The Muffin Man Who Came in from the Cold

We wish we could say this was a Solipsist exclusive, but the New York Times beat us to it.

The world of international muffinry was rocked earlier this year, when Chris Botticella left an executive position at Bimbo Bakeries USA (yes, that's the real name), the company that owns Thomas' English Muffins. While most people at Bimbo thought Botticella was headed for retirement, it turns out he had accepted a job at rival Hostess; lest you accuse Botticella of being a corporate Ho Ho (ksnrf!), we hasten to point out that he actually accepted a pay cut from Hostess, saying he was simply disheartened by some of the cost-saving measures put in place by the bimbos at Bimbo.

Bimbo, however, went to court to prevent Botticella from taking the Hostess job. Somewhat understandable, as Botticella is one of only seven people in the world that knows the complete recipe for Thomas' classic nook-and-cranny filled breakfast treat. The company goes to great lengths to protect the formula, usually dividing recipe information among numerous employees so that only those with the highest security-clearance have access to the whole thing. Thus, Thomas' forumla falls somewhere on the secrecy scale between Coca-Cola and weaponized plutonium.

(DIGRESSION: We are reminded of the Monty Python sketch about the funniest joke in the world--a joke so funny that anyone who hears it immediately dies laughing. In order to use the joke against the Germans in WWII, the British have the joke translated one word at a time; one translator is hospitalized after accidentally seeing two words. EOD)

What's so special about Thomas' technique? Apparently, it has little to do with actual ingredients. The dough used to make English muffins--any English muffins--is more watery than other dough. When the muffins are baked, the moisture evaporates, leaving large air pockets. Thomas' secret, then, revolves around things like timing and temperature, according to Kansas State University's Carl Hoseney, a retired professor of cereal chemistry (no, we did not make that up, either).

As of now, Hostess has rescinded Botticella's job offer. As for Botticella himself, fearing for his safety after a stale loaf of bread with a threatening note tied to it was thrown through his window, he has sought refuge in the federal government's "Baker's Protection Program." (OK, we made up that last part.)

News in Brief: Scientists Disprove "Confirmation Bias"

A Solipsist Exclusive

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND ENGLAND--An interdisciplinary team of university researchers announced today that they had conclusively disproved the existence of "confirmation bias." The hypothetical phenomenon--in which researchers focus on results that confirm hypotheses and exclude results that refute them--has plagued fields from medicine and engineering to the social sciences. The team of local university researchers was overjoyed by their results. "We had long suspected that 'confirmation bias' was nothing but a myth," explained lead investigator Dr. Harold MacPherson. "Now, we've finally proven it."

BP Announces Plan to Plug Oil Well with Egret Carcasses

A Solipsist Exclusive

COUDE DE CANARD, LOUISIANA--Embattled oil giant British Petroleum today announced a plan to seal its gushing oil well below the Gulf of Mexico by plugging it with tens of thousands of carcasses of seabirds and other local deceased wildlife.

After the press conference, recently installed CEO Bob Dudley was refreshingly evasive, issuing a simple "No comment" through a spokesman. Gaffe-prone former CEO Tony "Toejam Tongue" Hayward held forth at length about BP's plans.

"Well, I think it's great," Hayward said. "You know, in England, we have a saying: 'When life gives you lemons, take those lemons and mush them into a cup of weak tea.' Here, rather than lemons, we have quite a great lot of dead egrets. And manatees and such.

"If you think about it, it's what we Brits call a 'win-win': We have a well that needs filling; those lovely shrimper-people have a marsh filled with cadaverous fauna. What better way to solve both problems? It's what London-folk refer to as killing two birds with one stone. . . . Or, killing two birds with a few hundred thousand dead birds. You see?"

The egret plan will replace the previous plan to perform a "static kill" with cement on the gushing well. BP spokeslackey Carl Ermendorfer explained that the company will not refer to the new operation as a "static kill," with its unfortunate connotations of murder, carnage, and heedless slaughter. "Operation Pelicanstuff," Ermendorfer explained, "is similar to a 'static kill,' but since we're not actually killing the birds, which are--let me make this emphatically clear--already quite dead, this operation is technically a 'static funeral.'"

To help spread the word about their new initiative, BP introduced its new costumed mascot, Chokey McFeatherton, an oily stork who will attend local school assemblies and tell students how happy he is to have his body provide service to the local community. BP will also set up "Chokey McFeatherton's Wild Ride" at a local park: children will be shot through a tube at high speeds into a water tank, thus approximating the journey that Chokey and friends will experience on their way to the well.

"Personally, I envy the birds," Haywayd said. "That wild ride looks like a lot of fun."

(Image from festivecostumes.com)

Work in Progress: Plantation Owners Defend Unpaid Internship Programs

A Solipsist Exclusive

(A note to Solipsist Nation: Not sure where we're going with this. Started writing this in response to a colleague who posted an article about the growth of unpaid internships in American industry. Take it for what it is: Part of our ongoing attempt to be selected for the staff of "The Onion.")

August 3, 1860

RICHMOND, VA--The cream of our Southern gentility yesterday issued a proclamation in which they full-throatedly endorsed their unpaid internship program, despite vehement denunciation form our northern cousins.


"We believe that these programs offer young people--and more than a few older folk, as well--the opportunity to gain valuable workplace experience. And that experience holds more value than any mere paycheck could afford," said Colonel Willis P. Throckmorton of Old Chestnut Farms. "Why, sometimes I do feel that they ought to be paying me."


Another of our venerable entrepreneurs, Mr. Simon Legree, agreed. "Why, my interns learn fortitude and strength of character that simply cannot be obtained through any more conventionally remunerative occupation."


Legree's longtime intern, Thomas "Uncle" Legree (no relation) concurred. "Why, yes," he said, "I would be most discomforted by any insinuation that I were somehow suffering exploitation at the hands of my Master." ("Master," he further explicated is a term of the profoundest endearment bestowed upon Mr. Legree by all his interns, who hastened to point out that they were under no compunction whatsoever to refer to him thusly.)

Quick Question

When did "gnarly" become a term of approbation? This morning, on the radio, the DJ was speaking rapturously (if mercenarily) about Subway's new breakfast sandwiches, when he mentioned that they were "full of gnarly bacon." Did we miss a memo?

Generation Plagiarism

We stole that title from a column written by Sarah Wilensky in the Indiana University student newspaper. We read about Ms. Wilensky's work in an article today about the new face of plagiarism in the digital age.

Today's article was indeed revelatory. . .about seven years ago. We find it hard to believe that anybody with even a passing interest in education was taken aback by the news that students today plagiarize more prolifically thanks largely to your friend and ours, the internet. The gist of today's report seemed to be that some students no longer recognize the outright poaching of the work of others as plagiarism.

Throughout our career, we've encountered different levels of plagiarism. Some students certainly have a cavalier attitude toward creative appropriation. Others, though, seem to view plagiarism simply as an efficent way to give the teacher what he wants. If asked for an analysis of, say, Obama's healthcare policy, why should a student not simply provide material from the Brookings Institution instead of his or her own admittedly inferior insights?

Our only major complaint about plagiarism is that the relative ease with which it can be done has dulled the natural instincts of our less academically-gifted students. They don't seem to realize that the web's simplicity works both ways: In other words, the students are not the only ones who can find things quickly on the internet.

Wipeout

After years of knocking off luxury products like $2,800 Louis Vuitton handbags, criminals are discovering there is money to be made in faking the more ordinary — like $295 Kooba bags and $140 Ugg boots. In California, the authorities recently seized a shipment of counterfeit Angel Soft toilet paper.

--"Economic Indicator: Even Cheaper Knockoffs"

Recently, the Solipsist sat down with Sgt. Morton Lefkowitz of the Los Angeles Police Department, the officer in charge of the Toilet Paper Counterfeiting Task Force and spoke to him about the multi-million dollar Angel Soft bust.

SOL: Sgt. Lefkowitz, thank you for taking the time to speak with us.

ML: My pleasure.

SOL: Well, first, congratulations on the success of the Angel Soft operation. As someone who has experienced firsthand--well, maybe not firstHAND. We guess we should say--

ML: We get the idea.

SOL: Right. Well, as we were saying, having experienced the discomfort of counterfeit bathroom tissue or "toilet paper," we know how serious this issue can be. What first tipped you off to the problem with Angel Soft?

ML: Little things. For one, we noticed that a number of packages in the East LA area had "angel" spelled with "t."

SOL: Mm-hm. . .

ML: Another thing were the reports of consumers who tore open the plastic wrap on 12-packs and were immediately swarmed by hornets.

SOL: You've been working on this case for a long time. . .

ML: Thirteen years next October.

SOL: How much contraband was ultimately retrieved?

ML: We retrieved 6 truckloads of Angtl Soft with an estimated street value of $7.3 million.

SOL: That seems like an awfully high amount for toilet paper. . .

ML: Well, it is two-ply.

SOL: Of course. So tell us, Sergeant, when did you decide that you wanted to focus on toilet paper counterfeiters?

ML: It was back in the early 90's, around the time of the riots. . . .I just decided that being a cop could be really dangerous . . .

SOL: Mmm. . .

ML: Toilet paper just seemed like a relatively safe beat.

SOL: And has it worked out that way? Ever been shot at?

ML: Once.

SOL: Really?

ML: Yeah, we caught a tip back in '98. A group of Hungarians was bringing in a major shipment of black-market Japanese TP that had been manufactured out of whale placenta--real high-end stuff for a certain clientele.

SOL: Wait. People . . . .wipe with whale placenta?

ML: Sol, I don't want to tell you the things some people wipe with. . . . It'd turn your stomach. . . . I've. . . seen things.

SOL: Sorry to bring up some bad memories.

ML: Well, anyway. We got the drop on the Hungarians in a warehouse in South Central. They surrendered without incident, but my gun went off when I was breaking open a crate of paper.

SOL: So. . . you technically shot yourself. . . .

ML: Technically. . . .

(At this point in our interview, there was a rather prolonged and awkward silence.)

SOL: Well, Sergeant, on behalf of a grateful public, we would just once again like to thank you for all your hard work.

ML: All in a day's work, Sol.

SOL: Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to go drop a waffle. And thanks to you, we'll be doing it with a feeling of great serenity.

(Image from Angel Soft)