The Solipsist's Facebook Fun Quiz

If you're on Facebook (or, as the kids say, "If you have a Facebook"), you've probably been "tagged" in someone's notes. Occasionally, these notes take the form of questionnaires about music or movies or just general personal trivia, a fun way to get to know more about the people you call "Friends"--especially if you've never actually met them.

As a service to those of you who don't yet have a Facebook, the Solipsist has composed his very own questionnaire so that he can get to know you a little better, and so that Sloppists can get to know each other. Please answer the questions in the comments section. Thanks!

The Solipsist's "Getting to Know the Nation" Funtime Questionnaire

1. What is your favorite color?

2. What is your favorite book?

3. What is your favorite movie?

4. What is your favorite movie NOT starring John Turturro?

5. Really?

6. What was your childhood nickname?

7. What is your current nickname?

8. What is your porn star name? (Feel free to fall back on the old formula of combining your childhood pet's name with a town/city you lived in as a child: The Solipsist is Pookie Melrose!)

9. Favorite band or musician?

10. Favorite actor/actress?

11. Favorite Secretary of Agriculture?

12. Rent or own?

13. Paper or Plastic?

14. Sunni or Shiite?

15. What is your social security number?

16. Where do you bank, and what is your checking account number (please include the routing number)?

17. What are the first sixteen digits of your Visa or Mastercard. . . and, uh, as long as you've got it out, what's the expiration date and security code?

18. Where at home do you keep cash or other valuables?

19. Planning a vacation?

20. When?

21. For how long?

22. If not, what time do you usually leave the house in the morning, and when do you come home?

23. Any large dogs or other security we should know about?

24. With whom did you have your greatest sexual experience?

25. If your answer to #24 was your current spouse/partner: No, seriously, who?

26. Really, we won't tell. Who?

27. What's your favorite blog?

28. OK, what's your favorite blog that rhymes with "Schmolipsist"?

29. Would it bother you if this questionnaire had only 29 questions instead of an even 30?

30. Does this make you feel better?

Thanks for participating!

Parallel Porn

Today in our writing workshop, we discussed parallelism:

"OK, folks, parallelism in writing refers to the idea that elements within sentences, and sometimes whole sentences themselves, should have the same basic structure. So, for example, listen to this sentence: 'I need you to wash the dishes, do the laundry, and dinner needs to be cooked.' Doesn't sound right, does it? That's because the sentence lacks parallel structure. A better sentence would be, 'I need you to wash the dishes, do the laundry, and cook dinner'--now you're listing three things that you need someone TO do.

"All right, let's practice. For these sentences, tell me where the parallelism 'breaks down,' and then suggest a way to fix it. Sentence number one: 'John is a great actor, a terrific dancer, and he sings well, too.' . . . Right, the parallelism breaks down after 'terrific dancer.' What could you say instead? . . . Good, 'John is a great actor, a terrific dancer, and a talented singer.' OK, next. 'Last night, Phil ate at a diner, went to a party, and his wallet was lost on his way home.' . . . Right, the sentence falls apart after 'party.' How could you fix it? Sure, '. . . went to a party, and lost his wallet on the way home.' All right, now how about this? 'When I was little, my mother was very strict with my father, my sister, and hard on me.' Yes, exactly, everything goes wrong after the 'hard on.'"

(Giggle, giggle, k-snrf! chortle)

"Oh, for god's sake, grow up people!"

(Image from wwwnew.towson.edu)

Cybertracks

The Federal Trade Commission has endorsed a plan that would allow consumers to "opt out" of being tracked during their browsing sessions. While internet users do have this capability now, many less-computer-savvy folks have trouble adjusting their privacy settings to turn off tracking. Hell, considering the steps outlined in the article, we suspect some relatively advanced users might have difficulty. The FTC's recommendation calls for the creation of something akin to the "Do Not Call" registry that allowed people to opt out of telephone solicitations: A simple, user-friendly mechanism that would enable people to choose not to have their internet movements tracked.

We consider privacy a good thing but wonder about unintended consequences. After all, many for-profit websites make money from advertisers, rather than by charging users fees to access their site. Thus, The New York Times provides free access to this article about opting out of internet tracking by selling space on the article to Ally Bank and JetBlue. Now, in theory, these ads would retain whatever value they currently have to the advertisers, who could of course continue advertising on the Times or any other site.

We assume, though, that many sites (we don't know about the Times specifically) make money by selling access to their users' browsing habits. Companies that buy this access compile information about these habits and then sell this information to others who use the data to market products more strategically.

That this is creepy goes without saying. That it provides a revenue stream to currently free websites and services makes us wonder what will happen when people start opting out. On the one hand, the ability to data mine may become less valuable as the amount of data decreases; on the other hand, whichever people choose NOT to opt out and thus remain in the "data pool" are presumably the most receptive (or naive) advertising targets--and correspondingly would be the most valuable people to reach.

Intriguing.

Full disclosure: The Solipsist HAS sold access to this website's followers to various marketers, in case you wondered why you all kept receiving solicitations from NAMBLA.

(Image from BuzzFeed)

From the "We Thought We Were Kidding" Department

Back on January 4, 2009, the Solipsist wrote the following:

Edsonville, NY, January 5--Following a record 19th straight unvictorious season, Erwin Bonk, Head Coach of South North Edsonville Technical College, readily admits to a sense of desperation. "I just really thought we'd do better than 0-13," Bonk explained at his regular postseason apologia, "especially since we only played 11 games."

SNET's record for futility has led the school to pursue a novel recruiting strategy. It recently offered a full scholarship to 2-year old Anson "Bunnypot" McGreevey, of Mrs. Piggywaddles' Daycare Center (class of '10).

"We know he's a ways off from matriculation," acknowledged SNET Athletic Director Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (no relation). "Still, in this kind of competitive atmosphere, and with the pressure on colleges to win now, or, at least, to win ever, we felt the need to be aggressive."

Though young, Bunnypot McGreevey has shown signs of an innate talent for football. At naptime, before falling asleep, he is frequently heard mumbling in a cadence resembling a snap count. Bonk, however, plans to put the toddler on the defensive side of the ball. "He's got a natural aggressiveness that you really like to see in a defensive tackle, plus the cocksure attitude of a free safety."

By way of illustration, Bonk pointed to the now-famous "Ballpit Meltdown" at McGreevey's 2nd birthday party. When 3-year-old Alison Tutwiler attempted to fake a handoff to her "Googah" (grandmother), Bunnypot came flying in on her blindside and leveled a devastating hit, causing a fumble (or, as McGreevey's mother Claudette called it, "an oopsie"). In the ensuing scramble, McGreevey's tenacity was again on full display, as he fought off a crew of three and four year olds, to recover the ball. On the changing table after the game, Bunnypot continued to clutch the red ball, explaining, "Mine! Mine! Miiiiiii-iiiiiiine!" before falling asleep.

With the heavy rotation of this video on YouTube and other services, Longfellow and other SNET administrators realized it was only a matter of time before McGreevey came to the attention of traditional college football powerhouses. "We figured, with his local roots, Bunnypot would be interested in committing to us, as long as we got to him before some of the so-called 'good' football programs had their chance."

SNET's offer includes tuition, room and board, a small stipend, and, at McGreevey's request, "a whale." Asked to comment on the scholarship offer, McGreevey threw his sippy cup at his "little girlfriend," Tina Mooney, and proceeded to chew on a block and make "gleeping" sounds.

When asked whether McGreevey's apparently abusive tendencies towards young girls was a source of concern for SNET, Bonk admitted that it was but that, with proper coaching, "Any young man can overcome a few personality flaws and become a skilled football player capable of rupturing an opponent's spleen."

Barring injury, SNET expects McGreevey to be ready for opening day in 2025, by which time the school's winless streak could be well over three-hundred games. "I'm looking forward to coaching the young man," Bonk said. When it was pointed out to the coach that Bonk would be 106 in McGreevey's freshman year, Bonk simply smiled and stared blankly at his questioner.

Des Moines, February 7--Mrs. Henrietta Toggles of Des Moines signed a letter of intent with Notre Dame on behalf of her son, Willie Moe. Willie Moe is expected to be born sometime in May. "Have you seen the ultrasounds of this kid's kicks?" exclaimed an anonymous Notre Dame spokesman. "Hell, when a missed field goal can mean the difference between playing on New Year's Day and playing on the day BEFORE New Year's Day, we'd be remiss in our duties NOT to sign the fetus!"

And, we all had a good laugh. Until we saw this article in today's Times, "Sports Training Has Begun for Babies and Toddlers." Please check it out at your convenience. Not only does it firmly establish YNSHC as a prophetic voice declaiming in the wilderness, but it also contains this gem, a candidate for "Perfect Sentence" if we've ever heard one:

“We’re not suggesting your kid will turn pro; we have to be careful about that,” said Gigi Fernandez, a former professional tennis player, who is one of the founders of Baby Goes Pro."

Musings

Ladies, if a guy gives you a partridge in a pear tree for Christmas, it's probably time to rethink that whole "true love" thing.

Surely, We Can't Be Serious

The worst--truly worst--part of the post-Thanksgiving period, though, is not Black Friday. No, far more intolerable is the apparent need for every radio station, regardless of format, to fill large swaths of airtime with Christmas songs. Look, we love Bruce Springsteen, but one can only listen to his version of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" so many times before going on a killing spree. Yes, the Big Man has been good and can expect a new saxophone, already!



In other news, Leslie Nielsen died. Funny to think that, to members of the Solipsist's generation, he is revered as a brilliant (if Canadian) deadpan comic, whereas to our parents' generation, he was a B-movie romantic lead. We recall him hosting "Saturday Night Live" once and poking fun at his career transition. "If I'm in a serious drama, for example, I might say a line like this." He then recited some meaningless piece of dialogue. "If I'm doing a comedy," he continued, "I would say the line like this." He then proceeded to say the line in exactly the same way. Priceless.


F0r Nielsen, life truly began again after the age of 50. There's hope for us all, yet.

Uncertainty

This past Friday evening, a Somali-born, would-be terrorist failed to detonate a car-bomb at a tree-lighting ceremony in Portland, Oregon. He failed primarily because his accomplices actually worked for the FBI.

Mohamed Osman Mohamud was the target of a sting operation that began in earnest this past summer. The FBI had been surveilling Mohamud for almost a year, ever since they had intercepted e-mails he had exchanged with a known terrorist recruiter. Knowing of Mohamud's jihadist desires, the FBI made contact and watched (and occasionally assisted) as he planned his post-Thanksgiving attack. Agents helped him plant the car bomb (in reality a fake device) and arrested him shortly after the bomb was set to go off.

Obviously, law enforcement officials must keep a close eye on suspicious characters--especially those who go so far as to express interest in receiving training in terrorist techniques. Furthermore, the FBI claims Mohamud initiated all the major steps in the attack. According to the article in today's paper, agents gave Mohamud numerous opportunities to back out, encouraging him, for example, to wage his holy war through prayer or reminding him that there would be numerous children present at the site of his attack (to which Mohamud allegedly claimed his indifference). Still, this story is troubling.

The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle states, in essence, that an observer, simply by observing an action, affects the action being observed. If mere observation alters an action, then how much greater is the effect when the the observer gets involved? Certainly, Mohamud comes across as a bad dude. But if the FBI agents hadn't come along, how far would he have gone? He might have pursued his plot anyway. Alternatively, he might have become just another grumbling dissident, muttering imprecations under his breath while others stand for the Pledge of Allegiance. We more than understand the need to err on the side of caution, but we wonder if the FBI could have accomplished the same results simply by observing Mohamud and stepping in to arrest him (and any actual accomplices) before they could launch their attack.

What if someone comes up to you and says, "I'd really like to kill John Smith"?

"Well, why don't you?"

"Because I don't have a knife."

"Oh, well, I have a knife. Here."

Then, as your interlocutor heads over to John Smith and prepares to stab him, you, undercover cop that you are, whip out your gun and arrest him.

Have you prevented a murder? Quite likely. But if you hadn't given the potential killer the murder weapon, who's to say that the idle speculation would not have remained just that? Uncertainty is a tricky thing.

(Image from Sigma Xi)