The Solipsist's New Groove

A fun time-waster 'cause we're too tired to come up with anything original right now. A Facebook friend posted the following activity:

Go to Wikipedia.org and click on "Random article." Whatever comes up will be the name of your rock band.


Next, go to Quotationspage.com, and, again, click on "Random quotes." Take the last few words on the last quote on the page. This will be the name of your album.


Finally, go to Flickr.com, and "Explore." The third picture that comes up will be your album cover.


So, our new band is Coconut Jam. Our new album will be called "Plow into a Parked Car." And here's our album cover:



It's gonna rock!

What's Your SIgn? (Plus, a Special Edition of "Stuff WOS Hates")

Astronomy--by far the lamest branch of the physical sciences--has finally started pulling its weight. Taking a break from such pointless pursuits as the search for planets capable of sustaining life, astronomers have set the Interweb abuzz with a revision of the zodiac. Due to shifts in Earth's orbit, the familiar twelve signs we all grew up with should expand to a nice, even 13.

The newest member of the astrological hall of fame? Ophiuchus! Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? The name is Greek for "serpent bearer" (ophi - 'snake'; ookus -'shlepper'); if you prefer, you can also refer to the constellation by its Latin name, Serpentarius, which is decidedly cooler, but also sounds like the name of someone who should be fighting Wonder Woman.

The announcement has caught astrologers and those who follow them (i.e., morons) off-guard. With the insertion of Ophiuchus into the rotation, all the other zodiacal signs have to shift. The Solipsist, for example, has just learned that he has all along been a Virgo trapped in a Libra's body: No wonder we've been so dyspeptic! All along, we thought we were "charming, good-looking, gentle and kind" (Libra) while we've actually been "creative delicate and intelligent." Ophiuchuses (Ophiuchi?) fall within the sign formerly known as Sagittarius and are thought to be lucky wisdom-seekers, as opposed to the more "optimistic" and lively Sagitarriususes.

(DIGRESSION: Does anyone else find it odd that all the characteristics associated with the signs of the zodiac are positive? What's the sign for jerks and Republicans? Cancer? EOD)

Whatever you think of the latest revelations, we wish to congratulate Parke Kunkle (yes, really), an instructor at the prestigious Minneapolis Community and Technical College (yes, really), for bringing Ophiuchus to the world's attention. We are pleased to report that other invstigators have followed Kunkle's lead, announcing discoveries heretofore considered too "pointless" for mainstream science:

--A group of metallurgists in Zurich have concluded that the "gold" found in pots at the ends of rainbows is actually a compound of precious and semi-precious metals, with trace amounts of yttrium.

--A biology professor in Nebraska has found the elusive "Third Eye": It's behind the gall bladder.

--The unicorn, according to zoologists in Manitoba, is actually a member of the rodent family, closely related to the capybara.

Science marches on!

*********************************************************

WOS here. I just wanted to say about this whole new zodiac sign: Ophiuchus?!? Ophibullshit!!! I mean, it would be one thing if it turned out that I was the snake sign! That would be cool. But there is no way in hell that I am a Sagittarius. I am as Capricorn as they come! Any astronomer wants to tell me different, he can come say it to my face! I'll give him an Ophiuchus he'll never forget!

Solipsistography:

Thirdage.com

Wikipedia

Zodiac Signs Meanings

Image from Ian Ridpath's Star Tales

If 6 Was 18 (with Apologies to Jimi Hendrix)

Jared L. Loughner's homicidal rampage has inspired a great deal of soul-searching. . . among community-college staff. Sure, in retrospect, his oddball outbursts, inappropriate giggling, and insistence "that the number six was actually the number 18" fairly scream potential spree-killer. But you have to understand: To a typical community-college teacher or administrator, he would have seemed just a slightly more off-kilter-than-usual representative of the type of student collectively known as "wackadoodles."

Every teacher has them, generally one or two per semester. Their exploits are often amusing, occasionally creepy, but invariably odd. And while it is easy to say, in retrospect, that there were signs of potentially violent behavior, we are actually impressed that Pima Community College took as many precautionary actions against Loughner as they did, ultimately suspending him from school and requiring him to receive psychiatric help before returning (which he never did).

Our own favorite oddball student was a young man we worked with back in New York. One day, "Dave" came into our tutoring center, walked up to our desk and asked, "Mr. Solipsist, is it OK to be afraid of dogs?"

We were used to Dave's odd conversational gambits, so we took this in stride.

"Well. . .it's 'OK' to be afraid of dogs. . . . I mean, if you are, you are. . . . ARE you afraid of dogs?"

"Actually, it's really just one dog."

"OK."

"Yeah, there's this dog I see every day."

"OK."

"And it's a really big dog."

"Uh-huh. Umm. . . Is the dog near where you live."

"No, I see it here at the school."

"Really."

"Yeah, there's this guy? And I always see him standing in front of the East Building? And he's got this big dog."

"Oh. . . . So. . . the dog's on a leash?"

"Yeah."

"Well, the dog's probably safe, but--"

"But it's a really big dog!"

"--but, OK. Look, if the dog makes you nervous, you could just cross the street, right?"

"Well, I guess, but. . . ."

"What?"

"Well, the guy is (lowering his voice) black."

"Oh. OK, so, are you worried that the guy will be offended if you cross the street? Like, he'll think you're a racist?"

"Well, maybe. Oh, and also. . . the guy is blind."

Loughners everywhere!

Solipsistography:

"'Creepy,' 'Very Hostile': A College Recorded Its Fears"

Image from Saycampuslife.com

Now Here's Something EVERYBODY Can Hate

Keith Olbermann has this regular feature called "The Worst Person in the World." This segment spotlights someone whose egregious bad taste, lack of civility, basic pigheadedness, etc., goes beyond all bounds of respectability and just generally makes the planet a less cheery place to be. We think Bill O'Reilly has received the honor 37 times.

We would like to nominate Fred Phelps, the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas, as Worst Person in the World. . .EVER. (OK, maybe Hitler was worse, but at least he made the trains run on time. . . .Or was that Mussolini?)

Compared to Phelps and his brood, Bill O'Reilly is Santa Claus. Glenn Beck is Gandhi. Sarah Palin is an amalgam of Martin Luther King and Einstein. What we're saying here is, this guy is just BAD.

WBC believes that America has become the literal enemy of God because of the country's tolerant attitude toward deviance: abortion, homosexuality, Judaism--you get the idea. A couple of choice morsels from their website, "godhatesfags.com" (yes, we're serious):

"Since 1955, WBC has taken forth the precious from the vile, and so is as the mouth of God (Jer. 15:19). In 1991, WBC began conducting peaceful demonstrations opposing the fag lifestyle of soul-damning, nation-destroying filth."

"'GOD HATES FAGS' -- though elliptical [?!?] -- is a profound theological statement, which the world needs to hear more than it needs oxygen, water and bread"

There's a part of us that wonders if this is meant to be satire. Can they possibly be serious?

Dead serious, apparently. The "church" has a particularly colorful way of protesting America's moral failings: They picket funerals. And not just any funerals--funerals of dead soldiers and other agents of moral failure. The other day, WBC announced plans to protest at the funerals of Judge John Roll and the other victims of Jared Loughner, including (that's right!) nine-year-old Christina Green. Today, however, WBC agreed to avoid Christina's funeral--not for the reason you might think (simple human decency)--but because a Phoenix radio host offered them airtime if they would stay away.

In this hyperpartisan age of rancor between left and right, Democrat and Republican, it's refreshing to note that there are people out there like James Phelps, who can truly bring the American people together. You know, if we could just get him to speak out in favor of tax cuts for the rich and other elements of the right-wing agenda, we might actually see some progressive legislation pass. Just a thought.

Solipsistography:
CNN.com: "Obama to Headline Memorial for Victims of Saturday's Shooting"
Countdown with Keith Olbermann
And if you really want to poison your browser, Westboro Baptist Church

Armed to the Teeth

If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns. So goes one of the more familiar semantic arguments proffered by the undying gun lobby. We can't help but wonder then, why, on Saturday in Arizona--with probably the most permissive gun laws in the country--it was apparently only the outlaw, Jared Loughner, who was packing heat? The argument that laws allowing people to carry guns freely make the streets safer (because criminals will hesitate to attack potentially armed people) has proven specious, at least in this case. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords herself, a proud and apparently proficient gun-owner, was unable to defend herself from her attacker.

And yet this latest tragedy is unlikely to convince people, particularly Arizonans, from rethinking their attitudes toward firearms. As columnist Gail Collins noted yesterday, Arizona last year received a score of two (out of a possible 100) from the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence. It received two points for NOT forcing colleges to allow people to bring guns on campus. At the same time, though, the Arizona legislature has recently considered a bill that would allow college professors to carry concealed weapons. They have also--

Wait a minute. . . "allow college professors to carry concealed weapons"?

Yknow what? We take it back. Arizona has absolutely the right idea. Guns are a good thing. Now, if you'll excuse us, it's time for office hours. "So, Johnny (click), you have a problem with your grade?"

Solipsistography

"In Tuscon, Guns Have a Broad Constituency"

"A Right to Bear Glocks?"

Image from "Where the Blog Has No Name"

Anarchy Is a Preposition

Grammar is tyranny. This was one of Jared Loughner's tamer obsessions, apparently drawing upon the work of David Wynn Miller, the self-proclaimed "plenipotentiary judge" and developer of something he terms "Quantum Language."

As far as we can tell, Miller's theory is that what we have all come to think of as "normal" grammar and syntax are essentially tools of the powers-that-be, enabling them to control an unwitting population. We're not sure, though, as Miller's website seems to be written in his "Quantum Language" and contains "sentences" like, "FOR THIS PLENIPOTENTIARY-JUDGE: David-Wynn: Miller's-KNOWLEDGE OF THESE CORRECT-SENTENCE-STRUCTURES-COMMUNICATION-PARSE-SYNTAX-LANGUAGE=(C.-S.-S.-C.-P.-S.-L.) IS WITH THE CLAIMS BY THE QUANTUM-LANGUAGE-PARSE-SYNTAX-NOW-TIME-WRITTEN-COMMUNICATION-FACTS." (Need we add, [sic]?)

In fairness, Miller has a point. Grammar is tyrannical: Grammar is rules, and rules are the currency of despots. English grammar, of course, consists of the rules propounded by the very despots that the American founders rebelled against. Indeed, the Declaration of Independence was originally drafted in binary. Pragmatism won out, though, as Ben Franklin convinced Thomas Jefferson that the Declaration would take too long to read if not composed in English. Furthermore, with the Great Parchment Shortage of 1776, there was simply not enough raw material on which to scribble out all those 1's and 0's.

We see this resistance to tyranny in Americans' occasional enthusiasm for made-up languages: Esperanto, Ebonics, French. But all of these "languages" bind their speakers with their own sets of rules--as, we imagine, does "Quantum." Without rules in a language--without the hated bonds of grammar--you have incomprehension, the linguistic equivalent of anarchy. that. wants And nobody

Solipsistography:
"Suspect's Odd Behavior Caused Growing Alarm"
Judge: David Wynn Miller

Tea and Psychopathy

As of this writing, it appears that Jared Lee Loughner, the gunman who shot Democratic Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, critically wounding her and several bystanders and killing six people (including a child and a federal judge), acted alone. We can't, therefore, directly blame Tea Party activists for his criminal rampage.

Of course, hardcore Tea Partiers blame Democrats in general and President Obama in particular for any offenses committed against government officials. See, for example, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) who, after Joe Stack launched a suicide attack against the IRS, killing a federal worker, essentially said he could understand where the lunatic was coming from. So, in that spirit, we feel justified in taking a moment to attack the attackers. Yes, we blame the Tea Party.

(DIGRESSION: We suppose that should really be "Tea Party," as this is still essentially a decentralized movement as opposed to an actual group of people concerned with the idea of governing. Just one more way this group of thugs is like the mafia: "Tea Party? Ain't no such thing." EOD)

One of the great ironies about Tea Party conspiracy theorists: For all their fears about incipient socialism and creeping totalitarianism, these people thrive on the very freedom thay suspect the government of trying to curtail. In true tyrannies, anyone who complained about their government with even a fraction of the vitriol expressed by the mildest of TP-ers would quickly find themselves in jail or worse. You don't hear about Tea Parties in North Korea--and Koreans LOVE tea!

We also note that Tea Party groups, while condemning Loughner, warn Democrats not to make political hay of this incident. They note that left-wing groups have committed terroristic acts as well. True enough. The Weather Underground comes to mind. But that was back in the 1960s. Throughout the reign of George W. Bush, the major Republican casualties were self-inflicted, arising as a result of sexual hypocrisy and financial impropriety (see Larry Craig, Tom Delay, et al.)--no crazed Naderite took a potshot at, say, Steve King.

We wish Rep. Giffords the best and hope she can recover. We also hope that some good can come of this. We hope that this tragedy forces people to step back, take a deep breath, and tone down the rhetoric that has brought us to this pass.

Solipsistography

"U.S. Cites Evidence of Assassination Plot"

Huffington Post (4/16/10)