"To the dismay of safety advocates already worried about driver distraction, automakers and high-tech companies have found a new place to put sophisticated Internet-connected computers: the front seat.
"Technology giants like Intel and Google are turning their attention from the desktop to the dashboard, hoping to bring the power of the PC to the car. They see vast opportunity for profit in working with automakers to create the next generation of irresistible devices."
--"Despite Risks, Internet Creeps Onto Car Dashboards"
September 14, 2013--GM (Google Motors) unveiled the 2014 SmartCar today. Having acquired Sealy earlier this year in a hostile-but-still-not-evil takeover, Google has incorporated cutting-edge mattress technology into its new car design. The Posturepedic Drivers' Seat promises to provide much-needed power naps to even the most harried motorists.
When asked about the risks posed by snoozing drivers, Google spokesman Eldrick "Tiger" Woods brushed aside safety concerns. "At Google, we are all for safety. To be against safety would be evil. And we are not evil. We feel confident that our stern consumer warnings against sleeping while driving will be more than sufficient to prevent our followers--customers!--from drifting off in the plush, warm, memory-foam filled pilot's chair that just seems to wrap you up. . . like a big hug. . . .from mommmmiiirrrrzzzz. . . ."
At this point, Mr. Woods, who was sitting in a model of the Posturepedic Drivers Seat, fell asleep.
Since pioneering dashboard Internet in 2010, Google has introduced a steady stream of automotive technology designed to provide a fully immersive driving experience: the "Mr. Dashboard" Espresso System (2011); the "Rolling Nautilus" complete upper-body workout(2012); and this year's immensely popular "Go and Go" onboard personal waste disposal facility--which Google engineers have ensured will be compatible with the new Posturepedic seat.
Despite continuous handwringing by safety advocates, Google's innovations have been associated with a mere 17% increase in automotive fatalities.
"Now more than ever, people live in their cars," Mr. Woods said upon awakening. "We just want to make the experience as rich as possible."
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Solipsistic Update
We haven't watched "Dragon's Den" in awhile.
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ReplyDeleteAh! Some of your finest work yet!
ReplyDeleteAwesome! I can Tweet while driving, as it should be.
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