Thursday Trendwatch (Saturday Edition)

10. ROBOT SURGERY
Why it's trending: According to a headline on Foxnews.com (and I can only imagine what kind of sinister GOP cookies just got embedded in my computer when I went to THAT site), "Questions remain on value of robot prostate surgery."  I didn't even realize robots had prostates!

9. MITT ROMNEY
Why he's trending: I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count.  Specifically, though, the Mittster has affirmed that, if elected, he "will not take God out of the name of our party platform."  The Democrats, of course, first removed and then reinstated the Almighty in their party platform, a non-story that Republicans predictably milked for all it was worth.  I was unaware that God appeared in the "name" of the Republican party platform, which is actually titled "Republican Platform: We Believe in America."  Perhaps it's in a special font that only Republicans can see?  Or did Mitt just have dyslexic moment when he saw the letters "GOP"?  Which don't appear in the name of the platform, either, but what are you gonna do?

Asked for comment, Yahweh replied, "I'd appreciate if everyone could leave me out of it.  I stopped following politics after the dissolution of the Whig party."

8. CLINT EASTWOOD
Why he's trending: Why do you think?  Personally, I had no problem with Clint's rambling interview with the invisible POTUS at the RNC.  I did think it was a little tacky to wrap up with, "And remember, 'Trouble with the Curve' opens on September 7. Peace out!"

7. COCA-COLA FLAVOR DROPS
Why it's trending: Technically, what's trending is "Dasani drops," a soon-to-be-introduced water-enhancer from the Coca-Cola Company.  Added to water, the drops turn boring H2O into a fruity, refreshing treat.  One word of caution: Do NOT  drink undiluted Dasani drops: Stuff's like uncut heroin.

6. KIM ZOLCIAK
Why she's trending: Because she just gave birth a few weeks ago, and CHECK. HER. OUT!

Now I just need someone to tell me who the balls Kim Zolciak is!

5. GOLD MINING
Why it's trending: With the weak jobs report, and speculation that the Federal Reserve will take further action to stimulate the economy (and thus potentially cause inflation to rise), end-timers and other survivalist types will flock to gold as a safe financial harbor.  Only a churl would point out that the value of gold is exactly as arbitrary as that of fiat currency like the American dollar, and I am not a churl.  Still, I recommend like-minded citizens join me in an internet movement to transfer the symbolic value of gold onto a more accessible medium.  Dasani drops, perhaps.

4. AMY POEHLER
Why she's trending: She and husband Will Arnett are splitting up after nine years of marriage.  I didn't know they were a couple.  Must have been a lot of fun around the dinner table. Or maybe not.  They are splitting up, after all.

3. KHLOE KARDASHIAN
Why she's trending: After completing a mini-marathon to help raise money for Medecins san Frontieres (Doctors without Borders), the reality-TV star and respected medieval scholar joined MSF volunteers on a trip to Nicaragua, where over 100 children received free cleft-palate surgeries.  She also dined with President Daniel Ortega and his cabinet and discussed opportunities to subsidize tenant farmers in the country's interi--  Nah, I'm just messing with you: She's a finalist for the "X Factor" hosting gig.

2. MICHELLE OBAMA NAIL POLISH
Why it's trending: Style-obsessed Americans have been buzzing for days about the nail polish that First Lady Michelle Obama wore the other night at the DNC.  Now, it can be told: The striking color, "Vogue," was created by extracting stem cells from aborted fetuses.  It's true!  That's what Rush Limbaugh said, anyway.

And the number-one trending topic at this moment on the space-time continuum is. . . .

1. JENNIFER GRANHOLM
Why she's trending: The former governor of Michigan gave a fiery speech at the Democratic National Convention, blasting Mitt Romney for opposing President Obama's plan to save General Motors.  Too bad she can't run for President: She was born in Canada.  I mean, I obviously have no fundamental objection to a foreign-born President, but Canada?  I have to draw the line somewhere.

Thursday Trendwatch (Friday Edition)

So, let's see what people are talking, texting, and twittering about today:

10. DOGSHAMING
Why it's trending: Either harmless fun or a "sick online trend," depending on which website you link to, dogshaming is--well, pretty obviously, it's the "shaming" of man's best friend: The shaming in question takes the form of photographs shared on social websites--pictures capturing family pets caught in the act of inappropriate behavior.  I'm not sure how effective this would be in most households, because most people I know don't let their dogs surf the web--oh, and also because, THEY'RE DOGS!  How much shame can reasonably be felt by creatures whose preferred mode of introduction is butt-sniffing?

9. AMAZON SMARTPHONE
Why it's trending: I guess because people are basically pathetic sheep ever always to fall prey to savvy marketers who will convince them they simply must have the latest upgrade to replace the perfectly fine piece of technology they already own (and probably just bought).  Amazon's entry to the smartphone market is rumored to be launching in early September.

8. CLINICAL TRIALS
Why it's trending: In November, the city of Atlanta will host the first "Clinical Trials in Georgia" conference.  With any luck, this conference will prove more successful than last year's "Clinical Trials in Wisconsin" conference.  Milwaukee authorities say they are still not close to containing the mutant-squid outbreak.

7. SERENA WILLIAMS
Why she's trending: The other night, she appeared on Letterman wearing a skintight red dress.

Yowza!  She can double-fault me any time she likes!  (I have no idea what that means.)

6. CELINE DION PHOTO SHOOT
Why it's trending: I think the headline says it all, "Celine Dion Photo Shoot Involves Nudity, Stuffed Animals."  I don't think I can improve on that.

5. MAYAN COLLAPSE
Why it's trending: Scientists have determined that drought and deforestation most likely led to the collapse of Mayan civilization.  Personally, I think the fact that they insisted on stitching teddy bears to their pants probably had more to do with it.

4. KHLOE KARDASHIAN
Why she's trending: Having recently completed a tour of sub-Saharan Africa, where she met with local leaders to discuss ways of modernizing the region's water delivery systems, Kardashian held a press conference today to draw attention to public-health infrastructure problems here in the United States.  "We can no longer afford to turn a blind eye to the growing threats posed by substandard infection-control processes at our nation's hospitals, doctor's offices, and nursing homes," Kardashian said.  She then introduced Bill and Melinda Gates, with whom she will partner to establish a non-profit organization to--

Nah, I'm just messing with you: She went to Rite-Aid without wearing make-up.  No, really, that's why she's trending.

3. TERRELL OWENS
Why he's trending: The Kardashian of the NFL, Owens may have already worn out his welcome with the Seattle Seahawks, his 18th professional football team.  In fairness, he's been with the team for nearly a week, thus confounding the expectations of his doubters by a good seven days.

2. TEEN SUES BURGER KING
Why it's trending: Ashanti McShan is suing Burger King for religious discrimination.  When she came to her orientation wearing a long skirt--as required by her Pentecostal religion--instead of black pants--as required by the high holy men of the fast-food franchise--the manager told her to leave.  I'm not entirely certain about the law here: Burger King is a private corporation and would seem able to hire whomever it wants, but at the same time, McShan claims she was told at her interview that her religiously mandated attire would be no problem.

Ultimately, I hope the restaurant prevails.  After all, when I go to Burger King, I'm not just going for the "food"!  I'm going for the complete experience!  Plastic chairs!  Flourescent lighting! And, by God!, ebon-slacked employees!

1. VIVIENNE JOLIE-PITT
Why she's trending: The 4-year-old daughter of Brangelina will make her acting debut opposite her mom in "Maleficent," a live-action version of Sleeping Beauty.  I guess Honey Boo Boo was unavailable.