Give Me Liberty, or Better Yet, Don't

Spring approaches, and, cicada-like, Lady Liberties of both ages and all genders--that should probably be the other way around--have infested our nation's strip malls and street-corners, twirling cardboard exhortations to lure passersby into the offices of Liberty Tax preparation services.

Despite the obvious windfall this ongoing promotion provides to makers and retailers of Statue of Liberty costumes, I can't help but wonder about its effectiveness.  How often does someone driving along, on the way to yoga or something equally counterproductive, spot one of these poor, underemployed unfortunates, and slam on the brakes, sending up a silent "Thank you" to whatever spirit of foresight compelled her to toss all her business receipts into the glove compartment, so that she can now simply pull into the parking lot and take care of all her IRS business right then and there?

I mean, sure, I did, but that's just one guy.

Behind the Scenes

(The offices of a major movie studio, 1989.)


STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Tim, we love the story.  Really love it!   But we have a problem with the title.

TIM: You don't like "Edward Schnauzerhands"?

EXEC: It really doesn't work for us.

TIM: How about "Franklin"?

EXEC: "Edward Franklinhands"

TIM: "Franklin Schnauzerhands."

EXEC: It's not the "Edward" we have a problem with. . . .

TIM: Oooooohhhh. . . .

EXEC: Yeah.

TIM: How about "Edward Poodlehands"?

EXEC: Why does he have dogs for fingers?

TIM: Why not?

EXEC: Well. . . .

TIM: I guess I could call it "Edward Fingerhands."

EXEC: About?
TIM: About a guy who has, well, who has fingers where his fingers would. . .  be. . . .

EXEC:  Yeah, I don't think that people would go to see that.

TIM: But it'll have Johnny Depp!

EXEC: Right. . . Um. . . How about. . . . "Edward Blotterhands"?

TIM: "Blotterhands"?

EXEC: Yeah, like, a blotter. . . Like this big green piece of felt on my desk . . . .

TIM: What the hell would "blotterhands" look like?

EXEC: Tim, I'm just spitballing here. . . . trying to help. . . .

TIM: By yelling out random items on your desk?!?

EXEC: Well, you don't have to get snippy.

TIM: "Blotterhands"!  Why not "Edward Penhands"!  Or, "Edward Phonehands"!  Or "Edward Scissorhands"!  Or--

(Tim and the Executiive look at each other.)

TOGETHER: Heyyyyyyy!

And, that's how that happened.

Why Is Starbucks Never Satisfied?

"OK, so you have one cinammon dolce latte, one triple caramel macchiato, one peppermint latte, two pieces of very-berry coffee cake, and a blueberry muffin.  Is that all?"

"'Is that all'?  'Is that all'?!?  Isn't that enough?!?  I just ordered, like, half a dozen things!  I'm spending half my paycheck on overpriced coffee and pastries!  What the hell else do you want from me?!?  What, do I have to buy the CD of Indigo Girls cover songs featuring T-Bone Burnett and Michelle Ngedocello and-and-and-and a-a-a travel mug before you people leave me alone?!?  Why don't you just slit my wrists and take my blood?!?"

"Um. .  .So, that's all?"

"Yeah, that's all, thanks."

Leap of Doubt

Don't you find something creepy about February 29th?  It's just not right.  It's like all of a sudden noticing that your building's elevator does stop on the 13th floor.  Just you wait: Gingrich or Santorum will surely find a way to pin this on Obama.  "Typical, big-spending liberalism!  We need to shrink the size of the year, not expand it!  Under my administration, we will finish our years in 365 days, just like God intended!"

Monday Miscellany--Tuesday Edition

If people with doctorates are called "Doctor," why aren't people with masters degrees called "Master"?

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GREAT MOMENTS IN STUDENT-TEACHER INTERACTION

I. Today, our copier suffered a paper-jam.  As I was crouched down next to it, fumbling with a pair of tweezers and unsuccessfully attempting to clear the paper jam (and thinking "For this I got two masters degrees?"), a student came up and asked, "Is the copier working?"

Yes, dear: We just like to leave all the machine's internal mechanisms strewn around the floor so they can get some air.

"Not right now, no.  Sorry."

*******************************************
II. Yesterday a student asked if somebody could teach him how to use the computers.

"Are you having a problem with the computer?  We have people who can assist you?"

"I'm not really having a problem--I just don't know how to use computers, and I was wondering if someone here could teach me."

"Well, we don't really do that.  The college does, however, have introductory classes where you can learn all the basics of using computers.  You should register for one of those."

"Oh, I don't want to take a computer class.  I just want someone to teach me how to use computers."

"Yes, well I can see where taking a class would defeat the purpose."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Mission Accomplished!

Wow!  You guys rock!  Not 24 hours after I exhorted you to Google-bomb "The Solipsist," this blog has shot all the way up to number 8!  And that pretender "Solipsist" has plummeted all the way down to 11!  The worm has turned!

If power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, boy, I am practically a powdered-rhinoceros-horn!  Now I know how Hitler must have felt--without quite so much anti-Semitism.  What else can I say, but thanks to all you little people.  I truly deserve this.

Let's "Santorum" the Solipsist

So to speak.

Maybe I should rephrase that.  Or at least explain.

Back when Rick Santorum was just a mild-mannered Pennsylvania senator, going around comparing homosexuality to "man-on-dog" action, syndicated columnist Dan Savage played a delightful prank on the current semi-front-runner for the Republican presidential nomination.  He created a website that "redefined" the word "Santorum" from "right-wing jerk" (or whatever it had been) to "the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is often the by-product of anal sex."  Savage then exhorted all his readers to visit this site, over and over, until it became the top Google "hit" for the senator's surname.  And it worked!  Prior to this election cycle (and, indeed, well into it), if you Googled "Santorum," Savage's website would be the number-one result.  If Santorum's primary run has no other effect, the fact that his own actual website is now the number-one Google result for his name should probably be considered a mark of great success.

I think it's time the Solipsist enjoyed a Santorum-like surge.

Again, let me rephrase.

I just checked out the results for "The Solipsist" on Google, and was shocked--shocked!--to find the site you now hold in your hands (or whatever) languishing at number 11!  What are you people doing?  Now, granted, I come in just ahead of Sylvia Plath's "Soliloquy of the Solipsist"--DON'T CLICK THAT LINK!  I'M HANGING BY A THREAD HERE! But I'm way behind "The Solipsist" by Troy Jollimore, and Wikipedia, and "Soliloquy of the Solipsist" by Sylvia Plath--wait, what?  OK, never mind.  Adding insult to injury, I am trailing ANOTHER site--on blogspot--that has the audacity to call itself "The Solipsist"!!!

This nakedly aggressive being of me cannot stand!  I am calling on all loyal members of Solipsist Nation to start Google-bombing at will!  I may never overtake Wikipedia or The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy--or even Fredric Brown (Frederic Brown?).  But I WILL overtake this solipsistic pretender!

I'm not exactly sure how the technological foofaraw works, but I think the main idea is that you should go to Google, type in "The Solipsist," and then access this site through the Google link--being very careful not to click accidentally on any other links.  Believe me, they're not worth your effort.  In no time, we should crack the solipsistic top ten.

And, if it'll help, I can make some offensive remarks about homosexuality: First, lesbianism does not exist; all those so-called lesbians are just ladies who haven't met me.  And guy-on-guy sex is like a Rick Santorum speech: sloppy as hell and often painful if you're on the receiving end.

Good night, everybody!  Start clicking!