Want Our Vote? Give Us a Dollar

The Supreme Court will soon issue a ruling on campaign finance laws. The general fear is that the outcome of this case--Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission--will effectively eviscerate campaign finance reform laws put in place after Watergate ("Courts Roll Back Limits on Election Spending").

Citizens United is a conservative organization that funded "Hillary: The Movie," a not-so-thinly veiled, feature-length attack on then-Senator Hillary Clinton, during the 2008 presidential campaign. Should the Court rule in favor of Citizens United--as is largely expected--it may invalidate much of the previous legislation (e.g., McCain-Feingold) designed to discourage exorbitant spending by wealthy individuals, corporations, unions, and other interest groups to support or attack candidates for public office.

What astounds us is the amount of money being thrown around in pursuit of an ever-diminishing population of "swing" (i.e., "persuadable") voters. Because those are the only logical targets for such marketing. Unless Obama had been running against Charles Manson, the Solipsist would have voted for him in 2008 regardless of any advertising campaigns. (Wait. . . V.P. Palin? Screw it, we'd vote for Manson.) Similarly, people like FOFOS would presumably have voted for McCain even if the man had had a stroke the day before the election. The ads don't matter. If anything, all the propaganda about Comrade Obama, the socialist, secret Muslim, terrorist sympathizer, only strengthened our resolve to support the man.

So what we'd like to see is a ban on ALL television advertising from ANY interest groups. We're sure that labor unions--which we support--could find a better use for the millions upon millions of dollars they spend on ads. And big businessmen could save all that money for undeserved bonuses.

But wait, you object, what ABOUT those persuadable voters? Shouldn't these groups be allowed to spend whatever they want to get their message out to those folks? Perhaps.

OK, how about this? (We're just spitballing here, so we need to work out the details.) All the organizations and corporations and rich folks who want to contribute money throw it into a massive pool. This pool is then divided equally among everyone who votes on election day--probably about $5 a person by the time all the accounting is done. In exchange, the candidates agree to wear corporate logos during all public appearances--like NASCAR drivers (e.g., John McCain, brought to you by Exxon; Barack Obama, brought to you by the AFL-CIO).

Everybody would know where the candidates stood on the issues, we'd increase voter participation, and everyone gets a little spending money on Election Day, which is good for the economy! Win, win, win! God, we're good.

Addendum

All right. For the first time EVER we agree with Blogger.com and its "Blogs of Note." Check our "Sleep-Talkin' Man" (the link is on our blog list to the right). Hysterical!

More tomorrow.

Odds to No Particular End

"Obama Details New Policies in Response to Terror Threat" provokes some deep thoughts.


"The man [who attempted to blow up an airliner], Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, 23, is to be arraigned Friday on charges of attempted murder on a plane, attempted use of a weapon of mass destruction and other offenses."

Is anyone else in the Nation surprised to find out that "attempted murder on a plane" is a specific crime? We were. Further research unearthed some other little-known aggravating factors in the criminal code. If you plan to attempt murder, please be aware of these:


--Attempted murder on a carousel
--Attempted murder in Kentucky
--Attempted murder with a llama


Interestingly, "Attempted murder at a Bar Mitzvah" is a lesser offense in New York. Obviously sympathetic legislators have been to one too many of those.


(Digression: Sideshow Bob: I am, currently, in prison--FOR A CRIME I DIDN'T COMMIT! "Attempted murder!" Do they give a Nobel Prize for "attempted chemistry"?!? EOD)



***
"The internal report. . . blamed a host of errors for the intelligence lapse, including a misspelling of Mr. Abdulmutallab's name."


Sloppy, sure, but we were willing to cut analysts some slack for misspelling a name like "Abdulmutallab." Until we found out that they had spelled it "Ira Finkelberg."


***
Check out the italicized section:


"The White House released the declassified report in an effort to show that the administration is conducting its business with transparency and willing to admit mistakes in order to correct them. The classified version offered a far starker view, officials said, of how close the United States came to averting the near tragedy."

Huh?

Wasn't the "near tragedy" averted? For that matter, if you avert a "near" tragedy, couldn't that be interpreted as saying the tragedy itself was not averted? Who edits this stuff?


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Our influence is spreading!


Faithful Sloppists read our commentary on Affluenza: The All-Consuming Epidemic. Yesterday, we received an e-mail from one of the co-authors! John de Graaf writes:


"Thanks much for the kind review of Affluenza. It's the first time it's ever been reviewed by a raccoon!"


Thank God he did not see through our clever disguise!


(Digression: While we appreciate Mr. De Graaf's appreciation, we notice that he, like a disturbing number of Sloppists, has a problem with the spelling of our name. For future reference, please note that 'solipsist' is spelled. . . well, it's spelled 'solipsist.' Not 'silopsist,' not 'solopsist.' And certainly not 'ellipsis'--you know who you are! EOD)


This makes us wonder how many other best-selling writers are members of Solipsist Nation, just waiting to reveal themselves until they are mentioned and hyperlinked in a post. Hmmm. . . .


The Solipsist is a huge admirer of Harlan Ellison. . . .


He would also enjoy having lunch with Stephen King, Michael Chabon, and/or Neil Gaiman. . . .


Maybe he could get his picture taken with Thomas Pynchon. . . . (The latter link is, unsurprisingly, an unauthorized webpage--we expect the webmaster will pass our comments along to Mr. Pynchon.)


And now, we wait!

And After You Buy Your 3-D TV. . .

"To the dismay of safety advocates already worried about driver distraction, automakers and high-tech companies have found a new place to put sophisticated Internet-connected computers: the front seat.
"Technology giants like Intel and Google are turning their attention from the desktop to the dashboard, hoping to bring the power of the PC to the car. They see vast opportunity for profit in working with automakers to create the next generation of irresistible devices."
--"Despite Risks, Internet Creeps Onto Car Dashboards"

September 14, 2013--GM (Google Motors) unveiled the 2014 SmartCar today. Having acquired Sealy earlier this year in a hostile-but-still-not-evil takeover, Google has incorporated cutting-edge mattress technology into its new car design. The Posturepedic Drivers' Seat promises to provide much-needed power naps to even the most harried motorists.

When asked about the risks posed by snoozing drivers, Google spokesman Eldrick "Tiger" Woods brushed aside safety concerns. "At Google, we are all for safety. To be against safety would be evil. And we are not evil. We feel confident that our stern consumer warnings against sleeping while driving will be more than sufficient to prevent our followers--customers!--from drifting off in the plush, warm, memory-foam filled pilot's chair that just seems to wrap you up. . . like a big hug. . . .from mommmmiiirrrrzzzz. . . ."

At this point, Mr. Woods, who was sitting in a model of the Posturepedic Drivers Seat, fell asleep.

Since pioneering dashboard Internet in 2010, Google has introduced a steady stream of automotive technology designed to provide a fully immersive driving experience: the "Mr. Dashboard" Espresso System (2011); the "Rolling Nautilus" complete upper-body workout(2012); and this year's immensely popular "Go and Go" onboard personal waste disposal facility--which Google engineers have ensured will be compatible with the new Posturepedic seat.

Despite continuous handwringing by safety advocates, Google's innovations have been associated with a mere 17% increase in automotive fatalities.

"Now more than ever, people live in their cars," Mr. Woods said upon awakening. "We just want to make the experience as rich as possible."

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Solipsistic Update

We haven't watched "Dragon's Den" in awhile.

Swine Flu Was Nothing

We've been reading Affluenza: The All-Consuming Epidemic (2005) by John de Graaf, David Wann, and Thomas H. Naylor. Admittedly, not the type of book we normally indulge in, our tastes running more to literary and speculative fiction. The book, however, is on the required reading list for a class we're teaching next semester, and it's a compelling--if not overly surprising--read.


The authors define "affluenza" as "a painful, contagious, socially transmitted condition of overload, debt, anxiety, and waste resulting from the dogged pursuit of more" (2). It will come as no surprise to Solipsist Nation that the US is gripped by an affluenza epidemic. Even YNSHC, generally unconcerned about "keeping up with the Joneses," discovered--after taking the "affluenza self-diagnosis test"--that he, too, is infected (albeit with a comparatively mild case). Our thoughts turn self-loathingly to the storage space we rent to hold all the unnecessary junk that we just can't summon up the will to sort through.


Although the authors have a bit of a fixation on leaf blowers as a symbol of excess--


(Digression: What do they think? That leaves are just going to blow themselves? EOD)


--the book itself is written engagingly. Chapter titles cleverly extend the metaphor of compulsive consumption as flu-like illness. The book was actually written as a sort of sequel or companion-piece to a PBS documentary, and the short chapters and breezy style convey the book's message nicely for a general audience.


We wondered, since the 2nd edition was published in 2005, before the financial apocalypse of the last couple of years, if the was still as relevant. Then we read this in today's paper:


"In [developing 3-D technology], television makers see an opportunity to persuade households that have already bought HDTV's to return to the electronics store. Though television sales jumped 17% percent in 2009, the industry needs new innovations to keep the cash register ringing." ("Television Begins a Push Into the 3rd Dimension")


We feel a chill coming on.

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Solipsistic Update

We introduce a new semi-regular feature: Solipsistic Updates. We'll look back at this date in Solipsist history and bring the Nation up to speed on where the year has brought us.

On January 6, 2009, we wrote "Not Just for Kittens Anymore," a relentless and penetrating look at the extravagances of Bernie Madoff. We were stunned to hear that Madoff had squandered his clients' hard-earned and cluelessly invested cash on such things as $200 mittens. Talk about affluenza!

Since then, of course, Madoff has been sentenced to a frankly sarcastic 150 years in jail. More importantly, we admit our short-sightedness: Who could have seen that Mitten Dynamics, Inc., would be the hottest growth stock of 2009? For dissuading Solipsist Nation from any thoughts of investing, we're very sorry. (NB: We predict big movement in the shawl market for the second quarter.)

Spare Time (A Brief Post)

Want to be fashionable? Forget Ralph Lauren. Think Ralph Kramden. The newest New York City hotspots--complete with bouncers and velvet ropes--are upscale bowling alleys ("True Economic Barometer? How About Bowling").

Bowling. It's not just for overweight Rotarians anymore.

And the beautiful people frequenting the alleys sometimes don't even bowl well--if at all. Some are just there for the atmosphere. And of course the drinks. White Russians, perhaps? It would make sense: A semi-well-known piece of Lebowskiana is that, throughout the entire movie, the Dude never actually bowls. (And if anyone out there is asking "What movie?". . . . Well, we're just sad, that's all.)

(Image from The New York Times)

From the People Who Brought You Idi Amin. . . .

. . . and not the cute, cuddly Idi Amin portrayed by Forest Whitaker, either--we're talking the real cuckoo deal. . . .

Proposed legislation in Uganda would ban homosexuality. Well, OK, you say: Backwards and wrong-headed, but, y'know, if it's good enough for the Boy Scouts, who are we to judge?

Fair enough. But wait: Proposed legislation in Uganda would ban homosexuality and make it a crime punishable by DEATH: The "anti-homosexuality bill . . . threatens to hang homosexuals" ("Americans Role Seen in Uganda Anti-Gay Push"). And that headline is the piece de resistance. Because the impetus for this legislation came after a visit by a group of American Evangelicals who toured Uganda espousing the evil of homosexuality.

But we didn't mean to, they protest! "That's horrible, absolutely horrible," says Don Schmierer, one of the speakers, who goes on to say that "Some of the nicest people I have ever met are gay people." Nice, but, apparently, diseased, and thus he has dedicated himself to "mobilizing the body of Christ to minister grace and truth to a world impacted by homosexuality." (Hmmm. . . Hey, Don, what's with the fascination with Christ's "body"? Sounds a little swishy to us.)

The two other proselytizers, Scott Lively, "a missionary who has written several books against homosexuality," and Lee Brundidge, "a self-described former gay man," have expressed similar shock and disappointment at the Ugandan legislation. This despite the fact that Lively has acknowledged meeting with Ugandan lawmakers to discuss the legislation. In his defense, though, he says he is "very disappointed that the legislation was so harsh." Perhaps simple castration and/or life imprisonment would be punishment enough, Scott?

The Ugandan government should be ashamed of itself, but, frankly, we almost admire those lawmakers' lack of hypocrisy: They don't like gay people and are willing to stand behind their (hateful) beliefs.

The true villains here are these three apostles of hatred and all those who follow them. Those who promote a message that homosexuality is "an evil institution" but then pretend to be dismayed when someone actually listens to their words.

Tell it to the gun-toting psychopaths who hang on the words of Dick Cheney when he calls President Obama a traitor, or of Sarah Palin when she accuses candidate Obama of "pallin' around with terrorists.'"

Tell it to the family of Dr. George Tiller.

To quote Shakespeare, "Methinks they doth protest too much." Or, for something that they may be more familiar with: "They sow the wind and reap the whirlwind" (Hosea 8:7).

Nogbloggin' (or, It's Funny Because It's Egg Nog)

Yesterday at the supermarket, we stood in line behind a man purchasing a quart of egg nog. WOS suggested the man probably just had some leftover rum, but we suspect he may simply be a true nog enthusiast. This got us wondering about how many nog-lovers there are throughout this great land of ours--those for whom the days, weeks, months between advents are one constant supermarket scavenger hunt. We conducted (or, more accurately, made up) some research and here present some fun facts about this time-honored yuletide treat.

First, to the question of egg nog's popularity: In the 2003 National American Drinks Survey (the last year for which complete data was available), 1.3% of respondents named nog their favorite beverage. While far behind coffee, cola, and water, nog placed higher than Tab, Zima, or Coca-Cola Blak.


President Calvin Coolidge (1923-29) kept a nog-stocked refrigerator in a room off the Oval Office--the same room, incidentally, where President Bill Clinton (1993-2001) had his notorious tryst with Monica Lewinsky.


Like its similarly named cousin the egg cream, traditional egg nog contains neither eggs nor nog. The standard recipe for egg nog calls for equal measurements cream, rum, and spite.


Egg nog's image has over the centuries undergone a 180 degree transformation. Originally devised by the Spanish Inquisition as an alternative to the rack and thumbscrews, egg nog is now seen as a "warm," "homey," and even "tolerable" drink by most. The commercial rehabilitation of nog began in the late 17th century, when Spanish brewmasters began marketing egg nog with the slogan, "Huevo nog. Se no solo de herejes nunca mas!" ("Egg nog. It's not just for heretics anymore!")

In 1926, Barton's Dairy of Lempster, New Hampshire, attempted to expand the market for nog-based drinks beyond the Christmas season. Their summer offering, cheese nog, was not a success.

Subsequent concoctions, including raisin nog, beet nog, and turkey nog met with a similar lack of enthusiasm.

Many Americans confuse egg nog with "wassail"--a traditional liquor associated with Christmas in England. They are not the same thing. In fact, wassail does not exist.