Thursday Trendwatch (Saturday Edition)

10. ROBOT SURGERY
Why it's trending: According to a headline on Foxnews.com (and I can only imagine what kind of sinister GOP cookies just got embedded in my computer when I went to THAT site), "Questions remain on value of robot prostate surgery."  I didn't even realize robots had prostates!

9. MITT ROMNEY
Why he's trending: I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count.  Specifically, though, the Mittster has affirmed that, if elected, he "will not take God out of the name of our party platform."  The Democrats, of course, first removed and then reinstated the Almighty in their party platform, a non-story that Republicans predictably milked for all it was worth.  I was unaware that God appeared in the "name" of the Republican party platform, which is actually titled "Republican Platform: We Believe in America."  Perhaps it's in a special font that only Republicans can see?  Or did Mitt just have dyslexic moment when he saw the letters "GOP"?  Which don't appear in the name of the platform, either, but what are you gonna do?

Asked for comment, Yahweh replied, "I'd appreciate if everyone could leave me out of it.  I stopped following politics after the dissolution of the Whig party."

8. CLINT EASTWOOD
Why he's trending: Why do you think?  Personally, I had no problem with Clint's rambling interview with the invisible POTUS at the RNC.  I did think it was a little tacky to wrap up with, "And remember, 'Trouble with the Curve' opens on September 7. Peace out!"

7. COCA-COLA FLAVOR DROPS
Why it's trending: Technically, what's trending is "Dasani drops," a soon-to-be-introduced water-enhancer from the Coca-Cola Company.  Added to water, the drops turn boring H2O into a fruity, refreshing treat.  One word of caution: Do NOT  drink undiluted Dasani drops: Stuff's like uncut heroin.

6. KIM ZOLCIAK
Why she's trending: Because she just gave birth a few weeks ago, and CHECK. HER. OUT!

Now I just need someone to tell me who the balls Kim Zolciak is!

5. GOLD MINING
Why it's trending: With the weak jobs report, and speculation that the Federal Reserve will take further action to stimulate the economy (and thus potentially cause inflation to rise), end-timers and other survivalist types will flock to gold as a safe financial harbor.  Only a churl would point out that the value of gold is exactly as arbitrary as that of fiat currency like the American dollar, and I am not a churl.  Still, I recommend like-minded citizens join me in an internet movement to transfer the symbolic value of gold onto a more accessible medium.  Dasani drops, perhaps.

4. AMY POEHLER
Why she's trending: She and husband Will Arnett are splitting up after nine years of marriage.  I didn't know they were a couple.  Must have been a lot of fun around the dinner table. Or maybe not.  They are splitting up, after all.

3. KHLOE KARDASHIAN
Why she's trending: After completing a mini-marathon to help raise money for Medecins san Frontieres (Doctors without Borders), the reality-TV star and respected medieval scholar joined MSF volunteers on a trip to Nicaragua, where over 100 children received free cleft-palate surgeries.  She also dined with President Daniel Ortega and his cabinet and discussed opportunities to subsidize tenant farmers in the country's interi--  Nah, I'm just messing with you: She's a finalist for the "X Factor" hosting gig.

2. MICHELLE OBAMA NAIL POLISH
Why it's trending: Style-obsessed Americans have been buzzing for days about the nail polish that First Lady Michelle Obama wore the other night at the DNC.  Now, it can be told: The striking color, "Vogue," was created by extracting stem cells from aborted fetuses.  It's true!  That's what Rush Limbaugh said, anyway.

And the number-one trending topic at this moment on the space-time continuum is. . . .

1. JENNIFER GRANHOLM
Why she's trending: The former governor of Michigan gave a fiery speech at the Democratic National Convention, blasting Mitt Romney for opposing President Obama's plan to save General Motors.  Too bad she can't run for President: She was born in Canada.  I mean, I obviously have no fundamental objection to a foreign-born President, but Canada?  I have to draw the line somewhere.

Saturday Trendwatch

10. RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS

WHY IT'S TRENDING: A recent study determined that people with rheumatoid arthritis were no less likely than non-sufferers to receive screening for various cancers.  These findings contradict those of an earlier study that found that RA sufferers did undergo fewer such screenings.  It was later determined that the original study suffered from a major design flaw: Instead of assessing people suffering from RA (rheumatoid arthritis), scientists mistakenly interviewed those suffering because of  RA's (resident advisors) at a number of northeastern colleges.  This not only explained the comparative scarcity of cancer screenings (among what was, after all, a generally young population), but also the abundance of respondents who referred to their "rheumatoid arthritis" as "a douchebag."

9. GAS PRICES

WHY IT'S TRENDING: Why wouldn't it be?  Gas prices are always a subject of discussion.  If they go up, it's news.  If they go down, it's news.  If they do nothing, it's news!  Might as well just throw darts at a wall with "Lower," "Higher," and "No change" signs taped to it.  This week, the answer is. . . .HIGHER!!!  HIGHER!!!  HIGHER!!!  At least in some parts of the nation.  In Massachusetts, gas prices have crept up nearly a nickel a gallon over the past week.  Blame Obama!  Of course, prices are still down significantly copmpared to this time last year.  Thank Obama!

8. BANKRUPTCY PROTECTION

WHY IT'S TRENDING: San Bernardino, California, has filed for bankruptcy protection.  Interim Mayor Andrea Miller worries that the city will be unable to meet payroll over the next three months.  Meanwhile, Pat Morris, the Mayor of San Bernardino, "said the decision was the beginning of a 'difficult conversation about the city's budget and the city's future.'"

I would humbly suggest that, if San Bernardino is in such dire financial straits, having two mayors could be considered an unnecessary expense.

7. JENNIFER LOPEZ AMERICAN IDOL

WHY IT'S TRENDING: Well, duh! If a major pop icon like Jennifer Lopez has decided to abandon traditional religion and worship Ba'al or something, I would HOPE it would make the news!  Millions of girls look up to J-Lo, and if she's turned to idolatry?!?  Look, I am all for the First Amendment, and I believe everyone has the right to pursue the religion of his/her choice, but a public figure has a certain responsibility to. . .

What?

TV show?  She's leaving it?

Oh.

Never mind.

6. MISSING MILLIONAIRE CASE

WHY IT'S TRENDING: Millionaire Guma Aguiar of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, has been missing since June.  Now, GPS data suggest that Aguiar may have abandoned his ship, which floated back to shore unattended, and jumped onto another one.  Frankly, this all sounds like a plot point from an episode of "Dexter."  Do we know if Aguiar ever got away with murder on a technicality?

5. CHEVY BUY-BACK

WHY IT'S TRENDING: General Motors has announced a new program, wherein buyers of 2012 and 2013 model year Chevrolets can bring their cars back for a full refund if they are not completely satisfied.  GM is introducing this strategy in order to compete with a newly resurgent Toyota.  Additionally, GM is promoting a "No Haggling" pricing policy, incorporating deep discounts on new cars to allow people to circumvent the negotiating process, which many people find the most unpleasant part of the whole car-buying experience.  If these plans don't succeed in allowing GM to increase or maintain market share, the company may consider other strategies, like giving away a free llama with every purchase of a Chevy Malibu.

4. SIGOURNEY WEAVER

WHY SHE'S TRENDING: Sigourney Weaver stars in the new USA show, "Political Animals," which premieres tomorrow night.  In the show, Weaver plays the ex-wife of a philandering American President.  After running for office herself, Weaver's character accepts the post of Secretary of State.  But it's not about Hillary!  Personally, we're looking forward to episode 3, where Weaver travels to LV-426 on a diplomatic mission to meet with a group of aliens who have taken over a terraforming community.  In space, no one can hear you negotiate.

3. MICHELLE OBAMA THREAT

WHY IT'S TRENDING: A Washington, DC, policeman has been suspended for making a threat against First Lady Michelle Obama.  The officer, who has not been publicly identified, has worked on motorcycle details involving Washington political figures.  Some have suggested the policeman may simply have been joking.  In which case, he should certainly be fired for sheer stupidity.

2. GAY COUPLE'S PICTURE MISUSED

WHY IT'S TRENDING: Brian Edwards and Tom Privitere are a nice married couple from New Jersey.  A picture from their engagement party

was photoshopped and used by a rabid anti-gay group as part of a campaign to defeat a Colorado Republican politician who supports gay marriage.  The Southern Poverty Law Center has requested that the hate group, Virginia-based Public Advocate, remove the picture from its publications, and Edwards and Privitere are considering a lawsuit.  In fairness, though: Look at that picture!  If those guys aren't a threat to everything that is good and pure, I don't know what is!

And the number one trending topic is. . . .

1. MOM SUING JUSTIN BIEBER

WHY IT'S TRENDING: Stacey Wilson Betts took her five daughters to a Justin Bieber concert where the Oregon woman claims she suffered permanent hearing loss.  Just to clarify, Betts is not claiming that the music itself was too loud--in fairness, any Bieber song played at a level to allow human perception could be said to be "too loud."  Rather, Betts is claiming that Bieber himself was showing reckless disregard for her hearing (and perhaps sanity), when he exhorted the arena full of screaming "Beliebers" to scream even louder.  His specific offense? "[W]aving his arms in an upward motion while riding over them in a heart-shaped gondola."

I kind of feel like screaming myself.

First among Ladies

How do you think Michelle Obama feels? At this time last year, she was simply the wife of the man who (by that time) had not even clinched the Democratic nomination for the presidency. Now, she's the first lady. She seems to be handling the day to day stuff with aplomb. What's striking, though, is how she's become a de facto style icon. One can hardly log onto Yahoo! without getting an update on Mrs. O's wardrobe. Today the talk was on her hits and misses from her recent European trip. What did she wear?!? Was it chic? Tacky? Too revealing? Not revealing enough?

Has the press and the blogosphere stopped obsessing about the buffness of her arms yet?

The Solipsist is too young to have experienced it firsthand, but he wonders, Was this how people talked about Jackie Kennedy? And if so, what does this say about how far we've come? Let's face it, Jackie was a beautiful woman, and certainly intelligent and charming in her own right. But she was also, essentially, something of a prop. If she hadn't been married to John F. Kennedy, was she going to be some kind of high-powered career woman? Probably not.

Michelle Obama, on the other hand, is an accomplished lawyer in her own right. As, of course, was another much ballyhooed recent first lady. And it is this that makes one wonder how she is feeling. Is she happy to be seen as a fashion plate? Does she feel that she is being condescended to? Or is she just trying to maintain the distance of her image from that of the more controversial Hillary?

In splitting the difference between Mrs. K. and Mrs. C., will Mrs. O. create a new model for first ladies to come?