A principal tenet of the extreme right wing is that the United States Constitution should be held inviolate. Strict constructionists--those who, like Antonin Scalia, (ostensibly) believe that the founders' will must be obeyed at all times and who therefore (ostensibly) view all matters of civic import through the lens of WWJD (Jefferson, of course!)--are the only ones truly fit to hold public office. Imagine our surprise, then, upon reading that Texas Governor Rick Perry, the latest Great White Hope to enter the GOP race for President, would actually like to change the Constitution,
Our surprise quickly abated, though, when we remembered that Perry is a Republican and that hypocrisy is to Republicanism as carbon is to organic life.
In fairness, Perry's desired changes are quite minor--tweaks, really. He merely wants to repeal the 16th and 17th amendments, eliminating things like the income tax (which we can understand, if not support) and the direct election of senators by the people (senators should be elected by corporations, like everyone else. . . including senators. Oh, never mind). Don't worry, though, he would replace those amendments with two nifty new ones, banning abortion and same-sex marriage. Oh, and he would also eliminate lifetime tenure for federal judges and give Congress the power to override Supreme Court decisions with a two-thirds majority. It seems hardly worth mentioning his balanced-budget amendment.
So to sum up the right-wing teabagger view of the Constitution: The founding document must never ever be changed or altered or contradicted--except for those parts we don't like.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Fantasy Leagues Lead to Super Bowl Chaos
Indianapolis, Feb. 7, 2012--After a quick investigation, NFL officials today revealed the reason for the unprecedentedly sloppy play at last Sunday's Super Bowl between the hometown favorite Indianapolis Colts and the Philadelphia Eagles. "One word," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "Fantasy football."
The game's tone was set from the first play from scrimmage: an apparently errant pass from Indianapolis' star quarterback Peyton Manning--not to any of his receivers but to Philadelphia's star cornerback, Nnamdi Asomugha. Indianapolis fans breathed a sigh of relief when Asomughggga, also uncharacteristically, made no attempt to catch the ball. It quickly became apparent that something was wrong when the second play from scrimmage yielded the same result. And the third. And the fourth.
By midway through the first quarter, the Eagles defense no longer made any attempt to sack Manning. Instead, a worldwide audience of over 2 billion people was treated to the spectacle of Manning's own receiving corps trying to intercept his constant passes to Asosaumamauga.
The whole sorry episode was cleared up by Goodell, who had interviewed both Manning and Assaossoumuuggghgggaaagagaga. Apparently, each had chosen the other for his fantasy team.
"I was sure that Peyton was going to have a monster game," said Asasas. . .Asamo. . .Aamamogha. . .Oh, screw it, Nnamdi. "When that first pass came my way, I had to call upon all my training and experience as a fantasy-league player not to catch that ball!"
Manning was similarly flummoxed by the Eagles' defender. "I just couldn't understand why Nnamdi wasn't running wild on Sunday. I was sure something was wrong with him."
The game was finally decided, 3-0, after Nnamdi accidentally caught one of Manning's passes in field-goal territory. Kicker Alex Henery won the game for the Eagles as time ran out. When asked about his heroics, Henery explained that he was on his own fantasy team and was thrilled that he had come through for himself.
The game's tone was set from the first play from scrimmage: an apparently errant pass from Indianapolis' star quarterback Peyton Manning--not to any of his receivers but to Philadelphia's star cornerback, Nnamdi Asomugha. Indianapolis fans breathed a sigh of relief when Asomughggga, also uncharacteristically, made no attempt to catch the ball. It quickly became apparent that something was wrong when the second play from scrimmage yielded the same result. And the third. And the fourth.
By midway through the first quarter, the Eagles defense no longer made any attempt to sack Manning. Instead, a worldwide audience of over 2 billion people was treated to the spectacle of Manning's own receiving corps trying to intercept his constant passes to Asosaumamauga.
The whole sorry episode was cleared up by Goodell, who had interviewed both Manning and Assaossoumuuggghgggaaagagaga. Apparently, each had chosen the other for his fantasy team.
"I was sure that Peyton was going to have a monster game," said Asasas. . .Asamo. . .Aamamogha. . .Oh, screw it, Nnamdi. "When that first pass came my way, I had to call upon all my training and experience as a fantasy-league player not to catch that ball!"
Manning was similarly flummoxed by the Eagles' defender. "I just couldn't understand why Nnamdi wasn't running wild on Sunday. I was sure something was wrong with him."
The game was finally decided, 3-0, after Nnamdi accidentally caught one of Manning's passes in field-goal territory. Kicker Alex Henery won the game for the Eagles as time ran out. When asked about his heroics, Henery explained that he was on his own fantasy team and was thrilled that he had come through for himself.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Trendwatch Today
The top trending topics on Yahoo! as of 5:24 PM PST:
10: HURRICANE GREG: Greg realized his lifelong ambition earlier today, being named a hurricane. In his acceptance speech, Greg thanked God, explaining that he never thought he would make it past tropical storm. Side note: This marked the first and only time that an award recipient's thanking God was actually appropriate.
9. NOAH'S ARK: A Christian missionary group, Answers in Genesis, is building a full-scale replica of Noah's Ark in Hebron, KY. The idea is to prove to the doubting public--or, more likely, the true-believing fanatics who will flock to see this thing--that Noah's story is possible. Yes, a simple farmer (or shoe salesman, or whatever he was) COULD have built the Ark! Yes, it could have withstood a 40-Day Flood! ("Couldn't have withstood me!" Oh, shut up, Greg!) Yes, it could have housed two of every animal in the world! When challenged on this last point, project manager Mike Hovath explained that there were significantly fewer different species in Noah's time. We asked what he meant, and Hovath explained that over the millenia since biblical times, numerous other species had developed. You mean, "evolved," we asked? A couple of husky Pentecostals then politely asked us to leave.
8. GOLD: Gold prices continue to soar. Things are really getting out of control. Desperate looking speculators have been eyeing unflushed urinals covetously.
Sorry.
7. ANNA HAZARE: Oh, God! Who the hell is THIS? Probably some vapid reality-show bimbo! Well, we hope at least she's got big bahoogies. . . . Let's check her out. . . . AAAAAAHH!!!
As Austin Powers once said, "That's a MAN, Baby!" Actually, he's a prominent anti-corruption crusader in India. Hazare was given permission by the government to stage a public 15-day hunger strike to protest government corruption. On the bright side, we applaud the fact that the Indian government has seen fit to allow peaceful protests. On the brighter side, it's a true sign of progress that people in India must be given permission to starve!
Again, sorry.
6. JESSICA ALBA: She's in "Spy Kids 4." Big deal. Still, it's a nice visual palate cleanser after Anna Hazare.
5. BANK STOCKS: They're not doing well. Then again, since the stock market closed down about 19,000 points, this is not particularly surprising. Maybe gold is the way to go. We have to go to the bathroom.
4. BURT REYNOLDS: Merrill Lynch Credit Corp. is trying to foreclose on the actor's Florida home. Quite a comedown from the heady 1970s when Reynolds was the biggest star in the world. He offered to pose naked again for Cosmopolitan to earn some money to pay off the mortgage. They were less than interested.
3. ELIZABETH BANKS: Even people NAMED "Banks" are doing poorly. She closed down 43% in late trading. (Look, we're tired, OK?!?)
2. RUSH LIMBAUGH: We didn't realize people still listened to Mr. Oxycodone. Apparently, though, he's still on the air, still elevating the nation's discourse. His latest bon mot involved Nabisco's introduction of a triple-decker, chocolate and vanilla stuffed Oreo cookie. After observing that the cookie is "bi-racial," Limbaugh went on to call the cookies, "Or-bam-eos." How is this man not in Congress?
And the top-trending topic as of, like, now is. . ..
1. SANDRA BULLOCK: The actress has cut off all ties with Sunny (daughter of Jesse) James. Don't worry, though. Angelina Jolie has offered to adopt.
10: HURRICANE GREG: Greg realized his lifelong ambition earlier today, being named a hurricane. In his acceptance speech, Greg thanked God, explaining that he never thought he would make it past tropical storm. Side note: This marked the first and only time that an award recipient's thanking God was actually appropriate.
9. NOAH'S ARK: A Christian missionary group, Answers in Genesis, is building a full-scale replica of Noah's Ark in Hebron, KY. The idea is to prove to the doubting public--or, more likely, the true-believing fanatics who will flock to see this thing--that Noah's story is possible. Yes, a simple farmer (or shoe salesman, or whatever he was) COULD have built the Ark! Yes, it could have withstood a 40-Day Flood! ("Couldn't have withstood me!" Oh, shut up, Greg!) Yes, it could have housed two of every animal in the world! When challenged on this last point, project manager Mike Hovath explained that there were significantly fewer different species in Noah's time. We asked what he meant, and Hovath explained that over the millenia since biblical times, numerous other species had developed. You mean, "evolved," we asked? A couple of husky Pentecostals then politely asked us to leave.
8. GOLD: Gold prices continue to soar. Things are really getting out of control. Desperate looking speculators have been eyeing unflushed urinals covetously.
Sorry.
7. ANNA HAZARE: Oh, God! Who the hell is THIS? Probably some vapid reality-show bimbo! Well, we hope at least she's got big bahoogies. . . . Let's check her out. . . . AAAAAAHH!!!
Again, sorry.
6. JESSICA ALBA: She's in "Spy Kids 4." Big deal. Still, it's a nice visual palate cleanser after Anna Hazare.
4. BURT REYNOLDS: Merrill Lynch Credit Corp. is trying to foreclose on the actor's Florida home. Quite a comedown from the heady 1970s when Reynolds was the biggest star in the world. He offered to pose naked again for Cosmopolitan to earn some money to pay off the mortgage. They were less than interested.
3. ELIZABETH BANKS: Even people NAMED "Banks" are doing poorly. She closed down 43% in late trading. (Look, we're tired, OK?!?)
2. RUSH LIMBAUGH: We didn't realize people still listened to Mr. Oxycodone. Apparently, though, he's still on the air, still elevating the nation's discourse. His latest bon mot involved Nabisco's introduction of a triple-decker, chocolate and vanilla stuffed Oreo cookie. After observing that the cookie is "bi-racial," Limbaugh went on to call the cookies, "Or-bam-eos." How is this man not in Congress?
And the top-trending topic as of, like, now is. . ..
1. SANDRA BULLOCK: The actress has cut off all ties with Sunny (daughter of Jesse) James. Don't worry, though. Angelina Jolie has offered to adopt.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Killer Vacations
Question: What do Auschwitz, Cambodia's killing fields, and Ground Zero have in common?
Besides THAT.
Answer: They are all major tourist destinations. That's right. Traumatized countries and battle-scarred regions can now turn their psychic wounds into cold, hard, tourist cash.
The phenomenon is known as "thanatourism," from the Greek 'thanatos': "really really creepy." You know you're in questionable territory when your vacation plans sound like a "Doctor Who" plot device.
Boosters claim that such excursions promote solemn reflection and moral uplift--those who will not learn from history being doomed to repeat it, and all. But is such learning enhanced or diminished by its potential commemoration with a gift-shop souvenir? Will we soon see toddlers staggering around with "Mommy went to Dachau and all I got was this verdammt T-shirt" emblazoned across their chests? Will people soon be able to get their names etched into one of thousands of spare skulls scattered around Choeung Ek? Will the Johnny Rockets at the South Street Seaport offer a "9/11 Jalapeno Chili Dog"? (Come to think of it, that would make a helluva "Man vs. Food" episode.)
"Staycationers," too, can indulge in thanatourism. Here in the Bay Area we have Alcatraz. Or perhaps you'd like to visit Charles Manson on San Quentin's death row? Considering the fact that more people have died on planet earth than are currently living, one could likely be a thanatourist in one's own home!
Makes us want to reconsider our desire to be cremated. After all, after we die, we imagine that pilgrimages to Solipsist Headquarters will become a popular element of some future Grand Tour. Make sure to stop at the gift shop on your way out.
Besides THAT.
Answer: They are all major tourist destinations. That's right. Traumatized countries and battle-scarred regions can now turn their psychic wounds into cold, hard, tourist cash.
The phenomenon is known as "thanatourism," from the Greek 'thanatos': "really really creepy." You know you're in questionable territory when your vacation plans sound like a "Doctor Who" plot device.
Boosters claim that such excursions promote solemn reflection and moral uplift--those who will not learn from history being doomed to repeat it, and all. But is such learning enhanced or diminished by its potential commemoration with a gift-shop souvenir? Will we soon see toddlers staggering around with "Mommy went to Dachau and all I got was this verdammt T-shirt" emblazoned across their chests? Will people soon be able to get their names etched into one of thousands of spare skulls scattered around Choeung Ek? Will the Johnny Rockets at the South Street Seaport offer a "9/11 Jalapeno Chili Dog"? (Come to think of it, that would make a helluva "Man vs. Food" episode.)
"Staycationers," too, can indulge in thanatourism. Here in the Bay Area we have Alcatraz. Or perhaps you'd like to visit Charles Manson on San Quentin's death row? Considering the fact that more people have died on planet earth than are currently living, one could likely be a thanatourist in one's own home!
Makes us want to reconsider our desire to be cremated. After all, after we die, we imagine that pilgrimages to Solipsist Headquarters will become a popular element of some future Grand Tour. Make sure to stop at the gift shop on your way out.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Reflections in an Archery-Themed Big Box
We don't appreciate the silent judgments. Look, we're not proud about asking which aisle the squeezy-cheez is in. We catch the hesitation, the stifled smirk. But who are you to judge?!? You work retail! And you're soooooo apologetic when you lead us to the cracker aisle and find no squeezy-cheez. Like you care! (And you think we hadn't already checked in the cracker aisle? Squeezy-cheez lovers may be uncouth, but we're not morons!)
And the cashier always greets us the same way.
Hi, how are you, today?
Fine. And you?
But the cashiers never tell us. Makes us wonder how sincere they are about the whole thing.
And the cashier always greets us the same way.
Hi, how are you, today?
Fine. And you?
But the cashiers never tell us. Makes us wonder how sincere they are about the whole thing.
Monday, August 15, 2011
A Writing Teacher's Manifesto (Part One?)
Over the last year, we've learned the secret to effective writing instruction: Teach writing as if it were math. Since we began teaching many years ago, we've always felt a certain degree of envy towards math teachers. They have it easy: Sure, students may have trouble grasping the quadratic equation--but at least there is an equation to grasp. A formula. An algorithm. With math, inputs subjected to processes reliably lead to outputs. Even if it's "Garbage In, Garbage Out," it's nicely predictable.
No such luck with writing, though. We tell students what we want them to accomplish. We show them models. We threaten or bribe or cajole. Still, the results are depressingly unpredictable. Garbage in, garbage out? Maybe. Not necessarily, though. Sometimes we'd get garbage. Sometimes we'd get licorice. Who could tell?
Finally, it has dawned on us that writing can be taught like math--demystified and broken down into a series of discrete steps. If you want students to produce a five-paragraph essay, figure out what you want the finished product to look like, break it into parts, then explain to students how to "create" each part.
Non-creative? Sure. The problem with too much writing instruction, though--particularly at a basic level--is that it aspires to free up a student's creative spirit without first providing a manageable framework through which to develop that creativity. Once students understand a basic series of steps, they can then explore ways to be creative within those steps. If students are provided with a clear goal (output) and provided with at least one very clear specific path to reach that goal, they will find the whole process manageable and ultimately more rewarding--and this is true whether they are in a math or writing class. Once the rules become automatic, the creativity can flow.
No such luck with writing, though. We tell students what we want them to accomplish. We show them models. We threaten or bribe or cajole. Still, the results are depressingly unpredictable. Garbage in, garbage out? Maybe. Not necessarily, though. Sometimes we'd get garbage. Sometimes we'd get licorice. Who could tell?
Finally, it has dawned on us that writing can be taught like math--demystified and broken down into a series of discrete steps. If you want students to produce a five-paragraph essay, figure out what you want the finished product to look like, break it into parts, then explain to students how to "create" each part.
Non-creative? Sure. The problem with too much writing instruction, though--particularly at a basic level--is that it aspires to free up a student's creative spirit without first providing a manageable framework through which to develop that creativity. Once students understand a basic series of steps, they can then explore ways to be creative within those steps. If students are provided with a clear goal (output) and provided with at least one very clear specific path to reach that goal, they will find the whole process manageable and ultimately more rewarding--and this is true whether they are in a math or writing class. Once the rules become automatic, the creativity can flow.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
More Deep, Penetrating Musical Criticism
What's up with Stevie Wonder? He says he "doesn't want to bore" us with the fact that he loves us--and then he goes on and on about it for a good five minutes!
We haven't been this confused by a song since Robert Plant told us he was "in the mood for a melody" and then proceeded to sing one note.
We haven't been this confused by a song since Robert Plant told us he was "in the mood for a melody" and then proceeded to sing one note.
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