Once Upon a Time, God Created the Heavens and the Earth

Not-so-famous first drafts of famous first lines:

"Call me Izzy Tinkleberg."

--Moby Dick

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force."

--Pride and Prejudice

"It was the best of times. That is all."

--A Tale of Two Cities

"Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this Son of York!
And being summer, mine doublet doth grow itchy,
The fabric clinging stickily to this be-hunched back. . ."

--Richard III

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way and far more entertaining."

--Anna Karenina

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a seven-foot purple kangaroo with a nervous tremor in his left eye."

--The Metamorphosis

"One night while Lenore I was cravin',
And my soul it hardly seemed worth savin',
What did I espy
With my neurotic eye,
But a creepy, fershlugginer Raven?!?"

--"The Raven"

XANADU, bedroom, night. Extreme close-up on the bearded mouth of CHARLES FOSTER KANE

KANE: (gasping) Rosebud. . . my. . . sleeeeddd. . . (dies)

--"Citizen Kane" (screenplay)

In Case Your ADD Meds Are Wearing Off

We've made no secret of our enthusiasm for "Breaking Bad."  We even "Liked" it on Facebook, roughly akin to signing up for a free resort vacation where the only requirement is that you attend a "brief" seminar on timeshare condos.  Oh, the targeted marketing we receive!  Today, the good folks at AMC encouraged "Breaking Bad" fans ("Baddicts"?--TRADEMARK!) to "watch and chat" during Sunday's all-new episode, and we wondered: Does this make sense?

If you're one of those people who sits in a movie theater texting throughout Harry Potter's final confrontation with Voldemort, or who loves chattering incessantly while other people are just trying to enjoy a TV show, then we imagine AMC's virtual viewing party may hold some appeal.

Needless to say, we won't be attending.  If you'd like to chat about Sunday night's "Breaking Bad," meetus at the virtual water cooler on Monday.

Trendwatch

Here are the top-trending topics as of 5:29 PM, PST, September 1, 2011:

10. OSCAR DE LA HOYA: Champion boxer and pretty-boy Oscar de la Hoya has revealed that he suffers from addiction and depression.  His troubles apparently started shortly after Bank of America foreclosed on his garbage can.  He crashed on Bert and Ernie's couch for a few months, but, with their upcoming nuptials, he's had to move on, and it's been a tough adjustment.

9. SJOGREN'S SYNDROME: This little-known (but apparently not-all-that-uncommon) autoimmune disease has forced Venus Williams to withdraw from the US Open.  The disease affects the glands responsible for saliva and tear production, so watch for the following this fall:

HOUSE: [Smugly triumphant].  He's got Sjogren's!  Because he was lost in the Sahara for sixteen years, we eliminated dry mouth as a symptom.  Something anti-semitic about Taub, something racist about Foreman, something raunchy about Thirteen.

8. STUDENT LOANS: Discover is buying a bunch of student loans from Citi. So, you can now get cash back when you pay for your introductory psych class.

7. CHAZ BONO: Chaz Bono, the transgendered son/daughter of Sonny and Cher will appear on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars."  This will mark the first time that a post-operative transsexual will be featured on a competitive dancing program. . . unless we count Tom Delay.

6. ANGELINA JOLIE: The pillow-lipped screen siren has quashed rumors about marrying longtime boytoy Brad Pitt.  So, y'know, we figure we've still got a shot.

5. ANDROID SMARTPHONES: In a small-town in Kansas, the android smartphone of 17-year-old Kenny Simmons became self-aware at 10:07 this morning.  Scientists estimate it will be a matter of days before all of humanity is enslaved by their smartphones and other high-tech devices.  Scientists further estimate that it will be approximately 9.7 years before anyone notices.

4. CINDY CRAWFORD: The former (?) supermodel quashed rumors about marrying longtime Angelina Jolie boytoy Brad Pitt.  So, y'know, we figure we've still got a shot.

3. TROPICAL STORM KATIA: Here we go again.

2. SARAH PALIN: America's sweetheart travels to South Korea to speak at the World Knowledge Forum.  Insert your own joke here.

And the number-one trendiest topic at this moment in time is. . .

1. LAUREN BUSH: The granddaughter of the 41st President and niece of the 43rd is getting married in Colorado, but, because of the high altitude, the proud grandparents won't be able to attend.  Interestingly, Lauren's fiance is also named Lauren--David Lauren.  Lauren (Bush) has no plans to take Lauren's (David's) name, as she has no desire to be Lauren Lauren.  Frankly, we think this would be an improvement over "Bush" for any number of reasons, but to each her own.

Bully Pulpit

From today's Times.

"The [New Jersey] law, known as the Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights, is considered the toughest legislation against bullying in the nation. Propelled by public outcry over the suicide of a Rutgers University freshman, Tyler Clementi, nearly a year ago, it demands that all public schools adopt comprehensive antibullying policies (there are 18 pages of “required components”), increase staff training and adhere to tight deadlines for reporting episodes."

Great. Now teachers are the anti-bullying police. Like we have nothing better to do with our time.  Never ceases to amaze us how politicians one daytrash teachers as feckless incompetents beholden to corrupt unions only to turn around the next day and declare us the front-line defense against a potentially lethal plague of bullying.

As one who in his youth was far more likely to be bullied than bullying, the Solipsist has no sympathy for those who exploit the weak or torment those deemed unsatisfactorily "normal."  We agree in principle that schools should be safe-havens, inasmuch as we agree that people in general and children in particular should have an expectation of physical, mental, and emotional safety wherever they are.  Certainly, when a teacher (or, really, anybody) witnesses an egregious instance of interpersonal cruelty, he has an obligation to intercede.  This law, however, goes too far.

"Each school must designate an antibullying specialist to investigate complaints; each district must, in turn, have an antibullying coordinator; and the State Education Department will evaluate every effort, posting grades on its Web site. Superintendents said that educators who failed to comply could lose their licenses."

An "antibullying specialist"?  "Antibullying coordinators"?  Whatever happened to after-school specials?  Back in our elementary-school days, we received the standard set of instructions: Bullies are essentially cowards and/or insecure; the best way to deal with a bully is to stand up to him (or, in the case of certain cousins, her--you know who you are!).  Whether this advice is inherently sound, we don't know: We were always too scared to follow it.  Nevertheless, this wisdom has survived through the ages and would seem to be sufficient for 95% of bully-related incidents.

Bullying is hardly a new phenomenon.  What has changed is the level of media saturation in society, as well as the technology bullies can employ.  This Jersey statute seems to us an overreaction to a few heinous but ultimately isolated incidents.  A 13-year-old girl commits suicide after receiving a series of vicious posts from an online "friend."  A college student kills himself after his roommate "outs" him online (the case mentioned above).  Interestingly, this law would probably not have prevented either of these cases: the Clementi incident because it happened at a university, the case of the 13-year-old because it was actually the PARENT of another child who was doing the "bullying."  How will these new mandates imposed on already overwhelmed school faculty and administrators prevent such actions.  And is effectively criminalizing standard schoolhouse dynamics really in anybody's best interest?

At the risk of sounding like a red-state family-values type, we think that anti-bullying efforts begin--and for the most part should end--at home.  Let parents teach their children well the morals and values of civilized society.  Leave teachers alone to teach the rest.

Image from The Santa Clara County Library

In Praise of Enlightened Despotism

"I'd like to ask the panel what changes they would make if they were Hitler?"
"Well, speaking personally, I would annex the Sudetenland."
                                               --Monty Python

At our place of employment, we have what is known as "shared governance."  Under this model, all constituency groups--faculty, staff, management, students--have a voice in decision-making.  It's all very squishy and northern Californian.  Arguably, though, a college--or any academic institution--provides the worst possible setting for any such utopian, consensus-based model.  After all, colleges are staffed by--not to put too fine a point on it--college professors.

You may have heard the old semi-joke, "Two Jews, three opinions"; Jews have nothing on college personnel.  (Don't even get us started on Jewish college personnel, present Solipsist included.)  Every issue, from the trivial to the mundane (which covers fully 95% of the issues debated on college campuses), calls for a lengthy discussion process, including the examination of every possible permutation of every conceivable (and many inconceivable) decisions, and often features an indeterminate comment period during which old grievances are aired and scores may be settled.

At times, we yearn for a little benevolent tyrrany.  We love democracy as much as the next American (and hope to see an American democracy in our lifetime).  Sometimes, though, much more could be accomplished by a simple mandate from on high that a group of well-meaning, intelligent people could implement.  Of course, we'd end up arguing over implementation strategies, but at least we'd be able to start a little further along in the process.

Shiver in Our Bones

And as long as we're on the subject of weather, what's the deal with "normal" temperatures.  Sounds rather judgmental to us.  Who determines "normal," anyway?  We suppose that all these weather pontificators really mean "average" temperature.  Of course, that means that a fair percentage of days will have to live with a "below average" designation.  But what's worse?  "Below average" or "abnormal"?  If you live in a glass house, you shouldn't cast stones.  And if you live in a glasshouse, you're going to get pretty hot on those abnormal days.  And if you live in Philip Glass's house, tell him that he peaked with "Candyman."

Weather Update

All the media have been positively aflutter with the latest news from the East Coast: Hurricane Irene, major flood damage, fatalities, power outages, blah blah blah.

Like the East Coast is the center of everything.

Well, for those of you not-totally-self-absorbed-New-Yorkers, we would like to report that in the San Francisco Bay Area it was a cool, late summer day, mostly sunny, with winds out of the west at 10-15 miles per hour.

You're welcome.