Independence (A Short Play)

"In the general scheme of life, parents are the ones who keep tabs on the children. But now, a raft of new technology is making it possible for adult children to monitor to a stunningly precise degree the daily movements and habits of their aging parents.
The purpose is to provide enough supervision to make it possible for elderly people to stay in their homes rather than move to an assisted-living facility or nursing home — a goal almost universally embraced as both emotionally and financially desirable. With that in mind, a vast spectrum of companies, from giants like General Electric to start-ups like iReminder of Westfield, N.J., which has developed a system to notify families if loved ones haven’t taken their medicine, are looking for a piece of the market of families with an aging relative."

--"Technologies Help Adult Children Monitor Aging Parents"

[A New York apartment. 7:12 a.m. A woman, Mother of Solipsist, is sleeping. A phone rings.]

MOTHER OF SOLIPSIST (Answering phone, waking up, groggy): . . . 'lo?

SOLIPSIST (On phone): MOM! MOM! Are you OK?

MOS: What? Yes, why. . .what's wrong?

SOL: IT'S 7:12!!!!

MOS: OK. . . So?

SOL: So you're always up by seven! Seven-o-five at the latest! What's wrong?

MOS: I decided to sleep a little late! Is that OK?

SOL: Ohhhh. . . Heh . . . OK, sorry. . . .So. . . How's things?

(MOS hangs up.)

(Empty bedroom. A few hours later. Phone rings. No one answers. An answering machine picks up.)

SOL (Yelling on answering machine): MOM!!!!! MOM!!!! You've been in the bathroom for seventeen minutes! We know you're not in the shower because the update from the water company has shown NO activity during this entire time. We're calling the fire department!

(A few hours later. MOS is sitting on a sofa, eating a sandwich. The phone rings.)

MOS (answering phone): (Sigh) Hello?!?

SOL: Didn't your doctor say to cut back on fat?

MOS: What?!?

SOL: Uh. . . Hel-lo! Mayonaisse?!?

MOS: It's low-fat!

SOL: Don't lie to us! We got the receipt from Waldbaum's. . . .And what are you doing with all those yams?

MOS: I picked up some yams for the couple next door. They invited me over for dinner. . .

SOL: Oh. Well, OK. . . . Uh. . . So, what time will you be heading over there? Don't forget to set your collar for "roaming" so that we-- (MOS hangs up.) Uh. . . We think we might have gotten cut off. . . .So. . .uh. . . we'll just call back later. OK, bye.

(Later that afternoon. MOS sits on the couch, reading. The phone rings.)

MOS (snatching up phone): WHAT?!?

SOL: Don't "What?" us! You haven't taken your pill!

MOS: I took my pill!

SOL: Did not! Did not! LIES! LIES AND OBFUSCATIONS!

MOS: I TOOK MY PILL!!!

SOL: Look! We are looking at our "Pill Monitor" right now! You are supposed to take your pill at 3:30. It is 3:58, and our alarm has NOT gone off!

MOS: I TOOK MY FUCKING PILL!

SOL: YOU DID NOT! YOU DI-- Oh,. . . .Oh, never mind. We forgot to set the alarm. . . Our bad!

MOS: AND STOP REFERRING TO YOURSELF AS "WE"!!! IT'S SCHIZOPHRENIC AND CREEPY!!! (Hangs up)

(Later. Phone rings. MOS answers.)

MOS: Yes. Yes, I know. . . .I was a little late feeding the cat. I had to take a phone call from the fire department. They wanted to know why a fire engine had been dispatched to "rescue" me from my bathroom earlier this morning. I had to explain that my psychotic son panicked because he didn't know I had eaten a chili omelet for breakfast! Look, I know in the history of the world no mother has ever said this to her son: STOP CALLING SO OFTEN! (Hangs up.)

(A house in Florida. Living room. A phone rings. Answering machine picks up.)

SOL (On answering machine): Dad? DAD!!!! You forgot to shut off the coffee maker. . . . DAAAAAAD!!!

. . .And Architecture is a Slingshot

Technology has been described as a double-edged sword.  

(Digression: This is true.  After all, double-edged swords AE technology.  Agriculture, interestingly, is a single-edged sword.  Animal husbandry is a trebuchet.  Marine biology is a blowgun. . . . End of Digression.)

Technology provides immense benefits, but it also has immense drawbacks.  In addition to the ever-present and obvious possibility of nuclear self-annihilation, one of the most pernicious effects of technology is the effect it has on its users--the effect of learned helplessness.   To wit, Emi Ha (Questions, Comments, Complaints) is having Tom-Tom issues.  (One assumes she is referring to the navigational device and not the primitive drum.)

For those of you not following her blog: Shame on you!  Start immediately.  In the meantime, though, the Solipsist will summarize: Emi Ha is a directionally challenged Canadian transplant, who is somewhat lost now that her trusty Tom Tom has decided to go on the fritz.  It is doubtful whether she will be able to leave the house, and, since she has two small children who probably count on her for food, this could be a serious problem once the refrigerator is empty.  We will keep our loyal readers posted on her progress.

The reason the Solipsist is spending so much time summarizing another blog is that he has absolutely no idea what to write about.

Well, that's not true.

He HAD nothing to write about until Emi Ha's post got him thinking about technology dependency.  Tom Tom, of course, for the directionally challenged (although so far the Solipsist is perfectly happy with Yahoo! Maps--not that that's any less technologically dependent).  What about cell phones?  Sure, they're convenient, and one could now hardly imagine being without one, but that's not the scary part.  The scary part is this:

Quick: What's your home phone number?

OK, you knew that one (probably).

What's your Mom's number?

The Solipsist knows the answer to this because HIS mother hasn't moved since the Solipsist was five years old.  Indeed, he still knows by heart his best friend's childhood phone number: (718) 830-0434.  But if YOUR parents are divorced, and your father has moved since you were a child (or at least since you first started using cell phones), then the Solipsist is willing to make a small wager that YOUR father has the same phone number as HIS father: "Dad."  Such are the mixed blessings of cellphone address books.  YNSHC has this recurring fear of being arrested.  The police offer him his one phone call but DON'T allow him to use his cellphone.  What if he can't remember the number?

And what about computer dependence.  Since the beginning of this year, a legion of poor benighted souls have been. . . un-nighted?. . . thanks to the Solipsist's guidance.  But what if he can't get to a computer?  What if YOU can't?  For that matter, the person behind the Solipsist (and for that matter WOS, as well) has probably written more in the last three months than he had in the previous ten years.  Why?  Because blogging makes it easy.  The thought of writing outside of the comforting borders of a Google template has become daunting.

The Solipsist recommends that every day you take the opportunity to do something without the aid of modern technology for which you COULD use modern technology.  Dial a number without using your cellphone's speed dial.  Look up a word in an actual (as opposed to virtual) dictionary.  Type on a typewriter (assuming you can still find one).

And, what the heck, now that you've finished reading today's Solipsist, turn off the computer for a little while!

See you tomorrow.