The Muffin Man Who Came in from the Cold

We wish we could say this was a Solipsist exclusive, but the New York Times beat us to it.

The world of international muffinry was rocked earlier this year, when Chris Botticella left an executive position at Bimbo Bakeries USA (yes, that's the real name), the company that owns Thomas' English Muffins. While most people at Bimbo thought Botticella was headed for retirement, it turns out he had accepted a job at rival Hostess; lest you accuse Botticella of being a corporate Ho Ho (ksnrf!), we hasten to point out that he actually accepted a pay cut from Hostess, saying he was simply disheartened by some of the cost-saving measures put in place by the bimbos at Bimbo.

Bimbo, however, went to court to prevent Botticella from taking the Hostess job. Somewhat understandable, as Botticella is one of only seven people in the world that knows the complete recipe for Thomas' classic nook-and-cranny filled breakfast treat. The company goes to great lengths to protect the formula, usually dividing recipe information among numerous employees so that only those with the highest security-clearance have access to the whole thing. Thus, Thomas' forumla falls somewhere on the secrecy scale between Coca-Cola and weaponized plutonium.

(DIGRESSION: We are reminded of the Monty Python sketch about the funniest joke in the world--a joke so funny that anyone who hears it immediately dies laughing. In order to use the joke against the Germans in WWII, the British have the joke translated one word at a time; one translator is hospitalized after accidentally seeing two words. EOD)

What's so special about Thomas' technique? Apparently, it has little to do with actual ingredients. The dough used to make English muffins--any English muffins--is more watery than other dough. When the muffins are baked, the moisture evaporates, leaving large air pockets. Thomas' secret, then, revolves around things like timing and temperature, according to Kansas State University's Carl Hoseney, a retired professor of cereal chemistry (no, we did not make that up, either).

As of now, Hostess has rescinded Botticella's job offer. As for Botticella himself, fearing for his safety after a stale loaf of bread with a threatening note tied to it was thrown through his window, he has sought refuge in the federal government's "Baker's Protection Program." (OK, we made up that last part.)