Just Another Day at Solipsist Central

WOS: I'm kind of pissed off at you right now!  If you don't apologize, I'll. . .I'll. . . I WON'T PLANT THE GARDEN IN THE BACK YARD!

SOL: Uh. . . .

WOS: And I'm not going to clean up the food processor.

SOL: Whoa.  Not that.

WOS: And I won't do anything around the house!  Except feed the animals.  And maybe make breakfast.

SOL: I'm . . .sorry?

Meet the Keplers

In case you missed it: NASA's Kepler spacecraft has discovered two planets orbiting a distant star that might conceivably be habitable.  To be clear: No one is claiming actually to have discovered extraterrestrial life.  But two planets of an appropriate size and distance from their sun to conceivably host conditions amenable to Life As We Know It have been identified.

Named Kepler 62e and Kepler 62f, the planets have proven that NASA scientists suck at naming things.  The Keplers are about 1200 light years from earth, which means that, for all we know, the planets crashed into each other a thousand years ago.  I'm just saying, call ahead before you make the trip.

Also, the planets are both slightly larger than Earth.  This doesn't make them unlivable, but if you go there, you are likely to feel fat.  This made me wonder about all those "Star Trek" episodes.  I "get" that there is a universal translator, which explains why every green-skinned beauty understands Captain Kirk's English come-ons.  I accept that all "M-class" planets have breathable atmosphere.  But does EVERY planet have the same mass?!?  'Cause you never hear the away teams kvetching about feeling leaden, or see them skipping blithely about as if lighter than air (well, Sulu maybe, but that could be for any number of reasons).

Yo, Grammar, Why You Gotta Be Like That?

This is a SIMPLE sentence:

The lack of sufficient studying and preparation on the part of Johnny led directly to his failure on the exam.

This is a COMPLEX sentence:

Johnny failed the exam because he didn't study enough.

This is why people hate grammar.

Great Moments in Questionable Editing

An article in today's New York Times discusses an FBI raid at a prestigious art gallery in Manhattan.  According to the article, the Helly Nahmad Gallery has been located at the Carlyle Hotel "since at least the late 1990's."

Now, I'm certainly no expert on the whole art scene thing, but it would seem to me that an art gallery--especially a prestigious one owned by a billionaire family in the middle of Manhattan--is not some sort of strange particle winking in and out of existence in a manner understood only by quantum physicists.  Furthermore, "the late 1990's," while longer ago than I would care to admit, is not exactly antiquity.  I suspect records from that epoch may be accessible to an intrepid researcher--or even to an unpaid intern with access to Google.  My point is, neither the reporter nor the editor could be bothered to ascertain the precise year (if not the month and date) that the Nahmad Gallery set up shop in the Carlyle?

I know we're all shaken up by what went down in Boston, but come on people!  If you're going to report stories in this slipshod a manner, then the terrorists have already won!

All in the Timing

Everyone is a near miss.  Some nearer than others.

"As Melissa Fryback, 42, was heading into the home stretch, she realized she was on pace for one of her best times ever. She steeled herself for the last three miles and finished in 3 hours 44 minutes. She met up with her boyfriend, and the two had made it about two blocks from the finish line when they heard the blasts. . . .

“'I can’t help but wonder that if I hadn’t pushed like that, it could have been me,' she said."

"War Zone at Mile 26: ‘So Many People Without Legs’"

Comments from just two of the 25,000 or so people who took part in yesterday's Boston Marathon. 

FORTUNE
Runner 18493 can't believe it.  Of all the days to run her personal best!  The Marathon! In 3:44!  And then, what happened at the end.  She can't believe it.  If she had run her normal pace. . . . She can scarcely bear to think about it.  Fortune.  But not just fortune, really, when you think about it.  She earned it.  She ran her best time.  This was not dumb luck.  This was virtue rewarded: a gift from the Gods in recognition of her hard work.  Of course, she would never say this publicly, such sentiments being inappropriate in light of. . . everything.  But still, if she does--privately--view her unscathed escape as some karmic blessing. . . well certainly no one ould blame her?

IRONY
Runner 21006 can't believe it.  Of all the days to run her personal best.  The Marathon!  Sure, she started way back in the pack, but here she is, approaching the finish in three hours and forty-four minutes!  All her training, all her hard work, rewarded.  She can see the finish line up ahead, hear the cheers of the crowd.  She smiles and glances at her watch: 2:50. Not bad.

Feel better, Boston.

Nothing profound to add at this early moment.  Bracing for the inevitable back and forth accusations and conspiracy theories.  Should be "fun."

Annnnnnd, We're Back

Any psychiatrist will tell you that moving is among the most stressful experiences a person can go through, right up there with death or divorce.  But psychiatrists will tell you anything. If you pay him enough, I imagine a psychiatrist would tell you that Canberra is the capital of Australia, or any other farcical thing.

What?  It is?  Really?!?  So why did I pay that psychiatrist. . . ?  Where was I?

Anyway, having already gone through one move and too many divorces to keep track of--I suspect I may mean that the other way around, but it's been a long couple of days--I can say that I look forward to death as probably the least stressful experience of the three.  Still, as unpleasant as the moving experience is--or as moving as the stressful experience is--there is definitely something pleasant about the completion of the process, especially when the place you move to represents an improvement over the place you moved from.  Such is certainly the case with the relocation of Solipsist Central.

The new headquarters features more space, quieter surroundings, and a view of the bay.  I've no doubt this will lead to tremendous improvements in the overall Solipsistic experience.  After all, there is nothing like water to inspire creativity.  Just ask Herman Melville.  Don't expect an answer: The man's been dead for 150 years, but ask him anyway.  Yes, the fresh ocean air will lead to tremendous literary feats: Expect greatness!  I will give you the Moby-Dick of the blogosphere.  Except, y'know, not quite so much about penguins.