Couldn't the Republicans Write-in Alan Alda?

In "The West Wing," President Bartlett (Martin Sheen) cruised to re-election, trouncing dimwitted conservative Florida governor Robert Ritchie (James Brolin).

Truth imitates fiction! Governor Ritchie has just entered the race for the Republican nomination; only he's calling himself Rick Perry, governor of Texas.

Personally, we'd rather have Ritchie.  At least then you knew Barbra Streisand was really pulling the strings.  Plus he's fictional.  Perry is all too frighteningly real.

Perry, in case you missed it, led a giant prayer rally in Houston last weekend.  So much for the First Amendment.  In fairness, the rally was non-denominational: Members of all faiths--Christian, Jew, Muslim--could "[call] on Jesus to bless and guide the nation's military and political leaders."  Atheists, of course, were shit out of luck.

We would mock Perry's chances.  After all, he is a chuckleheaded paleoconservative with very little going for him except a well-oiled fund-raising machine.  Even if he got the nomination, he should have little chance against a smart, Nobel Prize-winning incumbent like President Obama (who whatever his shortcomings is infinitely preferable to this right-wing neanderthal).  Then again, people said the same thing when George W. first went up against Al Gore.

Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

BONUS POSTING: Trend Update

Hi folks.

We just noticed this incomplete draft of Wednesday's posting.  We KNOW we completed the post, but, looking at our blog, we see it never made it to the actual "Musings" page.  More disappointingly, the trending topics have, obviously, changed since Wednesday, and for some reason Blogger.com didn't save the entire thing.  Anyway, here is the partial post that we did on Wednesday--lest you think we missed a day.

Here are the top-trending topics on Yahoo! as of 4:42 PST:

10. ANARCHY:  Well, of course.  We've all been shaken up by the stories and images coming out of London and other British cities.  Since the police shot an alleged gang member in Tottenham last week, the streets have been ablaze, looters are running rampant, smashing windows and clashing with police.  The country is in a state of near-total breakdown, and--oh, wait.  This is about the release of a trailer for season 4 of "Sons of Anarchy."  Good to see that everyone's priorities are in the right place.

9. SILVER PRICES: Unsurprisingly, in these times of economic uncertainty, more and more people are putting their money into "hard" currency reserves;  Gold leads the way, but the price of silver is climbing, too.  A few more market sessions like today's (down 520 points), and you can expect increases in other elemental commodities: bronze, copper. . . tungsten.  When manganese hits 100, we're moving to Canada.

8. DIABETES: Researchers have established that the consumption of red meat increases one's risk for diabetes--especially when it's coated in fudge.

7. EMERIL LAGASSE: The Ragin' Cajun (or was that James Carville?) will join the cast of "Top Chef:Texas."   He's not replacing Padma Lakshmi, is he?  No?  Well then, who cares?  Bam!

6. JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT: Ms. Hewitt  (Ms. Love?  Ms. Love Hewitt? "J-Lo"--not that one, the other one?) has a crush on the runner-up from "The Bachelorette."  We don't really have a joke for this, mainly because we can never keep straight who Jennifer Love Hewitt is.  We always get her mixed up with Jennifer Garner and Sarah Michelle Gellar and the girl from "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."  What's that?  Oh, really?  Apparently Sarah Michelle Gellar is the girl from "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer."  Why she wants to date the runner-up from "The Bachelorette" is beyond us.

5. FORECLOSURES: The Obama administration is considering a plan whereby government-owned foreclosures would be turned into rental properties, theoretically stimulating the housing industry while at the same time increasing the stock of badly needed rentals.  Sounds like a reasonable plan, but just try to get your security deposit back from those guys when your lease is up,

4. JANE FONDA: Has a new book out about aging.  Apparently the secret to aging gracefully is to eat right, exercise, and marry a billionaire.

Heavy Philopsophical Question

As we were eating our clown-themed fast-food restaurant breakfast sandwich this morning, we found ourselves troubled.  Not by the fact that we were eating a breakfast sandwich from a clown-themed fast-food restaurant.  No, we were confused by the proper orientation of our sandwich.  Consisting of a sausage patty and melted cheese on a muffin, we couldn't tell which side was the "top."  Was this a sausage sandwich with cheese on top, OR was it a cheese sandwich with a sausage "topping it off," in the same way that bacon tops off a cheeseburger?  We took a bite out of the sandwich one way, then the other way.  We couldn't figure out which way provided the best sandwiching experience.  We sat and pondered our sandwich for some time, until it became far too cold to eat.

Now we're just hungry.

Odds and Ends

Hey, everybody, want to see some EXTREME parallel-parking?   No?  Well, OK, don't click here, then.
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According to market researchers, Casey Anthony is the most-hated person in America.  We didn't even know there was a contest!  We would have tried harder.

To put things in perspective, the "alleged" child-murderer was disliked by 94% of survey respondents.  She beat out Spencer Pratt, whoever that is, who came in second at 88% and the Octomom (87%).  Disturbingly, Pratt and Octomom are more disliked than OJ Simpson.  We can only assume that those who were more forgiving of OJ's murders than of reality-show shenanigans and excessive childbearing have never seen any of OJ's movies.  Otherwise he should have easily outpolled even Anthony.
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If the groom isn't the best man at a wedding, why is the bride marrying him?

She'll Be Back (Mann)

"Representative Michele Bachmann of Minnesota drew booming applause. . .when she pledged to confront the establishment, declaring, 'Behind this dress is a titanium spine!'"
--"Republicans Jockey as a Big Week Begins in Iowa"

Beyond the questionable choice of preposition--aren't spines usually "under" dresses?--Rep. Bachmann's comment sheds light on one of the more confounding mysteries of President Obama's time in office, specifically, his apparent unwillingness to stand up to the more extreme elements of the Republican party. It occured to us that President Obama bears a passing resemblance to noted character actor Joe Morton:

Hey, we'd cast him for the Obama biopic--he even played a senator running for president in an episode of "House."

Anyway, this explains everything!  Because Morton, as Dr. Miles Bennet, came to a bad end in a movie--at the hands of a killer with--wait for it--A TITANIUM SPINE!

(OK, the T1000's spine was PROBABLY made of some kind of weird titanium-esque alloy, but the point is still valid.)

Look, the point is this.  We understand Obama's fear, but we NEED him to step up.  Maybe Hillary can channel her inner Linda Hamilton and help him beat Bachmann.  Here in California, we've had some experience with "titanium-spined" executives.

 

It didn't work out too well.

And Don't Even THINK about Pillow Cases!

The Shabab, which has pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda, has imposed a brutal reign in areas it controls, chopping off hands of petty thieves, lashing women for showing their ankles and beheading anyone deemed a spy. They also banned music, television, gold teeth and bras, branding them un-Islamic.
      --"Shabab Concede Control of Capitol to Somalia Government"

Gold teeth?   Bras?!?   You get the feeling fundamentalists just sit around coming up with shit to declare "un-Islamic"?  Thank Allah that the Reeseseses weren't from, like, Afghanistan.  Mixing chocolate and peanut butter must be haram (forbidden).  Not only would that happy accident not result in a delicious treat but it would likely end up in a beheading.

Can you imagine the minutes of a Mullah-meeting?

"Last week we declared the following things haram: CD players, DVDs, mini-skirts, gold jewelry, silver jewelry, platinum jewelry, and jewelry; chocolate, cigarettes, chocolate cigarettes, and waffles; and seasons 3 through 5 of 'Lost.'

"We have discussed several items since the last meeting and have made the following additions to the haram list:

--Plungers

--"Star Trek" (the Klingon language sounds too much like Hebrew)

--The works of Carrot Top

--Flounder (too Jewish)

--Any use of the word "philately" (we don't know what it means, but it sounds dirty)
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[Please direct your fatwas to the offices of former Senator Rick Santorum--oh, and add "Santorum" to the list of forbidden things.  Go ahead, Google it.  You'll thank us later.]

Debt Watch II

And so the United States continues its rapid descent toward banana-republic status, at least as determined by Standard and Poor's.  The debt-rating agency downgraded US creditworthiness Friday, based upon concerns about political paralysis and the ever-growing size of the national debt.  Some have complained that S&P should not base credit ratings on political (in)activity, since the rating agency has no way of knowing what the future political climate will be.  The imminent formation of a congressional "super-committee" to address the national debt will surely herald a new era of good feelings and pajama-parties between Democrats and Republicans.  Standard and Poor's demonstrates unwarranted pessimism by projecting continued political dysfunction/

Hey, it could happen.

We, however, object more to S&P's financial logic.

Standard and Poor's downgraded US credit because of the growing multi-trillion dollar national debt.  Sounds prudent enough. . . until you think about it for more than a second and a half.

Why has the debt has grown so huge?  The debt has grown enormously over the last few years at least partially because of stimulus projects undertaken by both the Obama and Bush II administrations.  Why did the administrations undertake these stimulus projects?  To counteract the worst effects of the financial crisis of 2008--and arguably they succeeded in averting a worldwide depression.  And what caused--or at least exacerbated--the financial crisis?  The collapse of the housing market.  And why did the housing market collapse cause so much pain?  Because investors had poured money into mortgage-backed securities, which turned out to be worthless.  And why did savvy investors pour so much money into impenetrably convoluted funds that turned out to be worthless?  That probably had something to do with the fact that these investors were assured that these impenetrably convoluted funds were relatively safe investments.  And what made them think this?  The fact that ratings firms like, oh, Standard & Poor's rated these funds AAA.  In other words, investing in mortgage-backed securities was promoted as being as safe as investing in the unshakable institution known as United States treasury bills.

Now, one could argue that the downgrading of US debt simply reflects the admirably chastened attitude of bond raters.  Rather than risk being burned again by overly rosy ratings of securities that are, at bottom, fundamentally unsound, Standard and Poor's has taken a more conservative approach, thereby serving their clients well.  We can't help, however, but find something at best hypocritical and at worst unethical in S&P's downgrading of debt that they themselves are at least partially responsible for causing to skyrocket.  But then, the Solipsist is just an English teacher, not a sophisticated economic analyst; what seems to us disingenuous financial chicanery must be something else.

Mustn't it?

Solipsistography
"Amid Criticism on Downgrade of U.S., S&P Fires Back"