Seasons Greetings

As a non-practicing member of the Jewish faith, I have never had particularly strong feelings one way or the other about Christmas.  I've always appreciated the festive mood that comes over people--particularly when I lived in New York, and the city seemed to unwind slightly from its normal state of aggravated frenzy.  But ultimately Christmas is just another day to hang out and, perhaps, enjoy a movie and Chinese food.

Today, in a change of pace, I'm gorging on basketball.  Five--count 'em, FIVE--games, back to back to back to back.  Uh, to back.  As I watch, I also find myself thinking about my stepfather.  He passed away several years ago, but I can't help but think how much he would have enjoyed this.  He was a huge basketball fan, and, though he would no doubt have been pained by the lackluster performance of the local New York teams, such a glut of games would have seemed like quite the Festivus miracle.

Anyway, however you are all celebrating your holiday--whether "holy" or not--I hope you're having a good time.  Happy holidays, everyone!

Just Another Day at Solipsist Central (Workplace Edition)

COLLEAGE OF SOLIPSIST: I hate the Elf on the Shelf.

SOLIPSIST: What exactly is the Elf on the Shelf?

COS: Well, he's an Elf. . .  and you put him. . .

SOL: . . .On the shelf. I got that part.  I mean, what's his. .  . purpose?  His mission?  His raison d'Elf?

COS: He just kind of sits on the shelf and keeps an eye on the tree. . . .Makes sure the children aren't being naughty.

SOL: He's a narc.

COS: Basically.

SOL: So this is some Christian thing.

COS: Right.

SOL: Is there a Channukah Elf on the Shelf?

COS: I don't know.

SOL: "The Menorah in the Corna," maybe?

COS: Doesn't really rhyme. . . .Plus, a menorah doesn't narc on anyone.  A menorah just. . . .is.

SOL: Right.  "The Jew in the Loo"?  Too British.  "The Yid in the Frid. . .ge"?

COS: That's awful.

SOL: Yeah. . . . Oh!  "The Maccabee in the Back-Cubby"!

COS: What's a back cubby?

SOL: Like, if you have a couple of cubbies in your house?  And. . . And. . .And one's in the front of the house. . . And. . .uh. . . one's in the, uh. . . the back?

COS: I think you need to keep working on this one.

SOL: I will.

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UPDATE:

Saturday Miscellany

WOS's Words of Wisdom:

"Do you talk like this in public, or is it just for my displeasure?"

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Did you know that today is National Drink Beer Day?  Did you know that not every day is National Drink Beer Day?

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The new season of "Masterchef" is a "Junior" edition: The competitors are children between the ages of 8 and 13.  I don't think it works too well: Part of the appeal of these shows is watching Gordon Ramsay go berserk on people who disappoint him, and somehow, I don't think the producers will give him the leeway to call a nine-year-old girl a donkey-fucking piece of owl-shite.

In Case You Missed It

I just found out that today was "Positive Thinking Day."  I suppose it would have been more useful to know this earlier, as I've already spent the entire day exuding a miasma of ill-will and sarcasm.

"But Solipsist, if today is Positive Thinking Day, then when can we celebrate our inner pessimist?"

Ah, that would be "Negative Thoughtsmas."

"And when is Negative Thoughtsmas?"

Oh, my child, every day is Negative Thoughtsmas.

Happy Fourth

At the risk of sounding unpatriotic, or attracting unwanted attention from the NSA agents who are undoubtedly monitoring this blog, I must admit that the Fourth of July has never meant all that much to me.  As a lifelong academic, for whom summers have largely been "work optional," I don't even necessarily get the standard excitement one would associate with an extra day off.  Still, I suppose I should take a moment to express some gratitude for the fact that I live in a free country with a functioning, democratically elected government, and where said government doesn't arbitrarily monitor or detain its citizens.

Well, close enough.

Worst Case Scenario, I Find Out How My Car Looks Covered in Toilet Paper

People assure me that Trick-or-Treaters still exist.  I don't believe it myself.  Every year, in the late afternoon of October 31, I smack myself in the head and rush to the supermarket to stock up on dispensable candy.  (As opposed to the late afternoon of every other day, when I simply smack myself in the head.)  And every November 1 for about the last decade or so, I stare at a mountain of undispensed candy.  Of course, I have no doubt that the one year I decide not to bother will be the year the Trick-or-Treaters return.  I will then improvise: Loose change! Post-it notes! Individually-wrapped slices of American cheese!

One time, I did forget about Halloween.  Sure enough, three adorable princesses knocked on the door.  I had a tin of cookies.  Luckily, the princesses were distracted by my adorable kitty cat, and so begrudgingly accepted the stale baked goods.  Actually, in a pinch, I guess I could just distribute cats.

Indignation!

So, let me get this straight: Last Saturday was Armed Forces Day (the culmination of Armed Forces Week!); today is Memorial Day; then, in November we have Veterans' Day.  Plus, we're supposed to "think of the troops" on days like Thanksgiving and the 4th of July and. . .and.. . .and. . .I don't know, Arbor Day.

I just have one question: Who do these guys think they are?!?

They get three official holidays and a whole week.  And what do I get?  NOTHING!  When, I ask you, when is National Solipsist Day?!?  Because if these guys get a whole set of days for--what, exactly?  Serving their country?  Risking their lives?--then I should certainly get a day--a month!--for the services that I provide.  I mean, seriously, I--

WOS: OK, I'm going to have to cut you off now.

SOL: But I wasn't fini--

WOS: Yes, you were.  Hand over the laptop.

SOL:  But--

WOS: Now!

SOL: Too soon?

WOS: Shut up.  Happy Memorial Day, everyone.  Thanks to all those who serve. 

Monday Miscellany

Did you know that April is "National Distracted Driving Awareness Month"?  It is!  And when I heard about this on the radio while I was driving to work, it startled me so much that I crashed into a bus.

KHAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!! 2

Today, according to FOS, we celebrate "Talk Like Captain Kirk" Day.  I. . . .would TRY. . . .towritetoday'spost. . . . in the STYLE. . . of. . . WilliamShatner'sspeech.  I'm afraid, though, that all the unnecessarily long and random pauses would drag this thing out to next Wednesday.  And I would hate to interfere with "Something on a Stick" Day.

Now, Spock. . . ?

Thursday Trendwatch--Saturday Edition

When I was a yeshiva boy, we always bought HANUKKAH CANDLES (10) through my school.  The boxes contained the exact number of candles needed for the eight-night holiday.  On the first night of Hanukkah, observant Jews--as well as others who simply like to look at shiny things--light two candles, and each subsequent evening calls for the addition of one candle.  Those members of Solipsist Nation preparing for the SATs can figure out the total number of candles for themselves.  For the benefit of those of you NOT interested in math, we will forego commentary on TAX PLANNING (9) and OIL PRICES (8).

We hope this will not lead to accusations of APPEASEMENT (7), of which one Yahoo! contributor has accused President Obama.  Apparently, this commentator feels that Obama's withdrawal from Iraq and his coddling (?) of Iran constitute Chamberlainian acts of weakness.  Granted, we haven't started bombing Iran--yet, but I hardly see how the establishment of sanctions on Iran--to say nothing of Syria and Libya--and the killing of various terrorist leaders around the world, including a guy named bin Laden, constitute appeasement.  This writer keeps using that word, though; I do not think it means what he thinks it means. . . .

Okay, ladies, ASHTON KUTCHER (6) has turned down an invitation to spend New Year's Eve with Lea Michele, his co-star in "New Year's Eve."  No doubt he has heard about the unfortunate incidents that occurred way back when Jamie Lee Curtis accepted an invitation to spend Halloween with her "Halloween" co-star, Donald Pleasance.  Meanwhile, Rainey Qualley (Rainey Qualley?), the daugher of ANDIE MACDOWELL (5), has been named "Miss Golden Globe" for 2012.  I have no idea what this means, but I suspect this is an honor slightly greater than winning a Golden Globe.

According to Miss Manners, you must take several things into account when juggling numerous HOLIDAY INVITATIONS (4).  While it is all right to accept multiple invitations, one must strive to remain at each stop for a certain "minimum" time: about 45 minutes for drinks but for the entire meal at a dinner party.  (I wonder if Ashton Kutcher consulted the etiquette expert before publicly refusing an invitation fro,m his RomCom co-star?)

Speaking of etiquette, how long does propriety require one to wait after a divorce before diving back into the dating pool?  I ask on behalf of KRIS HUMPHRIES (3).  I have no inside information on whether the basketball "star" and former Mr. Kardashian has started seeing anyone.  But I am concerned that, if he starts dating too soon, it could call into question the sincerity of his marriage, and I would hate to see the sanctity of this romance for the ages besmirched by any premature gallivanting on the part of Humphries.

If he IS back on the dating market, maybe the newly single "Glee" star DIANNA AGRON (2) would be interested.  Then she could totally screw with Lea Michele: "Ha, ha!  I'm dating Kris Humphries and you got dissed by Kut-cher!  Neener, neener, billy goat!"

I'm pretty sure that's what she would say.

Finally, ELLIE KEMPER (1), of "The Office" is engaged to a former writer for Conan O'Brien.

Since I've only watched up to, like, season 5 of "The Office," I'm not exactly sure who Ms. Kemper is, but I wish her the best.  I wonder if she'll invite Ashton Kutcher to the wedding.

Thursday Trendwatch

Proving that fake fire alarms are comedy gold, NBC Nightly News anchor BRIAN WILLIAMS (10) interrupted "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" with a mock alarm.  Williams was responding to Stewart's mockery of Williams' handling of a false (but admittedly annoying) alarm that went off during NBC's news broadcast earlier in the week.  Just remember, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. . . or dies horribly in a fire that first responders couldn't reach because they were too busy responding to false alarms.

OK, that could be funny, too.

Speaking of funny, today is World AIDS Day.  (I checked my mailbox, by the way: Your cards and presents must still be in transit.  Just sayin'.)  Actually, some good news has come out of the front, as AIDS RESEARCH (9) has made great strides.  Now, instead of being an instant death sentence, AIDS has in many parts of the world become something like a manageable chronic illness like diabetes or halitosis.  New research also indicates that effective treatment also greatly reduces transmission.

Obviously, any hint that the scourge of AIDS may largely fade is great news.  My only concern is, What horrific disease is going to rear its head next?  Ebola?  Marburg Virus?  Mega-halitosis?  Stay tuned.

Up next in the trendwatch, HANUKKAH CANDLES (8).  Or, if you prefer the variant spelling: Hanukkah Kandels.  There's no particularly story here, other than the fact that the candles are on sale (insert your own mercantilistic Jew jokes here).  Still, since no one knows exactly when Hanukkah STARTS, it's probably a good idea to get your candles now.  And, of course, to get a jump on sending those gifts, cards, gelt, to your favorite blogger.  Or, better yet, to me: Fuck Huffington!

To go back to World AIDS Day for a moment, one of the big events is the premiere of a documentary about children living with the disease: "Keep a Child Alive with ALICIA KEYS" (7).  No word on whether the children were give a choice in the matter.

Well, look who's imitating the Solipsist, now: Yahoo!  See, we do our weekly capsule of Yahoo's trendwatch, and now Yahoo! horns in on our action by putting together its own YEAR IN REVIEW (6), or, as we call it here at the Solipsist: Plagiarism!  I mean, they're just trying to crush the little guy by putting together a sort of Meta-Trendwatch of the whole year!  I could do that.  I WILL do that.  Start sending in your suggestions for what we should include in our own Solipsistic year-end recap.  Suggestions will be ignored in the order received.

In a sign on blatant anti-Semitism, ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREES (5) sneak onto the trendlist three spots AHEAD of (REAL) Hanukkah candles.  Time to boycott!

And speaking of boycotts, KHLOE KARDASHIAN (4) has apparently not been boycotted off of TV yet, but she IS "counting down" to the birth of her sister Kourtney's new baby.  I guess this falls under the category of "newsworthy" because it suggests that Khloe possesses the ability to count.

 

KATHERINE HEIGL (3) is a castrating bitch!  Seriously!  Well, I don't know about the "bitch" part, but she's seriously into castration.  Of dogs, that is.  She's taken her talents to IHateBalls.com to promote the spaying and neutering of pets.

Just to be on the safe side, though, I'm officially crossing her off my list of fantasy-worthy celebrities: Everybody else moves up a notch (good news for Hillary Clinton).

Disgraced former Illinois Governor (Yeah, I know: Redundant) ROD BLAGOJEVICH (2) may get 15 to 20 years in prison for his role in a scheme to "sell" the senate seat of President Obama.  Prosecutors have actually offered Blago a choice: 20 years in prison or 20 minutes alone in a room with Katherine Heigl. . .and a pair of pruning shears.





The top item on this week's trendwatch is confusing: It's about SARA GILBERT (1), formerly of "Roseanne."  The article claims she has a new girlfriend.  I can only assume they meant "boyfriend."  I mean, Sara Gilbert's a WOMAN.  Isn't she?  I'll have to look into this.

Monday Miscellany

Physician Heal Thyself--No, Really, HEAL THYSELF!

Dr. Ralph Steinman last week received the Nobel Prize in medicine for his ground-breaking work in immunology.

"But Dr. Steinman would never see the message nor learn of the prize. He died of pancreatic cancer on Friday, three days before the phone call from the Nobel committee. He had been battling the highly deadly disease for four years, using a treatment he devised to try to prolong his life, essentially turning his body into an extension of his research."

So basically he won the Nobel Prize for failing miserably.

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Are You Ready for Some Treason?

Hank Williams, Jr., was fired from his gig as America's official football-readier for his comments on Fox about President Obama.  The specific comment that got everyone all fired up was when he compared Obama's playing gold with House Speaker John Boehner to "Hitler playing gold with Netanyahu."  While obnoxious, this was not the worst comment that Williams made; after all, one could argue that Williams' comments were ambiguous: Perhaps Boehner was Hitler in the equation.

Far more serious, though, was the fact that Williams went on to state that Obama and Biden were "the enemy."  Think about that: Here is an American--a famous American--declaring on national television that the President--HIS President--is "the enemy."

Now, I hated George W. Bush, and I hated Dick Cheney--scratch that, I STILL hate Bush and Cheney.  But I would not go on record declaring myself their "enemy." Certainly if I were a public figure, I would not declare to a national audience, some of whom have a (pathetically misplaced) allegiance to me, that these men are "the" enemy.

When the next Jared Loughner guns down the next Gabrielle Giffords, let's hear Fox News again distance themselves from responsibility.

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A Rose by Any Other Name Is Still a Day Off from Work

It's an American tradition to rename holidays when the initial impetus for their celebration goes out of fashion.  Thus, Armistice Day became Veteran's Day when peace became gauche.  Decoration Day becaome Memorial Day around the time wallpaper went out of style.  And of course National Kitten-Drowning Day became Christmas.  Isn't it about time Columbus Day became National Immigration Day.  Or at least, National Celebration-of-Empire Day?

Of course, it's harder to change the name of a holiday named after a person, even when sordid truths about the honoree come to light.  OK, St. Patrick was a drunk, MLK liked the ladies, and George Washington was a cannibal.  It's just too hard to push those changes through.

Brief Post

We're a bit pressed for time today, so we'll just wish everybody a happy Cinco de Mayo. Like most Americans, we have no idea what Cinco de Mayo is all about. Maybe Spanish people just really like the number "5." At any rate, enjoy the day. And have a nice Seis de Mayo, too.

Why Can't We Not Be Friends?

As Lady Macbeth did not say, "Come, you spirits / That tend on mortal thoughts! Unfriend me here." If she had, though, today the spirits would have had the opportunity.

Today was National Unfriend Day. Talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel proclaimed today a day for people across the Facebook universe to declutter their lives by removing from their friends lists all but one's actual friends. In other words, if you don't know someone in real life, you have no reason to keep them around your virtual life.

A new holiday that celebrates misanthropy! We love it!

We think this needs to cross into meatspace. Think about it! No more messy breakups, no more awkward partings. Every November 17 from now on should provide people the opportunity to make a clean, no-muss no-fuss break with. . .whomever!

"Sweetheart, it's neither you nor me: It's just an unfriending."

"Listen, Phil. You're not being fired--just unfriended."

"Mom, it's been a great 37 years, but it's just not working for me anymore."

We'll see you tomorrow, folks: National Refriending Day.

(Image from Enterakt)

A Very Solipsist Thanksgiving

In college, the Solipsist took an Intro. to Political Science class. The professor was an eastern European who sounded like he had just escaped the gulag. A true Marxist, though, he periodically excoriated the American political system. At least we think it was excoriation: "Dem-oh-cracy," he once pronounced, "ees a ketch-24." !

By way of wishing the class a happy Thanksgiving, he launched into a speech inveighing (predictably) against American (well, really British, we suppose, but why quibble) colonialism. He segued into his blatant despair at the thought of the impending holiday, and wrapped it all up with, "You know, what I tink of, when I tink of Thenksgiving? I don't tink of femily and friends. I don't tink of being thenkful. No! I tink of 40 million tor-keys that are going to be slaughtered!"

We think this was the moment when we got over any lingering, politically correct holiday guilt we may have ever felt.

Now, those of you who know the Solipsist--and/or those of you who have faithfully read this blog over the last year--have probably grokked that sentimentality is not our strong suit. We're not going to sit here and spew warm fuzzies about spending time with the family and sharing thankfulness for all that we've received. Bleah!

But we're also a little turned off by all the self-righteous posing of people who lament the holiday because of what "we" did to the Native Americans. Yes, what happened to the Native Americans was pretty awful, but here's the thing: "We" didn't do it. (And if "you" did, congratulations on celebrating your 450th birthday.)

Are you objecting? Are you waving your finger in the air and telling us that we must not forget? We must study history and respect the cultures that are lost? Sure. That's what school is for. This is a holiday.

"A holiday," you snap back, "that celebrates genocide!"

Well, no. No, it isn't. Because these days Thanksgiving is no more about the pilgrims than Christmas is about the birth of Christ. If you insist that it's "about" anything, Thanksgiving is "about" getting together with your family and/or friends, having a nice meal, and taking a moment off to, y'know, be thankful for something. If it makes you feel better, you can be thankful that you weren't an aboriginal American on the shores of Massachusetts in 1621. And if you insist on lambasting "America" for what it did to the "Indians," put your money where your mouth is: Send a donation in to the Native American Heritage Association or some other charity. Otherwise, shut up and eat your turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Happy Halloween

"The Saudi authorities, fearing that the hajj could turn their holy city into a petri dish for viral mutations and a hub for spreading a new pandemic wave around the world. . . . have asked some worshipers, including pregnant women and the elderly, not to make the trip" ("Saudis Try to Head Off Swine Flu Fears Before Hajj")

As Edward G. Robinson might growl, "Ehhhh. . . . Where's your Muhammad now?"

Seriously, isn't there something more than a little ironic about the idea of people being exposed to highly infectious diseases through the exercise of their devotion to God?

We're not picking on Muslims, by the way. As you may have ascertained from previous posts, we have issues with pretty much all organized religions, especially when their essential messages of peace and love inevitably get co-opted by their more violent fringe elements. But this latest news from Saudi Arabia gets at the heart of what must be the central question to all religious leaders: Why do bad things happen to good people?

The question of evil is at the heart of many an argument against God. If God is omniscient, omnipotent, and benevolent, then why does He allow evil to exist and occasionally triumph. The theological response generally involves some reference to free will. Fair enough, but how does that argument account for devout worshippers falling ill (with a presumably God-created virus) while completing an obligation laid upon them by that same God? Shouldn't He confer upon them some immunity?

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On the lighter side of the news, we were tickled by an article on the attempts by school districts across the country to make Halloween less scary. ("Drop the Halloween Mask! It Might Scare Someone") Basically, at various school districts, Halloween prohibitions have been extended from the perhaps understandable ones against toy guns, knives, or other weaponry, to anything that might be considered "scary," including such time-honored costumes as vampires, zombies, and Smurfs.

OK, we made up the bit about Smurfs, but WE find them scary--or at least downright creepy.

Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!

(Image from yourfunplace.com)

And isn't that the problem? Isn't scary subjective? Just as children need to be taught to hate, don't they also need to be taught that a leather-faced, chainsaw-wielding man in a butcher's apron is something to be afraid of? Where adults see Jason Voorhees, might not a child just see a hockey player? Pity the poor tween who simply wants to dress as a goalie: Sorry, kid, you can be a forward or a defenseman, but that's it! And put away that stick!

Hallowhen (A Brief Post)

It's become a cliche to complain about ever-earlier Thanksgiving and Christmas displays. We're no longer shocked to see Rudolph lighting fireworks, and soon no doubt turkeys will compete with rabbits for Easter symbolism (at least then the eggs will make more sense). But we fear that these premature exhibitions of holiday spirit are starting to cause confusion among celebrants of lesser holidays.

Today, as a quick glance up will show you, is October 29th. By our reckoning, that is still two days before Halloween. Why, then, is our campus overrun by costumed hooligans? We nearly bumped into a hockey-masked serial killer on our way to class.

(Digression: While it was somewhat adorable, we found it thoroughly discordant to have Jason Voorhees apologize for nearly knocking us over. EOD.)

The entire math faculty went a bit loopy and dressed as clowns (which they assure us is NOT their everyday garb). And all manner of witches, zombies, and Spidermen made their way around the quad throughout the afternoon.

Now, you might argue that these folks were simply bringing some holiday spirit to their school TODAY because the actual holiday falls on a weekend. Fair enough, except we would point out that today is THURSDAY. Why not wear costumes tomorrow? Or is Halloween now a multi-day festivity like Hannukah or Ramadan?

(Digression: If the Solipsist gets jihaded, we expect Sloppists to avenge our death. EOD.)

Is 29 the new 31?

We hope not. That would make 40 something like the new 45. And that's a Halloween horror we don't even want to think about!