According to a government report released yesterday, the following items cause or may cause cancer: formaldehyde, styrene, aristolochic acids, captafol, finely spun glass wool fibers, cobalt-tungsten carbide, riddelliine, and ortho-nitrotoluene.
Additionally, rheumatoid arthritis may be caused by naphthalene, atrapine, tangerines, and excessive weeping.
Kentucky-grown cotton and puffins have been linked to diphtheria.
Doubling one's intake of risotto in white wine sauce may reduce one's risk of whooping cough by more than 87%; however, it also increases the probability that one will contract "Arkansas Knee."
Radon leads to excessive hair-growth in people of Mauritanian descent.
Zinc oxide has been conclusively linked with night-giggles; its effect may be countered by daily infusions of eel placenta.
Reading the newspaper can lead to weary resignation.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Getting All Maverick-y
The Solipsist hates Texas. From George W. Bush to Rick Perry, from Big Oil to Country & Western music, Texas has subjected the nation to a great many indignities. With the exception of a diminishing number of relatives and the small island of progressive thought that is Austin, there is not much in the Lone Star State that does not elicit our disgust.
However, as much as we hate Texas, we hate Florida even more. Sure, we have a number of relatives there, but DOS is really a New Yorker who just happens to live in Florida; COS would much rather be in San Francisco; and ACOS. . . well, ACOS is just misguided. But think about it: What's the most famous thing Florida has ever given this country? PRESIDENT George W. Bush (BY WAY OF TEXAS!). So when it came right down to it, our rooting choice for the NBA Finals was a no-brainer: Dallas Mavericks all the way.
We don't know what will happen in the next game or two. The Heat will be back in Miami, so they may very well rally and win the next two games and the series. Nevertheless, we wish to express our appreciation for the fact that Dallas has played the heavily-favored Heat so well so far. We also want to express our admiration for the Mavericks' superstar forward Dirk Nowitzki for (A) performing like the second coming of Larry Bird; (B) thoroughly outplaying Mr. LeBron "Take Your Talents to South Beach and Shove 'Em" James; and (C) demonstrating to tall, lanky doofuses everywhere that a sports career is not an impossible dream.
Mavericks: John McCain and Sarah Palin stole that word; Nowitzki and company are stealing it back.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Ranting and Ridiculousness
Two things from today's paper:
First, the soapbox: An article about the weak economy's impact on federal budget negotiations discusses various options under discussion, including things like raising taxes, cutting government spending, providing more fiscal stimulus, extending unemployment benefits, etc.
We realize this is nothing new, and we should no longer be surprised at the misanthropy exemplified by Republican politicians. What we can no longer fathom is how, with policies so blatantly contemptuous of lower-class and, franly, middle-class Americans these people can continue to be elected. There are certainly more lower- and middle-class voters than wealthy ones. Who votes for these people?!?
On the lighter side:
Another article details the increase in the amount of business loans being made by hedge funds, as opposed to more conventional lenders. We don't have anything to say about the article per se, but the writer does quote extensively from a businessman who has received loans from a hedge-fund: the chief executive of Rentech, D. Hunt Ramsbottom.
Some cable network should snap this guy up for a talk-show immediately and pair him up with the recently scandal-plagued congressman from New York: We figure "The Weiner-Ramsbottom Hour" would become instant appointment television.
Solipsistography
"Bank Said No? Hedge Funds Fill a Void in Lending"
"Economy's Woes Shift the Focus of Budget Talks"
First, the soapbox: An article about the weak economy's impact on federal budget negotiations discusses various options under discussion, including things like raising taxes, cutting government spending, providing more fiscal stimulus, extending unemployment benefits, etc.
"Republicans would probably support extending the tax cuts, but not the unemployment aid. 'I don’t know if throwing more money at the problem is going to solve anything,' Reince Priebus, the Republican Party chairman, said Wednesday at a breakfast hosted by Bloomberg News."In other words, in times of fiscal calamity, the Republican Party would unapologetically look out for the interests of the wealthy while declining to maintain a lifeline for the unemployed.
We realize this is nothing new, and we should no longer be surprised at the misanthropy exemplified by Republican politicians. What we can no longer fathom is how, with policies so blatantly contemptuous of lower-class and, franly, middle-class Americans these people can continue to be elected. There are certainly more lower- and middle-class voters than wealthy ones. Who votes for these people?!?
On the lighter side:
Another article details the increase in the amount of business loans being made by hedge funds, as opposed to more conventional lenders. We don't have anything to say about the article per se, but the writer does quote extensively from a businessman who has received loans from a hedge-fund: the chief executive of Rentech, D. Hunt Ramsbottom.
Some cable network should snap this guy up for a talk-show immediately and pair him up with the recently scandal-plagued congressman from New York: We figure "The Weiner-Ramsbottom Hour" would become instant appointment television.
Solipsistography
"Bank Said No? Hedge Funds Fill a Void in Lending"
"Economy's Woes Shift the Focus of Budget Talks"
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Trending Now
Because nobody demanded it, it's time once again to count down Yahoo's trendiest stories as of 7:04 pm PST.
10: EARLY HITLER LETTER: "Dear Aunt Hildegarde. How are you? I am fine. Thank you for the socks. I liked them very much. I cannot wait to see you and Uncle Bram at Walpurgisnacht. Kill the Jews. Love, Adolf."
9. NEW DOG BREEDS: The American Kennel Club has given its seal of approval to three new breeds of dog: the Icelandic Sheepdog, the Cane Corso, and the Leonberger. These dogs, previously malformed mutts, are now officially beautiful.
8. ONLINE ADVERTISING: As if it weren't pervasive enough! Now it's trendy!
7. KATY PERRY: We're beginning to suspect that Katy Perry is just the new Lady Gaga: She MUST be included in any list of things trendy.
6. PIPPA MIDDLETON: The sister of the new Duchess of Cambridge lost the "rear of the year" competition. She was beaten out by fifty-year-old (!) TV presenter Carol Vorderman. Doesn't that make Vorderman the trendy one?
5. OIL EXPLORATION: Exxon has discovered a large oil patch in the Gulf of Mexico. So everyone can sleep easy tonight knowing that Exxon will be OK.
4. ANNA KOURNIKOVA: She's joining the cast of "The Biggest Loser." Not sure whether they selected her for her expertise on fitness or on losing.
3. ABE VIGODA: In the latest and most disturbing detail yet to emerge from the Anthony Weiner Twitter scandal, elderly actor Abe Vigoda has revealed that he, in fact, was a recipient of the congressman's more racy tweets. (OK, he was really just one of the people to bid Meredith Vieira farewell on the "Today" show, but we like our story better.)
2. KARINA SMIRNOFF: A "Dancing with the Stars" regular, she's marrying pitcher Brad Penny. Yeah, we don't know why anyone would care, either.
And, the number one trendiest story at this moment is. . . .
1. TITANIC II: Don't worry, it's not a James Cameron film. . . well, not yet, anyway. Englishman Mark Wilkerson bought a second-hand cabin-cruiser, and, on his maiden voyage. . . . Yup. Wilkerson escaped relatively unharmed, and he would thank all "well" wishers not to ask if he hit an iceberg. He didn't.
10: EARLY HITLER LETTER: "Dear Aunt Hildegarde. How are you? I am fine. Thank you for the socks. I liked them very much. I cannot wait to see you and Uncle Bram at Walpurgisnacht. Kill the Jews. Love, Adolf."
9. NEW DOG BREEDS: The American Kennel Club has given its seal of approval to three new breeds of dog: the Icelandic Sheepdog, the Cane Corso, and the Leonberger. These dogs, previously malformed mutts, are now officially beautiful.
8. ONLINE ADVERTISING: As if it weren't pervasive enough! Now it's trendy!
7. KATY PERRY: We're beginning to suspect that Katy Perry is just the new Lady Gaga: She MUST be included in any list of things trendy.
6. PIPPA MIDDLETON: The sister of the new Duchess of Cambridge lost the "rear of the year" competition. She was beaten out by fifty-year-old (!) TV presenter Carol Vorderman. Doesn't that make Vorderman the trendy one?
5. OIL EXPLORATION: Exxon has discovered a large oil patch in the Gulf of Mexico. So everyone can sleep easy tonight knowing that Exxon will be OK.
4. ANNA KOURNIKOVA: She's joining the cast of "The Biggest Loser." Not sure whether they selected her for her expertise on fitness or on losing.
3. ABE VIGODA: In the latest and most disturbing detail yet to emerge from the Anthony Weiner Twitter scandal, elderly actor Abe Vigoda has revealed that he, in fact, was a recipient of the congressman's more racy tweets. (OK, he was really just one of the people to bid Meredith Vieira farewell on the "Today" show, but we like our story better.)
2. KARINA SMIRNOFF: A "Dancing with the Stars" regular, she's marrying pitcher Brad Penny. Yeah, we don't know why anyone would care, either.
And, the number one trendiest story at this moment is. . . .
1. TITANIC II: Don't worry, it's not a James Cameron film. . . well, not yet, anyway. Englishman Mark Wilkerson bought a second-hand cabin-cruiser, and, on his maiden voyage. . . . Yup. Wilkerson escaped relatively unharmed, and he would thank all "well" wishers not to ask if he hit an iceberg. He didn't.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Coversation
We just saw a promo for a movie starring Bow Wow. We asked WOS whether Bow Wow was, in fact, "Lil' Bow Wow."
"Not anymore."
"No, but. . . WAS he 'Lil Bow Wow?"
"Yeah. Same guy."
"So, when did he become just Bow Wow?"
"When he grew up. . .?"
"OK, but, at what age does 'Lil Bow Wow become just Bow Wow?"
"Uh, I don't know. 18?"
"Does he have, like, a bar mitzvah or something?"
"Yes. He has a bar mitzvah. A very Bow Wow Bar Mitzvah."
"Ahhh. . .Good."
"Not anymore."
"No, but. . . WAS he 'Lil Bow Wow?"
"Yeah. Same guy."
"So, when did he become just Bow Wow?"
"When he grew up. . .?"
"OK, but, at what age does 'Lil Bow Wow become just Bow Wow?"
"Uh, I don't know. 18?"
"Does he have, like, a bar mitzvah or something?"
"Yes. He has a bar mitzvah. A very Bow Wow Bar Mitzvah."
"Ahhh. . .Good."
Monday, June 6, 2011
Guess We Saw That Coming
So to speak.
We had hoped that Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-Ironicnameopolis) did not actually tweet the now-infamous picture of his, um, legislative package. Frankly, though, he lost all credibility when he couldn't--or, more to the point, wouldn't--answer directly the question of whether the picture was him. Of course, it's not inconceivable that a man would be unable to identify a random penis, but any man can identify his own. Plus, given the angle at which the picture was taken--straight down--the fact that Wiener could not categorically deny that the picture was him proved that, if nothing else, he has taken such pictures. Either that, or that is one hell of a paparazzo.
Not that there's anything wrong with taking pictures of one's own assets. As with so many scandals, the problem lies not so much in the act itself as in the cover-up. Not that much was being covered up. You know what we mean.
We take no joy in today's announcement. From what we know of his politics, Rep. Weiner seems like a good guy who's on the right side of the issues. It remains to be seen whether this will be an utter career-killer (Weiner has said he won't resign), but certainly it deprives Democrats of a strong voice when they can use all of those they can get.
We had hoped that Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-Ironicnameopolis) did not actually tweet the now-infamous picture of his, um, legislative package. Frankly, though, he lost all credibility when he couldn't--or, more to the point, wouldn't--answer directly the question of whether the picture was him. Of course, it's not inconceivable that a man would be unable to identify a random penis, but any man can identify his own. Plus, given the angle at which the picture was taken--straight down--the fact that Wiener could not categorically deny that the picture was him proved that, if nothing else, he has taken such pictures. Either that, or that is one hell of a paparazzo.
Not that there's anything wrong with taking pictures of one's own assets. As with so many scandals, the problem lies not so much in the act itself as in the cover-up. Not that much was being covered up. You know what we mean.
We take no joy in today's announcement. From what we know of his politics, Rep. Weiner seems like a good guy who's on the right side of the issues. It remains to be seen whether this will be an utter career-killer (Weiner has said he won't resign), but certainly it deprives Democrats of a strong voice when they can use all of those they can get.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Wheeeeeee!
Oceanside, NY--13 children were injured when the bounce house in which they were frolicking was swept up by a sudden gust of wind (watch here). Interviewed immediately afterward, 12 of the 13 children said, "AGAIN!"
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