Can I Sell Pay-Per-View Tickets to Michael Sam Vs. Richie Incognito?

Reading the ongoing coverage of the scandal in the Miami Dolphins locker room, I find myself struggling to maintain a politically correct attitude.  For those of you unfamiliar with the situation, you really need to read the papers more.  But here's what happened:

Last October, Jonathan Martin, an offensive tackle for the Dolphins, abruptly left the team, claiming that ongoing taunting by his teammates, chief among them Richie Incognito, had become intolerable. Incognito was subsequently suspended indefinitely from the team, and, when Martin's accusations went public, a spate of handwringing about the bullying, homophobic culture in NFL locker rooms ensued. Yesterday, a report commissioned by the NFL described the situation as a "classic case of bullying."

Now, let me stipulate: From everything I have read and seen, it seems Richie Incognito is a class-A schmuck, an asshole of epic proportions, and someone who could benefit from nothing so much as a swift punch to the face.  That being said, am I alone in wishing that, rather than leaving the team, Jonathan Martin had administered said swift punch?

And while Incognito and others certainly are bullies, I'm not completely convinced that Martin was bullied.  Because, look: What do people say to bullies when trying to get them to change their obnoxious ways: "Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"  Well, when it comes to Richie Incognito and Jonathan Martin, that is exactly what Incognito did!  Jonathan Martin, for all his apparent sensitivity, was hardly defenseless: He was no 98-pound weakling--much less a place-kicker!  He was, in fact, quite literally the same size as his tormentor: 6'5" and 312 pounds, compared to Incognito's 6'3 and 319.  If Martin had, in response to Incognito's torments, reared back and clocked Incognito, does anyone doubt that the bullying would very likely have stopped?  Moreover, the bullying of other people in the locker room, including an assistant trainer who was certainly less able to defend himself than Martin, might have diminished as well.

Should someone have to put up with incessant taunting at one's workplace?  No.  But Jonathan Martin chose to accept a generous salary to play a sport that is inherently violent and filled with players not exactly known for their emotional maturity.  I don't excuse Richie Incognito's behavior, and I think it would be great if NFL locker rooms were less hostile places to work.  But in addition to sensitivity training for the more Neanderthal members of the NFL family, a great way for the culture to change would be for everybody to remember the standard advice--or at least what used to be the standard advice--about dealing with bullies: If you stand up to a bully, he will often back down.

And if Michael Sam--the NFL prospect who just came out as gay--finds himself in a locker room with Richie Incognito, is there anyone who thinks Sam will back down or leave the team in the face of homophobic taunts?

Zoo Story

Everybody's ganging up on the Copenhagen Zoo!  It's not fair, really.  Just because zoo officials butchered an adorable giraffe named Marius and fed him to the lions--I mean, is that any reason to get all indignant?  Be honest: Who hasn't wanted to kill a giraffe?  Or, for that matter, who hasn't watched Les Miserables and wanted to kill someone named Marius?  And it's not like the zoo had much choice: As they explained, Marius, while perfectly healthy, shared too many genetic attributes with his fellow zoo-mates, so the only way for the zoo to prevent potentially harmful inbreeding was to blow the poor fellow's brains out with a bolt gun!  What else could they do?!?

Well, OK, the COULD have given him to one of the other zoos that offered to take him in. . . . Or, I suppose they could have just neutered him. . . . Or just kept him separated from the other giraffes if it came to that. . . . So, yes, they could have done all kinds of things other than kill him.  But where would be the fun in that?

Because, let's face it, people basically go to zoos for the same reason they go to NASCAR races: the potential for bloodshed.  Who hasn't stood at the railing of, say, the polar bear exhibit, just waiting for an unwary seal to wander into the enclosure?  Who hasn't wished to see the Bengal tiger go to town in the lemur habitat?  Not me, that's for sure.

Indeed, I think Copenhagen might be on to something: The notion of a petting zoo is, let's face it, hopelessly passé.  But a killing zoo? I'm thinking there could be a giant roulette wheel at the front entrance, with all the resident animals on it.  Every morning, I spin of the wheel would determine that day's victim--uh, featured performer.  Today an eland, tomorrow a hippo, and the day after that, a giant sloth!  And why should the zookeepers have all the fun?  Visitors could get in on the action for a small extra charge.  How much would you pay to drop a toaster into the dolphin tank?  Or play Whac-a-Mole with actual moles?!?

So kudos to the Copenhagen Zoo for showing us all the future in zoological entrepreneurship!  And on behalf of the psychoanalytic industry, may I also thank the zoo for the uptick in revenue that will no doubt occur from all those children seeking therapy after watching Marius' demise!