The Solipsist Reads the Times (So You Don't Have To)

First, some good news: American negotiators see hopeful signs that the Iranian government may be feeling pressure to reach a deal on its nuclear program that may prove acceptable to the international community--said "international community" presumably not including Iran.  It's always struck me as somewhat ironic, not to say hyprocritical, not to say "wrong" that countries like the US, with its own huge nuclear arsenal, dictates to other nations whether they can or cannot possess such weapons themselves.  Not that I'm in favor of Iranian nukes: I'd prefer that President Mahmanamana not have such weapons; I'd prefer even more that NOBODY had such weapons; and I'd prefer most of all that ONLY the United States had such weapons--well, and maybe England, 'cause they're adorable.  But, y'know, what's good for the nuclear goose is good for the atomic gander and all.

Anyway, the good news: International sanctions seem to be having some effect on Iranian leaders.  How do we know that Iran is feeling pressure?  Among other things, "Americans believe that recent blustery statements from Iranian officials are laying the groundwork for concessions by Tehran."  Hey, if "blustery statements" are good, then "outright threats" must be even better!  If we're lucky, maybe Iran will launch an "all-out military attack" on a neighboring country!  Then, we'll really be in business.

Unless you live under a rock or are still using MySpace, you know that Facebook went public yesterday.  Apparently even Zuckerberg couldn't figure out the privacy settings!  (Yes, I stole that line; it was worth it.)  People are disappointed (or maybe gloating) because the stock posted only a minor gain on its first day of trading.  Some suspect that investors were turned off when Mark Zuckerberg showed up to ring the stock market's opening bell wearing his trademark  hoodie.  Where's George Zimmerman when you need him?!?

Sorry.

Representative Harold Rogers (R-KY) has some 'splainin' to do.  He steered a government contract to supply "drip pans" for army helicopters to a company in his district, at the presumably outrageous cost of $17,000 per pan.  In Rogers' defense, these are leakproof pans.  He could have gotten leaky pans for only $16,500 per, but I for one think our troops are worth the extra expenses.

Eminent psychiatrist Dr. Robert L. Spitzer has come out (so to speak) against an earlier study he authored.  In that 2003 study, he claimed that so-called "gay conversion therapy," which seeks to "cure" homosexuals of their gaiety, might offer benefits to those who truly wanted to change their sexual orientation.  Now, Dr. Spitzer is no gay-basher: In the 1970s, he played a prominent role in convincing the psychiatric community to STOP classifying homosexuality as a mental illness.  So his later study, which bucked the consensus view that "gay cures" were at best ineffective and at worst extremely harmful, was hailed by many conservatives as a vindication of their view that homosexuality was a reversible choice.  In fairness to Dr. Spitzer, he most emphatically denied that there was anything wrong with homosexuality, and emphasized that his study only suggested that "gay cures" merited further investigation, but this didn't prevent the demagoguery of small minds.  At any rate, Dr. Spitzer now acknowledges that his study suffered from methodological flaws and he has apologized to the gay community for the harm that he unwittingly caused.  Good for him.

Now, if only someone would find a cure for narrow-minded bigotry and homophobia.

Alexis Tsipras may become the Prime Minister of Greece in the next few weeks.  His left-wing party is likely to claim a majority in upcoming elections, a result of widespread anger at austerity measures demanded by the power-brokers in the European union.  Tsipras seems to enjoy his newfound power and has unaplogetically tweaked the euro-zone leaders (read: Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany).

Annoying the Germans, huh?  Surely, nothing bad could come of that.

Finally, I was deeply saddened to read of the passing of Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau.  Then I remembered that I don't know who that is.  Turns out, he was the pre-eminent twentieth-century interpreter of  "art songs," a traditional genre that extends from classical works, such as Schubert's "Der Erlkonig," to modern-day masterpieces like Nicki Minaj's "Stupid Hoe."  Truly, Fischer-Dieskau was a genius; only someone with a heart of stone could be unmoved by his rendition of "My Humps."

You're welcome, Nation.

More Shameful Knowledge

The other day, construction workers at the college struck a gas line, filling the air around the campus with the sweet toxicity of poisonous vapors.  (I swear, it wasn't me!)  We had to evacuate most of the buildings.  One of the few open buildings was the cafeteria, so a bunch of us gathered there.  I sat at a table with several other faculty members.  Somehow, the conversation turned to buttons--specifically, the fact that the buttons on men's and women's shirts are on different sides.  The folks then began wondering why this should be the case.  Was this just a random decision on the part of clothing manufacturers?  Some sort of strange sexism?

"Actually," I said, "I've heard that the reasons are historical.  It goes back to the days when women--particularly upper-class women--had dressers, that is, people who would dress them.  Having the buttons on the 'opposite' side made it easier for the dresser to button the lady's shirt."

After saying this, I heard the all-too-familiar sound of bemused silence, followed by the equally familiar, "Why on earth do you KNOW this?"

I've heard the expression "guilty knowledge," but I never knew this was what it meant.

Terms of Art

Today I proctored a three-hour exam. As I headed out to the test site, I told my staff that I was going to be out of the office, proctoring an exam.

“Why do you have to say ‘proctoring,’? Why don’t you just say, ‘watching people take a test’?”

“It’s not just watching people take a test..”

“So what else is it?”

“Well. . . . I also have to hand the test out. . . .and, uh, collect them at the end.”

So, OK, we say “proctoring” because it sounds better.

Every profession has its terms of art, and academia is no exception. Intersession. Emeritus professor. I’ve spent the last 25 years of my life at one college or another and still don't know exactly what a “provost” is.

I had a professor who, at the first class meeting, engaged in a disquisition on the word “syllabus”: “Isn’t ‘syllabus’ a fascinating word? How many of you had heard the word ‘syllabus’ before you came to college? A word that was previously unfamiliar, if not unknown, to you represents now an essential, basic part of your lives. Furthermore, the word connotes authority, membership. By receiving a syllabus for a class, you are recognized as a member of a group--a class--a gathering of scholars. Knowledge of the word, familiarity with the word, is both a result and an indicator of a certain status in society.”

Of course, in a later class, this same professor talked about how beautiful it would be to be a woman and to sit naked in a grassy, moonlit field while menstruating, so. . . .

Creepy Ginger Update

Rupert Murdoch's former number-one girl Rebekah Brooks was charged yesterday with ""perverting the course of justice" (which sounds a lot cooler than "obstruction") in the British phone-hacking scandal.

Isn't it past time that Ms. Brooks consider a dye-job? Because, seriously, do you think the British courts would be giving her half this much trouble if she were a brunette? As it is, she looks positively Canadian!

I Hate to Admit It, But Santorum Was Right

Talk about burying the lede! Hidden in an article about President Obama's recent endorsement of the right of gays and lesbians to marry ("Obama’s Switch on Same-Sex Marriage Stirs Skepticism")--all the way down in paragraph 12!--was this:

Mr. Obama’s endorsement of same-sex marriage appeared to have little effect on Americans’ view of the issue. More influential seems to be the increasing familiarity with people who are gay and lesbian. In a 2003 Times/CBS News poll, 44 percent of respondents said they had a colleague at work, close friend or relative who was gay, compared with 69 percent in the latest poll. Those who did were more likely to support legalizing same-sex marriage than those who did not.

Oh, well, there you go.

HELLO!!!!  Can we go back to that paragraph for a moment:  "In a 2003 Times/CBS News poll, 44 percent of respondents said they had a colleague at work, close friend or relative who was gay, compared with 69 percent in the latest poll."

(DIGRESSION: Heh. .  . heh. .  . He said '69.' END OF DIGRESSION)

There's been a 57% increase in the gay and lesbian population of the United States over less than ten years, and all we're talking about is the President's poll numbers?!?

(DIGRESSION: Heh. . .heh. . .He said 'poll.'  END OF DIGRESSION)

Have gay-marriage foes seen this? Their whole raison d'outrage has been that sanctioning gay marriage would lead to greater acceptance of homosexuality and, presumably, greater and greater numbers of people embracing this alluvasudden chic lifestyle ('cause nothing's cooler than holy matrimony!!!!). . . .  And, if these numbers are to be trusted, they're right!  As gay marriage has become a more and more mainstream topic of conversation, the numbers of gays and lesbians have increased dramatically!  The only possible conclusion: Letting gays marry TURNS AMERICANS GAY!!!!

Well, you've been warned.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch a Ricky Martin video.

Oh, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

Linguistic Tinkering

Onomatopoeia is a very disappointing word.  Referring to a word that imitates a sound, onomatopoeia is a colorful rhetorical device, examples of which include "splash," "honk," "meow," and "wombat" (because, let's face it, when you hear the word 'wombat,' you immediately get a mental image of what the word sounds like):

Here's my problem, though: Shouldn't the word for "a word that imitates a sound" be an example of onomatopoeia?  In other words, I think the word for a word that sounds like the thing it describes should be something like 'wordthatsoundslikethethingitdescribes.'

Somebody get on that, please.

Might As Well Face It, You're Addicted to Everything

Proposed revisions for the upcoming Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV), the de facto Bible of the psychiatric community, will redefine addiction in such a way that countless more people will qualify for a diagnosis. Under the new guidelines, for example, "people who often drink more than intended and crave alcohol may be considered mild addicts.” In the past, people had to engage in more extreme behavior like missing work or drunk driving or killing and eating local electricians before receiving an addiction diagnosis.

On the one hand, this is good news for the aforementioned “mild addicts,” who would be able to get treatment (whether absolutely necessary or not) and yummy, yummy pharmaceuticals. On the other hand, though, if doing something “more than intended” and “craving” are signs of an addiction disorder, who isn’t an addict? I myself am addicted to any number of things from sleep to White Castle hamburgers.

Maybe I can qualify for disability?

********************************************
You may have noticed that I haven’t yet wished MOS a happy Mother’s Day. I figure I’ve already given her the greatest gift any mother could want--Me!--so any further well-wishing would be the height of superfluity. But to WOS and all those other Moms out in Solipsist Nation, let me wish you a joyous day.