Jesus Got a Gun (and Other Minutiae)

And now for something completely unoriginal: Randomness.

******************************

On a number of "true crime" shows, you'll hear reference to a "nameless killer."  We blame the parents!  Maybe if more parents were willing to name their children, there'd be fewer murders.

*******************************

SCENES WE'D LIKE TO SEE:

(An awards ceremony.  Full house.  Audience and hosts in tuxedos and evening gowns.)

HOST: (Stands at podium)  And this year's winner of the "NBA Mr. Sportsmanship of the Year Award."  A man who exemplifies the spirit of fair play and clean competition. . . . (Opens envelope and extracts paper.  Reads.)  From the Cincinnati Queens, Montrose Ellison!!!

(Crowd cheers.  Ellison makes his way to the stage, shaking hands, embracing audience members, high fiving.  He reaches the stage, shakes hands with the presenter.  A model hands him a crystal trophy.  Ellison stands at the podium to address the audience.)

Ellison:  Wow!  Wow!  Well, I would just like say, THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHA-F***AS!  I WON!  IN YOUR FACE!!!  You. . .you. . . Wilson (Camera finds Monk Wilson in audience, looking disappointed).  See this?  (Waving trophy in air.)  It's mine, Asswipe!  You can kiss my sweet, perfectly-toned ass!  'Cause I won, and you didn't!  So just take your skinny ass back to Jacksonville and go cry with the babies at the orphanage you set up, cause you are a LOOOOO-SER!!!  (Ellison improvises a jig, thrusting his pelvis in the general direction of the other candidates.  Sings.)  I am the sports-man-of-the-yea-e-ear!  I am the sports-man-of-the-yea-e-ear!  Everyone else can kiss my ass, 'cause I'm the sports-man-of-the yea-e-ear!"

And so on.

*************************************

We got caught up in our commentary about the Supreme Court yesterday, but another article also caught our eye, and we wanted to make sure none of you Sloppists missed out:

"Pastor Urges His Flock to Bring Guns to Church"

We're seriously thinking we may need to start a new feature.  Call it "The Onion Times."  This would be reserved for articles that would be amusing were they in "The Onion," but that simply bring tears to our eyes when they're in the Times (and not tears of laughter, either).

So, anyway, the gist: Ken Pagano, the pastor (!!!) of the New Bethel Church in Louisville, KY, invited his parishioners to, well. . . you can read the headline.  The shindig is happening tonight, Saturday (so you can imagine our anticipation for tomorrow's paper).  Some pertinent quotes from the article:

"'God and guns were part of the foundation of this country. . . . I don't see any contradiction in this."  That's Pastor Ken Pagano, saying there's no contradiction between his duties and encouraging his flock to carry guns.  'Pastoral' (Adjective): Having the simplicity, charm, serenity, or other characteristics generally attributed to rural areas (emphasis added). 

Not every Christian denomination is pacifist.'"  So Pagano's really just emulating his church forebears. . . like Torquemada.

"The bring-your-gun-to-church day. . .will include a $1 raffle of a handgun, firearms safety lessons, and a picnic."  Bring your gun and enter a raffle for a chance to win. . . A GUN!  Let's just hope they don't run out of potato salad at the picnic.  Things could get ugly.

"[There] is little support for the [assault-weapons ban].  Mr. Obama and his party have largely ignored gun-control issues, and the president even signed a measure that will allow firearms in national parks."  "Hey, Boo-Boo!  Look what I have in my pick-a-nick basket: A snub-nosed semi-automatic Mauser!"

"[Several] states have recently passed laws allowing gun owners to carry firearms in more places--bars, restaurants, cars and parks."  Bars.  Think about it.

"Of the 40 states with right-to-carry laws, 20 allow guns in churches."  Hmm. . . . Those 20 slackers don't sound like they have the Christian spirit!

'[A] group of local churches and peace activists [are] staging a counterpicnic--called 'Bring your peaceful heart, leave your gun at home'--at the same time as Mr. Pagano's event."  For their sake, let's hope that Pastor Pagano doesn't have his heart set on conquest!  (Also, we find the word "counterpicnic" adorable.)

"But news media attention--some from overseas--has focused on Mr. Pagano."  We shudder to think how this is playing overseas.  We had hoped that the image of Americans as backward militaristic rednecks would diminish with the end of the Bush regime.  Thanks a lot, Pagano!

"Sheriff's deputies will be at the doors to check that openly carried firearms are unloaded, but they will not check for concealed weapons.  'That's the whole point of concealed,' Mr. Pagano said, adding that he was not worried because such owners require training."  Yeah, there's nothing worse than being shot by someone without training.

"[The] church's insurance company. . . had canceled the church's policy for the day on Saturday and told him that it would cancel the policy for good at the end of the year.  If he cannot find insurance for Saturday, people will not be allowed in openly carrying their guns."  In other words, Pagano doesn't really care if people end up shooting each other in his church, as long as he doesn't have to pay for any damages that might be incurred.  Where's your Messiah, now, Kenny?

We'll leave the final word to John Phillips, pastor of the Central Church of Christ in Little Rock, Arkansas.  In 1986, at a different church, Phillips was shot by a parishioner.  He survived (obviously), but he still has a bullet in his spine from the incident:

"I don't understand how any minister who is familiar with the teachings of the Bible can do this.  Jesus didn't say, 'Go ahead, make my day.'"

Amen.

(Image from "Political Nanny")