The Solipsist Reads the Paper (So You Don't Have To)

Buried in a report about the Nemocalypse battering the Northeast was this little tidbit: "Maine declared a partial emergency, allowing it to suspend federal transportation rules, extend worker hours and bring in extra crews from Canada to assist with storm damage repair."

Dear Maine, I know you're digging out from snowfalls of biblical proportions, but don't be snowblind to the dangers posed by "well-meaning" Canadians!  Once these subversive maple-suckers gain a toehold in American soil, there's no telling where they'll stop!  This time next year, we could all be sucking on Molsons and acting politely to each other!  I urge all my Maine readers to resist the Canadian surge.  And in case I have no Maine readers, I encourage my followers around the Northeast to form a human microphone (a la Occupy Wall Street) to scream this warning to our for-the-moment compatriots in the Lobster State (or whatever).

Of course, if the Canadians DO manage to infiltrate America, we may just be able to sic a few drones on 'em.  During confirmation hearings for John Brennan as CIA director, the nominee revealed that the Obama administration has discussed the feasibility of creating a special court (along the lines of the FISA court, which currently rules on the admissibility of wiretapping) that would hear arguments about whether an individual--particularly an American citizen--could be targeted for drone-strikes.

Personally, if I were a judge, you could not PAY me to sit on such a court! I would TOTALLY do it for free!  I mean, come on!  "How was your day, Dear?"  "Oh, not bad.  Had a few meetings.  Lunch with Roger.  Authorized death from above."  How cool would that be?

I probably wouldn't last long in the job, though.  I think the administration would grow tired of my compulsion to include on all my orders lines from the movie "300" or pseudo-Schwarzeneggerian sign-offs: "Hasta la vista, terrorists!  You have not a REMOTE chance of avoiding being DRONED und CRATERED!"

Another article profiles the teenager who unwittingly helped ignite the Syrian revolts that have so far left thousands dead and hundreds pf thousands displaced.  The teenager (whom the paper does not name, for obvious reasons) inspired rebellion when he was arrested and tortured for participating in the relatively innocuous "crime" of anti-regime graffiti: "He watched his cousin spray-paint the wall of a school in the city of Dara’a with a short, impish challenge to President Bashar al-Assad, a trained ophthalmologist, about the spreading national revolts.

“'It’s your turn, doctor,' the cousin wrote."

All I can say is, an opthalmologist AND a sadistic dictator?  SOMEBODY had quite the "Tiger Mom."

An increasingly popular app called Snapchat combines the availability of instantaneous chatting provided by Facebook and Twitter with the ephemerality of those dissolving cassettes at the beginning of every episode of "Mission: Impossible."  It seems that people--especially younger folks--are growing weary of having every youthful indiscretion stored indefinitely on the world's servers.  Snapchat messages and pictures automatically self-delete after a set period of time, encouraging people to express themselves more revealingly than they might do on a less transitory platform.  I think this is a great idea, and I am already developing the app that I think will be the logical successor to Snapchat: I call it, "Talking to People."

In New York, the Department of Homeless Services is paying landlords thousands of dollars to rent rooms that would normally go for a few hundred.  I would hereby like to officially offer up my spare bedroom (formerly known as SOS's room) for use by New York's Department of Homeless Services.

Finally, John Karlin, formerly of Bell Labs, has died.  Actually, he died on January 28.  I guess the Times delayed the announcement of Karlin's death to spare his family the crush of paparazzi that would otherwise have surely disrupted his funeral.

Who was John E. Karlin, you ask?  (Don't pretend you know!)  He was a pioneer in the field of industrial psychology, the study of the way that human beings interact on a psychological and emotional level with technology.  The study of the way people interact physically with technology is known as ergonomics--or Japanese pornography.

Anyway, we largely have Karlin to thank for the layout of the touch-tone phone and its many descendants.  Much time was spent deciding, for example, the appropriate size of the buttons, as well as their layout: lower numbers on top vs. lower numbers on bottom, that kind of thing.  All I can say is, I'm glad Karlin's team rejected the proposed "QWERTY" keypad (or, more accurately, "KWERTY"), which would have had the top row go 5-9-3 and placed the "star" key (which even then nobody had a use for) where the seven is today.  Rest in Peace, Mr. Karlin.  To hear a eulogy, please press the pound key or remain on the line.

The Lunatics Are on the Grass--Or, At Least, the Leaves

A medical facility that encourages smoking?!?  Have we somehow traveled to Backwards World, where Republicans care about poor people and randy salmon spawn downstream?  Surprisingly, no.  For, while frowned upon in most houses of healing, cigarettes have long provided solace to patients in psychiatric hospitals.  Cigarettes reward good behavior, provide incentives to comply with treatment, and often soothe the troubled minds of schizophrenics and other sufferers.

Now, however, anti-smoking activists and medical professionals have suggested that smoking in mental hospitals should go the way of smoking in. . .  well, everywhere.  What use treating the mind if the body will soon succumb to emphysema?  Fair enough, but when it comes to the issue of whether or not to provide cigaretees to schizophrenics, I have to say I'm of two minds about it.

Sorry.

Seriously, though, I'm no great fan of the tobacconist's art.  I've never smoked, and I derive no pleasure from the second-hand variety.  I applaud most campaigns to eliminate smoking in public places, and I certainly understand the desire among medical professionals to ban smoking at hospitals, if for no other reason than the prevalence of oxygen tanks.  At the same time, if one advocates (as I do) for the legalization of marijuana for medical reasons (I advocate full legalization, but that's another story)--if one feels people should alleviate their pain through whatever means available, as long as those means don't harm others--then how can I sanction the prohibition of smoking among those who actually do derive significant benefit from it?

Let these people smoke!

Off Today

Just one of those hectic days today.  I'll be back tomorrow.  For now, just trying to get upwind of the fan.

Strange Bedfellows

Netflix has come a long way since its red-envelope days.  Having invested heavily in the realm of streaming video, Netflix has begun to create original programming.  Their first effort, which premiered last week, is "House of Cards," a political drama starring Kevin Spacey.

"The West Wing" and, more recently, "Lincoln" have proven that parliamentary procedure can make for gripping entertainment, at least when written by the likes of Aaron Sorkin or Tony Kushner, and when starring such talents as Martin Sheen, Bradley Whitford, Daniel Day-Lewis, etc.  "House of Cards" continues the tradition.

Kevin Spacey, of course, is the main draw.  He plays Congressman Francis Underwood, a South Carolina Democrat and the majority whip (yes, in this universe, Democrats control the House of Representatives).  After the newly-elected President reneges on a campaign promise to appoint him Secretary of State, Underwood, aided by his wife Claire (Robin Wright) and an ambitious young reporter (Kate Mara) commences a plot to thwart the new administration.

Underwood is a character straight out of Tennessee Williams.  Alone among the cast, he breaks the fourth wall, addressing the audience in flowery monologues, explicating his Machiavellian plots.  How good an actor is Spacey?  Well, let me put it this way: I've seen many an actor cry on cue.  In an episode of "House of Cards" wherein Underwood suddenly finds himself on the defensive during a debate, Spacey--in extreme close-up--begins to sweat on cue, and not just, like, a trickle down the side of his face; rather, his entire face suddenly glistens as he stumbles over his prepared remarks.

Another member of the cast worth mentioning is Corey Stoll, who plays Pennsylvania Congressman Peter Russo.  Russo is an pportunistic, weak-willed, womanizing alcoholic and drug addict--and yet, for some reason I can't quite put my finger on, he's downright likable.  Probably because, while we find ourselves in awe of Underwood's silky-smooth operations, the flawed Russo is someone we can actually identify with.

Tuesday Night Miscellany

Saw a headline on Yahoo!: "Oldest crabs found."  Surprisingly enough, the corresponding story had nothing to do with Keith Richards.

What Could POSSIBLY Go Wrong?

Sometimes the blogging Gods just smile down on you at the right moment.  Here I was, tired, uninspired, about to toss up my hands and beg forgiveness for yet another missed night, when I logged onto Facebook and saw a friend's post about this: Bangwithfriends.com.

The site, from what I can tell (because I assure you I am FAR too chicken actually to click on the link), combines the anonymous hook-up possibilities of Craigslist with the safe coziness of your Facebook friends list. You can (again, as far as I can tell--total chicken here) sign up for this, uh, service through your Facebook account and then, if your friends also sign up, you will be somehow informed of their desire--not necessarily for YOU, I suppose, but just for a no-strings (if there is such a thing) encounter.

I honestly don't know whether to be appalled or impressed.  In a way, it's ingenious--until you start to ponder the ramifications.  I mean, first of all, there's the aforementioned non-guarantee of mutual attraction.  Imagine the awkwardness of finding a friend on this site, contacting him/her, only to be told thanks, but no thanks.  The last thing a guy needs to hear is that a girl "loves him as a Facebook friend." 

I suppose many, if not most, people have one or two exes on a friends' list.  I guess that could be slightly less awkward although potentially more damaging to a delicate psyche.

But, for me, here's the most potentially terrifying aspect of Bangwithfriends.  I don't know (Remember: Chicken!) whether this site allows you to specify people you DON'T want to hear from.  How many of us, for example, have cousins, siblings, and/or God-help-us PARENTS on our friends' list?  Some of my relatives are very attractive people, but still. I. Don't. Want. To. Know.  (And I'm sure they feel the same.)

Call me a traditionalist, but I think random sexual encounters with friends should happen the old-fashioned way: drunken hook-ups in a supply closet at the office Christmas party.  Just call me a romantic.

Just Another Day at Solipsist Central--Super Bowl Edition

WOS: Do you have work to do today?

SOL: A little.  I want to get it done soon.  It is Super Bowl Sunday, you know.

WOS: Oh, really?  Cool!

SOL: "Cool"?  Do you even know who's playing?

WOS: Yes! Yes, I do, Mr. Smartass.  The 49'ers and. . . uh. . . Wait, I know this. . . . Um. . .  (SOL begins flapping his arms.)  Um. . . Hm.

SOL: (Still flapping arms) SCRA-AAA-AAA-AWK!

WOS: The Chickens?

SOL: The Chi--  SCRA-AAA-AAA-AWK!!!!

WOS: The Roosters?!?

SOL: (Making a menacing face as he flaps his arms) SCRAA-AAAAAAAAAA-AWWWWWK!!! SCRAAA-AAAAAAAAA-AWWWWK!!!!

WOS: Um. . .The. . . Hawks?

SOL: (Croaking) NE-VER-MOOOORRRE!

WOS: The. . .Crows?

SOL: WHAT?!?

WOS: Oh, I mean, the Ravens!

SOL: "Quoth the CROW, 'Nevermore'"?!?

WOS: Shut up! Leave me alone! I just woke up!  Just for that, we're watching the Puppy Bowl on the bigscreen! You can go watch the game in your mancave!

SOL: (Muttering) Yeah, like that wasn't going to happen anyway.

WOS: What?

SOL: Nothing.

**************************
I don't really have a dog in this year's fight.  I live in the Bay Area, so I guess I'm nominally rooting for the 49'ers.  If I had to bet, though, I think I might actually go with Baltimore.  Here's the interesting thing, though: In a game featuring San Francisco and Baltimore, if you had to guess which team has gotten tons of press for recent anti-gay sentiment, and which has become known for its players' support of gay rights and marriage equality. . .  Well, let's just say, you'd be wrong.

Still, go Niners.