Sunday Paper Recap

Today's top story informs us that Wall Street has roared back and that major firms have gone on something of a hiring spree. So, relax everyone: Manufacturing and construction continue to flag, state budget deficits necessitate slashes in all manner of public services from education to environmental protection to public safety, and even LeBron James had to accept a pay cut to relocate to South Florida--but the investment banks who brought you the great recession seem to be doing just fine.

Which may or may not come as consolation to politicians from both parties who voted for the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP) who now find themselves targeted for their largesse. Both Democratic and Republican congressional candidates are on the defensive as constituents express anger at their votes to bail out the banks. Interestingly, according to most economists, the TARP legislation did exactly what it was supposed to do: It stabilized the financial system. Furthermore, in the end, the government didn't have to spend all the money it has earmarked for the program, and the money that was disbursed has since been repaid with interest.

We had no great enthusiasm for the program. It seems, however, odd to punish politicians for taking a largely successful action, one which--since the money has been repaid--seems to have had no lasting ill effects. What troubles us is not that people are angry about the fact that fatcats received bailouts--that we can understand. We worry, though, when abstract anger is whipped into moblike frenzy. If you think the bailout was wrong on principle, then by all means, throw the bastards out--but make sure you do it for principle and not because the end result was bad. It seems like it wasn't.

How about a bailout for Haiti? Half a year has passed since a massive earthquake devastated Port-au-Prince, and just a small fraction of the displaced have settled into permanent housing. A line of tents has been erected on a highway median--to reach the latrines requires dodging through traffic. But remember: Goldman Sachs is doing OK.

On the lighter side of the news, we can look forward to the day when flesh and blood teachers will be obsolete. Researchers in the field of artificial intelligence are making great strides in the realm of education. The big breakthrough has come at UC San Diego, where a teacherbot named RUBI conducts Finnish lessons for elementary school children. We don't know why the programmers opted for Finnish as the language of choice--maybe because it has a lot of 'K' sounds, and K's are funny. Still, if you hear of any jobs that might be good for technologically-displaced writing instructors, keep us in mind.

Finally, we were pleased to read that black South Africans hold no grudges when it comes to soccer. Many of those formerly subject to apartheid were willing to put aside years of racism, repression, and violence in order to root for the Dutch national team in today's World Cup final. It seems that sports can build bridges that history may have torn down. It gives us hope that Cleveland and Miami may one day be able to coexist peacefully. We can dream, can't we?

Jesus Got a Gun (and Other Minutiae)

And now for something completely unoriginal: Randomness.

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On a number of "true crime" shows, you'll hear reference to a "nameless killer."  We blame the parents!  Maybe if more parents were willing to name their children, there'd be fewer murders.

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SCENES WE'D LIKE TO SEE:

(An awards ceremony.  Full house.  Audience and hosts in tuxedos and evening gowns.)

HOST: (Stands at podium)  And this year's winner of the "NBA Mr. Sportsmanship of the Year Award."  A man who exemplifies the spirit of fair play and clean competition. . . . (Opens envelope and extracts paper.  Reads.)  From the Cincinnati Queens, Montrose Ellison!!!

(Crowd cheers.  Ellison makes his way to the stage, shaking hands, embracing audience members, high fiving.  He reaches the stage, shakes hands with the presenter.  A model hands him a crystal trophy.  Ellison stands at the podium to address the audience.)

Ellison:  Wow!  Wow!  Well, I would just like say, THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHA-F***AS!  I WON!  IN YOUR FACE!!!  You. . .you. . . Wilson (Camera finds Monk Wilson in audience, looking disappointed).  See this?  (Waving trophy in air.)  It's mine, Asswipe!  You can kiss my sweet, perfectly-toned ass!  'Cause I won, and you didn't!  So just take your skinny ass back to Jacksonville and go cry with the babies at the orphanage you set up, cause you are a LOOOOO-SER!!!  (Ellison improvises a jig, thrusting his pelvis in the general direction of the other candidates.  Sings.)  I am the sports-man-of-the-yea-e-ear!  I am the sports-man-of-the-yea-e-ear!  Everyone else can kiss my ass, 'cause I'm the sports-man-of-the yea-e-ear!"

And so on.

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We got caught up in our commentary about the Supreme Court yesterday, but another article also caught our eye, and we wanted to make sure none of you Sloppists missed out:

"Pastor Urges His Flock to Bring Guns to Church"

We're seriously thinking we may need to start a new feature.  Call it "The Onion Times."  This would be reserved for articles that would be amusing were they in "The Onion," but that simply bring tears to our eyes when they're in the Times (and not tears of laughter, either).

So, anyway, the gist: Ken Pagano, the pastor (!!!) of the New Bethel Church in Louisville, KY, invited his parishioners to, well. . . you can read the headline.  The shindig is happening tonight, Saturday (so you can imagine our anticipation for tomorrow's paper).  Some pertinent quotes from the article:

"'God and guns were part of the foundation of this country. . . . I don't see any contradiction in this."  That's Pastor Ken Pagano, saying there's no contradiction between his duties and encouraging his flock to carry guns.  'Pastoral' (Adjective): Having the simplicity, charm, serenity, or other characteristics generally attributed to rural areas (emphasis added). 

Not every Christian denomination is pacifist.'"  So Pagano's really just emulating his church forebears. . . like Torquemada.

"The bring-your-gun-to-church day. . .will include a $1 raffle of a handgun, firearms safety lessons, and a picnic."  Bring your gun and enter a raffle for a chance to win. . . A GUN!  Let's just hope they don't run out of potato salad at the picnic.  Things could get ugly.

"[There] is little support for the [assault-weapons ban].  Mr. Obama and his party have largely ignored gun-control issues, and the president even signed a measure that will allow firearms in national parks."  "Hey, Boo-Boo!  Look what I have in my pick-a-nick basket: A snub-nosed semi-automatic Mauser!"

"[Several] states have recently passed laws allowing gun owners to carry firearms in more places--bars, restaurants, cars and parks."  Bars.  Think about it.

"Of the 40 states with right-to-carry laws, 20 allow guns in churches."  Hmm. . . . Those 20 slackers don't sound like they have the Christian spirit!

'[A] group of local churches and peace activists [are] staging a counterpicnic--called 'Bring your peaceful heart, leave your gun at home'--at the same time as Mr. Pagano's event."  For their sake, let's hope that Pastor Pagano doesn't have his heart set on conquest!  (Also, we find the word "counterpicnic" adorable.)

"But news media attention--some from overseas--has focused on Mr. Pagano."  We shudder to think how this is playing overseas.  We had hoped that the image of Americans as backward militaristic rednecks would diminish with the end of the Bush regime.  Thanks a lot, Pagano!

"Sheriff's deputies will be at the doors to check that openly carried firearms are unloaded, but they will not check for concealed weapons.  'That's the whole point of concealed,' Mr. Pagano said, adding that he was not worried because such owners require training."  Yeah, there's nothing worse than being shot by someone without training.

"[The] church's insurance company. . . had canceled the church's policy for the day on Saturday and told him that it would cancel the policy for good at the end of the year.  If he cannot find insurance for Saturday, people will not be allowed in openly carrying their guns."  In other words, Pagano doesn't really care if people end up shooting each other in his church, as long as he doesn't have to pay for any damages that might be incurred.  Where's your Messiah, now, Kenny?

We'll leave the final word to John Phillips, pastor of the Central Church of Christ in Little Rock, Arkansas.  In 1986, at a different church, Phillips was shot by a parishioner.  He survived (obviously), but he still has a bullet in his spine from the incident:

"I don't understand how any minister who is familiar with the teachings of the Bible can do this.  Jesus didn't say, 'Go ahead, make my day.'"

Amen.

(Image from "Political Nanny")