I'll Drink to This

I have seen the future of beverage dispensing, and it lives in a chicken joint.

Wing-Stop is a fast food chain here in northern California (and perhaps elsewhere, but why would I care about that?) that specialized in chicken wings.  And, maybe, stopping.  Buffalo wings!  Boneless wings!  Meatless wings!  You name it, they got it.  They also feature a variety of sauces and seriously yummy French fries (they're kind of sweet and salty at the same time).  But their latest feature has blown my mind.

When I ordered a soda, I was handed a cup and pointed toward the "fountain."  Instead of the familiar big box with a series of nozzles, I stood face-to-face with a refrigerator-sized behemoth with a single nozzle and a touch-screen.  The screen features, like, 20 different drinks, and, of course, you can create combos.  So, I was thinking I would make myself a litttle mix of Sprite and lemonade.  I pushed the "Sprite" button--and here's where it gets freaky.

After I pushed the button, I was taken to another screen . .  .where I could select from a variety of FLAVORED SPRITES!  Regular Sprite!  Orange Sprite!  STRAWBERRY SPRITE!  And--wait for it!--PEACH SPRITE!

Peach!  Sprite!  What Roman God of carbonated drinks had descended Earthward and bestowed upon us mere mortals such nectar of the Gods!  Needless to say, I didn't even bother mixing my Peach Sprite with anything else--pure superfluity that would be.  But whenever the urge strikes I can go back and engage in all manner of concoctery!  The combinatory possibilities are endless!

I may never come home again.

Monday Miscellany--Friday Edition; Plus, Another Day at Solipsist Central

82-year-old Louise Slaughter (D-NY), the oldest woman in Congress, recently suffered a broken leg, which has hampered her bid for re-election.  Still, Slaughter insists that her health is not an issue:

“I don’t feel my age,” she said, minutes after finishing a grueling day of physical therapy. Her voice, still flecked with her native Kentucky drawl, was soft but firm. “I’ve always had the stamina of three people.”

An impressive claim, until you realize the three people she's referring to include late-stage Marlon Brando, Hans Moleman, and current Marlon Brando.

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SOLIPSIST: Hey, did you hear, MCA from the Beastie Boys died?

WOS: Oh no!  That's so sad!

SOL: Yeah.

WOS: What happened?

SOL: Cancer.

WOS: Really?  How come we didn't know he was sick?

SOL: Apparently, he was diagnosed a few years ago, so I guess it wasn't totally unexpected.

WOS: Oh, wow. . . .

(Pause.)

SOL: Well, they SAY it was cancer. . . .Personally, I think it was. . . . 'Sabotage'!

WOS: No!

SOL: See what I did there?

WOS: Stop!  Not cool!  Just, for once, can you please be a NORMAL PERSON!

(Pause.)

SOL: Too soon?

WOS: Shut up!

Thursday Trendwatch

SAMSUNG (10) has introduced its latest Galaxy Smartphone.  I think I speak for everyone when I say, please stop.  Please.  How can it be time to upgrade again?  What can this phone do that could possibly make it worthwhile for someone to shell out hundreds more dollars for the latest incarnation?  Unless the phone allows me to order a pizza and play "Angry Squids" (or whatever) at the same time that I'm listening to the latest "beats" to "drop" from "Lady" "Gaga," all the while sexually servicing me. . . I'll just stick to my flip phone that does little more than allow me to talk to people.

Despite some early promise, it appears that "smell tests" are poor predictors of incipient ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE (9).  Scientists have found that a diminishing sense of smell may be associated with Alzheimer's, but the association is not strong enough to be predictive. Meanwhile, despite some early promise, it appears that "smell tests" are poor predictors of incipient ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE (9).  Scientists have found that a diminishing sense of smell may be associated with Alzheimer's, but the association is not strong enough to be predictive.  (That joke, unlike most Alzheimer's patients, never gets old.  Sorry.)

SEN. MARCO RUBIO (8) is mentioned often as a potential vice-presidential pick for Mitt Romney.  Bad idea!  In a recent interview, the neophyte senator committed a gaffe of epic proportions, perpetuating the most offensive of ethnic stereotypes when he mentioned that, a mere five years ago, his mother, a proud Latina, worked as a "maid."  Seriously, Marco: Talk about opening la boca and inserting el . . .uh. . .  footo.

A movement to BOYCOTT SPIRIT AIRLINES (7) has been gathering steam on Facebook, since the company refused to refund the $197 airfare of Vietnam vet Jerry Meekins who was ordered by his doctor not to fly as he is dying of esophageal cancer.  Bravo, Spirit!  That's the. . . uh. . . well, spirit!  Who does this Meekins character think he is, anyway, trying to sucker an all-American company like Spirit Airlines?  What, he's tough enough to fight Charlie in 'Nam, but he hasn't got the BALLS--or, at any rate, the esophagus--to take a widdle bitty plane flight?  Pussy!  You go, Spirit!

Sad news from VOGUE MAGAZINE (6).  The editors of all 19 editions (?!?) have agreed to stop running photographs of models who are under the age of 16 or who "appear" to have eating disorders.  Great!  Now what do I have to look forward to every month?  Pictures of fat-ass, size-4 19 year olds?  Thanks a lot, Anna Wintour!

I frankly don't even understand the next item: SARAH PHILLIPS ESPN (5).  From what I can gather, Phillips is a writer who may or may not exist, and who, if she does exist, might be guilty of some sort of crime.  The possibly corporeal writer was definitely fired by ESPN, though.  So, for those of you who thought never to see existential drama at the network that gave you Chris "Boomer" Berman and the Two-Minute Drill. . . well, there you go.

KATE UPTON (4) is. .  . ah, who cares, here's a picture:

In the "news to no one" category comes a report that CNN RATINGS (3) suck.  The only bright spot for the venerable broadcaster is that, when disaster strikes, CNN is often the "go-to" network.  In other words, CNN benefits from cataclysmic news. . . . Can anyone account for CNN's whereabouts when the Fukushima reactor went kerflooey?  Too soon?

LINDA EVANGELISTA (2) is. . . never mind, here's a picture:

(Incidentally, given Vogue's above-mentioned policy eschewing anorexic jailbait, THIS is the kind of atrocity we can look forward to on future covers.  Ugh!)

Finally, KELLY RIPA (1) has ruled out her husband, Mark Consuelos, as a permanent co-host for her "Live with Kelly and Not Regis" show.  Having apparently exhausted every Hollywood resource, Ripa will continue to audition friends and family members--next up, Ripa's periodontist, Dr. Murray Goldstein.  I expect a call to Solipsist Central any day now.

Clouding the Issue

Republicans will deny that they have sold their souls to business interests.  Even when the GOP clearly does the bidding of its corporate masters, the party stalwarts make noises about how policies that look like giveaways to the wealthy, like tax breaks, are truly designed to help the country as a whole (by virtue of farcical theories like "trickle-down economics").  When it comes to climate-change, though, all such evasions fall flat.

Virtually all scientists--even those often cited by Republican corporate shills--agree the planet is heating up.  Those who would debunk the standard environmental consensus that something must be done generally argue that global warming is a natural, cyclical phenomenon (i.e., not something caused by man) and/or that it's not worth worrying about.  Most of these skeptical studies have been debunked by mainstream scientists.  Yesterday's paper, however, featured an article explaining how the vagaries of cloud physics provide the last line of reasonable doubt as to the dangers posed by global warming. This article discusses the work of Richard Lindzen, an MIT meteorologist, who believes that changes in the earth's cloud-cover will largely offset the rise in average global temperature, thereby counteracting any problems caused by global warming.

Most scientists disagree, but a few have stated that Lindzen's work is theoretically sound.  Lindzen himself is somewhat modest about his conclusions:

“If I’m right [about the effect of clouds on warming], we’ll have saved money” by avoiding measures to limit emissions, Dr. Lindzen said in the interview. “If I’m wrong, we’ll know it in 50 years and can do something.”

In the context of this heated debate, Lindzen's willingness to use the word "if" practically counts as abject humility.

The disturbing part of this research is that, since it is somewhat more sound than most studies produced by climate-change deniers, it will be seized upon by the Republican establishment as further proof that global warming is not something we need to worry about.  And so nothing will get done.

Here's the problem I have with the denialist attitude: Let's say, for the sake of argument, that the conventional wisdom is, indeed, wrong.  Let's say that global warming and the greenhouse effect are non-existent, or at least non-threatening.  It seems to me that any steps humankind might take to address the problems of global warming are at worst innocuous: increased reliance on renewable energy, for example.  We could spend (some would say "waste") money on exploring alternative energies and the worst thing we'd end up with is. . .  renewable energy.  And as for that "wasted" money, society would get it back in the form of increased employment, an increased tax base, a better-educated population, etc.

And that's only if the global warming conventional wisdom is wrong.  If the conventional wisdom is right, then mankind reaps all the above-mentioned benefits plus the not inconsiderable rewards of avoiding worldwide floods, famine, droughts, and plagues.  Sounds like a win-win to me.  Why would anyone have a problem with this?  The only reasonable explanation I can see is that those who are opposed to taking action against global warming is that they have something to lose--like, if their business model depends upon the continued burning of fossil fuels.  Or if their business depends upon such businesses for things like campaign contributions.

Another Day at Solipsist Central

(Watching "Game of Thrones."  Onscreen, Stannis Baratheon is discussing his strategy for an attack on Kings' Landing.  He stands at a table and pushes around carved wooden figures--ships, soldiers, horses--as he explains his upcoming military maneuvers.)

SOLIPSIST: That's what I need. . . .

WOS: (Not really paying attention to the screen) Mm?

SOL: Yeah. . . .I need me some little wooden guys. . . Like, ships and army guys and. . .and. . .and horsies and cannons. . . I need that.  (Silence.)  Are you going to get me that?

WOS: What?

SOL: Wooden horsie guys!  And boats and stuff!

WOS: What, you mean, like a chess set. . . ?

SOL: NO! Like Stannis has!  So I can spread the stuff out on the table here and plan my conquests!

WOS: Wha-?

SOL: What do you mean 'What?'?!?  You expect me to conduct my raping and pillaging expeditions without the proper wooden guys to help me execute my plans, and--

WOS: I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS NOOOOOOOWWWW!!!

SOL: Whoa. . . .

WOS: ARGH!

SOL: Is everything OK, hon?  You seem sort of angry and depressed.

WOS: (Whimper)

Monday Miscellany

You know that "Flintstones"-based cereal "Fruity Pebbles"?  Named after Fred's adorable daughter ("na pa goo wa Da-da?")?  In the store today, I noticed a "spin-off" cereal: "Pebbles' Boulders."  Somehow, this made me feel dirty.

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If you want a job done right, do it yourself.  Except, in my case, if the job is automotive repair.  Then, you're better off leaving things to professionals.  Else you might end up with three tires and an extra muffler.

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Today's Times provides a wealth of vocabularical inspiration.  First, an article about neglect and/or mistreatment of thoroughbreds at casino-affiliated racetracks, led me to investigate what, precisely, constitutes the difference between "necropsy" and "autopsy."  Turns out a "necropsy" is an examination of dead tissue, specifically non-human animal tissue, while an "autopsy" is what happens after your car finally breaks down for the last time.

Ba-dum-bump!

No, but seriously, the two words are theoretically interchangeable, as they both mean an examination of that which is dead.  However, "necropsy" generally refers to animals, whereas "autopsies" are generally performed on humans.  The "auto" in "autopsy" means "self," and so an "autopsy" is something people perform on "themselves," i.e., other humans.  Given the meaning of "auto" as "self," though, one could conclude that "necropsy" would, in fact, be a better term for what is done to human bodies, as very few people--only about six in recorded history--have actually conducted autopsies on themselves.

The SAT word of the day comes from an article about American forces participating in the search for accused--well, acknowledged--war criminal and lunatic Joseph Kony:

The Central African Republic would be an excellent place to disappear. Its national army is one of the region’s smallest and weakest. Its terrain is primordially thick. And its infrastructure is shambolic.

In case you're wondering (and let's face it, you are), "shambolic" means "completely disorganized" or "chaotic"; I suspect it may be related to the word "shambling."  So, why not just say "completely disorganized" or "chaotic"?  The former would be perfectly appropriate in any mainstream newspaper, and the latter satisfies the requirement to be Times-ily literate without causing people to rush to their dictionaries.  Perhaps the use of arcane diction is meant to suggest the extremely complicated nature of the task our soldiers' face?  Or perhaps the writer is just showing off.  Somhow, I suspect the latter.

In the excerpt above, given the sentences leading up to it, readers can assume that "shambolic" means something negative, but that's about it.  There's no reason for one to assume it means "chaotic": It could mean "deteriorating," "non-existent," "sub-par," or a number of other things.  I don't mind the use of complicated verbiage that contributes to a sesquipedalian vocabulary.  Nevertheless, if a writer wants to employ words that are likely to be unfamiliar to most readers he or she should make sure that the context clearly reveals the word's meaning.

Filler

On a hot day, there's nothing quite so refreshing as a tall glass of iced tea mixed with lemonade.  This, of course, is known as an "Arnold Palmer," named for the famous golfer who presumably liked to hurl this drink at the gallery whenever he missed a putt.  This should not be confused with a "Benedict Arnold Palmer," which is when you offer someone a drink and then don't give it to them.

WOS: You really got nothing today, huh?

SOL: Yeah. . . I guess not.