FBI announced that they had essentially hacked the hackers. They were able to identify DarkSide’s Bitcoin “wallet” and received permission from a judge to confiscate as much of the ransom as they could. In the event, they were able to claw back about 75% of the money that Colonial had paid.

While I still have no clear idea what Bitcoin actually… is, one thing I did understand was that the whole appeal of the currency—especially to criminals—was its untraceability, it’s imperviousness to such mundane things as confiscation by legal authorities. Only, now it turns out that—go figure!—the same internet that facilitates criminal activity can be used to combat criminals, using many of the same hacking techniques employed by the criminals themselves!

Duffel bags full of cash are looking better by the minute.

Why Can’t We Be Friends

Last week, I got briefly excited when Vice-President Kamala Harris sent me a Facebook friend request.

About damn time! I thought.

Alas, it was not Kamala Harris, but Karen Harris.  Or, more accurately, Harris Karen.  I don't actually know whether this lady's first name is Karen or Harris because, you see, I don't know this lady.  Based on the length of her Friends' list--which at last check stood at zero--I surmise that nobody knows this lady.  It's almost as if . . .  she doesn't actually exist!

Too bad really.  She seems kind of interesting.  She's a Bitcoin miner in Austin, TX.  She might be able to answer some of my burning Bitcoin questions! Also, on the day she sent me her friend request, she also got married!

So, while I didn't accept the friend request, I would like to issue my heartiest congratulations to Harris and her beau.  Given the fact that one of the first things she did on her wedding day was to friend-request a stranger two-thousand miles away, I predict a long and happy marriage.