The Boston Red Sox have filed an official complaint against Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon, accusing him of genie-related tampering to effect the team's unprecedented comeback this past season. Maddon admits to purchasing an ancient lamp in a St. Petersburg antiques shop but swears that he did so with no intention of actually finding a genie.
"I've been collecting Arabian-style lamps since I was in rookie ball," says Maddon. "No matter how many times I've rubbed 'em, no genie."
Until this past August, that is.
With his team slipping out of contention, Maddon was in the bathroom, polishing his lamp (not a euphemism), when the genie appeared, offering him three wishes. The baseball lifer didn't have to think long before wishing for a playoff spot for his team. Asked about the ethical ramifications, Maddon replied, "Show me in the rule book where it says anything about not using genies to reach the playoffs."
Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein counters that genie usage falls afoul of baseball's ban on controlled substances. "The genie is trapped in a lamp until somebody rubs it," says Epstein. "How much more controlled can a substance be?!?"
Boston's chances of prevailing seem slim. Indeed, baseball expert the fat guy at Wal-Mart doubts the Red Sox have much of a case. "Hey, if Barry Bonds got away with steroids for ten years, why shouldn't the Rays get to use a genie?"
Why indeed?
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Quid Pro Quo
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single detective, in possession of a baffling mystery, must be in want of a conveniently imprisoned psychopath. Thank you, Thomas Harris. When you gave the world Hannibal Lecter in Red Dragon (1981), you created a monster. I mean that metaphorically. Ever since then, a convenient fictional trope, now bordering on cliche, has law-enforcers racking up the mileage claims traveling back and forth to maximum-security prisons and madhouses to consult with former nemeses who now provide free (if psychologically taxing) consultation services to help our hero catch the serial killer du jour.
(DIGRESSION: One wonders how detectives ever managed to capture the first serial killer, without having such a resource already in custody. Quite the chicken-egg conundrum there. EOD)
I watched "Luther" the other night, a BBC America offering, centering on Detective John Luther (Idris Elba)--
(DIGRESSION: To be accurate, they're not called something so prosaic as "detectives" in London; they're called "Her Serene Majesty's Chief Deputy Constabulary of Kent." Or something like that. EOD)
--a tortured soul who specializes in tracking down "serious and serial" killers. His latest nemesis, introduced in this week's season premiere, is a psychotic who wears a Punch mask (or "masque") as he runs around the City butchering women on camera. Don't worry, though: Luther has his very own on-call psychopath in the local lockup, Alice Morgan (Ruth Wilson).
In fairness, Luther has not yet asked Alice for help on his latest case, and the show seems to be playing more with the sexual tension between the two characters than with the police procedural aspects.
(DIGRESSION: It reminds me of the relationship between Detective Archie Sheridan and sexy serial killer Gretchen Lowell in Chelsea Cain's Heartbreak and Heartsick. Coincidence? Homage? Plagiarism? The jury's out. EOD)
I'm sure that Luther will get around to asking for advice some time soon.
None of this is meant to condemn the show, which is actually quite good. After all, one can hardly expect to find an entertainment--be it film, television, theater, novel, or puppet show--that doesn't rely on familiar tropes. The only current show that seems wholly original--and I'm sorry to say I missed the premiere--is "Terra Nova." I mean, PEOPLE?!? Running from DINOSAURS?!? Where the hell did executive producer Steven Spielberg come up with THAT?!?
*********************************************************
On a related but unrelated topic, Idris Elba is apparently under serious consideration to be the next James Bond. That would be an interesting choice, but bear in mind: When Daniel Craig got the part, people were up in arms over the thought of a BLONDE Bond. I appreciate that the producers are considering a return to a brunette, but still.
(DIGRESSION: One wonders how detectives ever managed to capture the first serial killer, without having such a resource already in custody. Quite the chicken-egg conundrum there. EOD)
I watched "Luther" the other night, a BBC America offering, centering on Detective John Luther (Idris Elba)--
(DIGRESSION: To be accurate, they're not called something so prosaic as "detectives" in London; they're called "Her Serene Majesty's Chief Deputy Constabulary of Kent." Or something like that. EOD)
--a tortured soul who specializes in tracking down "serious and serial" killers. His latest nemesis, introduced in this week's season premiere, is a psychotic who wears a Punch mask (or "masque") as he runs around the City butchering women on camera. Don't worry, though: Luther has his very own on-call psychopath in the local lockup, Alice Morgan (Ruth Wilson).
In fairness, Luther has not yet asked Alice for help on his latest case, and the show seems to be playing more with the sexual tension between the two characters than with the police procedural aspects.
(DIGRESSION: It reminds me of the relationship between Detective Archie Sheridan and sexy serial killer Gretchen Lowell in Chelsea Cain's Heartbreak and Heartsick. Coincidence? Homage? Plagiarism? The jury's out. EOD)
I'm sure that Luther will get around to asking for advice some time soon.
None of this is meant to condemn the show, which is actually quite good. After all, one can hardly expect to find an entertainment--be it film, television, theater, novel, or puppet show--that doesn't rely on familiar tropes. The only current show that seems wholly original--and I'm sorry to say I missed the premiere--is "Terra Nova." I mean, PEOPLE?!? Running from DINOSAURS?!? Where the hell did executive producer Steven Spielberg come up with THAT?!?
*********************************************************
On a related but unrelated topic, Idris Elba is apparently under serious consideration to be the next James Bond. That would be an interesting choice, but bear in mind: When Daniel Craig got the part, people were up in arms over the thought of a BLONDE Bond. I appreciate that the producers are considering a return to a brunette, but still.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Win-Win?
The Obama administration has asked the Supreme Court to hear arguments about the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act (i.e., healthcare reform). The law has come under judicial scrutiny in different federal courts, and the results have been mixed: Most appeals courts have found the law constitutional, but the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals in Atlanta found one of the law's central requirements--that all individuals have health insurance--unconstitutional. If that portion of the ACA is disallowed, the whole plan falls apart, so the White House is understandably eager to have the question resolved.
Some have questioned the wisdom of the Administration requesting this review at this time. If the Court hears the case now, a ruling will likely be issued next spring, in the midst of the presidential election campaign. For Obama, though, this makes a great deal of sense. If the law is upheld, the President can claim a substantial victory. If the law is ruled unconstitutional--especially if the justices rule according to their perceived ideological biases--this will likely motivate the Democratic base to come out in force.
As much as the Republican Party would like to convince us otherwise, a majority of the American public wants healthcare reform. The constant cries of "creeping socialism" are wholly unconvincing. If anything, most people probably feel the ACA didn't go far enough--especially in light of news that Big Insurance is seeking enormous rate increases during a time of financial crisis for most Americans. The Court will either validate Obama's vision or validate the belief--growing exponentially since the Citizens United decision--that a highly politicized right-wing mini-majority does nothing but carry water for corporate masters. The backlash could be inspiring.
Some have questioned the wisdom of the Administration requesting this review at this time. If the Court hears the case now, a ruling will likely be issued next spring, in the midst of the presidential election campaign. For Obama, though, this makes a great deal of sense. If the law is upheld, the President can claim a substantial victory. If the law is ruled unconstitutional--especially if the justices rule according to their perceived ideological biases--this will likely motivate the Democratic base to come out in force.
As much as the Republican Party would like to convince us otherwise, a majority of the American public wants healthcare reform. The constant cries of "creeping socialism" are wholly unconvincing. If anything, most people probably feel the ACA didn't go far enough--especially in light of news that Big Insurance is seeking enormous rate increases during a time of financial crisis for most Americans. The Court will either validate Obama's vision or validate the belief--growing exponentially since the Citizens United decision--that a highly politicized right-wing mini-majority does nothing but carry water for corporate masters. The backlash could be inspiring.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Great Moments in Instructor Feedback
"Your paragraph makes Rick Perry sound like E. B. White."
Is that not constructive criticism?
Is that not constructive criticism?
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Trendwatch
Yes, I got bored with the template. It's good to switch things up every now and then, no?
Anyway, here are the top-trending stories as of 5:02 PM, Tuesday, September 27:
10. FRANKENSTEIN MOON: Legend has it that Mary Shelley, in the grip of a sort of "waking dream," wrote Frankenstein as a response to a literary challenge. In her telling of the story of. . .well, of her telling of the story, she refers to a moon shining over Lake Geneva. Literary scholars have questioned the veracity of this tale, because they have no lives and nothing better to do with their time. Now, Donald Olson, a Texas State University astronomy professor, has established that Shelley was likely telling the truth--at least about the moon part--thus proving that he has even less of a life than literary critics. Still, I'm glad to hear that Mary Shelley was not the lying whore I thought she was.
9. FLU VACCINE: There is NO shortage of flu vaccine. In fact, there is a surplus. CDC officials will hold a massive Flu-Vaccine-Watergun-Fight this weekend. For the kids.
8. STOCK PRICES: The market closed up today primarily due to measured optimism about the European economic situation. So we can all breathe a bit easier. Until tomorrow, when stocks will presumably close down a bit and send us all into a tailspin of garment-gnashing and rending of teeth. Or, y'know, the other way around.
7. CHRISTINA MILIAN: I have no idea who this is.
6. ELLEN DEGENERES: Ellen received a clean bill of health after suffering chest pains. She says she feels fine. Describing the pain, she said it "felt a bit like two cats standing on her chest." I checked with WOS and confirmed that two-cats is, indeed, a mild level of chest-pain. WOS cautions everybody, though, that, if you ever feel like the cat-weight-quotient is 6 cats or greater, seek immediate medical attention.
5, iPhone 5: When will it stop?
4. Susan Sarandon: Susan Sarandon is in the news because she joined the Wall Street protesters. Susan holds a special place in the Solipsist's heart. Years ago, I belonged to a children's theater company in Greenwich Village. One afternoon, one of my castmates came squealing into the dressing room. Flapping frantically, he said, "OHMIGOD OHMIGOD OHMIGOD--DO YOU KNOW WHO'S HERE?!? SUSAN SARANDON!!!" Sure enough, the very pregnant, not-yet-Academy-Award-winning actress had come to take in the show, bringing along her kids and her latest boytoy, a rather tall chap who would grow up to be Tim Robbins.
Now, during the show, there was a point where I had to make an entrance through the audience, leaping up on stage. Well, at that afternoon's performance, I was wearing new shoes, and, when I made my leap, my rear foot slid out from under me, causing me to smash my knee on the edge of the stage. This hurt. Rather a lot. My first instinct was to let loose with a string of profanities that would make a sailor blush, but of course--this was children's theater. The audience, while possibly sympathetic, would not have appreciated such an outburst. I managed to slip offstage briefly to scream into a pillow, and then I spent the rest of the show--onstage--limping, grimacing, and saying my lines as best I could through gritted teeth.
After the show, the cast stood outside the theater to greet the children. As she passed by, Ms. Sarandon shook my hand and said, "Nice job." So I got to shake a hand that would later hold an Oscar. And that's worth a bit of crippling pain.
3. LEISHA HAILEY: This is someone who's in the "L-Word." She was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight, apparently because she kissed her girlfriend. Wait, that can't be right. I mean, she's a woman. They must mean "boyfriend." Boy, Southwest is more uptight than I thought.
2. JOE NAMATH: Broadway Joe is catching flak for making fome critical comments about his old team. I say, he's in the Hall of Fame, he's earned the right to critique. Unless he's still wearing pantyhose.
And the number one trendiest topic of this exact moment in time is. . .
1. BRANDI GLANVILLE: . . . Yeah, I have no idea who this is, either.
Anyway, here are the top-trending stories as of 5:02 PM, Tuesday, September 27:
10. FRANKENSTEIN MOON: Legend has it that Mary Shelley, in the grip of a sort of "waking dream," wrote Frankenstein as a response to a literary challenge. In her telling of the story of. . .well, of her telling of the story, she refers to a moon shining over Lake Geneva. Literary scholars have questioned the veracity of this tale, because they have no lives and nothing better to do with their time. Now, Donald Olson, a Texas State University astronomy professor, has established that Shelley was likely telling the truth--at least about the moon part--thus proving that he has even less of a life than literary critics. Still, I'm glad to hear that Mary Shelley was not the lying whore I thought she was.
9. FLU VACCINE: There is NO shortage of flu vaccine. In fact, there is a surplus. CDC officials will hold a massive Flu-Vaccine-Watergun-Fight this weekend. For the kids.
8. STOCK PRICES: The market closed up today primarily due to measured optimism about the European economic situation. So we can all breathe a bit easier. Until tomorrow, when stocks will presumably close down a bit and send us all into a tailspin of garment-gnashing and rending of teeth. Or, y'know, the other way around.
7. CHRISTINA MILIAN: I have no idea who this is.
6. ELLEN DEGENERES: Ellen received a clean bill of health after suffering chest pains. She says she feels fine. Describing the pain, she said it "felt a bit like two cats standing on her chest." I checked with WOS and confirmed that two-cats is, indeed, a mild level of chest-pain. WOS cautions everybody, though, that, if you ever feel like the cat-weight-quotient is 6 cats or greater, seek immediate medical attention.
5, iPhone 5: When will it stop?
4. Susan Sarandon: Susan Sarandon is in the news because she joined the Wall Street protesters. Susan holds a special place in the Solipsist's heart. Years ago, I belonged to a children's theater company in Greenwich Village. One afternoon, one of my castmates came squealing into the dressing room. Flapping frantically, he said, "OHMIGOD OHMIGOD OHMIGOD--DO YOU KNOW WHO'S HERE?!? SUSAN SARANDON!!!" Sure enough, the very pregnant, not-yet-Academy-Award-winning actress had come to take in the show, bringing along her kids and her latest boytoy, a rather tall chap who would grow up to be Tim Robbins.
Now, during the show, there was a point where I had to make an entrance through the audience, leaping up on stage. Well, at that afternoon's performance, I was wearing new shoes, and, when I made my leap, my rear foot slid out from under me, causing me to smash my knee on the edge of the stage. This hurt. Rather a lot. My first instinct was to let loose with a string of profanities that would make a sailor blush, but of course--this was children's theater. The audience, while possibly sympathetic, would not have appreciated such an outburst. I managed to slip offstage briefly to scream into a pillow, and then I spent the rest of the show--onstage--limping, grimacing, and saying my lines as best I could through gritted teeth.
After the show, the cast stood outside the theater to greet the children. As she passed by, Ms. Sarandon shook my hand and said, "Nice job." So I got to shake a hand that would later hold an Oscar. And that's worth a bit of crippling pain.
3. LEISHA HAILEY: This is someone who's in the "L-Word." She was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight, apparently because she kissed her girlfriend. Wait, that can't be right. I mean, she's a woman. They must mean "boyfriend." Boy, Southwest is more uptight than I thought.
2. JOE NAMATH: Broadway Joe is catching flak for making fome critical comments about his old team. I say, he's in the Hall of Fame, he's earned the right to critique. Unless he's still wearing pantyhose.
And the number one trendiest topic of this exact moment in time is. . .
1. BRANDI GLANVILLE: . . . Yeah, I have no idea who this is, either.
Monday, September 26, 2011
And Huge in Riyadh!
What the hell?!? The ruler of Saudi Arabia has given women the vote? Is nothing sacred--excuse me, halal?!? Next thing you know, they'll be able to drive! What's that? They're still not allowed to drive? Well, OK, then. . . .
Seriously, what's this guy thinking? Women will have the right to vote AND to run for and hold elected office (but, as mentioned, not to drive--don't worry!). Has he really thought this through? Look at what just this sort of reckless progressivism has done to America: We came within a few hundred-thousand votes of being one heartbeat away from President Palin!
Wait a second. Hold the phone! I just had a great idea:
Hey, Saudi Arabia, can we interest you in Michelle Bachmann? Yes, she has a bit of Jesus-fixation, but her medieval views on homosexuality, premarital sex, criminal justice, and the properly subservient role of women in marriage should fit in nicely in the Kingdom. They'll love her in Jidda!
Seriously, what's this guy thinking? Women will have the right to vote AND to run for and hold elected office (but, as mentioned, not to drive--don't worry!). Has he really thought this through? Look at what just this sort of reckless progressivism has done to America: We came within a few hundred-thousand votes of being one heartbeat away from President Palin!
Wait a second. Hold the phone! I just had a great idea:
Hey, Saudi Arabia, can we interest you in Michelle Bachmann? Yes, she has a bit of Jesus-fixation, but her medieval views on homosexuality, premarital sex, criminal justice, and the properly subservient role of women in marriage should fit in nicely in the Kingdom. They'll love her in Jidda!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The New Season (Continued)
Once again, I've spent the day grading papers, so I'll keep this brief.
"Prime Suspect" doesn't disappoint. Here's what I liked best about the premiere episode: The show opens with Maria Bello as Detective Jane Timoney (which, I guess, sounds less Helen Mirren-esque than Tennyson?) jogging around the Central Park reservoir and rapidly running out of breath. She's just quit smoking, you see. Later on, in the climactic scene, Jane has to chase down, on foot, a fleeing suspect. What would normally just be a standard chase scene becomes, thanks to clever and unobtrusive foreshadowing, quite thrilling, not so much because we're wondering whether she'll catch the perp (there's plenty of backup in the vicinity) but whether her lungs will explode before she gets him. Anyway, check it out.
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"Prime Suspect" doesn't disappoint. Here's what I liked best about the premiere episode: The show opens with Maria Bello as Detective Jane Timoney (which, I guess, sounds less Helen Mirren-esque than Tennyson?) jogging around the Central Park reservoir and rapidly running out of breath. She's just quit smoking, you see. Later on, in the climactic scene, Jane has to chase down, on foot, a fleeing suspect. What would normally just be a standard chase scene becomes, thanks to clever and unobtrusive foreshadowing, quite thrilling, not so much because we're wondering whether she'll catch the perp (there's plenty of backup in the vicinity) but whether her lungs will explode before she gets him. Anyway, check it out.
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